If any of you has a few minutes.....particularly a BS - especially a BH - would you mind reading this over and giving me your honest opinion? I have put *s where our names go. I would really like some input. I am sure there will be some criticism, there usually is when a WS posts, but I am ready for it! Most of what I have received here has been some very honest, very helpful advice and I want you to know that I appreciate it. You have helped me to see "the other half" of this situation that I have put myself, my husband and my children in. Please help me to see how my exH will view this letter. Will it be helpful? Or will it have a negative impact? Anything I should add or take out? Say differently? Not say at all?<p>Thank you very much in advance!<p>**** - <p>Thank you again for inviting me to spend the weekend with you and the boys. This meant the world to me. Just the fact that you can tolerate being in the same room as me is such a blessing. I know it is so much easier to hate than love. I cannot blame you for hating me. Part of you probably does. I just hope the part of you that loves me is a little bigger. <p>I have been mulling over our conversation from yesterday. I am sure it is very discouraging to hear me say that I don't think I can do this and that I'm not a very strong person. But, that is the truth. I cannot do this by myself. I realize that. God will have to carry me through. I must rely on His strength.....and I will need you to meet me at some point along this journey, so that we can walk together and help each other through this. Of course, you may choose to continue on your own journey and I may never join you on this road.......but that is a fact that I must face. In either case, I know that the Lord will be walking beside me, every step of the way. I do believe, however, that God desires us to walk down the road of reconciliation together. I realize also that I am a much stronger person than I think that I am. <p>I know that I hurt your pride, ****. I know that I have injured your innermost being. I know that in some ways you may even feel foolish for contemplating taking me back. What will people think? Surely some will wonder if you've lost your mind. How can you take back a woman that lied, cheated, left you, divorced you? I know in some cases it may even be embarassing to admit to people that you are contemplating reconciliation. I understand these feelings. I, of all people, never want to look foolish in front of anyone. Sadly, the decisions I have made and the actions I have taken have done nothing but made me the most foolish of all. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It is very humbling. I know these feelings are very difficult for you to face. Perhaps, however, some people, those people that really matter, will admire you. I know several will be thinking "wow, he is much more of a man than I think I could be" or "I really admire him for doing what God ultimately desires". I know God will bless you ****. <p>What has happened to our marriage/relationship and what can/will happen to us in the future is sort of like driving in a car. Up until the beginning of this year, I was the one driving the vehicle as you sat helplessly in the passenger's seat. I lied to you and did not tell you where I was driving to. I blindfolded you and did not allow you to see the landmarks that we were passing, with my deceitfulness and my unwillingness to admit to you what I was feeling along the way. I drove hazardously, not wearing my seatbelt, not keeping myself safe within the confines of the car (our marriage).....all the while you stayed safely buckled in, trusting the driver. When I finally stopped the car, I chose to leave my door insecure, I chose to leave myself vulnerable, allowing someone to open it, beckoning me with sweet words to exit the vehicle. I did not turn around to see your face. Had I done so, I never could have left you. I got out of the car and blindly followed the deceiver. The door was still open and I could have turned around and run back and shut the door and locked it tight......but I chose not to. I chose to slam the door and forced you to drive off without me. I left you no choice. Now.....I have crawled back to the placed where I left the car. To the place where I left you. You weren't there. You began to slowly drive away from me. I cannot blame you. You could not sit idly and wait for me forever, while I continued my foolishness. That would have been dangerous for you. I have found you down the road, inching farther and farther away from me. All I can do is stand in your sight as you glance in the rear view mirror....hoping you will see me, frantically waving my arms, hoping that you will look long enough at me to want to turn around. You are now in the driver's seat ****. I have no control over its destination. I have control over myself, but I cannot control where you decide to drive the vehicle. You are the only one that can do that. You can continue to drive away. You have that right. You can continue your life in the direction it is now headed and no one will blame you. Some will probably applaud that choice. It may be a smoother road, one with less potholes......but that is not a guarantee. Or...you can turn the car around and pick up a passenger, one that looks somewhat familiar, but who is not who you thought she was. She reminds you of someone you once knew......but she can never be her. I can, however, choose to be a better person. I can choose to shut the door tight, lock it, make sure it is locked every day, always wear my seatbelt and never never never contemplate taking it off and jumping out of the vehicle again. That is what I choose to do. I choose to ride in the car with you, hold your hand tight, never let it go, and drive down the road with you for the rest of our lives. I will ride down the road, eyes fixed on you and the destination ahead and never out the side window. The road will be bumpy. At some points, the pot holes and hazards will seem impassable.......but together, we can conquer them...until one day, a day I realize is somewhat far down the road, we will hit a fresh pavement. We can reach that destination ****. I know we can......but it is something we must do together. <p>I want to take this journey with you. I want to pack the boys in the car, start driving and never stop to look back. What is done, is done. I cannot change the decisions I have made. I can only hope to make the right decisions now and in the future. I can only learn from my mistakes and go forward. That does not mean that I forget, that I ignore what has happened. That would be a mistake. I need to learn from it and do everything in my power to prove to you that I am sorry, that I regret what I have done and that I am here for you and for our marriage and for our family. I will never do anything like this again. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and proving that to you.<p>I love you. <p>~********<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: NC20505 ]</p>

NC,<p>I am a BS, but sorry not a BH. Your letter is very touching, and I'm sure will reach the depth of you H's soul. The use of a word picture, relating your M to driving in a car. (Hmm, may borrow a part of that!)<p>God can do awesome things. You are right when you say you are not strong enough, but God is & can carry you through anything. <p>As a BW,after Dday, my first reaction was to seek a DV, but the Lord had other plans for me. I sought Him saying I can't do this, you will have to give me the wisdom, the strength and the guts to do what ever it is You have in store for me.<p>Trust in the Lord, it's a beautiful letter.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

NC,
You brought tears to my eyes. I am a BH, and I would run for joy were I to receive such a letter from my WW...don't change a word, it's perfect!<p>Space

Space - Thank you....you just brought tears to my eyes. I hope he feels that way, too! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WillGetThruThis - thank you so much for your encouragement.

I am a BH and your letter is a good one and I hate to judge it because I do not know your H (but you do) at all and have no idea what his possible reaction to it will be. But I'll take a crack and give you what MY reactions are.<p>I know it's hard for you to do this exercise, but it may help you a little because it could help you express yourself from his point of view. For a few minutes, when you totally by yourself, make beleive what it would be like if it had been you that had been the BS? Try to visualize that it was your H and not you who had the A, sought the Dv, and took your children far away from you. Imagine how you would feel if your H was asking you to reconcile with him and what your feelings would be. Do it as many times as you need and see if you start feeling the pain from his point of view.<p>Is he a man that considers his 'pride' important?
If it's not or iffy at best, then I would suggest you might want to reconsider using the word 'pride' which he might interpret more as 'ego' and thus belittling his deep pain. You might consider changing it to something like "I know I hurt you deeply.." instead.<p>The first part of last paragraph has a 'get over it and lets get on with our lives again' feel to it. It feels very condescending, but I would keep the part about learning from the experience and not forgeting about it because it validates the the tremendous impact it had on him.<p>But overall I give your letter a B+.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>I am a BH and your letter is a good one and I hate to judge it because I do not know your H (but you do) at all and have no idea what his possible reaction to it will be. But I'll take a crack and give you what MY reactions are.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks for reading and commenting - I appreciate your input.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I know it's hard for you to do this exercise, but it may help you a little because it could help you express yourself from his point of view. For a few minutes, when you totally by yourself, make beleive what it would be like if it had been you that had been the BS? Try to visualize that it was your H and not you who had the A, sought the Dv, and took your children far away from you. Imagine how you would feel if your H was asking you to reconcile with him and what your feelings would be. Do it as many times as you need and see if you start feeling the pain from his point of view.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I know this is not even close to the same thing, but b/c he is now dating someone and I am waiting for him "to come back" so to speak I can, in a very small way, see things from his perspective. Had he been ready and willing to come back, it would be much more difficult to see things through his eyes. Although it is very painful right now to think of him with someone else, I think it is for the best - it helps me to get a taste - a very small taste - of what he went through thinking about me with someone else. Of course, he has every right to be in this relationship - I Dv him - I am not trying to compare his pain to mine - his is far, far greater and I will never know exactly what he has been through - I can only imagine. And I am not dealing with deceit, violated marriage vows, etc. I hope you do not take this to mean that I think what I am going through comes close to what he has gone through, b/c that is not what I am implying.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Is he a man that considers his 'pride' important? If it's not or iffy at best, then I would suggest you might want to reconsider using the word 'pride' which he might interpret more as 'ego' and thus belittling his deep pain. You might consider changing it to something like "I know I hurt you deeply.." instead..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>He does have a lot of pride - in a good way. However, I do see your point and perhaps it would be better to write what you suggested and take out the reference to pride. I guess I was just attempting to let him know that I am really thinking about all of the ways I hurt him, pride and all.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>The first part of last paragraph has a 'get over it and lets get on with our lives again' feel to it. It feels very condescending, but I would keep the part about learning from the experience and not forgeting about it because it validates the the tremendous impact it had on him.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Again, I can see how you could draw this conclusion. I was not trying to be condescending in any way at all. I guess what I was trying to say, and perhaps did not word it correctly, was that I want to journey forward from here. I wanted to convey that I am willing to do the work, go forward, that I'm in it for the long haul, the forever haul. I was trying to acknowledge that I cannot change what I have done - that I cannot take away his pain or the scars that are left b/c of what I have done. I cannot "undo" anything - like with a repaired tire - you cannot take the hole away that the nail put into the tire, but you can repair it the best you can. There will always be evidence of the hole, you cannot undo driving over the nail, but you can do your best to repair it - take extra steps to repair it the best you can - not just a sloppy patch job.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>But overall I give your letter a B+.
Good luck and God bless.
Joe</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks for the input and the grade!!! This is exactly what I am looking for - what your gut reactions are to what I have written, although they may not be his reaction, it does give me an insight into what he could get out of it and read into it. <p>Thank you!!!<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: NC20505 ]</p>

Dear NC20505, <p>That was an awesome letter...my eyes filled with tears as i read it. I would be so overjoyed to get such a letter from my WS....but i don't think she has reached that place yet. <p>Can you tell me your story.....how long was your affair, how long did you seperate, what made you end the affair, how did you get to the point to want to reconsile ? How did you get through withdrawal ? <p>My WS is in the process of trying to give up OP...but she isn't doing very well with it and i am ready to take divorce OFF of hold. <p>Don't CHANGE A WORD....it speaks from your heart and that's where you need to talk from at this point. <p>I don't even know you, but am proud of you for admitting your wrongs and trying to right them !! GOOD JOB...keep up the good work !

I thought it was an excellent letter but I would leave out the part about how he may hate you. Although he may, I don't think he wants to be reminded of it. I am sure he would love to have his family back but make sure it is you that he wants and not just the kids and you are just part of the package deal. <p>I know God can restore your Marriage
God Bless
Don

here's a different take.<p>Your ex-husband has just invited you to spend the weekend with him.
And you reply "Thank you again for inviting me to spend the weekend with you and the boys. This means the world to me." That is a wonderful acceptance but imvho it is all you need to say.<p>You are divorced, he is dating, you have no idea what he plans to say to you that weekend if anything. Perhaps he has decided to remarry someone else. Chill out and remember actions not words.

NC20505,<p>I thought I would add some feedback to your letter. All in all it was a very good letter but a couple of people touched on a few things and I thought I would expand. <p>If you read this site you will find that there are several things people trying to rebuild their marriages should avoid: clearly love busters, but they come in various forms. The one that comes to mind here is "disrespectful judgements". Now this is subtle and I realize it isn't what you intended but let me offer you some examples from your letter.<p>I offer this so that you may become a bit more sensitive to the situation.<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that I hurt your pride, ****. I know that I have injured your innermost being. <hr></blockquote><p>You may suspect this but unless he has told you this, don't say that you KNOW it. You know that you let him down, you know had you been in his place how you would feel. You strongly suspect that you have hurt him deeply. Do you see where this is going?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that in some ways you may even feel foolish for contemplating taking me back. What will people think? Surely some will wonder if you've lost your mind. How can you take back a woman that lied, cheated, left you, divorced you? I know in some cases it may even be embarassing to admit to people that you are contemplating reconciliation. <hr></blockquote><p>Again, this is information for you to work on, but most guys don't want to admit their weaknesses any more than you do. I would suggest that you discuss how foolish you feel as you do later, but perhaps you could state that you hope he doesn't feel this way, because you don't think of him as foolish for considering this. Again, do you see the difference. He would be inhuman not to be hurt, but he may not have put these words to those feelings. You don't want him fighting your words, when your message is what is important. <p>I realize that I amoung others suggested that he might feel "foolish", but that was for you to consider. THey may not be his words for what he feels. Do you see what I am driving at? You are making a judgement about how he feels, and he may feel that way, but may not have put those words to it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I understand these feelings. I, of all people, never want to look foolish in front of anyone. Sadly, the decisions I have made and the actions I have taken have done nothing but made me the most foolish of all. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It is very humbling. I know these feelings are very difficult for you to face. Perhaps, however, some people, those people that really matter, will admire you. I know several will be thinking "wow, he is much more of a man than I think I could be" or "I really admire him for doing what God ultimately desires". I know God will bless you ****. <hr></blockquote><p>I would put this before you discuss his possible feelings.<p>I think if you go back and read your letter, there are many things here that need rethinking. I realize you are trying to emphasize with him. You are correct to do so, but it is a fine line. Personally, I like your car analogy very much.<p>BUT, if this is a thank you note why not make it one. Make it simple and straight to the point: you enjoyed being together, you really enjoyed being with him, and you thank him for inviting you.<p>Then send him another note or letter expressing the feelings you have and those triggered by being with him this weekend. Does this make sense to you? You don't want to push him, BUT you do want to encourage him. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This is a bit like fishing, patience and a gentle hand go a long way in attracting the fish. Your H is NOT a fish, but you are dealing with very deep emotions here and that often means that the ability to do damage is just as great as the ability to help someone heal. <p>You see interestingly you are way ahead of him: as usual. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You engineered the affair and the divorce, as well as moving away. Now you are engineering the reconcilliation. You were ready for all of these actions because they were yours. Your H was not ready then and he may not be ready now. You will need to have a lot of patience and give it a lot of time for him to come around.<p>Frankly, the fact that he is dating this woman may be to your advantage, because it means he is healing, and he may see himself in a more positive light. BUt, it may also mean that a year after the divorce he has healed enough to give up hope for you. A year is the magic period for recovering from life altering experiences. <p>So NC, don't overwhelm him, but be very honest, very truthful, and treat him as someone you would like to date or are dating. Yes, you have children, but I suspect for his own mental health he was forced to separate emotionally from them to some extent. You have not mentioned how often he got to see them, but with a 4 hour drive each way, I doubt it could have been very often.<p>So go slowly, have patience and continue to learn about yourself and how to rebuild a marriage.<p>Good luck with the letter/letters and keep up what you are doing.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

great letter.<p>one thing though--the last paragraph is kinda like 'lets move forward and not look back." my bet is your H will want to revisit that place in the road a lot more than you anticipate. it is scary, but you can do it.<p>Good luck

ditto JL's letter comments. Simply put, do not put words in his mouth or feelings in his heart. Don't speculate on his feelings - you may grossly understate them, generating a cynical response.<p>On another topic - have you performed Plan A?<p>I recommend you highly respect his current "date." If I were him, I would resent you coming around now - after I was moving on with a potentially new love in my life - unless you acknowledge that you realize you're no better than next in line right now. I would receive anything more as being controlling, selfish, and indicative of having not learned a thing about relationships. So, I recommend that after you send your letter that you just standby and not impose yourself.<p>This is what it would take for me to think about reconciliation, with no guarantees.<p>Nonetheless, I wish you luck and I will live vicariously thru your H if you continue to post here.

I only have a minute but wanted to respond. You may not like what I am about to say. And perhaps others will blast me for it, but....<p> The letter you have written is the kind of letter ALL BSes on this site pray for, myself included...
At least in the beginning. This letter would have meant so very much to me...when I was practically begging for it...back when everything came into the open.<p> What your letter did to me today when I read it was quite the opposite. It had no effect on me what-so-ever. Well not the effect you are hoping for. <p> What first went through my mind was that it is too late. And, why now? Why after I have finally started to move on? <p> I felt pity, quite honestly. <p> Now, the letter is fairly well written. Others have already given sound advice on some of the negatives. I would suggest taking their advice and making the few changes necessary. Then give it to your H. But I would suggest that you "not" expect too much. <p> I am also the BS husband, who is in the process of moving on without my wife. Why couldn't she have written this letter a few months ago? Why couldn't you?<p> I wish you only the best in this.<p> jd