I've been doing plan A since a couple of days after I found out about A (which was only 1 1/2 wks. ago). I know that contact has been broken with OW. I've asked my husband some questions about the affair, right after he told me, but obviously, I was not behaving very rationally. A lot of yelling, etc. I even hit him a couple of times.<p>Here's my question. We've been communicating very well and spending a lot of time together since, and I am convinced for the most part that he told me about A because he really does love me and wants to make our marriage work. I still have some questions I want to ask, and I don't know whether now is really the time or whether it would be a setback to Plan A. Here are the ?'s I want to know:
1) I know they had sex. What about oral sex?
2) In our bed?
3) How long was it before the affair became physical?
4) If she hadn't insisted it was over (I know that's how it happened because he wanted me there for the conversation), would he even be with me? Am I second choice at this point?<p>I don't know why I need to know this stuff. It might make me feel worse, but I doubt it...I've just been making stuff in my head, anyway.<p>Should I ask right now, or wait? If I should ask, how do I bring it up without LBing?

Somebody help me out here...

Not that I am a expert or anything...but I would go ahead and ask. (I am the BS)<p>I did and it seemed to help me. At least I didn't have to wonder anymore. The following days after I asked these questions were the lowest of the lows. It took me several days to process the questions and answers.<p>I would just ask him if he could be open and honest and that you have some difficult questions to ask...but you need to know the answers so that you can move forward and process the pain.<p>Just me two cents. Let me know how it goes.<p>Good Luck!

I asked, and i wish i hadn't, i thought i had an active imagination but i was not that active, i still feel sick. you think that knowing will help, it only makes the picture more colorful if you know what i mean. many prayers as you go where i am today, sara

Most "oldies" counsel "newbies" to think long and hard about the questions that they need to have answered. We caution them not to ask for too many details that may cause images that are very hard to get rid of. <p>It seems to me that your questions are not of that type but general questions that all BSs would want to know. I might not ask that one about oral sex, but the one about defiling our home was definitely one I asked. Doing it in our bed would have been a sign of disrespect that would have signalled an end of the marriage for me. Doesn't have to mean the same thing for everyone, but that is my boundary. I was ape sh*t furious that he had even allowed her into our home on two occassions even if he was just stopping by to feed the dog. That was my sanctuary and her interest in my home was perverse. A woman shows her personality through her home. She didn't want to meet our dog, she wanted to get as close to me as he would let her. She wanted to learn more about her opponent.<p>MJ

Yes, if you need to know then ask. I'm very glad I did. My imagination was often worse. You have every right to know, especially if it was in your house. That's the one that killed me.<p>If he is hesitant, ask him to read both Torn Asunder and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com<p>These will show him that you need to know and he needs to be honest. Good luck