can't put your finger on anything and can't prove a darn thing?<p>My gut has been telling me for a long time that something is going on with my husband.<p>I've been married to this man for 11 years and I know him and I also know something just isn't right.<p>How do you make (or get someone) to tell something they don't want to tell or admit to?<p>How can one possibly just know what's going on without being privy to the information?<p>Again, my gut instinct is telling me he is messing around but I have nothing to prove it.....only little inconsistencies that can be explained away with a thousand different plausible excuses.<p>I know a cheater's mentality...I've been one. I also know my husband is doing something. I've been there and done that as well. What next?<p>Of course we go through the "I'm being a paranoid basket-case" bit whenever I ask him about it.<p>The signs are all there. Now what?????????<p>selket

Well, you can't hold a gun to his head and make him fess up so you have to independently find out if something is going on. And there are several ways. You can check his computer, cell phone bill, tap your phone, etc. I caught my H in an internet EA that would have gone PA if I had not caught it and confronted him at the point that I did. <p>I have learned from my experiences with my WS to NEVER EVER discount gut feelings again. I used to think gut instincts and feelings were silly superstitions. If I had only heeded my gut instincts and validated them [or discounted them] with FACTS and EVIDENCE then I wouldn't have entered into this marriage so blindly. I will never ignore gut feelings again. I cannot rationally explain them [which drives me bananas!] but never again will I ignore them!

hello selket. my new name is rayoflight old name was hopenden. <p>trust your gut. i felt for awhile now that my ww was talking to om. she denied everytime i asked her. i setup a recorder on monday and there it was. i have a conversation recorded of her talking to him. i know now i don't have to resort to those measures. if i feel it, its more than likely its happening. <p>sorry you are having to deal with this. i am now going to work on myself harder than ever. either she will notice my changes and stay or continue with her plan to move out. <p>hopenden

1. Focus on your half of the relationship.
2. No lovebusters.
3. Make as many DEPOSITS as possible into his lovebank.
4. TAKE EXTRA GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.
5. Pray.<p>
I think back to last year and what I have learned. What would I do differently? Well. I was doing NONE of the above... So now, I would check through my list and figure out which things I needed to work on... and do those...<p>The thing to remember is that if he is cheating. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about him. And, as long as you KNOW you are doing all you can do to the BEST of your ability... then you can rest assured THAT it IS ABOUT HIM... <p>Hugs,
Cali

So sorry you are going thru this. I also will never NOT trust my gut feelings. I just started snooping one night and he had stuff in his car, so I found it-maybe divine intervention helped on that one? cause he never has things in his car. Also if he has e-mail and you know his address it's not too hard to find out a password in yahoo or hotmail, so you might want to do that. That's how I found out the first time around. But, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't unfortunately. DBD

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by selket:
<strong><p>How do you make (or get someone) to tell something they don't want to tell or admit to?<p>selket</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You can't. My H would have denied it to his dying day unless the OW had called and played tattle tale. He knew at that point his goose was cooked since I'd been questioning him about her for 6 months ("We were just friends, I haven't even spoken to her in months...") Meanwhile he was LIVING with her while we were separated. You have to do independent research which I chose not to do. I instead decided to throw myself into Plan A, and it worked. He ended the A on his own.

On our 24th anniversary, I recieved a card from him that was so unlike him..just said Have a Happy Anniversary..I KNEW!!! It took the next couple of days of hacking his computer, checking out the cell phone bill to verify what I KNEW. I got him to confess by telling him that he talked in his sleep and said some things about her. <p>I wouldn't suggest this approach to everyone but it was the only way I could think of to get him to talk without his knowing that I cracked his passwords. He had been denying for months.

So just how do you find out a yahoo password?? every time i have treid it says its going to send me a new password so he would know if i'd done that??

Sel, what's going on? ... What do you see him doing that is different or unusual?<p>Pepper

Thanks everyone.<p>Okay, here goes and this list is not complete....there are so many things that I haven't kept track of.<p>1. I find a # on caller ID and I ask Little Sel if it was one of her friends and she said (right off the bat) "No, that woman called Daddy". The phone call was at a time when Lil Sel would normally not have been home. I asked Mr. Sel and of course he "had no idea and never talked to that person". No, my daughter was VERY sure that it was a woman and that woman asked to talk to her daddy.<p>2. Little things. He's out of town this week (went back home for business). His schedule was supposed to be full but he left ALL of yesterday open. He's telling my family members one thing (about the time of his arrival) and he's telling me something different....and what he's doing isn't either of those things. I called him yesterday and out of the blue he decided to go to a movie (to kill some time he says). Yet, he took $40.00 out of the bank to go to the movie. I know his spending habits....he always uses a bank card....ALWAYS...and if he needs cash, he only takes out as much as he will need. That's a whole lot of Milk Duds. When he goes home for appointments his schedule is usually filled. This time, he left 2 whole days open.<p>3. His whole demeanor. He's very distant. As a matter of fact...he's been extremely distant. <p>4. Sex. It's different when we do have it.<p>Not to mention that he had gotten so defensive if I asked him about seeing someone that I quit asking and I started believing that it was all in my mind.....but things keep popping up.<p>Like I said, there are other things (inconsistancies) I can't put my finger on or remember right now.<p>selket<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

{{{Sel}}}
Got your e-mail and replied. Hang in there.
JJ

Do you have ideas of "who" it might be if there is a "who"? ... Once I finally removed the blinders from my eyes ... figured out the "who" in a split second. Have you looked over the phone bills? <p>What is your plan of action? Watch and wait? Investigate? .... what's on your mind to do?<p>Pepper

selket,<p>So sorry that you are even having to ask those questions.
My WH had done the same things as your H. I ignored my gut for a long time. (Actually very distracted - my father passed away and then a serious illness for me.)<p>When I really began to suspect, I prayed and cried that whatever it was be revealed to me AND give me the courage to face whatever i needed to face. It took a few days, but then it was there & confirmed by the most unlikely of sources! <p>I won't ignor my gut either anymore now knowing what i know.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by selket:
<strong>Thanks everyone.<p>Okay, here goes and this list is not complete....there are so many things that I haven't kept track of.<p>1. I find a # on caller ID and I ask Little Sel if it was one of her friends and she said (right off the bat) "No, that woman called Daddy". The phone call was at a time when Lil Sel would normally not have been home. I asked Mr. Sel and of course he "had no idea and never talked to that person". No, my daughter was VERY sure that it was a woman and that woman asked to talk to her daddy.<p>
[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>do a reverse # lookup at: www.anywho.com

Being relatively new to this game
( unfortunately), How do you seperate true "gut feelings" from what I think is my hypersensitivity due to my H's A? Does it matter? Should I independently check out everything I'm suspicious of?

No, I don't have any ideas. There is a girl he works with....she's 24, engaged and they work not just in the same office BUT the same cubicle. Okay, she has a big butt (I mean a big 'un)....but we all went to lunch the other day and I saw her look and my husband in a funny way. You know, just one of those looks. She is a Christian but I've found that that doesn't mean a whole lot to a lot of people where libido's are concerned.<p>Once again, he assured me tonight that he loves me and loves our D and loves our family and he would never put any of that in jeopardy. He hates me feeling the way I feel because he knows what it feels like. He also said that it's one thing to do something like "that" one you are young and stupid (what I did) but it's different to know the consequences and he would not hurt me in that way. <p>Now, if he's messing around with the girl at the office then why was he acting so funny when he went back home to TN??? He told me he was an adult and he doesn't have to report to anyone if he has a change of plans. Uh-huh.<p>He said all the right things (sound familiar to anyone???) and he also sounded sincere. So, why do I still feel that something is amiss? He seems to think it's because of my guilt. <p>So, I'll watch and wait and do as much investigative work as I can. <p>Stupid me wrote the phone # down and now I've lost the number. The name came up on the caller ID. We will be getting our first cell phone bill in about 3 weeks or so and I'm going to have them send me an itemized bill. <p>There is only so much support I can get around here (home). I don't have anyone he works with that I can befriend that would tell me if he was doing something (we don't know anyone else...we are still new here). He works with his parents (among other people) and he could screw somebody right in the middle of the office and his mother would cover for him. Trust me on this one.<p>So, I guess I'll start reading up real good on plan A...work on myself....and watch like a hawk. If he's doing something, sooner or later, he'll slip up...right...right????<p>I feel like I'm going crazy as well as being delusional...and I know I'm not either one of those.<p>Thank you all so much for all of the support and advice. It means alot to me.<p>selket

Things I did not do and regreted not doing:<p>I did not pay attention to where the money was going .... we seemed to run out of money very quickly during the A .... and I never knew why!<p>I did not look over the phone bills or the credit card bills ... let him take care of that because it is a drag ....<p>I did not pay attention to the fact that when he was paged he often left the room to answer the page ....<p>I did not think twice when he had a "big business meeting" he would call me before the "meeting" and tell me he was shutting off his cell phone for a few hours .... and that HE would call ME when the "meeting" was over.<p>I did not pay attention to his increased drinking.<p>I did not recognize a "non-answer" to a direct question; For example: I asked, "If you ever have an affair, or fall in love with someone else, please tell me so I can figure out what I want to do." .... This is the non-answer that I heard, "I would NEVER do that to you." ..... never do what??? tell me??? or have an affair???? I assumed he answered that he would NEVER have an affair ... but, he was saying he would never tell me!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] A "yes or no" type question that is evaded ..... now I'm "hip" to this ... and my teens are sorry I am "hip" to the non-answer.<p>Sel .... hang in there.<p>I love ya.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Selket dear, you have mail.<p>Love ya! <p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

selket,<p>Trust you instincts. That woman radar of yours is a powerful thing. It's time to hack your PC, check out the phone and credit card bills, rummage through his pockets, vehicle, briefcase etc. Find all the clues you need so that you have proof that, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is cheating. Then you need to confront him.<p>Is there any way you could follow him when he travels away on business? What is his explanation for two whole open days on his schedule? Have you asked? Will you?<p>Lots of good sage advice provided by a number of sage MBers. Hang in there and let us know how things are going.<p>Bluebird