WH has another class tonight that the OW may or may not be at. He did go to his class in March and i recently found out that he left a note on her car saying "I miss you" which started contact all over again. <p>He had a class in April that he told me he had a different meeting to go to (which he did), but it ended earlier than he expected and he went to the class late. Of course, he did not tell me about this. <p>Contact has supposedly ended again (as of April 8), after I found out that the contact had been started up again and he was hiding it all from me.<p>I've seen many signs of withdrawal finally happening, ie. loss of sleep, concentration, etc., but I have seen no signs that we are anywhere near able to start recovery because withdrawal is no where near over.<p>Well, he has a class tonight, and he plans on going. He said he thinks he can handle it,even though he admitted that he picked up the phone to call her yesterday (it was his birthday) but he did not follow through with the phone call.<p>He said he feels alot stronger today than he did yesterday. <p>My thoughts are that he has done nothing to try to regain my trust and after the last two classes that he went to, one where he left a note for her which started contact all over, and the other that he did not even tell me that he went to (I heard a VM from her), what am I supposed to do?<p>I feel like such a fool. His comment to me was "what, am I never going to be able to go to my classes again". <p>I'm so angry right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm more angry at him or angry at myself for giving him another chance to hurt me again. <p>I leaning towards leaving tonight and just not being here when he gets home. I really feel like I can't face him and if i do have to face him, I don't want to risk LB.<p>Anyone have any advice?

Don'tleave. I really don't think you should do that. How important is the class? Can he miss it? If it's not that important, can you tell him that you can't go through this any more. If he goes to the class, he might as well just not come home, tonight, or ever. Maybe that's too drastic and I haven't read your posts...but don't leave...you've got 4 kids!

I think I may have asked you this last time, because you were worried that class as well...can you go with him? Or meet him right afterward?<p>An answer, not exactly MB nice, to "can't I...ever" is sure, you can do anything you want, but then, so can I. <p>Your H is using up his chances, he's draining your lovebank.<p>So, where would you go? If you do, you must choose a safe place for you, no bad behavior for you. Are you thinking about just after work, before class, or overnight? Or just coming home later than him if he goes to class?<p>As long as the kids are taken care of, I guess I don't think being out of the house is so bad, as long as you aren't out drinking & brawling [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>But, if you are going out...you may consider being in the parking lot of his class. <p>I don't know if I'm giving you good advice, I empathize a bit too strongly with your situation.

Hi Hurting,<p>When I got to the sentence quoted below:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hurting wrote:
My thoughts are that he has done nothing to try to regain my trust.<hr></blockquote><p>I then remembered reading this quoted sentence which preceeded it:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hurting wrote:
Well, he has a class tonight, and he plans on going. He said he thinks he can handle it,even though he admitted that he picked up the phone to call her yesterday (it was his birthday) but he did not follow through with the phone call.<hr></blockquote><p>I respectfully would like to say that I think he IS trying. It is a feable attempt, yes, but there is effort. He is trying to follow the recovery rules and be open/honest. He is not intentionally defying the boundaries or trying to hurt you ... that's "something", even tho it seems, and may be, very little, IMHO.<p>You have a perfect right to be angry with him for starting the withdrawal clock all over again, Hurting. He has put you two back to square one. And I think he needs to understand that's what contact does, it puts you and him back to square one, starting recovery ALL OVER AGAIN. There's only so many times you can revisit square one before RECOVERY becomes something illusive. <p>Let him know you appreciate his honesty regarding the phone call he didn't make to OW on his BDay, even tho I know his other bad decisions eclipsed this effort. <p>Stay Strong, Hurting. Keep venting here.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Ohhh wait,<p>... and about going out tonight. I vote "yes". Like Lor said, you deserve some time to yourself, doing something YOU like to do. <p>And it certainly wouldn't hurt for Mr. Hurting to wonder where the heck you are for a change. I think an evening pampering yourself is perfectly warranted, shoot, even required. After all, you've been thru hell, you deserve it.<p>Lv,
Jo

I feel like such a fool. His comment to me was "what, am I never going to be able to go to my classes again". <p>If he's serious about re-commiting to you. Then "No". No, he wont be able to go back to the same classes with her anymore. It's pretty simple logic.<p>If he's serious, then he should probably make efforts to find him self a new class, or change hours or something. It can be done i'm sure.<p>However, he cannot keep hurting you by being in contact with her during class, or having her around during recovery is not productive either. <p>In short, it's going to be impossible for you two, to recover with her still in his life somehow. Whether thats just seeing her in a class room, or more.

Are his classes some kind of mandatory thing? Work related? Maybe you said and I missed it. <p>If he wants your M to work, he should be willing to give up and do anything. He may not be quite ready, but he should be well on his way to making the effort. <p>Now...please don't take this the wrong way...everyone's situation is different and I am not patting myself on the back and saying I'm wonderful....but I am planning to move back to where my XH lives, I am quitting my job and will have to find another one, I have physically moved out from living with OM, disconnected our previous phone # and have a new unlisted #, have my mail forwarded to a PO Box so he won't know where I live, I haven't had any contact with him and never will again, etc. I may never reconcile with my XH, but I am willing to take any and all steps necessary to show him that I am serious, that I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to put action to my words to try to reconcile. <p>However......the WS has to be ready for these steps. It took me a long time to get to this point and it may be too late. It may have taken me too long. It just depends on how long you're willing to wait. Your H has to be ready and willing. It does seem like he has made a few baby steps. Be patient and see if those steps become bigger and bigger. <p>I am only in the beginning of this....so perhaps this is not good advice, just what I thought while reading your post.

OMG!<p>Hi [H] .... how are you and Knewjie doing?<p>Jo

He did not go to the class and I really don't know if it was because I was so upset or if he maybe realized that he wasn't ready. Also, I didn't leave last night (I was only going to go shopping anyway, just didn't want to be here when he got home). I decided to stay home with the girls instead.<p>Even though he didn't go to his class, he decided to work late and said that he had to meet someone to sign some papers. He did phone me and asked me if I wanted to meet him at the place he was meeting this guy at to sign the papers, however I declined. The tone in his voice (as he was checking in all night) was that of disgust that he is belittled this way, so instead of it being a good thing that he is checking in, I see it as a LB because he clearly is aggravated about having to do it.<p>ASHIRLEY:
I did tell him I can't go through this anymore, I've backed down so many times, I don't think he beieves it.<p>LOR:
I can't go with him to the class (paid people only), but I could definately meet him afterwards, if he would invite me. I have never met anyone from the class and I have told him, either you're embarrased of me or embarrased of them.<p> I know you've been through all this and then some, that's why I value your advice so much.<p>RESILIENT:
He only admitted to picking up the phone to call her because he was trying to tell me that he was ready to move on and that because he didn't follow through with his call to her, he could handle seeing her. He just doesn't get it. I'm afraid that for me, I've been to square 1 too many times. He doesn't make an effort to do anything to regain my trust, he just expects me to go back to trusting him like I did before (and I did trust him).<p>NC20505:
That's what I'm afraid of, that it may be too late, my love bank is pretty much at zero right now. It's all about him and what he's gouing through and I get that, it just would be nice to get a little something back, anything.<p>To All:
I received an anonymous note in the mail yesterday telling me about him having an A and who the OW is. The person said that it was time I knew what was going on.<p> My thought is that if nothing has been going on for the last month, why would someone feel the need to send that to me?<p>
Thanks all for your replies, Thank goodness for this board as a place to vent.

I'm sorry Hurting. From reading your earlier post it seemed your H was making a tiny effort. I apologize if I added to any of your grief, Hon.<p>At this point all I can recommend is a coaching session with Steve H. and your H. I'd say that's the only way you can really get a good idea of where your H's at in terms of ANY recovery. Steve H. has a way of talking with the WS's where he can get a good feel of where they sit, whether it be on the fence or in recovery.<p>Lv,
Jo

Hurting,
Is the OW named in the note the OW?<p>Sometimes people take some time to make up their minds to inform the BS, this could be from before and not anything current.<p>I'd find it odd though.<p>It could be the OW.<p>Did you show the note to your H? I think I would, or at least tell him about it if I wanted to keep the note safe from his destruction. Ask him if he has any ideas why someone would send it to you now.<p>And, did you thank him for calling you? Especially if he seems disgruntled, if you show appreciation for his effort, it may come to be more of a positive experience to call you and be accountable. I know sometimes it doesn't seem fair to have to thank someone for just doing what they should, but I would think you do want it to continue.