Well I posted over under Plan A/Plan B but was encouraged to come here. <p>Here's my post under that forum to explain my situation.<p>introduction<p>We talked yesterday by internet. I sent him a link to the Plan A/ Plan B explaination. He read it. We discussed it. He thought at first I wanted him to quit his job or leave. I guess that is something for down the road. <p>See, since the OW works with him. They pass in the halls and say hi to each other, and sometimes during 'smoke breaks' even talk. I am not doing well with this. I hate him going to work. I hate that he "needs" to stay late all the time to do projects that are required by days end. I am sick of the guilt... jealousy and suspicion. I asked him the other night SPECIFICALLY when he told her it was OVER. He said he didn't know. He told me that when I found out about it, it basically was over. Well the PA part of it. The EA part is what I am concerned with. I found emails to her from 1 month after I found out where he was forwarding emails to her for her hobby. He was calling her hun and ended it with Love, Me~ Bleh! That to me... knowing him, it wasn't OVER. <p>He refuses at this point to leave his work or find another job. I have asked and not demanded it, but pointed out I cannot be ok with this situation. His only reply is, for now I need to stay here.... and NO it is NOT because of her. He is scheduled for a promotion next year, and he loves this job. I don't want him to have to quit, but how can our marriage repair under these circumstances? She was offered another job and wouldn't leave. I think she is the work 'slut' and has too many interests to keep up with to want to leave.<p>So I have a real dilemna. He seems sincere in wanting to work on the marriage. He empahtically states the A is DEAD. I believe him and I don't. I mean I have to constantly ask if he has seen her, and he gets mad about it. Not like MAD but like frustrated I ask. And he never divulges more info other then they 'saw' eachother. I feel like I am butting my head up against a brick wall. How can I trust him if he cannot be honest?<p>How can an A be over if they are still talking and in some levels HIDING the contact?<p>Is it possible to end an A without ending contact with the OW for the sake of a JOB?!<p>Well, from our discussion yesterday we negotiated. I asked him, that if the affair was truly over he should write a letter of NO CONTACT to her, expressing his disinterest in seeing her and being around her, and asking for her to respect that. I asked him to email it to me first to make sure it is ok, and then when he emails it to her to bcc: me. My other point was... if he could do that for me, and remain upfront and honest about ANY further contact with her I would persist in tolerating the job situation for the time being and feel better about trying to trust him.<p>He has a problem with being open and honest. Funny, it didn't start that way. <p>Anyways... What I really need to know is.... Did I do the right thing? Is it going to be VITAL to the success of our marrige recovery that the OW be GONE permanently?! I have no clue what to do here. But something is holding him back from being the way he used to be, and if he is claiming the marriage seems like a 90% out of 100% then why do I get such little affection and stuff back?<p>Sorry if this is so long... I am severly frustrated by this ongoing situation with the OW and his job, and I am losing the love I have for him ... and at this point I am trying to save that at all costs for our family and to hopefully let us get past this finally.<p>Going to talk to a friend tonight about marriage counseling. Hopefully that will work out.<p>J~

bumping cause I would really appreciate imput...

Hi, <p>It is good to see you over here. Please bear with us. Lots of new ones here. It is sometimes hard to keep up. <p>Now to your questions. Are your requests fair? Yes. To you. Maybe not to him. Now when he balks. Calmly ask why? When he hesitates, back off and say something to the effect that you can see that helping you feel safe may not be a real priority for him. Then drop it. <p>Have U found an MC yet? <p>L.

Thanks Orchid...<p>as always. I have decided to improve PLAN A. Work harder, if that is even possible. Remove any and all attempts to LB (which I am doing very well at and have since discorvery day), and further I have just decided... he knows what I want him to do. He acts most of the time like the dote-ing husband, but I feel and I might be wrong that the FOG creeps in from time to time. KWIM? He still sees her, and something is still making their contact that I KNOW happens something he will not discuss with me. This secrecy must have a reason. I know I cannot stop the contact even if I begged and pleaded. He will have to want to do it completely on his own for A) It is over completely and he no longer desires that R and B) He no longer wishes to hurt me from it<p>I would prefer B... but I know BOTH are essential.<p>I handed him the EN-Q and he didn't fill it out. He hasn't started the NO CONTACT letter. Maybe he is all talk and no action? Cake eater? God please prove me wrong... I hate to think it is all a lie cause sometimes things are really good until I get into suffercating in hell mode. I have sceduled a MC appt that I will go to regardless of if he does also. That is for May 21st. And I have begun a journal. <p>I came here for support. And I found you. Thank you! My emotional state is horrid right now. I am seeing my dr for a bladder infection today and I am going to see if she will prescribe a anti-depressant that will be ok with breastfeeding my 2 mos old. I am sick of suicidal thoughts, I am sick of hormonal overload from PPD, and I cannot handle my 6 kids and all the junk that is falling apart in my life.<p>Ok, I'm sorry this is not "feel sorry for me" I am going to make my own self puke cause I don't want sympathy. I just am seriously looking for answers cause I KNOW my Love BANK is in the RED or darn near. I love him, but it is going away fast... and I am trying in desperation to HOLD on.<p>So for my rambling.... BUT {{{{Orchid}}}} for being 'there'. My many thanks.<p>J~

Hello, Hokeewife,<p>While I'm not in recovery yet, I did want to add a little bit to what Orchid said. SHE IS THE BEST, so you are in good hands, fer sHURE!!!<p>But, keep in mind that the ideal would be if he would leave his job. However, I DO know (personally know) a WH who has kept his job, does see the OW at work, and has no desire to ever get involved with her again! Is this the ideal sitaution? No, but you have to take whatever you can get. The most important thing right now is that you don't get into a habit of LB'ing over this. That could drive him right back into her arms.<p>At this point in time, I would "allow" your H to demonstrate he is serious about cutting it off w/ow. Time will tell. YOU will know. His actions will belie him. Watch, listen, look, pray. You will know.<p>Recovery goes MUCH faster when there is totally NO contact, BUT, if he truly has broken free of his addiction from her, it IS possible to do this. <p>I say this cautiously, since I KNOW MB does not believe in doing this. If I didn't know a WS who is doing it, I would never believe in doing it this way, either! Hang in there, you're doing fine. You will be OK.<p>May God Bless,

Hi J,<p>I am glad you responded and will be visiting an MC soon. 6 children?!?!? Ok you are NOT a new mom!! Neither is your H a new dad. <p>Ok, where is he in helping take care of the family? How old are the children? <p>Maybe if we get a better idea, we can lend a suggestion hand. Sorry I can't do more. Baby sit maybe but with my crazy schedule, your kids would have to do work like mine does when he comes with me on the weekends. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am also glad you are going to see your OB/GYN for meds. Regarding the bladder infections, I can really relate. You know what helped me was boiling fresh corn, letting the family eat their 'ears' out (little pun) and then U can add some salt and bottle the liquid (it will store good in the fridge for about 3 days). Drink at least 16 ounces per day. Something about the corn water acts like penicillian (SP???). I heard it from one of the girls from work ......her grandmother's recipe....works better than drugs!!!<p>Well if you are able to stay in plan A for now, no one should be pushing you otherwise. U have a lot on your plate right now. Let's see how it goes for U for now. Remember, we are here if you need to talk or post. <p>Take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid and Lupolady.<p>I got Zoloft from my dr yesterday. WH is glad. We sat down and talked. It was nice cause often he avoids discussing things. I invoked The JOINT POLICY of AGREEMENT.... and he seemed happy about it. But I told him... 2 way street babe. I give up something cause you do not agree 100% or are not happy enough about it then next time I feel that way you will and SHOULD do the same. It is about respect right?<p>I asked him to go with me to MC and he said WHY? DUH ... cause we need to. He seems to think this web site is helping a lot and maybe we shouldn't go. LOL Wake up! Our marriage needs plenty more help. But I think he will go.<p>I am having another day from hell.... too bad zoloft doesn't start working right with the 1st dose. I could really use something to take the edge off my day.<p>{{{hug}}}
J~<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: hokeewife ]</p>