Hello. I am reading the book "Surviving Infidelity." It describes different types of affairs.I don't know what my H is having because he won't talk about it. I think it has been going on about 4 mths. The book discusses exist affairs, which concerns me. My H keeps saying its over and not because of the affair but because of us. I know "aliens" are speaking for him now (thanks WAT) but maybe I just need to accept this is what the affair was- a way out-and let it go. I don't find the book very encouraging. Thoughts?

CS:<p>I notice from your profile that D-day was 11 days AFTER your H left you? What a guy! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, you've come to the right place by posting here. Sounds like you've been doing some reading, too. That's good! <p>It also sounds like your H has sort of "forced" you into separation, by leaving, without giving you the chance to formulate and run a plan A or plan B. Is he still in contact with you? Does he see his kids? If so, you should probably try to do a plan A, work on yourself, and see if that gets his attention (but remember it's for YOU, not to draw him back home). After you've satisfied yourself that you've done what you need for YOU and you've lost nearly all your love for him, you might consider a plan B, recognizing that DV is one of the possible outcomes you need to be ready for. <p>This is hard news, CS. Particularly unfair because H doesn't appear to be giving you any chance to do anything about what you've learned. He just left. But if his A is only 4 months old, it may need more time for him to realize the fantasy nature of the R with OW, and what he's giving up to be with her. <p>Take care of YOU. You didn't deserve this, no matter what was wrong with your M.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Do you think there's a difference when WH says our relationship is/was awful and it's not about her..rather than I love her and she great, etc. He is determined to keep her out of it. <hr></blockquote><p>I'm going to answer your question from my post here... Nope... <p>My H said it was not about OW. He just didn't love me. The affair had nothing to do w/ him wanting to leave. He just didn't want to be married anymore.<p>... in a way, he was right... it wasn't about OW... it was about HIM... the affair was about HIM... not ME and NOT OW... <p>Cali

Thanks for reply. H still hasn't admitted extent of A but only admitted they were friends after I caught him in lies. He told me he wasn't in love with her but I don't believe what he says-either way. I know that they have had overnights, etc. He denies the A to most people. He still sees the kids-every other weekend he has them and watches 2x a week at night and kids sport events we both go. I am trying Plan A from distance but...not encouraged based on his actions/statements.
Take care.

Cali-
Thanks for response. I pray there are some similarities (sP) in our WS's. I am trying to get it together..slowly. This just takes so much energy.
Off to work-Enjoy your night!

They almost always say it's not because of the affair. It's usually an attempt to shift the blame to the BS and off of the WS and OP. My H would never even admit to an A until after we'd been separated, got back together and the OW called me to tattle. Now in some cases the marraige was going to end anyway, and a convenient OP just sped things up. But more often it seems that the marriage suddenly became "almost over" when an OP enters the picture.

Cali:<p>"... in a way, he was right... it wasn't about OW... it was about HIM... the affair was about HIM... not ME and NOT OW... "<p>BINGO!!!<p>That's the point we BSs tend to forget, or we just don't learn early on enough in this process because we feel so inadequate because of their decision to "go elsewhere." The A is a selfish, even spiteful decision on the part of the WS. It's so disconnected from the problems within the M (and thus the BS) that it would be hilarious if it wasn't so darned painful!

can't sleep,
I'm sorry youre having a rough time. I remember the book you mention, and I did not like it much either. <p>My W's affairs did not fit neatly into one of the categories and that was hard for me. Some of the Affair books can actually be "triggering" and cause pain when you've just recently suffered through discovery. <p>I think it will take some time for this to work itself out and I would try not to get too upset over what "type" of A it is. All affairs are about being too weak to deal with things honestly, and many WS's say it's over while still in the fog.<p>Have you read "After the Affair", "The Monogamy Myth", or "Love Must be Tough"? These are good and maybe gentler with your feelings. <p>David

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>My H said it was not about OW. He just didn't love me. The affair had nothing to do w/ him wanting to leave. He just didn't want to be married anymore.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>CS,
To echo Cali, here, No, it ISN"T About ow. If you read my sig line, you notice that our sitch's are similar. My WH just LEFT too - no warning, no heart-to-heart talks. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS OW till a week after he left!!<p>He moved 150 miles away, and moved in w/her. TO THIS DAY, he insists he "just doens't want to be M anymore. Our M has been over for a long time." Will only say that's all it's about. He's never even mentioned HER NAME!!! I only found out about her b/c a week later, I saw a "forwarding mail" notice in his name only, w/HER addy (Thank you, God, for Reverse Lookup).<p>At first, I "fretted" about the Exit Affair title. But, really, DOES IT REALLY MATTER what you call it?? He left. He abandoned his family. He filed for D. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHAT "THEY" CALL IT???? Uh, sorry, got carried away there...<p>The "facts" point more to simple run-of-the-mill A. For one thing, you're a little YOUNG for "Exit Affair." Usually, these happen after many years M (upwards of 20-30 yrs), when the H is afraid that he's passed up too much, and he's entitled to something before his life ends. BTW - that DOES "fit" my WH!!! I'm not worried. For one thing, I know that even Exit Affairs end, too. From what I've read, they take longer than run-of-the-mill A's to end, but END THEY DO!!! Usually, 2 to 3 years, so the Time-frame is just a little longer than your run-of-the-mill A. (Are you getting the impression that I am NOT impressed with WS's infatuation w/their "new loves"?) IT'S AN A!!! CALL IT WHAT IT IS, YOU STUPID WS'S!!! OK, sorry, another little rant there......<p>Secondly, to answer a question you DIDN"T ask....you CAN do Plan A from a distance. I DID! I did Plan A w/my WH for about 10 months. I wrote him letters (only saw him face-to-face twice in all that time, the big chicken), we talked on the phone. YOU HAVE CHILDREN. You can use that time together, or handing off children to "show" him the changes you've instituted in YOU. <p>YOU CAN DO THIS. We are all here to help you. Many people have similar stories, and I took great comfort in that, and in knowing that if OTHERS could do this, I COULD TOO!<p>Good luck to you, we will keep an eye on you. Know you're in good hands! <p>God Bless.

Cant sleep, The book you are reading sounds very similar to one I bought originally. Guess what, I THREW IT AWAY. It was do depressing I couldn't stand it. While some of what it said might have been true, it was not written from a very optimistic view point, nor did it give the BS much support. <p>If that's the book I read (and I'm not for sure it is), GET A DIFFERENT BOOK!! Look around on this board, I'm sure you'll find some good suggestions. <p>For those of you that bought several books, recommend her some. I found much more hope in Dr. Laura's book, 10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess up their Relationships, but it's not about affairs in particular.

Thanks all. I will definitely book shop. I did buy "After the Affair" and I haven't read it yet (along with others). I was/am hung-up on the exit affair title only because it seems to be one that could apply to my H and it is the most final or most difficult to reconcile from. But I'll let it go. H is at annual company mtg tonight (yes, OW is coworker). It is so strange that he won't be coming home to tell me about it. Last year at this time, he couldn't go out afterward because our then 3 yro was having heart surgery the next day. Boy-what changes a year brings.It's sad...thank goodness for your encouragement. Night.

ditto Davidb on nixing the categorization of affairs. IMHO, this is a futile exercise because it offers no assistance to anybody except for those wanting to do autopsies afterwards. The responses of the BSs should be the same no matter what "type" the affair is.<p>Also ditto Lupolady - admitting I dwelled too much early on in agonizing over whether my W was in an exit affair. One way to look at it from the WS's standpoint - they ALL are exit affairs - excuses to go elsewhere.

True. OK! I'll let go of the label. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I tend to think about everything too much-in every detail.
Bye.

I know how confusing it is. When my H first left (this was 6 years ago), he claimed it was NOT me or us, it was him and work issues. Turns out he was having an affair with my (former) best friend. They lied about it, said it was ea only. I just found out the truth 9 mos ago and it's been pure ****. She never did admit the truth and our friendship was destroyed. She tried to blame ME for what happened!<p>Now we know he was depressed then, and has been most of his life. He's on medication and is doing much better. He had another 'episode' 2 years ago where he wanted to move out, etc. I finally convinced the counselor that depression runs in his family and needed to be looked into. Thank God she listened. He's a different person now.<p>We are supposed to finish counseling tomorrow over the PA thing. I don't feel we're ready and I've been really down. Pregnant so I can't take medication which helped me before. It's definitely been a long, hard road. I'm glad we worked to save our marriage but some days I just hate them both.<p>I can truly relate to your confusion and frustration. Good luck

maggierose:<p>Doesn't sound like you're ready to stop Cing re the PA at all, to me. Don't let it stop, if you feel you need it!

Lupolady;<p>you said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I only found out about her b/c a week later, I saw a "forwarding mail" notice in his name only, w/HER addy (Thank you, God, for Reverse Lookup).<p> <hr></blockquote><p>I'm curious about this, where did you find this? What reverse lookup?

Totally did not like this book. A very narrow view of the subject, not nearly enough thought or research put into it to cover the bare minimum of variety of circumstances, and very little "depth" to the thoughts about them and solutions.<p>Went right back on half.com after I finished it!

Hi- I too read the book you are reading and freaked about my H being in an exit affair. I figured my H was in one because he said our marriage was 'over in his head' before his EA turned PA. He also didnt end it after d-day much to my despair. It seemed like he was blaming me for ALL our marriage difficulties yet he said he 'wasnt angry' with me. Anyway, I read a book by Emily Brown called 'Affairs' and she described a type of A she calls a split-self A that described my H - it often resembles an exit affair but it isn't. I gained alot of insight into what was going on inside him after reading her book.I am glad I read it before my H filed for D on me because I still had some hope and now one year later we are re-building. I know our library had it, or you could get a slightly used copy off of Ebay or Amazon. Check it out! lifeismessy

Could you briefly describe the affair that you talking about?
Thanks.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong><p>I'm curious about this, where did you find this? What reverse lookup?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Anywho.com<p>Go into their website, there is a "Tab" at the top of the page, to switch to Reverse Lookup option. Then, if you only know a phone no. to type, complete with area code, it will tell you WHOSE phone # it is. Unless the person is Unlisted, OR if it a cell phone.