The good news: I did sleep. The bad news: I had a dream that h has no intentions of ever returning to m. I was thinking before I went to bed about the 7 wks since he moved out and he has done nothing to indiciate an interest in returning or working on the marriage except to say he isn't interested. He rented a house w/o telling me, got furniture w/o telling me (ie. bed), and is so pleasant when he picks up the kids - it's like he so relieved and over our relationship. Maybe he's been planning to leave for a long time. He told my mom that he had. In the sep. agreement that he signed, he can't have any overnight, opposite sex guests when the kids are there for two years from the date of sep-so every other weekend OW is on her own. My head screams for me to stop hoping, accept its over, and quit looking for signs he is interested in working on things. He said he was when he first left but decided after numerous confrontations that he wasn't. I haven't called him etc. for five days. It's killing me. Meanwhile, I go on.
Thanks for listening.

CS - your feelings of discouragement are very normal - along with all the other feelings you have. Try to find some comfort in knowing YOU ARE NORMAL!<p>Since I took the time to type it for a reply to Pepperband's recent post, let me paste here for you an excerpt from Frank Pittman's "Private Lies":<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Keeping Sane Amid The Romance<p>My family and I took a bobsled ride down an Olympic bobsled course. It was exhilarating, terribly exciting, utterly inexorable, and very uncomfortable, though we didn't notice how uncomfortable it was until it was over. While we were in the sled, racing eighty miles an hour out of control on the ice, being slammed from one icy wall to the other, we only felt the excitement. The whole thing lasts less than a minute. <p>Romance is more dangerous. It too is totally compelling and almost completely impervious to outside influence. But romance can last for weeks or even months, and can interfere with one's real life.<p>I urge people who are in-love to slow down and enjoy it, and not to take it seriously. But they can't do that any more effectively than a bobsled could. The in-love are out of control, out of their minds, and out of reality. So it is the other people in the lives of the in-love who must keep their heads.<p>The bettrayed partner has the difficult job. Cuckold spouses of people caught up in the throes of romance feel that their marriage is threatened, their dreams shattered, their security gone, but even more awful is the insult. Suddenly, their partner in a love that was once this special too has declared them to no longer exist. There can be few greater insults than that. But in addition, their mate has come to life in another relationship, displaying a capacity for happiness and joy that has not been readily apparent up until now. The insult and rejection seem total.<p>It is very difficult to recognize that this craziness and disorientation should not be taken
personally. The person who has been betrayed may not even realize that the infidel is likely to return home. It is difficult to survive such a degrading and depersonalizing situation, yet there are advantages to holding on. Nothing the betrayed spouse can do will affect the romance, but the romance is time limited, and will most likely fall apart. The aggrieved partner might want to be there when that happens.<p>I advise spouses who are waiting for their mate's romance to end: don't try to out-romance a romantic. Don't bother to arouse jealously. Don't try to get your partner's attention, increase your partner's guilt, or threaten some sort of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time.<hr></blockquote><p>So, IMHO, the bottom line for BSs: Apply my Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses; Plan A, Plan B. Work on yourself and don't LB. <p>The "romance" will do the rest.

I am trying and I am trying to take care of myself. I believe that I can be happy by myself and later with someone else, that my children will make it through this, that God is strong. The only thing I am completely stuck and depressed about (besides H)is that I need to get a fulltime job and start a career. I had been postponing it until youngest was in K. It seems so overwhelming right now but I can't continue at the p/t one I am doing now. But I will just do it!
Thanks for encouragement.

Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time. <p>AMEN!<p>I so know your despair can't sleep . I spent all last summer posting these kinds of posts.<p>HUGS!<p>Cali

I can't do this. Holding out hope is worse than trying to work toward acceptance. I talked to H this afternoon (about kids, etc). I know that he went out with work people til late last night and stayed with OW. He didn't tell me any of this. He didn't answer kids calls this morning, which is a first. Calls were NOT suggested by me. At the end of our conver. this afternoon I asked if he still felt good about his decision to end marriage and not work on it. He said yes. I said, "No second thoughts" and he said, "Of course there are but...it's the right decision." I said that's Ok and changed subject and got off phone. I admire all of you for your ability to hold on and work towards reconcilation but this isn't something I can do. I can improve myself and figure how to support myself but I can't do the rest..stay pleasant, no questions, etc. I hate him for what he's doing to me and our family and the way he feels like a good person when he helps with the kids now. P/t dad is not cutting it in my eyes. Nothing bothers him. I am not presenting the best me to him because he is oblivous to anything and I feel like a heel for trying. OK, I'm done venting.
Bye.

I can improve myself and figure how to support myself but I can't do the rest..stay pleasant, no questions, etc. I hate him for what he's doing to me and our family and the way he feels like a good person when he helps with the kids now. <p>Why can't you do the rest? Go ahead and HATE him... I HATED my H's actions! And I glossed over it in my story, but I had HUGE LB sessions... & to make things worse... I KNEW OW. So I emailed her and called her... told her to leave my H alone and deal w/ her own.<p>I was by no way perfect!! But, I had to do the learning... I know you are doing some reading. The 'affair' books w/ drive you crazy... make you sad... Check out Michele Weiner-Davis's books... especially "Divorce Remedy." ( www.divorcebusting.com ).<p>btw... DON'T ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!! My H would have given me the SAME answers... I would ask a question... he would give a 'hurtful' answer... finally last month he said to me... "Why do you ask those questions? When you're pushing at me, I only say what will hurt you or what I think will shut you up."<p>Your H doesn't want to give you hope... he doesn't want to lead you on... he could be thinking he's making the BIGGEST mistake in the world... but he's not in the frame of mind to tell yous so.<p>So... do what he asks... move on... read... learn... create a life that doesn't include him... I GUARANTEE, he will notice.<p>Cali

Can't sleep,<p>Listen to Cali and the others. They've been precisely where you are now, Hon.<p>This is a terrible thing to go thru, and having someone that was there ahead of you helping you get thru it is a God send. So many times I wished I would have followed all the MB member's advice that was offered me. <p>Cali,<p>It's wonderful you're here, helping others the way you do. Bless you!<p>Jo

Hi,
You are going through the grieving process. Everything you are feeling is normal, and it makes sense that you are very angry. He is able to walk away free, and you are left with the responsibilities of real life, kids, bills, etc.. When a woman does what he has done she is immediately labeled and is a bad mother for abandoning her children, when the guy does it, the wife picks up the pieces and goes on. He may also get a reputation, but it does not carry the same type of aura with it. I do not mean to guy-bash, this is just what I have observed. There are plenty of great single dads out there and I am not trying to disrespect them here. But anyway, you are left to be the responsible one and have to keep it all together and as normal as possible for the kids while he gets to be the fun-time dad. You will be the one taking care of the children when they are sick, and of yourself. It is tragic, no you did not sign up for this, and you have every right to be angry. You may not be to that stage yet. The whole process of grieving a marriage is long and painful, but you will get through it. You will feel good about your accomplishments, and one day you will wake up and feel good even when everything around you is sh--.
Maybe try some Antidepressants for a while to help you cope with the tremendous changes, and counseling. Come here and vent, get angry, and don't bottle it up. Fine effective ways of getting the anger out, run, walk, dance to really loud music, drive the car alone and scream at the top of your lungs. Find something you love to do and do it. You do not have to answer to anyone but you. Get a journal, and pray. Church is good. Whatever he is doing will pass, and you will get through this.

Thanks. All I can at this minute is cry..which is good. I have a hard time crying. I'll post later. Thank you.

Nothing seems to be happening. WS seems comfortable not talking to me or when we exchange kids saying hello..it's a nice day out. He is so distant. Never has he iniated (SP) a discussion with me about our relationship since he left. I am afraid he is so emotionally detached from me already..and has been before he left..that's there's nothing to build on. He has not made his affair public yet. (to majority of friends and no family) Why?
Comments?