I am new to this forum, my first posting. I am a married man of 24 yrs, have 3 grown children. Last year I started a long distance affair with a woman that was also married
w/ children. It started on the "net" evolving eventually into hotel stays etc...
Last year my wife found out and we started marriage counseling. I wasn't sincere, figured it was just something I had to do. was basically wasting her time and trust. This continued until winter when she found out I was seeing her all along. She wanted me out of the house and I moved out for a week, before she took me back. We decided to try again, and initially I broke it off but didn't waste any time getting back together again with the OW. Wife thought everything was getting better, but again, a lie..
Wife found out just recently that I had been sleeping with the OW, and she has made it clear there will be no more chances. I don't blame her.
I have had a history of depression and anxiety, but am not blaming them on the immoral behavior.
However this last year has taken a physical toll on both of us due to the stress. The woman I had the affair with was very sexual, and for me seems to be a weak point in my character. Almost seems like some type of addiction. What started out as fun as games is anything but now. I am thinking that this is beyond the scope of marriage couseling, and have an appt to see a therapist for individual counseling for the addictive behavior and constant lying. At my very lowest point I thought about "ending it all", but got on antidepressants that got me through the crisis. I know what the majority of you must think of me, but I need honest feedback on how to help myself and my wife through all this. Any resources/ advice would be appreciated...<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: mojoman ]</p>

Hi mojoman,<p>Resources? A good start is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Check out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html<p>Anyhow, sounds like there's no time to waste... if you're serious about giving your marriage the chance it deserves, it's time to get busy.<p>Educate yourself. Reading this message board, you will find a lot of perspective from the BS point of view. I suggest you take it all in... you need to grow your sense of empathy about 1,000,000-fold, most likely - not to make any disrespectful judgments [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Honestly, others have overcome great hurdles. You're going to have to learn about Plan A and do it well at this point. Yes, even a WS can use Plan A to draw back their BS who may be at a point where they're ready to give up. But know this... you should be seriously committed to this process... it can save your life.

J.R. gave you good advice. Also read all of the material on this web site.<p>You will find from reading on this web site and the books that your behavior, the addictive relationship and they lying are rather normal behaviors for WS (wayward spouses). When the BS asks them why they had the affair the normal pat answer is "I don't know." It takes a lot of time, a lot of soul searching to find out the root of the affair. One of the problems that most WS face, if they are attached to the OP (other person), is a painful withdrawal. It seems that you never got beyond that withdrawal period. Dr. Harley often suggests that the WS take antidepressants to get beyond that withdrawal period.<p>I just searched on amazon.com for “relationship addiction” and got a list of 42 books on the subject. You may want to browse through those and find one that gets your attention. Obviously this affair was not good for you, so there must be some explanation for this destructive behavior. It might help you understand where you have been.
When you read the MB material you will find that many say that unmet emotional needs often lead a person to seek out an affair. It is usually also true that both spouses have unmet emotional needs. Both of the spouses share 50% in the state of the marriage at the time the affair started. However, when the WS chooses to go outside of the marriage to have their needs met, he/she alone has responsibility for that. So in finding out what has led to the affair, look deeper then unmet needs. Find the trigger that allowed you to make the choice to have the affair. <p>My H and I did this together. It was part of our healing process. We talked about his affairs until we had that question answered. I felt that I could never trust him again until we had the answer to that question. Now we both know what his weakness is and we both work to protect our relationship from it.<p>I also suggest that you do a lot of reading of the posts here. You may need a deeper understanding of the emotional devastation your affair has had on your wife. I cannot understand how a person can do to their spouse what you have done to your wife. It is beyond my comprehension. But I have seen marriages; mine included repair and go on to be better and stronger after affairs.<p>When I found out about my H’s affairs I had no intention of staying with him. I was just trying to get things in order to kick him out of here. <p>While I was busy doing that he was busy plan A’ing me and wooed me back. His take was that he caused the damage to our marriage, so it was his responsibility to repair it. He shouldered that responsibility.. it is the only reason we are still together. Your wife is going to need you to help her recover and heal.

There's no point in even approaching your W until you end contact with the OW FOR LIFE. Every time you have contact, you are feeding the addiction and prolonging your withdrawal, as you should know very well by now.<p>I'm assuming you want your M. If that is the case, the ONLY chance you have to recover your M is to end all contact with the OW FOR LIFE. If I was your W, I wouldn't even listen to you until that was the case and you had achieved at least 1 month of withdrawal from the OW with NO CONTACT during that time.<p>You probably do need therapy and maybe Sex Addicts Anonymous if you think that is an issue. If your W is wise, she will only "listen" to actions from here on in. Make that your language of choice right now if you want to have ANY chance of marital recovery.<p>Definitely read SAA and everything on this website, starting with the Q&A link at the top of this page. Follow that link to the series of columns called "How to Survive Infidelity".<p>And I beg you, if you have any thoughts of further duplicity, leave your W alone and don't drag her into your pathology again until you're ready and able to be sincere. You owe her at least that much, don't you think?

I give your credit for your honesty. I hope you can make things work with your wife. BUT ALL CONTACT WITH OM MUST STOP NOW. You are right, affairs are an addiction. They alter your brain chemistry so you need to continue to keep that 'high.' Eventually reality sets in and you can see the relationship for what it is, betrayal, dishonesty and deceit. NOT a good basis for any type of long lasting commitment.<p>My H had an affair 6 years ago with my former best friend. They said it was EA only, just found out last summer they lied. It was sexual, including in MY bed which breaks my heart. This is what has helped us:<p>-counseling-LOTS
-reading. I especially like Torn Asunder and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com (reading these will help you to see what pain your wife is going through due to your lying)
-prayer
-forming a network of supportive friends
-TIME (this is hard, but very necessary)<p>We were also separated for 9 mos as I couldn't stand to see him moping around about her. She was also our neighbor, his employee and married to HIS best friend. Very ugly.<p>I wish you luck. If you are serious about this, give up the OW. Otherwise, you're just playing games.