I am trying to do Plan B/Plan C with stbxw.
Well on Sunday some mutal friends that live in my neighboorhood invited my to attend a local carnival. I accepted
and met them their with my children. STBXW also showed up, said she was not aware that I was going to be
there, she stayed about 30 mintes and left. After she left the husband of our mutal frieds (Steve), wife name is
(Pat) asked me if I have met the OM, I said no.
He said they went out to dinner with them on Friday night.. said the guy is a complete loser and control freak, OM
got very upset when stbx went to talk to some friends.. he also said that was very dumb, a typical high school
drop out, and a complete loser, advised that I should keep my kids away from him. I promised that I would not go
back and tell stbxw of our converation.
After I got home, stbx called multiple times, I finally answer the phone. Pat ( Steve's wife) and
good friend of Lynn has already called stbxw and told her of the converatation that Steve and I had. Lynn was
very upset, I told her that she is upset with the wrong person, she should be mad at Steve and not me. Any way
the conversation turned bad, she stated that Steve was right, he is a loser but that is what she deserves as she
is a loser and doesn't deserve to live. She said she was going to kill herself now and hung up. I tried calling back,
no answer, I got the kids and drover to her apart (about 5 minutes away) Ran the door bell, no answer, went
inside and called her name, no answer, found her laying on the couch in the dark crying...<p> Now here is where I screwed up... I got down on my hands and knees next to her, put my hand on her should and
asked her if she was alright. She stated "get your fucxing hand off my and get the fuxk out of my apartment"
Guess she was alright.<p> So, the next time this happens, I will call 911 and let them handle it as I just continue to get shXt on everytime I
reach out to support her.<p> Obviously she is not in a healthy relationship with OM, I guess that since she is not mentally
healthy, she is looking for the same in a relationship - inside will match the outside.
I wonder if she will ever hit bottom and come out of this? I know that eliminating my support (financially and
emotionally) may help, I hate to see her do this to herself but it is her choice not mine. I guess that is why they
call it Tough Love.<p> ( I think I know why Pat told stbxy about our conversation, what to clear her name in this if it ever got back to
stbxw.. Pat is an alcholic and if she loses stbxw, she loses her drinking buddy, she would rather turn in her
husband than lose lose stbxw as a friend.. I can only imagine the bashing I take when they are together..<p> Any advise?
Take care,
Dave

davepr,
No advice, just opinion.<p>No contact ... do the best plan B you have. Let her stares at her A and life point blank ... get away from any contact. IMHO, you should not even entertaining any info/gossip from anyone about OM & stbxW. If you are doing plan C after Dv, let her have the glimse of it.<p>In my book, plan C is moving on, never look back plus plan B forever. I told my WW that I won't let her to be in my life after Dv even as a freind. It is nothing to do with her, or who is right (we know there are two rights in here), or forgiving (she could ask the Lord for that)or revenge (for the revenge is HIS). I have too much love for her, I am hurting too much and I need to deal w/ my pain my way (out of sight out of mind and hope out of my life too). My kids will have 2 B-day, 2 weddings, 2 activities, basically 2 lifes, one w/ her and one w/ me. Once the Dv is finalized I will be a single dad and my W is dead. The most she will get is pseudo-Plan B that we in right now.<p>-RH-

maybe, just maybe there is some hope here. Plan b is where you are. do it the best you can, and pray for the best results possible. at least she was crying. She must know right. I have not figured out where these spouses find these people. my wh is with a stripper. and is in love LOL GOD BLESS AND SMILE ON YOUR CHILDREN AND YOU

RH, thanks for the comments... I too want the same thing if we divorce.. I want her completely out of my life, no exceptions, I cannot handle the pain..
I didn't attend my S 1 year birthday party, I had my own, stbxw was soooo made. She doesn't get it yet, probably my fault, I am suppose to be the back up plan when she needs emotional support.
I am trying to live now as if we are divorced.
My pain is great, it is even worse when there is contact. I feel like I am addicted to her, I can't break it when I keep having contact. I am sorry for your pain.
Take care,
Dave

CD, thanks for your reply.. I am not sure where these people come from:
I know it is not about the OM but here is what I know so far:
He is 43 years old, never been married, no serious relationships until now, Lived with his parents until about 3 months ago, now lives in a trailer on his parents property, dropped out of high school, has very little income, and likes to persue married women with children (this is his second relationship with a married woman)<p>Here is how my IC explained it to me this morning.. stbxw is in a very unhealthy state of mind, lots of issues from her childhood, depression, etc. She thinks she doesn't deserve anything that we had together - house, boat, pool, etc she was living a lifestyle that was not consistant with her emotional/mental state.
She had to find a relationship that matched her mental state, ie this OM. If she every gets healthy OM will be history, if not, relationship with OM will probably continue. If she gets healthy there may be a chance she wants to come back to the marriage, or she may want to move on.<p>Does this make sense?<p>Dave