I also would like to know if other people's EA's tend to be in the fantasy arena…with a dose of reality, which makes them especially exciting? Do many of you know intellectually that you need to make your marriage work, want to keep your family intact, and when you weigh out all the pros and cons of your marriage vs marriage with the OM, that you are most likely better off and happier with your H? Yet your heart still says it wants to be with the OM and you can't seem to move on and quit contact with the OM? I'm really curious about this. This was so true for me, am I just really different? Or do others stuggle with this as well?

ashirley:<p>I also would like to know if other people's EA's tend to be in the fantasy arena&#8230;with a dose of reality, which makes them especially exciting? <p>hmmm...how could they be both?? I had an EA and the reality to me was I wanted that in my marriage..not with OM..<p>Do many of you know intellectually that you need to make your marriage work, want to keep your family intact, and when you weigh out all the pros and cons of your marriage vs marriage with the OM, that you are most likely better off and happier with your H? <p>TR- I didn't have fantasies about marrying OM..I enjoyed his company, I enjoyed our talks..but I never wondered "what would it be like married to this man??" I guess I knew I was married and wasn't happy with the way things were, and still hoped things would change..My EA was more of a turning point for me in the fact I had to decide
what I was no longer willing to accept in my marriage..<p>Yet your heart still says it wants to be with the OM and you can't seem to move on and quit contact with the OM? I'm really curious about this. This was so true for me, am I just really different? Or do others stuggle with this as well?<p>Is it your heart that is telling you--you want
to be with OM?? Or is it trying to tell you..THIS
IS WHAT IS MISSING IN MY MARRIAGE!!! THIS IS THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP I Want with My Husband!!!
How do I get this with HIM?? <p>I know thats what I felt..I wanted THAT Type of emotional bond with my husband..I knew there was A LOT of somethings missing in my marriage..but I felt if I had that closeness in my marriage..
things would work out..so I ended the relationship
w/ OM and tried to get that in my marriage..but.
alas..he couldn't give it..so I had to make some choices based on that truth..was I willing to continue living in an emotionally empty marriage??
was I willing to continue to live in abuse?? How much longer would I survive when I was already
thinking of ending my life to get out of the hurt?? And I had to make choices based on the truths I had to face within myself about my marriage..<p>If you haven't already done so..end the relationship with the OM..and put those energies into getting that emotional closeness with your husband..be open and honest with him about your feelings..use the information on this site print out the ENQ ask your husband to take it with you..
ask him to go to counseling with you..work on learning to communicate better with your husband about your feelings..and then based on what you learn from those truths..make your decisions..
but don't allow your feelings for OM to cloud your
judgement..<p>assess what it is you really feel for OM..what is
it in that relationship that is missing in your marriage?? and what can YOU do to bring that to your marriage??

I believe that an EA/PA is much more difficult on the WS than the BS. My WW is still having an EA/PA with a MM. Since WW is so close to OM, loosing him would be like loosing a close member of the family. If she does not talk to him for just a few days, she becomes extremely depressed. On the other hand, my feelings for my wife have been fading way before D-day because she has not been fulfilling my EN.

D-day was over a month ago, and we have been able to talk about her feelings about OM quite extensively. The EA is like a drug and the WS is like an Alcoholic. The high is so high with the OM that it is nearly impossible to quit without drastic measures. My WW does not want to even try to quit. She says she is not strong enough. She says intellectually she would like to quit her EA/PA, but she says she has tried it in the past many times and she can't stop. If you will it in your heart you can end the EA. Your H will have to help you do this. All communications must stop and the H should monitor this. Try blocking calls, changing email address, etc.<p>Does he know? If not, he should know. To be friends with a person you must share intimate thoughts, feelings, etc with them and that applies to your H as well. Otherwise, he is just a roommate.<p>I would recommend Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair." Good luck and try to get out of the FOG.

Hi,
I should have explained. My EA has ended. It took a year to do so, but it officially ended nearly a month ago. We've not had any contact at all. But it has been really difficult for me. <p>My H and I are doing great. I feel terribly in love with him and grateful that he was patient, kind, affectionate, etc. throughout the ordeal. Grateful that he didn't walk out on me, throw me out, belittle or humiliate me. And, I am so lucky that I didn't cause irreparable damage to my marriage and we are able to move on...all this said and done, I still think about the Om and wonder how he's doing, wonder if he misses me, or even thinks of me, etc. <p>I have not told my H just how hard it's been, in part bc I don't think he'd really understand and it would only hurt him. My H knows that I had an EA with the OM for 2 years, he just doesn't know how hard it's been, etc. I don't think anyone really could know unless they've been there...it's just one of those things.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about the OM...the nice part is that I think about my H much more and that the "Feeling" is gone when I think about the OM. Once in a while I get a sad feeling...wishing it hadn't all gone the way it did. By that, I mean I wish we'd never turned flirting into plans for a future...we both lost out on a great friendship and caused a huge amount of pain to ourselves, our friends and family and mostly to my H. <p>I was thinking about this recently, wondering if there will come a day when I don't have a thought of the OM anymore...and I do believe that day will come. Our ordeal was spanned over 2 years as well...so I think that after two years of your life thinking about someone every single day it will take a while for that to stop. Also...I think when I wean myself away from these boards and no longer "relive" the past for the benefit of others...I think I will be able to move on. Plenty of other things will fill my daily thoughts. I'm sure I'll still think about OM...I still think about all my exBF's once in a while...and the OM only lives 2 miles away. I hear updates and his name comes up in friends conversations. At some point I would guess H and I will find ourselves in a situation where OM will be there. Guess we'll deal with that when it happens.<p>As far as what I wanted...well, I knew what I wanted in a marriage...and YES I wanted that from my H, but I truly didn't believe we could ever have that together. So then I wanted the OM. What I learned was that a marriage with the OM would in NO WAY match the fantasy I had in my head...so with that being true I focused more on what I could realistically have with my H. I think H and I have great potential!

H4F,
Thank you so much for your response. I was worried that there's something wrong with me bc I do think of the OM still. Mostly wishing that I had been able to keep my feelings to myself...why did I have to tell him that I had fallen in love with him ?(no we never touched.) I also keep processing what I could have done differently so I wouldn't have had to lose a friend. I really liked (like) him and miss his friendship. Since I knew we'd never be together, why did I have to blow it by pushing the envelope over and over again? He only wanted a friendship. Why didn't I believe him and accept that? If I had "heard" him, we'd still be friends, and that makes me mad.<p>But I am letting go, and moving on, it just hasn't happen immediately.

ashirley-
I think your experiences are common among many of us WS. I never considered marriage to OM. One of the few rational thoughts I was capable of allowed me to realize that if I couldn't make a M work with my H, how did I expect to make a M work with OM?<p>I think I felt that I wanted my H and M, but I wanted the feelings I had for OM. I know he was meeting need my H was not, and I was so desperate for those needs to be filled I let my "friendship" become and EA. <p>It's two years past d-day for me. I still wonder how OM and his wife are doing. I don't "pine" for him anymore. But I still have a nagging feeling that I wish my marriage could have elements of the relationship and feelings OM and I shared. We've worked on this, but our M is still not ideal. And, yes, I realize it is unfair to compare my M to an EA.<p>I also agree with hope4future that what I feel most know is terrible regret that we let a good "aquiantanceship" with a shared interest turn into an EA and cause so much hurt.

Hi ashirley,<p>I found this article on EA's. Not sure if it will help or not, but thought I'd pass it on.<p>"An emotional affair is any time you use more energy on someone else other than your partner. These are the affairs that are most dangerous — only 5 percent to 10 percent end up going to the lover and leaving their partner. In my practice, it's 2 percent. The ones that go to the lover, though, are the ones that have the emotional affair more so than the physical affair. <p>Everyone has to be patient. The first thing the person that has committed adultery has to do — <p>Step One — is to let you know where they are at all times. "I'm going to the grocery store, going to get a haircut, I'll be a half hour late," etc. The adulterer has to do this to assure the betrayed for the first couple of years. <p>The second thing is that the adulterer has to say, "I have had no contact with the affair." <p>The third is that if the affair calls him, he has to announce it and tell you even if he didn't contact her back or speak to her. This increases the trust of your partner. <p>The fourth is you also — the betrayed — have to help the adulterer grieve for what the adulterer is missing now — for what he or she gave up. (People always hate me for mentioning this one!)
The main way to get to the forgiveness is to see equal signs between the betrayed and the adulterer. Meaning, it's either no one's fault or both people's fault. That helps you move to forgiveness because once you see equal signs, the betrayed stops obsessing and the betrayed can move to forgiveness. <p>The adulterer also has to allow the betrayed to throw emotional darts at him — time-limited, by appointment only, for 10 minutes (if it's a man, women can endure longer). And, the adulterer must allow the betrayed to lash out at the lover every day for 10 minutes at least once a day and promise not to defend the affair. <p>You also need to ask certain questions to be able to move on and the adulterer has to allow these questions instead of ignoring them — ignoring them causes the betrayed to obsess more. The less you tell, as an adulterer, the more the betrayed dwells. <p>The questions you should answer: Who was it? Where was it? How long has it been going on? When did you meet? Will you stop cheating with this person? Do you love this person? Are you going to marry this person and leave me? Who else knows? Do you still love me? <p>However, when answering these questions, do not give the gory details — that is one big mistake and does not do well for sexual healing later on. It's really important that people be aware that the ones betrayed remember this for the rest of their life, so don't tell too many details.
But again, if you don't tell enough, the more the betrayed dwells. It's a delicate balance. <p>If you'd like to reach me for questions, you can call (212) 606-3787. You can also e-mail me at adulterybusters.com or makeupdontbreakup.com. <p>Don't forget you really have to work on staying in love, not just falling in love. Try to work on having an affair with your own partner; getting rid of a partner doesn't get rid of your problems."<p>
H&S

Very interesting responses. I think TR and H4F make a very valid point; that what they wished for was the same level of emotional involvement they had with the OM with their Hs.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> ThornedRose
Is it your heart that is telling you--you want
to be with OM?? Or is it trying to tell you..THIS
IS WHAT IS MISSING IN MY MARRIAGE!!! THIS IS THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP I Want with My Husband!!!
How do I get this with HIM??<p>put those energies into getting that emotional closeness with your husband..be open and honest with him about your feelings..use the information on this site print out the ENQ ask your husband to take it with you..
ask him to go to counseling with you..work on learning to communicate better with your husband about your feelings..and then based on what you learn from those truths..make your decisions..
but don't allow your feelings for OM to cloud your
judgement.. <hr></blockquote><p>Very well said; your H needs to know you are feeling this, and you should work together for that. I won't repeat all I've said before, but this is the same thing<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> hope4future
As far as what I wanted...well, I knew what I wanted in a marriage...and YES I wanted that from my H, but I truly didn't believe we could ever have that together. So then I wanted the OM. What I learned was that a marriage with the OM would in NO WAY match the fantasy I had in my head...so with that being true I focused more on what I could realistically have with my H. I think H and I have great potential!
<hr></blockquote><p>This is also true; while the "fabulousness" of the emotional connection with the OM is very appealing, intelectually you know that it is a fantasy, because life gets in the way (kids, money, work, etc.) whether it's with the H or the OM. So I think it's important to try to gain more emotional connection with the H, but at the same time not try to compare or make it "the same" as with the OM because with the OM, all the other pressures of life were not present, and that makes the R fake, fantasy. Create a better connection with the H, but do it within realistic expectations, that it cannot be the fantasy that was lived with the OM.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> dreamland
I believe that an EA/PA is much more difficult on the WS than the BS...On the other hand, my feelings for my wife have been fading way before D-day because she has not been fulfilling my EN.
<hr></blockquote><p>Dreamland, I don't believe we can make judgements about who an A is harder for. In your case, you feel it's harder on the WS, but that's BECAUSE you were already very low on love bank deposits, so you felt it less. But believe me, in other cases, it is the BS that bears a disproportionate amount of the pain and the responsibility to rebuild.

I think this is an important topic. Figuring out what part of an EA is "Real" and what part is "Fantasy" and the degree of awareness the WS has of which part is which, and perhaps what triggers "reality", could be a good indicator for the BSs to help their WS come in from the fog. Or at least could help us formulate strategies to try to do this.<p>Space