I am living with a man and we have tentative plans to marry this fall. Here's a little history...<p>We dated for two years and then broke up for almost another two years. Throughout the period that we were broken up he asked me back continuously. The main reason we broke up is he cheated ~ more than once ~ and I simply couldn't take it. Not only did he cheat, he had a very good way of trying to convince me that I was somehow losing my mind, that I was crazy because I only imagined things. The kicker is this... he would say he didn't like living under a microscope, I'm a "detective", I am like the FBI, and accused me of harassing him about every little thing he does. Yes, I did snoop when I suspected he was cheating. My suspicions were right. <p>I finally decided to give him another chance. We talked many times while we were apart. He lived about 5 hours away so we really had time to think and had time for ourselves. He insisted that he has changed... that he does not want anyone else... That he is willing to talk with me about anything... that he is so sincere about his fidelity that he would give me access to any of his passwords, email, whatever.<p>We have now been back together 8 months. There have been a few times where numbers have been deleted from the redial function of our phone (it holds the last three numbers and it continuously rolls when a new number comes in... it takes three different "clicks" to delete one of those numbers). Sometimes I have seen that numbers are deleted. This only happens when I am NOT home. I don't know if he does have something to hide but it's kinda fishy considering it has happened several times. I asked him about it once and that was that. I decided that I can continue to grill him about it or not... the answer would be the same. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt.<p>I've been in therapy since Jan 01. I really was very insecure and untrusting. I'm not like that now. I am much more secure and let things roll off my back. I don't worry about things I cannot control. I was molested as a child and have had several abusive relationships. Those are some issues I have been working on.<p>WELL... last night we had this huge argument. He said some really nasty things to me. Here are a few:<p>"You are f*#%ed up from your childhood"
"You are on so much medication do you even know who you are?"
"One day you're way down here and the next day way up here"
"I am sick of living under a microscope"
"I can't do anything"
"Get the f&#% out of my house"
"You stupid crazy Bi@&$!"<p>Now I PROMISE to all of you reading I do NOT question him. I do not follow him. I don't bug him about what he does when I am not around. What I mentioned is just a *taste* of what he had to say to me last night.<p>Right now there is nothing he can say to smooth this over. After all the struggles I have gone through with therapy, and trying to learn a new way of thinking, he simply cut me down so low that I was shaking last night. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Literally my body was shaking all over. <p>I feel like I need to leave but I know that I shouldn't make hasty decisions. What he said was rotten and verbally abusive. That is a place he should not have gone. I don't know what to do at this point. We already had plans today... I am supposed to pick him up so he can drop his car off for maintenance. And we had lunch plans. I am getting ready to email him and tell him I'm sick on my stomach and I can't eat but I will still pick him up. I have an appt with my psychiatrist around lunchtime so I will talk with him then about this. <p>In the meantime... how do I handle this? Is there any way he can fix this? Is there any reason why I should stay? I don't feel I deserve this and "I'm sorry" doesn't make the pain go away.<p>AND I think he's awful paranoid about what he's doing. I don't snoop or ask him anything but he spent about 30 minutes last night telling me how I follow him around and he can't do anything... he can't even have a drink after work (funny... I don't get home till 2 - 3 hours after him... I wouldn't even know if he did!). <p>After all his accusations that I am putting him under a microscope, I suspect I have the same exact man I dated the last time. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

My gut says: Run. Don't walk. Any guy that says these things to you before marriage:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
"You are f*#%ed up from your childhood"
"You are on so much medication do you even know who you are?"
"One day you're way down here and the next day way up here"
"I am sick of living under a microscope"
"I can't do anything"
"Get the f&#% out of my house"
"You stupid crazy Bi@&$!"
<hr></blockquote><p>...will say worse things to you after marriage. Keep working on yourself... you sound very strong. I'd be interested in what your therapist has to say.<p>Hugs,
Cali

It seems like you may have uncovered something about your boyfriend that he is unwilling to talk about. His anger towards you is probably his defense mechanism towards this. He sounds paranoid and scared that you may find out something about him that he is trying to keep a secret, whatever that is. But, if I were to make a guess, I would go with his past behavior. Just because he says he has changed and is faithful to you doesn't mean that he is, actions do speak louder than words, and right now, his actions are not consistent with his words.<p>Definitely take a step back and re-evaluate where your relationship stands right now. If you can not rely on him for the emotional support that you need now, chances are it wont be there if you get married. The things he said are just down right mean, no one should use a persons childhood abuse as a way to attack their self esteem, there is just no excuse for that kind of behavior. <p>Whatever you decide, remember that you are worth (and deserve) a whole lot more than what he is giving you right now. Stand tall and proud of who you are and what you have done, don't let his insecurities bring you down!

There is no reason to even have a R with this person, much less marry him, and every reason to walk away. He is abusive, plain and simple. Get out before children are involved. Tell him you are done and have no more contact with him. Trust has no place in a R damaged by infidelity and to demand trust in such a situation is abusive. Get the book, Letting Go, by Tracy Cabot and Zev Wanderer and get on with your life. Many of us weren't so fortunate as to have so many red flags of warning BEFORE M. You do, so take advantage of the foresight we didn't have.