Been a long time since I posted here...but here goes an update. <p>D-day was July 27,2001. I plan A'd while WS sat on the fence until 2-14-02 and filed for "D" and kicked her out. She continued to sit on the fence until about a month ago...then she realized that she wasn't being fair to me and started to limit her calling him (he lives 8 hours away) and started spending more time with me. After 3 weeks of this....she is telling me that she loves me, she misses me, she knows her place is with me and is doing ALL kinds of loving things. I WAS THRILLED and was doing the special little things back to her (a flower, a card, etc.) <p>She then tell me that she is going to where he lives for the weekend (which i assume she is going to end their relationship). She does go and comes back but she didn't END it all...she simply told him that she was going to work on her marriage and that once she came back with me..that she couldn't talk to him anymore. <p>NOW that she is back...she is TOTALLY removed from me. Questions if she did the right thing and doesn't seem to know what she wants now. She says she doesn't know HOW to get the feelings back for me that she had a week ago. She doesn't know how she can live without the OM....<p>To all the WS out there...HOW did you get past this ? The withdrawal, depression, anxiety ? She seemed excited to go and do that...she told me about it, her mom, dad, close friends, brother...now she doesn't want to talk to any of them. <p>I knew she would go through withdrawal....but how does she get the feelings back for me ? Do i just leave her alone in the meantime...we are seperated and don't live together.<p>Any help would be appreciated. THANKS

That's a tough one SD.<p>First of all, "spending the weekend with him" is not the way to "end" the A. It rarely works, and allows the OM to charm the WS, leaves the door open to many things ("you can come back if it doesn't work with your H", etc.) A solid No Contact letter, written with your participation and approval, coupled with the other "extreme measures" for no contact is best.<p>Withdrawl IS a very, very difficult time for WS, you need to support her, let her know you understand what she is feeling, show her your love and let her know you are there for her. Give her time, be patient with her.
This is probably one of the toughest things for a BS to do, but it is also one of the very best and true ways to show your W that you truly love her.
When she starts getting over it, it'll be a major love bank deposit for you.<p>Hang in there. This is a hard part, and it'll take a lot from you to get through it and help her get through it.

I am trying to do Plan B/Plan C with stbxw.
Well on Sunday some mutal friends that live in my neighboorhood invited my to attend a local carnival. I accepted
and met them their with my children. STBXW also showed up, said she was not aware that I was going to be
there, she stayed about 30 mintes and left. After she left the husband of our mutal frieds (Steve), wife name is
(Pat) asked me if I have met the OM, I said no.
He said they went out to dinner with them on Friday night.. said the guy is a complete loser and control freak, OM
got very upset when stbx went to talk to some friends.. he also said that was very dumb, a typical high school
drop out, and a complete loser, advised that I should keep my kids away from him. I promised that I would not go
back and tell stbxw of our converation.
After I got home, stbx called multiple times, I finally answer the phone. Pat ( Steve's wife) and
good friend of Lynn has already called stbxw and told her of the converatation that Steve and I had. Lynn was
very upset, I told her that she is upset with the wrong person, she should be mad at Steve and not me. Any way
the conversation turned bad, she stated that Steve was right, he is a loser but that is what she deserves as she
is a loser and doesn't deserve to live. She said she was going to kill herself now and hung up. I tried calling back,
no answer, I got the kids and drover to her apart (about 5 minutes away) Ran the door bell, no answer, went
inside and called her name, no answer, found her laying on the couch in the dark crying...<p> Now here is where I screwed up... I got down on my hands and knees next to her, put my hand on her should and
asked her if she was alright. She stated "get your fucxing hand off my and get the fuxk out of my apartment"
Guess she was alright.<p> So, the next time this happens, I will call 911 and let them handle it as I just continue to get shXt on everytime I
reach out to support her.<p> Obviously she is not in a healthy relationship with OM, I guess that since she is not mentally
healthy, she is looking for the same in a relationship - inside will match the outside.
I wonder if she will ever hit bottom and come out of this? I know that eliminating my support (financially and
emotionally) may help, I hate to see her do this to herself but it is her choice not mine. I guess that is why they
call it Tough Love.<p> ( I think I know why Pat told stbxy about our conversation, what to clear her name in this if it ever got back to
stbxw.. Pat is an alcholic and if she loses stbxw, she loses her drinking buddy, she would rather turn in her
husband than lose lose stbxw as a friend.. I can only imagine the bashing I take when they are together..<p> Any advise?
Take care,
Dave

Sad Daddy,
My withdrawl was minimal. For one thing I knew that the OM had nothing to offer me in terms of a relationship. So I knew that during my A that it would go nowhere. I also ended ALL contact on D-Day. My H was there with me as I sent a short probably 2 sentence email telling him that I would not longer be talking to him. <p>So for me it was easy, especially when I knew that I could not go back on my word to my H. Your W probably shouldn't have gone to see OM. He probably had a chance to talk to her and convince her that he would be there for her if she needed him. It leaves that door open. <p>If you could convice her to write a no contact letter that would be the best. She should not see him any longer in order for you two to work on rebuilding. There should be no if's, and's or but's about it. I think that once she sees that it is really over with OM then she will begin to turn to you. But it has to end. <p>She is probably afraid of loosing him and the fear of going through withdrawl is overwhelming. But she will get past it if she stick with it and if you continue to plan A her. <p>Good Luck!
1step

Thanks for the replies..<p>I understand that she shouldn't have gone there...but it was HER choice not mine. We are seperated so i can't really tell her what to do. IF she didn't go...she would have always regretted not going. YES i realized that she had 2 days with him and that that door is WIDE open. <p>The best way to end it would have been a no-contact letter but she is still in-contact with him and this has to be done her way since she is doing it. I want it to be HER choice to end it..otherwise it won't work. <p>I have told her i will leave her alone which i have and she knows i have....but i will be there if she needs me. She needs to get over her choice last weekend. It's so hard waiting and wondering if she will come back around though. <p>Another question for all the WS's...If you viewed your relationship with the OP as SO GREAT and WONDERFUL.....how could your relationship with your spouse after you reconsiled ever be better than that ? The affair relationship wasn't real...but a fantasy. No jobs, no kids, no bills, no nothing but lust, passion, romance etc.... HOW is your reconsiled relationship not always 2nd best to you ???

Sad Daddy,
My A was not great or wonderful. It was full of angst and pain. I really did not want to be involved in it all. For one thing it was with an old HS BF who lived 1000 miles away from me. So I was full of doubts about whether I had taken the right road in my life. The OM offered me nothing but crumbs and nothing else. But I was still hooked. I was hooked on a past relationship that had not promise then and no promise now. <p>I have not ever considered my relationship with my H as 2nd best. I have not "settled" for him at all. It was my decision to come out of my "fantasy" (and that is all it was)and realize what I had in my H. He is what is real to me and he has always been there for me. <p>Again, it was MY decision to be with my H. Not that I settled for him. It's hard to explain, but it is how I feel. <p>1step

Sad Daddy,<p>I going to say a few things that my seem strange, but I believe may help. First, you have filed for D and presumably it is still moving along. Don't stop it. Let the meter keep running<p>Second, this is NOT your problem. I know you are disappointed and hurt. I know you let your hopes get up, but this is NOT your problem. Your W knows what she did this last weekend, and it probably violated all of her vows to you, yet again.<p>She is having a hard time with this, but there is nothing you can do. Just keep moving along, you cannot save her, you cannot change her mind, you cannot make her stop loving this man.<p>Sadly, it is all her call. I know this is hard, but simply move on. IF she ever wakes up and really decides to commit to your marriage, you will know and if you still feel like it you can then try to rebuild.<p>You did your plan A and you are now in plan B. When the time is up for the D, you will be a free man with choices to make. I realize this is of little consequence to you right now, you would much rather have your W back, but the woman you are married to is NOT your W. <p>Hang in there Sad Daddy, you have done a great job and you have no choice but to move along with life and see where it takes you.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Just Learning, <p>Thanks for the reply. You are right...about many things in your post. The "D" was filed and then immediately put on hold. I filed primarily to seperate from her. She wanted / needed time away from me to make her choice. She seemingly had made her choice...that's what i thought she was going to do that weekend...Finallize her choice with him....after she slept with him i guess.<p>So now i am debating how long to wait for her to come back around after withdrawal before i put the divorce into motion. She told me she was going before she left because she was afraid if she didn't that i would go right to the attornies office and fast forward the "D".<p>She was so great for 3 weeks prior to leaving and even called me from his bathroom and told me she loved me and missed me....then does that and returns and isn't even close to the same person. DAMN the fog anyway. <p>How long do i wait before i proceed with the "D" ? I hate the pain that i am in...but there is no real escape from it. For the new BS's...i hate to tell ya this...but the pain is unbearable alot of the time...and as long as your WS is still involved with the OP...there is NO WAY to get rid of it.

It was really sweet of her to call you from HIS bathroom and tell you that she loved you. You have to admit that this would make a great scene in a Jerry Springer movie. <p>What you need to do is stand back, take a deep breath, and continue your divorce. If she wants the OM tell her you are setting her free. Get your life back.