This past week, I have been feeling weepy (ever since reading Cali's post saying the same thing!) I was just about out of steam doing plan A. Then, a friend suggested that everyday I spend 10 minutes "In session with God". No reading, no prayers, just sit quietly with God. <p>A few days into this, just before my "session", I was crying about where my M is at this point. I have come to realize that my WH really does not know how to have a healthy R, not with me, not with God, not with anyone. Really, i've know this, but it really sunk in. Even though WH seems to be making his way back to our M, (slowly, slowly as J.R. puts it)that is what upset me. I am a much stronger person now, one who can stand up for what she believes, who knows what it takes to have a good R, one who knows was right living is all about. I want a H who puts God 1st, me 2nd, the kids 3rd, and THEN work, golf, etc. One who is willing to grow & to learn. I am so ready to have a loving caring relationship. <p>Anyway, in this session with God, after sitting on my pitypot, I heard "You are not supposed to feel good about your M right now. It IS in shambles. Your M hasn't been restored yet. (me - yet?) I WILL RESTORE YOUR M. I heard it a few times, I WILL RESTORE YOUR M. It was very powerful, and when I was done, I felt at peace.<p>Lately,I've been having a really good time being on my own. I am thankful that before finding MB, that I decided to wait at least 6 mo to a year to dicide whether or not to get a DV. I have grown so much, and been through pain & anquish, have kicked & screamed at my M not going the way that I would like it. But, If it (DV) were to happen now, I would be OK.<p>My plan B letter is written & Steve Harley had me think though what markers I would use to make the decision to go to plan B.<p>One of those markers is a golf trip that WH plans on going to early May with his "friends" that he grew up with, the ones he sees all the time cuz he lives near them now. The "friends" that like to party, the "friends" of the OW 1 & 2. If he goes on this trip, that I am one step closer to plan B. It shows me that I am not a priority nor is rebuilding our m. He has said that slowly he would like to see if we can rebuild M. But so far, has not done much in terms of action. <p>Today, he told me that he probably will NOT go on golf Tournament. (yes!) I almost fell off my chair! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I pray that he begins to see these "friends" for what they are. (i won't go into that now).<p>One more thing that I need to mention. This is I will be held accountable. There is a group that I see 2-3 times a week. The first time I went after Dday, there was a man in there that at first glance looked very similar to my WH. It kind of shook me. He was very attracted to me from the beginning.<p>I did not encourage him, and hardly spoke to him because even as horrible as I felt, and I did have thoughts of having a revenge A, I knew that I had to do what was right. That I didn't need to have someone validate that I was attractive or wanted, I was ok with myself.<p>Fast forward to the last couple of weeks & In this group, we all hug one another, and it is stressed that males befriend males and females befriend females. Well I hugged this guy as I was leaving (one of those side to side hugs) & he kissed me on the cheek! I was surprised. I left right away.<p>The next time, I was standing in the parking lot talking to some (female) friends, I he drove up & asked me something & then kind of tugged on my shirt. (kind of a flirty guesture. <p>Pleas hear me, I have NO interest in this guy, and plan on telling him I am uncomfortable with him going in this direction and to stop! The first time, I could dismiss it, but not after the 2nd. This is where I need to be accountable & post back here that I have done just that.<p>This is where A's start, the little guestures, and the little things said. They can seem so innocent (not to experienced MBr's!) just nothings. NOT! I have no feelings for this guy, but I got to thinking, what would I do if I had actually found him attractive? Hopefully the same thing that I plan on doing now, stop it in it's tracks.<p>It feels so good to be able to post here & pour out your heart to "strangers" that seem like long lost buddies. Thanks for listening, this is longer than anticipated.<p>God Bless [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
