Well here it is a new topic. I'm confused cos when I first started posting I was told to stick to one thread now I'm told to post a new one AS 40 REPLIES ARE TOO MANY!
Situation- separated 1 year- plan A-ing most of that time and pproperly for last 6 months. H seems to be more open with me but not sure if he is still with OW. Haven't had any OR talk since ebraury at which point he was still with her and talking about D. As it would be for me to file according to UK law I haven't done anything. He has been cake eater most of this time but with three children I struggle to know how to act in any other way. However I hate being in limbo and feel that that is what is happening at the moment. That said I'm not brave enough to change anything.
I have made changes to myself and am much more at peace and able to deal with situations withourt LBing. Not sure if that shows where I am at but am very confused. Jante<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]</p>

Jante,<p>Length of a post is up to U. Sometimes it is easier to start a new thread while others start to many it is hard to keep up. You be the judge. Just remember that others may not always remember all your details. <p>That said, as to how you are feeling. No R talk since Feb? Ok how about How Jante feels? What are your H's thoughts on rebuilding the trust in you and your family? <p>Instead of talking about 'love' (word losing meaning in the fog), it is better to use words harder to twist. Like trust and respect. <p>What is he doing to show he is earning back your trust?<p>L.

Hi jante,
Hmmm... you just can't please anybody out here, can ya? So don't even try... Just post whatever, whenever, however. Go for it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Regarding your confusing situation, I would wait until the doubts fade, then decide and act. If you have doubts, then don't. Wait for the green light to turn on inside. You will know when the timing is right and what's the right thing to do. If I were you, I would just focus on being a good mom to the kids right now.<p>You're not in limbo because you are in control of your own life--you are not in control of your H's decisions, but you are in control of yours! Your H does not hold your future in his hands! You do! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the replies- mmmm Orchid what is he doing to rebuild trust- absolutely nothing. He doesn't want the marriage back he appears quite content to have the freedom to do what he wants 150 miles away and then visit the children twice a week when I'm there as his friend. We get on fine no arguments no coolness but no intamacy either.
aPART FROM ow ISSUE OUR MARRIAGE HAD BEEN BESET BY FINACIAL DIFFICULTIES WHICH i ALWAYS FOUND A PRESSURE. sINCE i'VE BEEN ON MY OWN i HAVEN'T HAD THAT SORT OF PROBLEM, BUT TODAY LEARNT that he has had a problem over a utility bill at old home- which we are trying to sell. Its made me realise how vunerable I still am to the financial situation with him. I have been concentrating oon me and the kids- not much choice when I don't see him.
Thanks for listening. Jante

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I did post on the end of your other thread, just after you started this one. <p>Try to do some things for you. ( prayer helps me the most) Will pray for your marriage to heal.

Thanks Still Seeking- I've been back and read your very helpful points on my last thread. Yes I do pray and it does help, I also use the rejoice ministries site. I know I sounded like I was whinging- sorry for that it had been a hard week and I let things get on top of me. That was wrong.
I think I find everything so difficult because there is no contact between H and me between his visits to see the children yet when he comes to visit he is just as he always was with me chatting and telling me about his lfe. He won't allow any intimacy not even a hug so meeting any EN's is difficult and although he has/had a gf in London he never mentions her so I don't know what the situation is there. I know that should make the pain less but it leaves me imagining how great things must be between them.
Thanks again for your prayers and comments which I will reread and take note of. Jante

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It looks like I am seldom on when you are.
Probably because I am about half way around the world from you. <p>Wondering how you are doing? Hope the weekend went well.

Jante
You OK?
Even if we can't answer every day, we worry about you. Hope you are just so busy being happy you can't get free to post.

Thabks Still seeking- yes I'm ok. Have had a pretty boring weekend with lots of housework ads H didn't come to visit the children. However tonight we have all been out to a presentation evenoing for sons football team. it was a really nice timme with lots of friendly conversation between H and me , the sort I used to take for granted. LOts of eye contact and shared amusement. However when it came to leaving he dashed off so as not to have any physical contact with me- not that I've tried to hug him for weeks.
However he has asked me to join him and the children at the weekend to visit the local well dressings. Thats the secong occasion he has suggested it.
Hope things are well with you. Jante

Things are fine at our house today. Gave w foot rub last night and she is pretty happy this morning. Our marriage is improving and I am happy about it also. <p>Your H is willing to spend SOME with you. Many are not - take that as a good thing. I believe he feels guilty when he is there, so it is hard for him to make himself come to see you and your children. <p>Here is a link to a success story I think may give you a lift.
Lostva's story<p>Go about 6 down to Lostva's big post ( there is a small one only a few down, go past that.)<p>A major hobby for me has always been reading. I have read thousands of posts and I can tell you that the information you get on this site will work. ( It is working for me personally also, but I am only one person.) You can do a plan A from a distance, even with limited contact. <p>Now having said that, it may not save your marriage but it often helps - and it always improves you. <p>Are you still working plan A? Do you have anything in writing or just taking things from day to day? I suggest you put it in writing and look at your plan daily. As a mother with children, you don't have time to spend all day on this forum but if you read a little every few days you will often come across ideas you can use to improve your situation. <p>Here is a link to more information about plan A.<p>NSR's info about plan A and B<p>I am not on every day but I care about you. You seem to have a good attitude, keep it up.

Thanks Still seeking, I appreciate your support and comments. Yes I am still plan Aing and do seem to be seeing some movement on H part and feel better in myself. I find reading a great benefit to me as well and have read a lot on this board and Divorce Busters and Rejoice Ministries all of which have helped me to form a positive outlook on life and my situation.
Jante

Hi Jante
How are the boys taking this? Do they understand? Are they angry?
Are they getting some kind of help with this also? When they have questions for your H what does he say? <p>You seem to be strong and able to cope. I hope you are doing as well as you seem. <p>Now I have got what might be strange question for you - <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> However he has asked me to join him and the children at the weekend to visit the local well dressings. <hr></blockquote><p>OK, I live in the western US - what are well dressings ? Don't laugh at me. I've never heard that term used before. <p>Going to be gone for a few days, Hope your weekend goes well.
SS

Hi Still seeking, thanks for posting. The boys seem to be coping well most of the time. The eldest insists there is no point in me trying to restore the marriage as his dad isn't coming home, he has also said he would be happy if i got a D as it wouldn't make any difference to our lives. The other two get upset over the situation sometimes. They don't talk to their dad about the situation- they are afraid of upsetting him- but often talk to me about it tho less so in the last couple of months. A year is a long time in their lives. There have been problems with the eldest at school- not working as well as he could, rude and arrogant behaviour towards female staff. This is similar to his behaviour towards me at times. Could be as a result of the sitch with dad or just common teen behaviour! His dad and I have been into school to talk to staff and its being monitored.
A well dressing is an old derbyshire custom of dressing the water source in villages with pictures made of flowers. The pictures are usua;lly of biblical pictures and some villages have 12 or more pictures- they are usually 4 feet by 6 feet in size and rather lovely to look at. The village usually has a festival at the well dressing time - they go on in different villages throughout May-August. bye
jante

Two confused on the board so I'm going to change the title of this thread.
Jante

Changed title to this one cos its the question I'm asking myself this morning? Have just found out that H didn't process my resignationa as director in his company and that he hasn't file last years avccounts. Result I've had a letter to say I am liable and so may face a £5000 fine or even prison. I'm fuming with him but also with myself for trusting him when everyone told me not to. UHHHHHH Help!!!
Jante

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Jante, your situation sounds horrible and I don't know how you can bear it. Your H is definitely having his cake and eating it too and you are letting him. His failure to protect you by handling the paperwork properly speaks volumes.
It sounds to me like you've done a good Plan A, but it isn't working because your H is now able to be as selfish as he wants. He benefits from your friendship and your help with the children, he's able to maintain a relationship with the children with your help.
Have you thought about Plan B? What if you went to the well dressing with him, then tell him that you need to cut contact with him, because the current situation is too painful. Make sure that when he sees the kids for visitation, he takes them to his place, no matter how far away.
Plan B might help you move on from him, I'm sure that his popping in and out of your life as a "friend" keeps you on tenterhooks and prevents you from moving on.
Wishing you strength....
Maybe it would be the wakeup call he needs to realize what he's losing,