To All:
I'm new here. H had A with coworker for 10+ months; 5 1/2 being after I learned of the A. H said was over, then I'd find something indicating otherwise; I admit I did all the snooping, investigating I could. Finally, on 11/26/01 H came clean with me, admitted to sexual A and begged me to take him back, which I willingly did. I still remained cautious, but he was truly a different person for about 6 weeks. Then, wham, one night at 10:30 p.m. I get a TC from OW indicating that we need to talk because H has decided to be with her. H was with her and I spoke to him at same time--he stated that it is "all part of her plan, I'll be home in 30 minutes." I immediately called him back on his cell only to get VM. No further word from H until 12:50 a.m. when he was on his way home. He said he was proud of himself, that he stuck up for us and our kids despite her trying to get him to do something else. I continued to question and drill him about the 2+ hours of time they were together and how in the world he let himself be put into that situation anyway. He had been drinking and admitted to poor judgment. I admit I was thrown back to the same place I was prior to him confessing. <p>Since that day, 1/10/02, things have just gone downhill. On 1/13 I demanded that he cut off all after-hours contact with the OW, if it's business and cannot be conducted in business hours, it will wait until the next day. I felt(as well as my counselor) that this was a fair request as a line not to be crossed. H response was that I can't tell him how to run his business, that he cannot control when there will be a work/social occasion when OW will show up. I stated that's fine, you just need either leave when she shows up or at least call me and let me know she's there and when H expects to be home. Seems to me this is just pure respect for our relationship, but he doesn't see it that way.<p>We have since separated, and I just can't let go of all the questions, and snooping. Although I believe intuition tells us a lot. Some incidents include 2/14 when I went to his home to be sure he was okay after a threat of suicide over me not seducing him after he took me and the kids out to dinner. When I got there, I found him on the phone with OW at 12:30 a.m. having a gentle conversation, in which I heard "I'm missing you". Big argument ensued, and he claims it was all over what is going on at work with his new boss and that she is the only person he can talk to... blah, blah, blah! He says I won't listen and don't care about him.<p>I also found out (from OW's H, now they are divorced)after that about them being seen in a restaurant/bar 2 weeks earlier on an evening when I had talked to him and was under the impression that he was on his way home from the airport having just returned from a business trip. I flat out asked him that night if his flight was delayed due to weather and he led me to believe it was. Then when OW's H told me he saw them, I confronted H, and he said he had driven back from the business trip and had a business meeting at the restaurant that evening. <p>I have also inspected H's cell phone bills for the last three months and found several after-hours calls to OW's cell phone, several being when H was out of town for pleasure with my brother-in-law in Las Vegas. There were 30 calls to OW on the night they were to return home. H denies anything but work discussions. However, on that same night he flipped out and dropped my brother-in-law off at the airport and said he was not going home because he had nothing there. Apparently, he changed his mind in about five minutes and did come home. But now having seen the phone bill, I am convinced something was up with OW that night. H came home wanting me to just show him some love, just lay with him and hold him. Then, of course, that was not enough, and I ended up getting upset, and a big argument occurred again.<p>Bottom line-I cannot help but think that he is still wavering between OW and me. I've told him to get her out of his life, so that we have 1/2 a chance, and he says in order to that he would have to quit his job, and he is not willing to do that. Right now, he says he has divorce papers at the attorney's office and they will be ready this week. He goes back and forth between saying he still loves me and divorce is not what he wants, but he just can't see how I'll ever get over this, and just out and out saying he has no feelings for me because I didn't trust in him on 1/10 (he had told me at that time I should just trust him).<p>Is there any hope for us? If so, what can I do--Plan A seems too late since we're already separated. We do have 3 small children which are going to be the ones hurt out of all of this, so we have to have contact in sharing custody.<p>Have I pushed him away? I just keep wanting to catch him! I guess because what he says he wants and what he is doing seem be to be the opposite. <p>This last week we fought because I questioned him about the phone bills again. His statement is that he thought those were a dead issue three weeks ago. And that he feels he has been very nice to me for the past couple weeks. He tells me I need to quit living in the past. SO do I just let these things slide, try to be as civil as possible, and bite my tongue a lot? HELP!

Hi and welcome to MB. You will get a lot of info here but you will need to do some reading. <p>For starters read the concepts section at the top of this page. Right now your H does not sound all there. His decisions are not straight ones but you telling him that will only make him more mad and take it out on you. <p>So find yourself a local marriage counselor or phone the Harley's. They do phone counseling. They will ask that you read the concepts section. There are several threads designed to help new ones learn the working tools that many of us use here. <p>Your questions, venting and posting are welcomed. Sometimes things will be suggested that you just don't want to do. It is your choice but at least listen to them. <p>Another important factor is that you can not control your H's actions. Remember that. Then when you have confrontations with him it is help guide YOUR reactions. <p>Then you will need to dicpher between babble and a logical statement. Your H is babbling a lot and the OW is using that to her advantage. Remember right now it is 2 to 1. You are the 1. <p>With that in mind, learn to build your personal support group. You also have us here. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid:<p>Thanks for your reply. I have read the concepts and I have the SAA book and have read most of it--matter of fact I visited this site back in January when this whole thing blew up again. I tried to get my H involved at that time, but his response was and still is that I can read all the books I want to and see every counselor there is, but he doesn't need anybody to make his decisions for him. Just like a male isn't it--afraid to ask for help even if your dying; and this relationship is!<p>I feel I have tried a modified Plan A just by continuing to show him that I want this marriage and it is important to me that we do whatever it takes to make it work. I just feel that he doesn't care what it is that I need from him as a result of all this, and yet he just NEEDS ME to TRUST him! As if I should just roll over and play dead--not happening!<p>I have a lot of friends who support me and continue even though they believe if they were in my shoes they surely would not still be with this person.<p>BTW, he delivered D papers today! His statement is that HE needs closure to this whole mess and he is not going to live the rest of his life being guilty first.<p>About the counseling with the Farleys, do you think they could offer any help in my current situation?<p>Thanks again for your post and I will contiinue to read and try to understand. This is certainly the most difficult thing I have ever been through!<p>Dmand

((Dmand)))<p>Hang on sister ... you're in for a bumpy ride!<p>Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson? .... In your situation, already separated, I think you may want to go "tough love" on this guy. He wants you, he doesn't want you ... up/down, it's going to drive you crazy!<p>Your poor kids.<p>Keep a journal. Exercise. Play with your kids. Go to therapy. Start antidepressants if you need 'em.<p>Take care of you. Your WH is going to be miserable ... and you cannot help him right now. He'll have to hit bottom I'm afraid ... but YOU don't need to hit bottom with him. Rise above this as best you can. The best you can do is to take care of yourself and those babies in the best way you know how.<p>Did WH move out? Have you changed the locks yet?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

Pepper:<p>Your right about the bumps alright! My problem is when he does something nice, whether he hopes it will help our relationship or not, I take it and run, getting all involved emotionally. I HAVE to QUIT! Guess I should have played the game a little more. I need lots of encouragement to "Get a Life". It's funny; my sister has been telling me that for months; she said don't call him, let him sit and wonder what you're doing. It is a little lopsided though since when I don't have the kids, he has to come over to pick them up and he has all the benefit of seeing what I have planned, which of course is usually nothing! But when he is free, he is free all day at work and whatever time he decides to leave work, and go wherever, I will never know, unless of course I hire a PI. (that thought has crossed my mind more than once).<p>But now what--he brought the divorce papers over today and said I should read them over and let him know if I'm getting my own attorney. Do I just go along with the proceedings as if I could care less? Thank you for the encouragement--it's what I need and have needed all along.<p>Dmand

There is no such thing as trust after infidelity, and the very fact that he insists upon it demonstrates his duplicity, lack of remorse, lack of empathy, lack of accountability, lack of insight, lack of commitment to the M. Not to mention being served with D papers.<p>You don't need a PI anymore. You already know everything you need to know about his priorities. Dr. Harley makes it very clear that if the job is part of the secret second life, then he needs to find a new job. Period. If there is to be any chance of marital recovery, that is. Obviously that is not your H's priority right now. <p>You can do nothing for your H right now. He is in lalaland at best, terribly abusive of you and your children at worst. Your priority now is to protect yourself and your children. Get an attorney and protect the legal and financial security interests of you and your children. You can still Plan A simultaneously, but do not compromise your safety and security. He is suing you--do not forget that. Actions speak louder than words--He has sued you. That's what you should be hearing the loudest right now.

Yes, by all means get an attorney. Call one tomorrow. But, no, seeing an atty to respond to his suit does not necessarily mean you are agreeing to the divorce. You can tell him you don't want to get a divorce. You love him and want your marriage, but you must respond appropriately to his legal action and protect your future and your children.
You can absolutely Plan A while seperated. I am still plan a'ing and I have been divorced 3 months. My xh sounds so much like yours. He is confused, he loves me, he doesn't know what to do or what he wants....
What I have learned (and have to keep learning) is that I can only control me and my actions and reactions. I cannot control one thing he does. Even though it drives me absolutely nuts to the point of being physically sick when I know he is with another woman (he has had a few dates with this one bubblehead since we divorced and has had a little fling with a woman 15 years younger than him at his office... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
But, I have to lovingly detach and take care of me. It is all I can do.<p>Read Dobbins book, "Tough Love" and I also recommend Michelle Weiner Robins book called "Divorce Busting". She has a new one called "Divorce Remedy". Or, maybe DB is the newest and DR is the old one -can't remember right now, not important.<p>Anyway, keep reading. Keep posting. Try to be upbeat and confident when he is around or when you speak with him. Don't be cold or mean. Just protect yourself.
It is a narrow road to travel, but it can work.

Conqueror and Wiffle:<p>Thank you for your reply and for the support. I have gotten an attorney and I guess that is the direction we are headed. I do agree he doesn't know what he wants and he just keeps saying I am to blame for us not getting along right now because I keep pulling phone bills and questioning him.<p>Just last night, he calls me after being out drinking and wants to come over for S** no doubt. I held strong and said NO! Then we had a long argument on the phone in which we both defend our actions. It just gets us back to the same place over and over again.<p>I am trying to be strong and confident, while inside I am truly heartbroken and weary!<p>dmand