Hiya!<p>I'm brand spanking new here .... and this is my first post. I have a question:<p>Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater?<p>This is a second marriage for both my H and I. He was married the first time at age 25 .. and the woman he married ... was just 14 when they met, but he waited till she was 18 to marry her, all though they lived together for 2 years prior to marriage.<p>He told me she changed as soon as they were married, and became mean and hard to live with to both him and their children. He says he fell out of love with her within a few years ... and started to find 'love and attention' outside of the home. He would go to bars and watch the games on tv ... get to talking to folks .. and with a particular woman, one thing would lead to another .... and because they were getting along so well .. he was getting the attention he needed, and it would lead to sex.<p>He also had sex with one of their mutual friends, a waitress who worked with his wife. That was a one time thing. He also traveled on the job, and would have sex with prostitutes in other towns, and go to bars and pick them up. He said he'd rather use a prostitute because there would be no 'emotional' involvment, it was just 'sex'.<p>By the way, before he married, he was in the Navy, and visited many prostitutes in other countries pretty regularly.<p>He had sex with a long-time friend at work, after a company party also ... while he was married.<p>THEN ... the big one .. that would have KILLED me!
His wife and him had a 15 year old babysitter, he was 31 at the time ... and she and he became very good friends .. since her Dad was a driver at the races .. and Jim was the mechanic of his brother's car .. in the pit crew ... they had lots in common .... and after 1 year, he had sex with her .... she was 16 and he was 32!! Nobody said a thing about it ... even though many folks knew .... even her own mother thought it was cool!<p>Eventually this girl moved away .... and he left his first wife ..... didn't divorce her. After 1 year .. he met this girl again ... and they moved in together ... since she had gotten married, and had a baby ... and wanted to get away from her husband. They lived together for 4 years, until she wanted Jim to move out, cause another 'older' man was moving in.<p>He tried to get her back for a year ... but then moved on to another younger girl .....<p>He met a woman near his own age, about 5 years before he met me .... but they were mostly just friends .. but had sex when he needed it. She was a barmaid. One year, at a Christmas party, this woman's husband was hanging around (yes, she was married) ... and Jim couldn't get close to her, so he took her neice outside instead, and she says she came out to find them having sex..<p>Sooooooo as you can see ..... this husband of mine, has cheated repeatedly throughout his life, and always seems to have desired young girls. I still see him staring at them. He tells me that just before meeting me, he realized he did not want to go live this kind of life anymore, and wanted to change. He tells me I'm everything he's always wanted in a woman ..... and more.... he also says he has no reason to cheat now... since I'm very sexually active, and love him deeply .. also I'm a Christian and will NEVER cheat on him..... etc. etc.<p>BUT .... I can't help but wonder ... can a person stop cheating? Can they change?? Or is it just a matter of circumstances and time?<p>Looking forward to your comments and opinions.
Hugs,
Dee

DD,
I don't think we can generalize and say that "once a cheater always a cheater". However, once a cheater, there appears to be more of a pre-disposition to cheat, or cheating comes easier.
From your story, it appears your H did not pay a high price for his cheating, either so that could also be a signal of how he behaves.<p>I would encourage you to address this honestly with him, that this is a concern for you, and measure, gauge his responses. If he will be honest about it, and if he wants to sincerely support you in this, then start reading about the subject, perhaps get some counseling.<p>Here's a good place to start:<p>MB Recommended Reading

Since this is my first post ... I hope you all don't mind me bumping it up a few ... I'd really like a few more opinions.<p>Hugs,
Dee

Just another bump ....... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugs,
Dee

deedee<p>Jo (Resilient) bumped up a thread from long ago that addresses this question.<p>As a former WS and now a BS I would say the answer in my case is a resounding NO....<p>Too much pain for all involved to ever go thru it again.<p>E

I'm sorry, but my opinion is your husband has a problem and until that problem is addressed he will continue to cheat. Maybe not right away, but as soon as the situation presents itself he will not be able to say no.<p>How long have you been married? <p>My husband is a cheater and is taking steps to control this behavior -- but in his case the saying is true. Even if he never has another affair, the POTENTIAL will always be there.

No one who is a child of the devil, the father of lies is going to fess up to ALL the truth. Even after they say they told you everything they still HIDE what they want to! They'll only let out what they have to, lets not forget they got caught at CHEATING! If they did'nt the BS would never have found out anything. So I will have to say I believe given the right circumstances again they WOULD! Because why did they do it in the first place, they did not want to get caught right! They would'nt have done it if they knew they were going to get caught! So the next time they'll remember the mistakes they made. And you can bet, if they do not cheat again physically, there thoughts will be having a hell ofa FIELD DAY!! Enough said [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</p>

Have you considered that he might have a sexual addiction? If he does, I think counseling would be in order. If he can't control his fixation with minors, he could end up in jail. There are laws against what he's been doing. Of course I'm no expert at getting a man to be faithful. I'm a BS. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

deedee,<p>I don't know. It sounds like your husband has done a lot of cheating before he met you. Did you know about all of this before you married him? He may genuinely want to change, but has he ever really addressed the reasons why he did it in the past? What's he doing now to prevent something like this from happening again?<p>Do you suspect he may be reverting back to his old ways?<p>I think, like Spacecase said, there's no one answer to your question. Not every cheater is always a cheater, and of course people can change. However, you're H has a pretty heavy history of not being responsible...you would probably know best if you think he's capable of it again.<p>Try reading some of the Basic Concepts on this site. They can offer some guidance on how to "affair-proof" your marriage. Maybe you and your husband can work on them together, and help him (or you) from falling into the same trap again.<p>Hope this helps. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD

DeeDee,
Hey, I think you know the answer & I want you to know that I feel your pain -- these are his issues & you are not to blame!
Who can say the cause --in most cases it is probablly many causes -- but the addicted person does not have a healthy view of sex -- it is a sickness -- the person is a sick person, they are not a bad person.
This is extemely difficult -- no easier than an alcoholic, but there is hope! There are 12 step programs for this that are modeled after 12 step programs for AA.
This is going to take some time to sink in and to deal with -- in all liklihood you H does not think he has a problem -- boys will be boys kind of mentality. Unfortunately, he may not have much motivation to change his ways -- he may say to you that he won't do it again -- just like a teenager saying they won't drink again!
A book I would recommend is Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" This is a book for your eyes only.
A book that sheds light on sexaholic is Patrick Carnes, "Out of the Shadows"
Prepare yourself for the worst & hope for the best!
Hugs back to you.
You are in my Prayers,
HH

Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater?<p>Negative.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rocky:
<strong>No one who is a child of the devil, the father of lies is going to fess up to ALL the truth. Even after they say they told you everything they still HIDE what they want to! They'll only let out what they have to, lets not forget they got caught at CHEATING! If they did'nt the BS would never have found out anything. So I will have to say I believe given the right circumstances again they WOULD! Because why did they do it in the first place, they did not want to get caught right! They would'nt have done it if they knew they were going to get caught! So the next time they'll remember the mistakes they made. And you can bet, if they do not cheat again physically, there thoughts will be having a hell ofa FIELD DAY!! Enough said [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>While this may be true of some WSs, I do think it is unfair to label all of us this way. I was not "caught" cheating. I confessed - my XH had no idea. He knew I wasn't myself, but he was very surprised to find out I was having an A. I have learned from my mistakes. I would never do this again. Hindsight is definitely 20/20. I understand why I had the A and what lead to it and how I can be sure never to have another one. I didn't have an A with a random person, although I know that happens to some people. It was someone I was emotionally and physically involved with in my past - a significant person in my life. I have no reason to have an A with anyone else or him ever again for that matter. <p>I think blanket statements, such as these, are very unfair. All situations and all people are different. I do not think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is always the case. In fact, I think it is usually not the case. There are some that may cheat continually for the rest of their lives. Like someone said previously, perhaps they hadn't lost enough to realize what a mistake they were making. For most WSs, I think they end up realizing, perhaps too late for that marriage, but they do realize what they have done and will probably not do it again. <p>I think I recall someone's signature line where both spouses in their current marriage were BSs in their previous marriage. One of them then became the WS. It can happen to anyone, even someone who's been through it before. So, even a blanket statement about BSs, that they would never have an A is also unfair. I'm sure the vast majority would never......but never say never, as someone else said.

No it is not true that once a cheater always a cheater. At least not in all cases. <p>But with your H's history I'd be worried too. It does sound like he has a sexual addiction. He may also be considered a pedophile by some definitions of the crime. Generally people who are attracted to the young find that they are easy to manipulate and control. They are easy pray. <p>Unless your H has had a major shift in his way of thinking his previous behavior pattern will probably surface again. <p>There are some very good books written on the subject of sexual addiction. The one I started with is “Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction” by Patrick Carnes. He has written several books aimed at helping the sexual addict heal and to support the SO of the addict. <p>Another thing that stands out about your H is that he does not seem to understand dynamics of a healthy relationship. Please read the material on this web site and the MB books. You will learn a lot here about how to develop and maintain a healthy marriage. And perhaps you can get your H interested too. <p>As I think of your H, an article in the latest MB newsletter came to mind. Because of the amount of cheating your H has done in the past. It would seem to me that you would need to know how he intends to ensure that this never happens again. I hope Dr. Harley does not mind as I copied his article here for you. Perhaps you could share it with your H.<p>
___________________________________________________________<p>Straight To The Point – What’s your plan?
by Steven W. Harley, M.S.
============================================<p>Quite unintentionally I have become a specialist in helping couples
rebuild their marriage after being ravaged by the devastating
effects of an affair. In fact, that’s pretty much all I do. And
when couples come to me for help, one of the early questions I ask
the wayward spouse is “What was your plan to prevent this from
happening?” The immediate answer I get tends to vary somewhat, but
when all is said and done, the answer turns out to be “I didn’t have
a plan.”<p>They never see it coming. They never saw themselves as someone who
could do such a thing. They all knew it was wrong. They all felt
it was completely against their own morals, beliefs, and values.
They all felt it would never happen to them. So, what was their
plan to make sure it never happened? Again, there was no plan.<p>How about you? What is your plan?<p>So, ask yourself “What is your plan?” What is going to make you
different from the countless people who have the same morals and
values that you have? What is going to make your caring future
different than their painful past?<p>Write down your rules and guidelines that will prevent you from
becoming drawn to someone else. Then share them with your spouse
so that he/she will also understand what you will be doing to
prevent you from becoming connected with someone else. Remember,
telling yourself and your spouse that you just won’t let it happen
was exactly what all the others told themselves too. And it
didn’t work for them either.<p>Write down the details that will help you keep a completely open
life to your spouse where a secret second life would be impossible.
Details should include allowing access to all email accounts, cell
phone records, and financial accounts. Everything.<p>Successfully protecting yourself lies in the details. The more
details you have, the greater the likelihood of your success.<p>Please take this seriously. Your spouse’s emotional safety depends
upon it.

You know this whole subject of "once a cheater always a cheater" IS TRUE!!
Because once you've cheated (BROKEN YOUR MARRIAGE VOW)on your spouse, you'll always be a cheat! Maybe forgiven or maybe not by WS, God will forgive the person for what they did, but the WS does'nt have to.The WS will never be able to totally live a right live again with or without his BS. My comments on this suject maybe slanted so if I've affended or affend anyone I'm truly sorry. I wish everyone the best for there own marriage problems, I just hate to see children in the middle, for them what did they do? yet they're now scared for life, I'm out of here! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rocky:
<strong>You know this whole subject of "once a cheater always a cheater" IS TRUE!!
Because once you've cheated (BROKEN YOUR MARRIAGE VOW)on your spouse, you'll always be a cheat! Maybe forgiven or maybe not by WS, God will forgive the person for what they did, but the WS does'nt have to.The WS will never be able to totally live a right live again with or without his BS. My comments on this suject maybe slanted so if I've affended or affend anyone I'm truly sorry. I wish everyone the best for there own marriage problems, I gust hate to see children in the middle for them what did they do, yet they are noe scared, I'm out of here! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yes, I do think your comments are slanted. And...I find them somewhat hard to follow. Why do you keep ending with "I'm out of here!" - like you have to say your comments and then cut out? You may not be doing this intentionally, but it is sure how they come across to me. <p>I was thinking about marriage vows after reading your post. Aren't marriage vows - to love, honor, cherish, etc., etc., etc., 'til death do us part?<p>If those are the marriage vows you're talking about....my XH broke his vows just as much as I did. He did not honor me and cherish me - that's one aspect (of many) as to why we had so many problems. I did my share of dishonoring and not cherishing too....but so did he. And what about the BSs and WSs alike that decide on Dv (I'm one of them, so I'm not slamming anybody)....but that's not 'til death do you part, right? So...that's another broken marriage vow, BS or WS.

DeeDee<p>You might be asking the wrong question, "Once a cheater - always a cheater?"<p>Unfortunately the question that is more appropriate in your situation is more like this, "Multiple times a cheater - always a cheater?"<p>Did you know his history before you married him?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

NC20505, look I really do not want to try and defend, support, or even comment on your SO A, thats funny I thought your husband was to be your one and only how could you have a SO! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Do not try and make special excuses for what you did, you were dead wrong (two wrongs never make it right) and you owe your husband much! Anyway I'm sorry you can not follow my replys. Maybe you need to read them more carefully? Do not get hung up with my replys I'm just one person and what do I know right? And the reason I end my replys with "se ya, I'm out of here, etc." is I get so angry with some of the posts I read it just describes how I feel, I just can not stick around and boil!! I have seven childern of my own from two women that I married, both of them were cheaters, liars, weak indviuals, who did'nt care about there own children as more important then there own lustful drives, not to mention their own husband. To me WSW or WSH that committ these acts of CRIME should be made a public display in their own town! WS do not care what they do or how they do it (takers), speaking of A's, they'll hurt anyone that gets in their way including themselves!! I know every situation in A's are different, but one thing is for sure all "AFFAIRS ARE INSPIRED BY THE DEVIL's OWN AND ARE TOTALLY EVIL"!!and are'nt out of TRUE LOVE! "A CHEATER WILL ALWAYS BE A CHEATER" they may never CHEAT on their spouse again, but because they broke the marriage VOW and forsaked the marriage they will always be a an ADULTER! The big guestion is are they FORGIVEN? I compare WS's to a DRUNKEN DRIVER, when they get behind the wheel they do'nt even care who they could hurt or kill, not even themselves!! I could go on here, but I have a wife and five children at home I need to be with, I only get on the web when I can, ya see I do not own a computer, I have not been as bless as others to be able to own one that was internet ready, if you know what I nean? Well I guess I'll take my slanted self out of here!! SEE YA!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>NC20505 there is hope for your Marriage, but it will take more work then you could imagine. I suggest keeping a clean heart and soul to start and trying to gently ezzzzz back slowly to a right relationship with only your true SO, YOUR HUSBAND! And if it is meant to be it will be!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</p>

deedee,<p>has he cheated on you since you two have been married? he looks, but has he actually done anything other than look? And what do you say to him when you catch him looking? That would seem to be a perfect opportunity to ask him about what is going on in his head. if he wants to be with another woman and to just let him know how uncomfortable that makes you feel? <p>I was also wondering, did you know about his past before you married him? did you know all the details you described to us and then married him anyways? or did you discover all these details after the two of you were married?<p>I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. If he hasn't cheated on you, then why would you think he would want to. He told you that you were everything he needed in a woman, then why don't you believe that.<p>These were just some questions that came to my mind as I read your story and the other responses.
I hope they don't offend you in any way.
Debbie

My understanding is that pedophilia is not curable.

deedee50 <p>I'm sorry you ever let yourself get into a situation (relationship) like you are in now! If I were you I would just get on with my life the best way I knew how, with plenty of prayer, I feel for you. Let this guy gooooo! You do not need all the stress and whatever that is going to be in your life everyday, it will only destroy your life,! Let some MD help him, I,m sorry I would not waste my time! you need to be happy everyday. I know it will be hard, but if you want happiness in your life you have to start moving on in the direction that is going to help you! His actions are as plan as the nose on your face, he will never stop his crimal actions as long as he is not confronted with them, everyone of them! It seems like he just keeps making his own excuses or whatever to continue his ways, so let him goooo! Come on, just re-read your post, what kind of a person is he, his look on life is as shallow as the water in a dry thimble?? Let him be with the DEVILS crowd. He'll find his brick wall, believe me! You sound like a real nice girl, trusting, honest, one that would do anything for her man, but do'nt sacrifice your morals, your dreams in life for a person who does'nt share your hopes, be who you were born to be! There is someone out there for you. Be careful and keep safe. Let this guy gooooo, stay here with marriage builders and seek and you will find whatever your quest my be. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wish I could help you more, but in you situation your original question is the definition of his life!!! His track record is a bad one , I would be affraid to have him around my wife, or any of my three daughters!!! He should think of castration!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Rocky ]</p>