red,<p>You and I are in the same situation, but you're a few steps ahead of me. I found out yesterday that mediation is in a couple of weeks. I was curious to know exactly what the process entails. Can you please share from your experience?<p>Here are some facts, just to get your thoughts:<p>1. W filed for primary custody, I filed for sole custody<p>2. Due to our work schedules, I am my daughter's primary caregiver, probably 60%/40%<p>3. I have been equally involved in every possible part of my daughter's life since the day she was born, more so than any father I know (and my friend's will attest to that)<p>4. For the first year and a half, I took my daughter to my SIL's and picked her up everyday; since then my W takes her to daycare and I pick her up, play with her and feed her dinner<p>5. We have both taken days off to stay home with her when she's sick; we both leave work early to take her to the doctor when necessary<p>6. Everday we either go to the park, go bike riding, play in the backyard, play Barbies, draw pictures, play ball, watch movies, read books, go for drives, etc. I take her everywhere I possibly can with me.<p>7. My W has threatened to press criminal charges against me for taping her phone conversations if I pursue custody. I have a letter on record to document this.<p>8. I have been wiling to compromise by offering to sell the house and agree to interim shared custody of our daughter. I have a letter on record to document this also. My W, on her lawyer's advice, said she will not agree to sell the house unless I give her custody and pay child support, in essence using our daughter as leverage.<p>9. OM called me a while back and among other things, said my W has talked about killing herself.<p>Any thoughts? Do I have a chance?<p>sad dad

sad dad,<p>This board is moving too fast for me ... I didn't see it earlier.<p>Yeap, I wish I had someone informed me before but as you know it came out the reverse of what my WW's wants. First let me clearify the steps that I had experinced might not applicable to you. I live in San Francisco bay area, under San Mateo county, CA. If you live in CA, most of the principal is the same ... if you live in my county, you will have insight peek of the process, email me and I could give you more detail. Also check this link. This web site is great resource, spend time to read other pages. I assume you are talking about physical custody in here.<p>In CA, the family court system beleive in share custody as the best for the kid (I do beleive this is widely adopted by many states too). Why you are in mediation ? ... because both of you could not agree so the MSW (mediation social worker) will evaluate both of you and might need to confirm it w/ interview of your D or anybody as MSW sees it fit to come to recomendation to the court. This is not the financial nor legal preceeding or to determine child support or listen to your M problem ... this mediation is find what are agreeable between you and what are not in the legal/physical child custody arrangement. The disputes will be recorded and MSW will give her/his recomendation ... my MSW is highly repected, ask you lawyer if she/he knows your mediator and go to your county's court house to see samples of MSW's ruling. I beleive Dv record are public record ... so you could check recent cases and read it up w/o no fee unless you need to copy them. If you have veteran lawyer, he could give you even Dv case#(s) to make it easier for you. The MSW's recomendation will be read by the judge to make ruling for temporary custody on your first hearing and those will be permanent unless one of you petition differently. Some people said that this mediation is meaningless ... yes, it could be but you want to gain advantage in here since the other party who is disagree will carry the burden of prove why not.<p>Forget about full custody, unless you could prove that your wife does not fit to take care of your D you won't get it. Also by the mere fact that you let her take care of her now, it will be hard to prove it. Also shared doesn't mean 50-50. It could be the same as current arrangement or better or worst. You have to bring also prove or show that you beleive in shared parenting ... A lot of don't and hopefully you don't do that !. I could listed what I get from the class of parenting in Dv later and answer it on your own.<p>I came .5 hours early, I came with all the paper work that comes w/ mediation dates filled out. Dress well like you are going to an interview ... you are !!!. You are being evaluated why you should be given primary custody. Bring your notes & 3 copies of every papers/materials that you want MSW to have it. (a copy each for you, your W and MSW). Basically, you have to show why you are a better choice to take care of your D. This is the time when you use all arsenal you have ... not to defame or attack your W but to support your case and show that you act in the best interest of your D. For example, I brought OM's RO to back my worry about my 2 D will be around this man ... I brought up the the fact that OM 2x Dv & still married and she was involve in RO to show that her lack of judgement and I do not feel comfortable to let her as primary care of my 2 D. NEVER LIE but you could avoid bring some facts that are not in your favor. Tell MSW that you are trying to work on M because of your D and because you still love your W !. You will be asked about your present arrangement, what is & is not indispute about future arangement. The rule is either party could walk out anytime and of course it won't be in your favor but you can. If both of you could not be civil, MSW could make one of you leave and do separate interview. Be at your best behavior, show maturity and emphaty for your W. You want her to hear what you have to say ... (my WW have to be kick out from the room since it hurt her to hear the fact !!! and she tried to stop me from talking.) I made mistake to let her in the room by herself even MSW told me that I don't need to. My WW requested that I leave the room but she was there listening my side of the story. I let her in the room alone and talked to MSW ... even MSW required to tell me about it when I was invited back, MSW told me only the summerized version not the drama version of it. However I think it was in my favor to show I have nothing to hide and also my WW burned her self with her fog !!!. On her fog, I suspect that she told MSW that I was not capable of taking care of my 2 D and they are going to school "dirty". I came to that conclusion since MSW report on intervied w/ my 2 D teacher stated that my 2 D are well taken care off !. I suspect also she describe OM as a very nice person ... she didn't understand that RO is a reverse judgment from what OM asked for, it became family RO. MSW stated that she is confused with my WW's depiction of OM [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I suspect that my WW also brought up me taping her telephone conversation but I never offers it to MSW. Anyway, enough of my own story ... <p>You should ask your lawyer on bring up taped conversation !. This is not a legal proceeding. IMHO, you might even be able to get away with telling MSW that there are tapes to prove it w/o giving it to MSW. Just give MSW her letter about the tape !!!. Your lawyer might even tell you it is ok'ed to give the tape to MSW. I told my lawyer the exsitance of taped conversations but I never give it to him.<p>What are your chances ? ... good chances you will get more than 50% if you present your side well. As long as you get more than 50% is actually a moral victory, your D's legal address will be where you live [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . CC is not automatic. Use everything to present/support your side of the story. There are more and more brave men fight for child custody and prove that we are the better choice to raise our child. One improtant notes ... tell your MSW that it will unstable for your D to change the current arrangement ... the worst you have is 60% [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>As far as child support & possibly spousal support, if you are in CA, there are only three program that the judge will use ... you could predict how much it will be. Otherwise your lawyer should be consulted<p>Good luck & keep us updated. -RH-<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

sad dad,<p>I commented your situation directly ... this is my personal oppinion ...<p>1. W filed for primary custody, I filed for sole custody
Good, get her lawyer & her hyped up and show 'em that you are serious about fighting back.Question for you how much % she is asking for ? ... 70-30 ?<p>2. Due to our work schedules, I am my daughter's primary caregiver, probably 60%/40%
Good, get a piece of weekly reminder ... color coded to show MSW where your D spend time w/. Make 3 copies.<p>3. I have been equally involved in every possible part of my daughter's life since the day she was born, more so than any father I know (and my friend's will attest to that)
Fair, MSW will look at the past years or so. Keep your freinds name and phone handy, most likey MSW will not call him<p>4. For the first year and a half, I took my daughter to my SIL's and picked her up everyday; since then my W takes her to daycare and I pick her up, play with her and feed her dinner
Fair, you have to let MSW aware of it. Be ready with the day care's contact person and phone#.<p>5. We have both taken days off to stay home with her when she's sick; we both leave work early to take her to the doctor when necessary
Fair, responsible parenting ... it make it harder for sole custody and more toward shared custody<p>6. Everday we either go to the park, go bike riding, play in the backyard, play Barbies, draw pictures, play ball, watch movies, read books, go for drives, etc. I take her everywhere I possibly can with me.
Good, make sure you stated when you present your side<p>7. My W has threatened to press criminal charges against me for taping her phone conversations if I pursue custody. I have a letter on record to document this.
Great, at least bring 3 copies of that letter. If the content of conversation are supporting your case to show that she is irresponsible or she is loss her judgement, ask your lawyer if you could present the tapes to MSW. Otherwise just gave the letter to MSW and don't explain what is the conversation about unless you are asked.<p>8. I have been wiling to compromise by offering to sell the house and agree to interim shared custody of our daughter. I have a letter on record to document this also. My W, on her lawyer's advice, said she will not agree to sell the house unless I give her custody and pay child support, in essence using our daughter as leverage.
Great, bring 3 copies of the letter ... make sure MSW hear that you want your D and nothing to do about $. I told MSW that I am willing to pay CC as if 70% as long as my 2 D stay with me.<p>9. OM called me a while back and among other things, said my W has talked about killing herself.
[b]Use the information wisely ... you might need to say it to show your W's mental stability. Does she know that you talked w/ OM ? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Any thoughts? Do I have a chance?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Remember that this mediation is not legal proceeding ... you do not need any prove and you are not sworn ... However be truthfull. (My WW accuse me for not being around ... that was 6 years ago, since then after I discovered her EA, I was in plan A without knowing.) I did not denied it, my WW's fog remember differently. I only told MSW that my focus was bringing as much bacon as possible back then but now my focus is my family. The past 7 months, she spent less than 95% w/ my 2 D !!!. The interview w/ my 2 D revealed that since Dec 2001, I was the single dad. The most important thing, pray and ask other to pray for you ... we only could do our best and HIS will be done.<p>You have a good chances to be the primary care, you have demonstrated that you are capable.<p>-RH-<p>Dear Havenly Father, You know what is best for sad dad's D and You have plan for her, sad dad and his W. Lord, give sad dad wisdom to understand Your will and give him strength to face this part of the 'coaster ride. May You guide him on his preparation for the mediation. May You use the mediator to help sad dad to be the primary custody of his D. Show sad dad your grace and miracle so that he could rejoice and glorify Your Name. In the name of Jesus Christ and Holly spirit I pray. Amen.

redhat,<p>Thank you so much for your thorough and well informed replies. They are invaluable to me. I will be do everything I can to be as prepared as possible.<p>To answer your questions: <p>1. She wants primary custody, with me getting our D 2 nights a week and every other weekend. That's not a compromise, that's what I'd get if I lose.
She wouldn't agree to that if it was the other way around.<p>9. Yes, W knows OM called me. I told her what he said and she denied it.<p>Just two more points I want to add:<p>When I suggested we sell the house and shared interim custody, her response was "No, it's not fair to <daughter>, I won't shuffle her back and forth. We can just continue to live like this." I replied "I hope we can work this out without getting the lawyers involved." Nothing about this is fair to our daughter and she'll be shuffled back and forth for the next fourteen years regardless of the outcome.<p>I also suggested we keep our daughter in the same daycare (once we sell the house) so she doesn't have too much change at one time, even if it's inconvenient for us. Her response was "I don't know where I'll be living". It doesn't matter, it's not about us, it's about what's best for our daughter.<p>Thanks also for the prayer. Hopefully He listened.<p>sad dad

sad dad,<p>u r welcome and glad could be a helper.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>1. She wants primary custody, with me getting our D 2 nights a week and every other weekend. That's not a compromise, that's what I'd get if I lose.
She wouldn't agree to that if it was the other way around.<hr></blockquote>
Thats about 60-40 for her. You know you could not have 100% but the other away around is very likely.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>9. Yes, W knows OM called me. I told her what he said and she denied it.<hr></blockquote>
Remember you could still use this if you need it, just to let MSW hears it. You do not need to prove it. MSW will write down what each of you say, and ask question if MSW need further clarification. A good MSW will only listen and investigate on her/his own.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>When I suggested we sell the house and shared interim custody, her response was "No, it's not fair to <daughter>, I won't shuffle her back and forth. We can just continue to live like this." I replied "I hope we can work this out without getting the lawyers involved." Nothing about this is fair to our daughter and she'll be shuffled back and forth for the next fourteen years regardless of the outcome.<hr></blockquote>
Point this one out to the MSW, let her answer it and let her show her fog ... Your D will be shuttle back and forth regardless [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . The only way is 100% custody w/ no overnight visitation which she is not seeking.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I also suggested we keep our daughter in the same daycare (once we sell the house) so she doesn't have too much change at one time, even if it's inconvenient for us. Her response was "I don't know where I'll be living". It doesn't matter, it's not about us, it's about what's best for our daughter.<hr></blockquote>
Bring this one up too. It shows her fog too, it show that she has no plan ... how could she says that what best for your D [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . The best for your D is working on M. Make sure you mention that you still love W and willing to work on M if you want to plan A'ng MSW. Don't put your hope high about the following but actually if MSW feels that both of you could live under the same roof. MSW could recomend it until Dv is finalized !. If MSW sees that there is a high chance of reconciliation, she/he could recomend that both of you see MC pending your Dv. That's why you need to go to your county court house and do some research about your MSW and put together case profiles on MSW's recomendations.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Hopefully He listened.</strong><hr></blockquote>
HE listened alright, HE 've promised us if we knock HE will opened up door for us. It doesn't matter if you are Christian or not, we all are HIS children. HE always prevails ... ask wisdom to see HIS plan for you and let this mediation on HIS hand. HE is our Father, HE has plan for us ... we do our best to be prepared, HE will take care the rest (everything that are beyond our control).<p>God Bless you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] -RH-