Over a month ago I found out that W is having an affair with a MM (10 years older). We have two boys a toddler and a baby (mine). She does not want to give him up. She initially tried to make us work, but now has quit. <p>I have been trying Plan A unsuccessfully because I keep finding out that she is lying about seeing OM. It worked great for about two weeks and we both began to have feelings for each other. Until I found out that she was still seeing and talking to OM. <p>I have been very understanding. I have not said a single unkind word to her. She says I am crazy and should have left in the beginning. She does not think we can work and she says she has no feelings for me. My life is a mess. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get any work done and I have dropped 10 pounds. I have been telling her I am on a diet, but I do not have a desire to eat.<p>I have been spying on her by keeping track of car mileage, looking at incoming and outgoing calls on her cell, and anything else I can think of. She has just figured out all my tactics because I keep using them to catch her in lies. I guess I am not too good at this Plan A thing. She is now mad, confused, numb, and would like to kick me out.<p>I feel that I am to blame about this whole mess because I stopped giving her emotional needs after our first son. Our son always had ear infections and I poured my heart and soul into him at a high cost. She was not getting her emotional needs filled by me, so she ended up having her emotional needs fulfilled by a MM.<p>I want us to work because I feel she is a wonderful woman. She completes who I am as a person and has made me a much better man. I would not be as successful or fulfilled in live if it was not for her. I guess this is how I got into this mess because I became too happy and complacent. She is very attractive, very smart, fun, and energetic. I need her and I love her with all my heart. We were great together.<p>Write now I think she may be manipulating me to buy her some time until OM is divorced. She has very strong and intense feelings for him.<p>I do not know how much longer I can take this pain. I want all the pain to go away. There is nothing worse than loving someone and getting no love in return. Because I am a giver, I have givin my heart and soul to my wife and family and I have lost my identity. I do not know who I am. I need help from anyone who can give it. I do not know how anyone can deal with this any more than a few months. Please help!<p>I guess I will continue Plan A and I will no longer bring up OM or try to spy. I may be able to stand that another month or so.<p>Thanks for all of your ears.

Hi there I just popped in to say hi & that I am thinking of you. It must be very hard for you at the moment, my thoughts are that you should keep working on yourself find something that interests you & plan A ya little heart out.
Like me you are a giving person & by doing that we forget about ourselves & also like me you are blaming yourself. You do have the benefit (if you can call it that) that your wife is still living with you mine is due to leave any day. <p>My situation is such that my H doesnt love me he is moving on I have no deffinate proof that he's having an affair but the way he's acting sure points that way but he is of course denying it, just wants to be on his own because he is not happy & by being on his own he thinks that will fix all his problems. I have tried to plan A you do realsise that plan A is really all about you? improving yourself so that she can see what she will be missing & you will feel better about yourself. Unfortunatley I misread plan A when I first got going & was running around so much after H which of course he thought was great but I ended up feeling like a doormat & so the LB began in earnest & now we are at the stage of dividing our assets using lawyers the only way we seem to be able to communicate nowadays is by email & I have to move from my home (it is sold) in about 10 days so will be starting plan B I feel that the reason it has come to this is because i panicked, didn't know what to do or which way to turn & I misread the tools on here.<p>I think my H is a wonderful guy too but because he seems to be in this world of his own I have to get on with making myself a better person.
I think if you are snooping around it is a big LB if she finds out, does she email this guy? can you use a computer because there are programs you can install to track these things & that way she wouldn't know BUT you know she is having an affair & I think that if you plan A it's all you can keep doing until she comes out of the fog. You cannot reason with people when they are in this state they will lie until they are blue in the face. It's very sad & I'm sorry that we are all here.
The sun is shining here in NZ but I feel like s**t today lots of our stuff is being sold at an auction & people keep saying to me will you be at the sale?? well I just can't go I'm afraid it would crack me up big time seeing all my stuff sold to strangers. It's hard not to blame yourself but don't, you have the tools on here to try your best keep on going as long as you can. Take care I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted.

Hi, <p>Your W is not appreciative of your plan A. Have you discussed this with a counselor or talked with Jennifer or Steve here at MB? You might see what suggestions they can offer. <p>As for her 'kicking' you out, she needs to be put out. Then let's see how great the OM is. Don't allow her to manipulate you until it is right for her. If she is going to abandon her family and you need to keep your family, then let her do so but on your timeframe not her's. <p>I think you need to get good professional support for this. Other MB dad's out there can help. If you can get ahold of the book, love must be tough by James Dobson. You will see how NOT to let your W manipulate you and your family. <p>Take Care,
L.

Dreamland;<p>As you can see from my registration date, I'm pretty new here, but a very short time ago, I was in a very similar position, different circumstances, similar feelings.<p>Today, just a short time later, after a lot of hard work on me, rebuilding my identity, strength, image, and learning about the dynamics of Affairs, I am coping quite well, and although I am not out of the woods yet, I have hope.<p>My point is that there IS hope, you WILL feel better, and life CAN be good again.<p>Get some counseling, get anti-depressants if you need them, and then read. Read and learn; as you begin to see that others have been in the same place as you, and that what you're feeling is not so unusual, you will begin to feel better.<p>Read Harley's Surviving an Affair, Weiner-Davis' Divorce Remedy, and many others you'll find at this link below:<p>MB Board Books Link<p>Work on YOU. Back off from your spouse, don't spy, don't plead or beg, don't fight her feelings. The time for that will come.<p>Tell her that you do not believe in separation, that you want to work on the marriage, and if she believes that separation is what she wants, then SHE can leave. Very likely that will be the end of that conversation. Set boundaries beyond which you will not allow yourself to be disrespected.<p>This IS NOT your fault. You probably contributed to the environment, but it was your spouse who CHOSE to get involved with someone else. You are the better man.<p>In all likelihood, the MM will not divorce to take off with your W. It happens, but rarely, and it won't happen fast if it does at all. That will give you time to work on yourself, and give your M a chance.<p>Hang in there, Plan A your rear-end off, post often and educate yourself about these things; it'll get better.

Dreamland,<p>I know where you are right now. I feel the same way. We&#8217;re in pain, yet the women we love so much are in a mindset that prevents them from understanding the pain or trying hard to alleviate our pain.<p>I try to lessen the pain through Plan A. I try real hard to be the best me I can be. I try real hard to be the best father I can be. Sure, we need our WW&#8217;s love. In its absence, I focus on the love I get from my children, parents and sibling (I&#8217;m also religious, so I have His love, too).<p>I agree with Orchid, I think you would benefit from counseling. An IC can provide some practical guidance in this confusing, painful time. I would also continue with Plan A. She&#8217;s confused right now, and when the &#8220;fog&#8221; lifts, it would be great if she sees her Plan A husband ready to work on making a great marriage.<p>Giles

Hi DreamLand,<p>I'm so terribly sorry for what's happening. You do not deserve this treatment, there is no excuse for having an A, NONE!<p>Mainly I wanted to tell you that if anyone should leave, it needs to be your WIFE. She is the one who has gone outside the marriage so she is the one who should leave ... NOT YOU. This is a boundary ... and altho it may be perceived as an LB to your wife, it's not. <p>You seem to be doing good but perhaps your Plan A could use some honeing. No more talk of OM, not even his name ... and try and not snoop anymore than necessary and only for confirmation of the A still continuing. Snooping can become an addiction in of itself, believe me!<p>We all know how hard this is. It's THE single most hurtful thing one spouse can do to another. It feels devistating and I'm so sorry.<p>Please take care of yourself. <p>God Bless,
Jo

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Dreamland,<p>Please click on the link I've provided which will take you to WAT's BS's Quick Start Guidelines. Worthatry (WAT) is a very well respected veteran MB member and his guidelines are invaluable to BS's.<p>Click on Me<p>I hope you're doing better. Please take good care of yourself.<p>Love,
Jo

Thanks everyone for your input. I think I will try to better myself and do Plan A with no mention of OM. <p>I have purchased some tickets for a concert mid-month and I am continuing to plan nights out alone together as though nothing has happened. <p>I will try to find myself again and maybe start fishing again (one of my hobbies she eventually was able to squash). I have sold my fishing boat as a demonstration of how much I care about us (boy does that hurt too, last piece of me gone). This will allow me to work less and spend more time with WW.<p>I have decided to stop drinking so much, probably none at all now. She thinks one drink a day is too much, and she has always nagged me about this. I probably should have been more sensitive about this because her father was an abusive alcoholic.<p>I also am going to use this great forum more often. Maybe I may learn something about this whole thing and share my knowledge with others.<p>Thanks to all replies.

I second the good advice. See a counselor - preferably christian, see Dr. for depression - the meds make this much easier to handle. I have been going through this for about 10 months so you can do it too.<p>Other advice
Spend the time on your kids. They will appreciate it and your W will wonder why you no longer pursue her. (this is a good thing). The problem is when we find out about all of the crap we become so hurt that we become unlovable. Get stronger, dont pursue or beg, concentrate on you and your kids. You need to be realistic here. You will have lows like you never felt before then you will be so so a while then another real low. I have been through the cycle about 10 times. It seems hopeless but it isnt. You will get stronger but you must let go of you WW first. I know it sounds impossible, I felt the same way. I also felt the same way about my WW. But the fact is what you are so in love with is who your W used to be not who she is. She looks the same but she is not inside.<p>Get your bible out and pray and you may want to start to figure out who the best attorney in town is and go talk to them. Just a word from someone that is there/has been there.<p>God Bless<p>John