Today is our second wedding anniversary. We've had our difficulties - mainly in communication, but we have really built up alot of resentment for each other.<p>The last two months have been great - we've finally been having intimate moments and I've wanted to be with my husband more physically than in the past and we have.<p>He went out of town to visit family (a planned trip) April 10th. We got into a huge argument when he left and argued all weekend on the phone until we both started saying ugly things that we (or at least I) really regret now.<p>I have felt that something has been bugging him the last month or so - but couldn't put my finger on it. Then I thought about it and discovered that he was having an internet affair. I admit I have not been meeting all of his needs, but was really working on my stuff. They have been "friends" for almost 6 months. <p>He came home on the 15th and I told him I knew about it, first he denied it, then said they were just "friends". It was obvious to me from a saved chat on the computer that they are emotionally attached. Supposedly she is in a bad abusive marriage and was trying to separate - she is much older than my husband and has two older children.<p>Well, he got an apartment the first day he came back and signed a 6 month lease. I'm not even sure how in the world we are going to be able to afford this separation. Our conversations have been civil, mainly because I have been doing what plan A suggests - keeping my cool, not being so blaming, etc. We finally met in person on Sunday the 21st and had a wonderful, very emotional, very intimate reunion. It was so special to say the least. He showed me his apartment and how he wants me to trust him, etc. Then he says he is going up to this city where the friend lives. At first he says he is going up there to tell her thanks for being such a good friend and to end it - that he wants to work on his marriage. My feeling was that I couldn't make him stay so I said okay. Then by Tuesday, it was eating me alive. I shared how it was hurting me and if he was going to end it, why did he need to do it in person. He got upset, cried, etc. then by 1am, he said he wasn't going to go.<p>Well, the next day it had all changed. He completely regressed from all communication with me. (I let him call me, I haven't been bugging him with lots of contact, etc.) He said this was moving too fast with us and he needed to think about things and go on this trip and this trip wasn't what I thought, etc. Lots of denial it seems. So I was crushed. I have probably lost over 15 pounds since this all started.<p>He came home yesterday and then started calling me. He is so angry with me and says he had a great time in this new city, etc. I asked if he messed around with her and he denied it. I don't believe him. I don't know what to believe. <p>He called again this morning and asked if I still wanted to go to dinner tonight for our anniversary - I was so hurt. I called him back and followed part of that plan B letter and said "I love you very much, you are my best friend. I realize what I've done to contribute to our problem and I'm working on my stuff. It seems you are really confused as to what you want right now and you need your space - which is fine. When you are ready to talk about what it is that you want to do - then we can talk. We have nothing to celebrate tonight. I said I hope that 50 years we can look back on this year and say that 2002 was the year we had two anniversaries - the one we didn't do anything for and the second one that meant much more. And, I told him I loved him." <p>He seemed to take it okay. He's already called me twice today. I'm so confused. I'm sickened by the thought of him even being with another W. I'm questioning if I can get over it. I'm questioning whether or not he is going to keep running from his problems and just "chuck them up" to a bad marriage - which it is not in the big scheme of things.<p>I feel terrible for the things I did to contribute to our problem. He is SO angry with me. I've kept my cool though - which I think is upsetting him more. I don't deserve to be yelled at and need some advice on that and how to handle these weird phone calls, etc. I'm seeing a lawyer this week, just for some separation advice, so I don't get hurt financially. My H has a pretty bad spending habit - especially if he is not happy. I don't want to be in financial ruins. <p>I think I can give him a few months to figure out his stuff, but I'm not sure where to go from there. <p>Any advice, help, support, etc. would be greatly appreciated. My friends and family have been great - including his own mother who is "blown away" by all of this as well.<p>Sorry for the long post.<p>Hanging in there!
Llama

llama - it's obvious you've done some reading and study here at MB already. If you haven't already done so, get the books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair, both by Harley.<p>In addition to what you're already doing in Plan A with your current interaction towards him, don't forget the most important part - looking for things you need to fix in you that may have helped create the favorable environment for the affair to occur. Most importantly, demonstrate these fixes to him if he lets you. You alluded to things you did wrong - so you're well on your way.<p>Your description of his behavior and zig zagging is classic, classic affair stuff. His mockery of your anniversary is a tell-tale sign that his brains are scrambled. No one in their right mind could think of that even as dark humor. Let that one example help define for you where he's at right now - in a state of unreality. Don't try to make sense of it.<p>Try real hard NOT to press him for information or details. You already know as much as you need to know right now - she's much older and has two older children. This just ain't gonna last.<p>Keep reading and pose specific questions.<p>Good luck,

Thanks WAT -
I've bought the Surviving An Affair book and have just about finished it. I'll get the other one as well. I'll keep working on my stuff - but any suggestions on how to handle the phone calls? Choose not to be available to him all the time? The other really disturbing thing for me is that I felt we have had such a great last 4 months - intimacy back - talking about starting a family - him buying me nice little presents and paying more attention to me - which has been one of my major emotional needs - just to be charming and loving without the expectation of sex. Then this. It's all so overwhelming for me. I feel disgusted about the affair whether it was physical or not. And, we interact and have fun regularly. Like I said - it's all so weird for me. Thanks for your reply.
Llama