Since January of 2000 my DW has gone through many changes. One is a dramatic increase in her sexual drive. By June or so we were physically active twice a day & many weekend days three & four times. We have kept that pace up until past couple months where I have just been weary for lack of better term.<p>Maybe I have read & studied too much about Sex Add.? I have tried to reduce the sexual intensity & increase the emotional, affection aspects & that has not worked. In most cases she is not all that interested in the cuddling, kissing phase, but wants to go pretty much to the main event with the direct oral thing as the warm up. In the summer of 2000 (when what I now know was during her A’s) she introduced idea that she liked her Sex rough – she said I needed to be rougher & she would tell me when to stop or if it hurt too much. I have not felt completely comfortable with this, but I try to do my best to please (which I now know is not necessarily healthy!) I got a small cat tail kind of whip for example & she got a new toy she liked. Since I brought her back in February of 2001 I have not brought out the whip and I have made numerous suggestions that I was not comfortable with her using her toy – I mean isn’t twice a day of the actual thing enough?!<p>In the last few months I have not initiated S in the evening & kept our activity to once a day in the mornings. In terms of the pain factor I have complied with her desire there many times with very tight & almost full strength pinching of her nipples.<p>If you follow my story, you know I still struggle at times in trying to resolve her motives for the A’s. Aside from her saying she just does not know & her “victim” theory, recent events have reminded me about her other justifications – Namely that it was just plain exciting & she confessed that our Sex was the best after she had been with one of them! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Yes, she confessed a lot!<p>Another haunting confession was that she said she had an opportunity to call off her date on D/Day and when I asked why she did not, she explained in a tone like she would be a fool not to by saying; “My God, the guy is 36!” (remember, she was 48 at the time).<p>I was away this weekend at a church retreat and get home on Sunday at noon. She told me of her activities for the weekend. She went out with mutual girl friend, W of one of the guys I was with. They had dinner, went shopping and went to late movie – got home around 12:30. Saturday she ended up going to a Moose Lodge with three gals from her work. One of the girl’s girlfriends was in the band. My DW was excited with the apparent good time. She did not say if she danced & I did not ask. She said the girls all said they should all come back with the Husbands. This is potentially sensitive area where my current prudishness may stick out. I like to go out and have a drink & converse with friends, but frankly, with where I am now at least, I do not enjoy being in a smoke filled dance hall with the music straining my ear drums, let alone going through her provocative, suggestive gyrations on a crowded dance floor. This is definite area where she can claim I don’t meet her needs for recreation. Another area for her to profess unmet needs or satisfaction – I’m feeling some pressure that I’m not living up to her expectations for excitement & fun! In short, I am boring! I can see where she may be thinking she has more fun going out with friends. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sunday, She is feeling quite amorous & suggests we go upstairs. I asked if she missed me & she said, “yes!” I asked if she missed me for the sex or affection? She said, “Both!” As we begin she wants to bring in her toy & I say, “no, let’s not”. But she continues – My endurance fell short. The second & third time on Sunday afternoon I will admit my performance on the endurance side was below par (I’m a golfer). I felt bad, but did not know what to say. She suggested that I take some Horny Goat Weed & I declined. She slept most of afternoon & into early evening (thank god!) She asked to go for number four and it was just not in my heart! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] -- as frankly this performance anxiety was starting to creep into my feeble brain!<p>Yesterday morning she was not feeling well, so I went on to work. Last night I had my support group meeting and when I return home around 9:45 PM, within 5 minutes I am in bed with her and this time I was rubbing her back & shoulders & she was allowing little kisses and even kissing back! I was feeling very warm & cozy & loving and as we both get aroused and begin the physical thing we continue the closeness, & I nibble on her neck & kiss her ear, which is unusual actually. Well, I failed to keep the endurance! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] She got extremely upset & pounded on my chest & got up & stormed down stairs – it is close to 11:00 PM -- I fall asleep after a while. I wake up this morning with her next to me.<p>She is somewhat cold & distant this morning & has this general demeanor of great disappointment, “poor me,” kind of attitude. I try to be friendly, but I don’t want to dismiss the severity of my failure & act as if nothing is wrong, so I join in her sullen mood more or less. I do not know what to say – I just could not muster enough courage to admit “my failure as a man” & offer any apologies. I say good bye & she says it back, almost like it was the morning of a dear friends funeral or something. <p>Now here is strange change. Generally she dresses in another room. This morning she is in our room with undies & her bra is not only the push up type, but padded, so the cleavage is very pronounced & she stretches a v-neck top on, that when combined with her hipsters, she has the profile of a Barbie Doll! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess I don’t have to tell you that I am struggling here a bit! I get this uneasy feeling that I may be in some kind of competition here & that if I don’t perform up to her standards there are plenty of other opportunities for her to fill her undying need here?! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I do not know how to initiate a conversation. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] If I suggest that it seems to me that she is still in this sexual overdrive mode it will surely create big battle that I am accusatory and untrusting and I’m forcing or pushing her away. I just cannot suggest that her dress is provocative – it is strictly fashion & she has endorsement from friends and co-workers! She made a point that our friend she was with Friday (same age range) said her daughters said that she (friend) should get pants like my DW wears & that they (daughters) like how my DW dresses (they are 20 & 22 and were both in my Sunday School class). This I believe validates my DW’s perspective that she is simply adorable & glamorous and the envy of every 50 year old.<p>I don’t know how I can keep up. I fell like I am falling off the pace in this race!<p> Any idea’s? I am weary & feeling some pressure here! Do I just load up on HGW & do I apologize for lack of performance and get back into the game or do I tell her to bring in the reserves?! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Peace,
HH<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

HH,<p>Don't know if I remember if you have ever answered this queastion, OR if it has ever been asked:<p>Is your W going to a therapist for Sex Addiction OR other sexual abnormalities? Seems to me there is TOO MUCH going on here to be "natural" or just a woman's "sexual peak."<p>Just my 02¢<p>God Bless,

HH,<p>Have you considered asking your wife to be evaluated by a psychiatrist? Is it possible she is hypo-manic? Is she taking any anti-depressants? They can sometimes cause a low-grade manic state in susceptible people.<p>MJ

HH,
I'm almost aghast that you feel you aren't measuring up.<p>I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but I think your wife needs a (another) hobby!<p>I'm 42 and I can't imagine having enough time and opportunity or desire to have sex that often.<p>I guess that isn't very helpful to you, but you aren't at fault here, there's something amiss with her mindset if she is disappointed with you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong>HH,
Is your W going to a therapist for Sex Addiction OR other sexual abnormalities? Seems to me there is TOO MUCH going on here to be "natural" or just a woman's "sexual peak."<p>Just my 02¢
God Bless,</strong><hr></blockquote>
Lupolady,<p>Thanks!
This has been major concern of mine & most of the people that respond typically choose not to recognise this (SA) as a possibiity or they don't know enough about it( more likely!).
I am in a S-anaon group. As you can tell, she is in total denial.
First counselor suggested SA as possibility & recommended we read Patrick Carnes book, "Out of the Shadows" and it was close enough to d/day that my DW did read lots of it & admitted that it could be an issue. Since then she has gone to current counselor, which I don't think she has seen in months,but according to her his take is that SA is not a problem! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I don't think she has told this counselor many details --I believe that in her mind it would be too embarassing & it would ruin this "victim" role she plays many times! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maryjanes[/b}
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Have you considered asking your wife to be evaluated by a psychiatrist? Is it possible she is hypo-manic? Is she taking any anti-depressants? They can sometimes cause a low-grade manic state in susceptible people. <hr></blockquote>
Good idea - see my post on control. [b]I don't think I can ask her to pick up a gallon of milk if she knew I would take a sip -- too controlling
She was taking Zoloft, but with her MLC, and these changes & her make over, she stoped those. She bought some ST. Johns Warts, but has not taken -- Frankly I believe she self medicates with SEX! I have to determine if I want to throw this back up into her face to force her to hit bottom & seek solutions or do I continue to ignore with her & just focus on me? DO I set strick boundaries & then leave when she does not comply ?
Lor
Thanks, I appreciate your emphathy! It means a lot!
Peace to all,
HH

HH,<p> I have followed your story almost since I logged in to this site. I occasionally recieve posts from you through another group as well. <p> I guess all I want to ask is....how long are you going to put up with this? Man, you deserve so much more. <p> I wish that you could start to let her go. Perhaps this is wrong of me. I know you must love her dearly. But she is going to end up causing your death. Hell, I'm young in comparison and there would be no way I could keep up with all that you endure. Talk about abuse.<p> As always I wish the best for you HH. But, is that enough? I doubt it.<p> jd

HH,<p>You seem to be in the same rut as you were when I first came to these boards as Mrs. Job. Not much in your life has improved and it seems not much in your marriage has improved. How long are you in Plan A?<p>I don't mean to offend but you seem to be awfully caught up in her manner of dress, the sexual behavior between the two of you, her out of control libido and her unwillingness to change clothes in front of you. You do a lot of worrying about it. Is there something there that you might want to address in counseling? No offense intended, but is her behavior meeting some need in you? If so, is it in your best interests to get this need met in what appears to be an unhealthy relationship that is not improving? Does she continue in this relationship only because you are there to reflect back to her the image she needs to see (that of being young, sexy and desirable)? Do the two of you share anything else in your life besides SF?<p>In honest respect and concern,
MJ

Not that it matters all that much, but in my attempt to be delicate I may have mislead you in my discription. Luckily, I have always answered the call at the post, it is just in the last few races, so to speak, I have been selfish of sorts, lost control & finished the race before she did. I did not want to indicate that that was not important becasue I am sensative to that & don't want to be construed as selfish!<p>Perhaps I have in the back of my mind with this weiriness that I am being used as a toy so to speak and that is why I resist the use of her toy by the way -- not that I have any moralisitic hang up about it, but that it is not at all attached to the intended emotional aspect of the event -- ideally at least -- I do have some testotrone left, but am I sounding like a girl here?! I have different perspective on the sensativity and healthiness of sex than I did two years ago -- do't get me wrong I am caught up in this addicition as well, just looking for a way to step off the treadmill!<p>MaryJanes & jdmac1 ,
Good point!! We have a lot of history and aside from her anoying SA issues I find her company enjoyable & these SA din't always seem so intense.
I have gotten used to her secret dress thing for example & I feelI have gotten better at detaching as such & I honestly look at a lot of these thing in an academic manner, but this last go around is a pisser for me!
She called today on a question from her boss & she was friendly as if nothing at all was wrong --of course she was in front of her co-workers and all.
I don't hink that she loves me, but I am not sure she has the capacity to love anyone at this time. I believe She has had a pretty rough childhood, so much verbal & emotional abuse that she does not even comprehend.
I guess I need lots of validation about my own feeling and if I am being fair in my accessment --there does not seem to be any current "acting Out" as in an affair & I may be crazy, but I just don't feel justified for kicking her out because of her dress, although there is obvoiously a lot more to it than that!
Thanks for your insight & frankness -- I am not put off in the least!
Maybe I am too big of a chicken?!
Peace,
HH<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Beat goes on -- brief update--<p>I have frankly felt somewhat weiry & want to try
my best to change focus to love and not lust, but am
not sure best approach. I decided I want to really
back off, but I have not discussed with her (which I
know is not good!). I believe I triggered a classic
response this morning when I was busy getting ready
for work & was not intimate with her like our normal
routine. She said, "you don't really like me at all
anymore, do you?" I of course have good idea what she
was referring to, but did not want to force my agenda
& was hoping I coulod get her to discuss her feelings
or whatever. I asked her what she meant & she just
did not reply -- I let it go, but made a point of
being congenial & I tried to give her a peck on the
cheek in saying goodbye and she just turned her head
the other way and did not say a thing. As I was
downstairs I yelled up, "good bye" and she did not
respond, so I yelled louder & in friendly tone, "See
Ya!" and she finally blurted out a forced,non comittal
"Bye."
Oh well ... no contact at all -- I got home late -- she is at work -- I noticed bothe diamaonds that she wears were here- kind of obvious, one in bathroom, other laying out on a dresser -- old habit during the A's not to always wear wedding ring - May be just coincidental [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
I am going to try and be cool! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
Please offer feedback!
Peace,
HH

HH,<p>Just a thought, could there be something phyically affecting your W? Perhaps a prescription drug? or a non prescribed drug like cocaine? I'm not saying she is, but that is a "side effect". <p>A friend's spouse went through a similar thing & it turned out coke played a big part. <p>At first i didn't post when I read, but this post kept comming to my mind, so I decided to sign on again & post here.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>...she explained in a tone like she would be a fool not to by saying; “My God, the guy is 36!” (remember, she was 48 at the time).
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>AND!?!? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>AS IF... it was SO worth risking both her health AND yours just because the guy was 36... What does 36 have to do with anything, he was still a jerk, it sounds like to me...<p>??? HH,
It just sounds like your wife is desperate to hang onto her youth. Obviously she has reached a sexual peak and in overdrive. And YES! You are a big chicken you--to be unable to JUST SAY NO! Something tells me you like it too... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The thing is, you have more power than you realize. It might be time for an ultimatum regarding counseling. No sex until you agree to attend counseling with me. Ooooo! Does the thought of saying something like that to your DW scare the heck out of you? I knew it would.<p>Anyways, my support goes out to you. Hang in there...<p>During our premarital counseling, we were assigned some reading about sex by Ed Cole and the point was that sex should be an act of mutual giving to where each partner is mainly interested in pleasing the other (not getting off)--giving--otherwise, you might as well be using your partner to masturbate. Interesting, huh? So I agree with you wanting to turn on some love and redirect the efforts into more of a time of mutual giving.

4 x's a day and you think of yourself as a failure??? Please... If anything you are failing at is the ability to JUST SAY NO!<p>Why are you so afraid to just say no? That she will go out there and find someone else? And if that is the case, then what are you holding onto anyway--if there is nothing there to hold onto? Meaning--commitment...<p>Let go of the fear. Fear will cause you to run right smack into the thing. You know you love her, we know you love her, she knows you love her, so you can just say I LOVE YOU, AND, NO!<p>You don't owe it to her to enable her to use you...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong>HH,<p>Just a thought, could there be something phyically affecting your W? Perhaps a prescription drug? or a non prescribed drug like cocaine? I'm not saying she is, but that is a "side effect". <p>A friend's spouse went through a similar thing & it turned out coke played a big part. <p>At first i didn't post when I read, but this post kept comming to my mind, so I decided to sign on again & post here.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>WillGetThruThis
Thanks! Good point -- I rule nothing out.<p>I don't want to seem acusatory and I am not a therapist or a MD and I want to be fair, but I am 110% convinced that she is a Sexoholic -- there I said it -- this usually shocks many people and most know little about it. But I have read a lot
and talked with numerous people and have recieved lots of feedback from ones that are familar with this and the evidence & symptoms are somewhat overwhelming! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
As with any drug, to get the euphoric feelings or the high if you will, to fill that void, it is progressive - as someone said, an army of 20 year olds don't have enough testronone! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] And as with any drug, w/o the "fix" certain withdrawal symptoms appear. And as with any dependency, the perosn doe snot want to quit & they will saty in a state of "denial" for a long time if left unchecked.
BINthere
Thanks again for your prayers & support!<p>I have recieved feedback from a few now that my DW has symptoms that may reflect Sexual Abuse. I am attaching link to emotional needs forum which has taken this direction -- <p> General update: some duplication here, but last couple post are interesting!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=009533<p>Thanks to all for your dedicated interest & support -- you are all the BEST!!
HH [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]