My frustration level is at an all time high right now. I don't think I can do this anymore, not sure if I want to do this anymore. Right now, I'd just a soon toss all of this baggage overboard and sail away, man how I hate this situation!<p>Nothing has changed since my last post. Two weeks ago, W was telling me how she still felt connected to me, how she thought she would like to try and work things out, but I wonder if it was just lip service. I was even hoping that after her surgery when I was coming by the house to take care of the kids, she would want to spend time with me, guess I was wrong. <p>The day she came home from surgery, she left almost immediately to go out with BF, came home and then went out with OM for the rest of the evening (he just lost his job and needed emotional support, BAH!). Since then, she has managed to be completely unavailable whenever I come by the house, but sure has a list of things she wants me to do while I am there, because she cant right now. Yesterday she went out with a male friend (not OM) for the entire day, went downtown and shopped and had a grand ol' time. This probably shouldn't bother me, but that's how her and OM began as well. And what is even worse, I think she may have been smoking a little of the wacky-weed (has admitted to doing this with the same guy on past occasions) because her mannerism sure was odd when she came home. I've been there, done that ,so I know what to look for.<p>Today I am supposed to go over to the house for dinner, but I just cant. I called and left a message telling her that I wont be coming over. I just cant do it anymore, I don't want to go over there, I don't want to see her, I don't want to talk to her, I don't want anything to do with her. Yes, I am in a real bad mood! I have noticed that I cant even be real nice when I am around her, I cant even Plan A anymore.<p>I also have to start looking for a second job because I cant even afford the basics anymore. 80% of my income goes to her, I just figured out that I come up $500 short every month. I have a nice apt, got it for a great rate, but I live like a pauper in it, even my kids are starting to complain about how boring it is over there. This just plain sucks, sorry.<p>Obviously my Plan A isn't working and I don't think I can continue doing it anymore. I don't even know if Plan B is a valid option either. The other day I was telling W how stressed out I am over this, asked her what she wanted to do, she said she was hoping she could wait until the end of the summer to decide if she was going to take me back. TAKE ME BACK?, what kind of crap is that, I don't think she gets it. I also asked her about her relationship with OM, she said they talk once in a while (a lie, I saw a recent phone bill, they talk 1-2 hours a day) and that his W is pressuring him to end all contact with her. W then asks me if I had talked to OM's W recently because she thinks I am the one who is giving her this idea, basically accusing me of forcing an end to their friendship. That really gets me, she just doesn't want to end it with him, not even for the sake of the M! I think W has this idea that since the PA is over, we should all just forget about it and move on. W has even told me that she cant understand why OM's W hates her so much, gee, go figure!<p>W's birthday is coming up, and so is Mothers Day, and to be honest, I don't want to spend either one of those days with her. I'm really starting to wonder if there is anything left to salvage, if too much damage has been done. Yes, I do still love her, but even that feeling is slipping away quickly, I'm just afraid that I have come to the end of this chapter in my life. Maybe W wants to end the M as well, but wants me to be the one to do it. How I hate this, I really feel like I am wasting my time. All I want is to have a life without all the stress and garbage W is throwing into it. I want to be able to live on my own terms and not have to be constantly waiting for W to make this grand decision. I cant do this anymore, I don't have anything left to give. Even if W were to tell me right now she wants to recommit to the M, I don't think I could believe or trust her.<p>Sorry this is such a depressing post, but if anyone can give me a reason to believe that things are going to get better, I'd appreciate it.

Im sorry to hear of your pain, it sounds like you are doing your best to keep your head above water. Keep paddling ducky, dont make any decisions while you feel so down, they never work out [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] huggs

LHS,<p>I can relate... WW and I have actually "gotten along" together a bit lately... but I have no reason to believe her A is over - just suspicions and guesses... In fact, it might not be in a healthy state, but does it really matter? A sick A is still an A.<p>You were in Plan B a while ago, right? How did that work out for you? Is it something you can do again, and stick to strongly... i.e., no "caving in" without some very solid proof that A is over?<p>I'd always suggest Plan B over Plan D, if you've just been in Plan A... why? Because Plan B and Plan D look almost the same - to you and WS. At very least, it buys some time to cool off completely, gain some perspective, and wait...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sorry this is such a depressing post, but if anyone can give me a reason to believe that things are going to get better, I'd appreciate it.<hr></blockquote><p>It is always darkest before the dawn... Are you a Believer? Throw it out to Him... tell him you cannot do this anymore w/out Him... Give HIM control... <p>I don't want you to get the idea that I think things will turn out all peachy keen... or that your WW will do the turnaround that my FWH has seem to have done... BUT...<p>This is what I did... <picture me sobbing in bathtub... saying much what you have about NOT being able to do this anymore... I GIVE IT TO YOU... Let YOUR Will be done... I will accept whatever happens> and I meant it... whether that meant H and I separated... or stayed together...<p>There is hope either way... HIS WILL be done.<p>Cali

I am prety new at this whole thing. My WW will not give up OM either. I do not think I could be as strong as you are and last as long as you have.<p>It may be good if you stay away from W for a while until you have a chance to reflect on the current situation. Life should not have to be this hard. I hope you feel better soon.<p>Good Luck.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I don't know all of your facts, but<p>Why are you giving your wife 80% of income? If she is the one with the OM then shouldn't she have to move out and get her own job?<p>I too also believe in Plan B before Plan D, but don't mess up your Plan A before you go to Plan B, or that's all they will remember.<p>Also, remember that Plan A doesn't change them - it's just something you do while you are waiting for A to end, and if you're lucky, they see the changes and decide to return to the marriage.<p>You also have to look at your WW's personality style, and see what is most effective with her. <p>My XWH did not respond well to Plan B because he acts like a 2 year old and you know what 2 year olds do when they are told "no" - they throw a tantrum, and he just took advantange of me in Plan A, while we were in the marriage.<p>I've learned that I have to get out of his life as much as I can so that reality can set in.<p>It's not what I wanted or prayed for, but it's what has to happen for XWH to wake up.<p>I know how frustrated and upset you are. I've been down that road many times. But I do have to say, that for as many times as I've traveled into the woods, God as always led me out to at least a place where I can bear it.<p>It's a journey for us too. I pray that God will give you strength in your suffering. K

LHS:<p>I have to chime in with the others here that wonder "why are you giving 80% of your income to WW, who's living in YOUR house and continuing HER A?"<p>If you can't get her to trade the house for the apartment, why not just put the house on the market and sell it?<p>Also, seems like you're to the point where it's time for plan B, also observed above. <p>Take care, this must be very hard for you.

Okay LHS,<p>I'm sorry there seems to be no progress, but after re-reading your post, I see something here ...<p>Read this quote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>LoveherStill wrote:
Since then, she has managed to be completely unavailable whenever I come by the house, but sure has a list of things she wants me to do while I am there, because she cant right now. <hr></blockquote><p>She NEEDS you. You ARE meeting a set or sub-set of her ENs. And she depends on you to do it. And OM (men?) are meeting the rest, I would guess. I say continue on with Plan A for a bit longer. Demonstrate to her you can meet those set of needs easily and are willing. And doing it LB-less.<p>Just a bit longer and then it's time for Plan B ... "NO MORE NEED MEETING". It seems close to time, you are clearly losing love for her ... have you drafted a Plan B letter?<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

{{{{{hugs}}}}}<p>I feel like that off and on every day. And I try to find reasons to stay and make it work. You are getting great advice.... Plan B sounds like it might be a good time to invoke it. <p>Do what is best for you and your emotional well being.<p>Vent all you want<p>J~

W gets 80% of my income because I was stupid enough to sign the separation papers without really reading them and believing W when she said they were no big deal. Last summer, W and I were having a lot of problems and separation was discussed. W came up with the idea of signing the separation papers 'just in case'. DDay was one week after we signed them, guess I was the fool. Talk about convenient timing. I stayed in the house as long as I could, but the restraining order pretty much took care of my chances of staying in the house. W cant get, or wont, get a job because of so many reasons (the kids are too young, I don't have enough experience, I need your health insurance, I need to get my MBA first, there are no good paying jobs right now, the economy is too slow, I just had surgery, I have my obligations to the kids, etc). My atty said that for now, it would be difficult to get the separation papers modified, but, if we do go to D, then I can ask for a reduction in support, citing the fact that she has a degree, has held a job in the past, and the kids are old enough now where she doesn't need to be there for them 24/7. <p>I think everyone is correct with the Plan B advice. But, I don't know if I can do a full blown Plan B yet. I promised W that I would help her out after the surgery, but by the way she is behaving, I don't think she really needs my help, just a free babysitter. I have also agreed to do some unfinished landscaping (for a fee) so I cant completely break off all contact. <p>Last night I told W that this situation has become unbearable for me and I need to get out of it. She asked what that meant, I told her that starting next week, we will have a better visitation schedule and I will no longer be hanging around the house doing domestic things, except for the landscaping work that I said I would do. I also told her that since I have to get a second job, I will no longer be able to see the kids as much as I would like and she will have to start taking care of them more. Her only reply was "So I guess that means you wont be taking me out for lunch next week?" That's it, no sorry it has to be like this, no cant we talk about this, just this self-centered reply. I cant Plan A anymore, just being around her makes me realize everything that I have lost, everything that I have had taken away from me, and for what? So she can continue to live in her fantasy land, living in denial, thinking that everyone is just going to kiss and make up, forgive and forget, it doesn't work that way, at least not in real life.<p>So today, she calls me at work and starts telling me about all her aches and pains from the surgery, pretty much discounting what I told her last night. A while back she told me that because I love her so much, all she has to do is whistle and I will come running back to her. I honestly think she has that attitude, that it doesn't matter what happens, I'll always run back to her. Guess again.<p>I really am at the end of the line, I cant pretend anymore. I spent 14 years busting my back-side to build a comfortable life for me and my family. W and I decided after our 1st was born that she should stay at home and be a full-time mom. It was tough, but I worked hard and sacrificed a lot to make sure that we were secure financially. And now I have to start all over, I have nothing, I have to start from square one and fight my way out of this hole again. No, I wasn't the best husband in the world, I have made a lot of mistakes, I took W for granted. But, does that justify all the crap W has done to me? And what about the kids, what did they do to deserve this? The night of DDay (8 mos ago) I told W that I would support her and help her through this and I have been waiting patiently by. The whole time she continued to see OM, accepted his proposal for marriage, took him into our home as a husband and basically lived like a husband and wife would. Yet she would always tell me what a miserable SOB he was, how he mistreated her, how he used her, and still she continued. And now she says the A is over but they are just friends, why should I believe that?<p>I cant take the lip-service anymore, something concrete needs to happen, W needs to prove herself through her actions. How can she claim to love me, claim to still feel such a strong connection to me, and yet treat me so badly, or does she just feel that strong connection to my paycheck? I find myself having to look deeper and deeper into my heart to find the love I once had for her, it really seems to be fading everyday. Yes, I do fulfill some of her EN's when I do things around the house, but doesn't that simply make me a handyman working for free? I'm fighting Plan B because I honestly think that if I do it again, it will be because I have realized I don't love her anymore, the M will be over and it will be time to move on.
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

LHS:<p>"No, I wasn't the best husband in the world, I have made a lot of mistakes, I took W for granted. But, does that justify all the crap W has done to me?"<p>We all have problems and can take blame for bad situations - some of it deserved, some of it not. What has to happen is one party on one side of the "fight" has to say STOP! You're doing your best with your plan A/plan B efforts. Keep at it (but it sounds like plan B, if you can do it, would be called for now).<p>Too bad countries can't just say STOP (thinking of Israel/Palestine, for example). Hatred and bitterness feed on themselves and can only get worse through continued retaliation. This is true of Rs, too.

LHS,<p>I don't know if you are seeking counseling but I would consider it. I have followed your story since you came here. I have watched your W file false police reports, get false restraining orders, lie to you about OM, lie to you about her surgery and need for help. You have said she lied to you about the separation.<p>So let me tell you some truths based on what I see from your posts.<p>1. You need a new lawyer. She is and had an affair and that often means the separation agreement can be amended based on her lies to you.<p>2. You need to strongly consider filing for divorce. I think immediate plan B is necessary, but I also think you have no hope of restoring this marriage in its current form. She has you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. If you don't have the backbone for Plan B or divorce, then you can probably stop worrying about things. THey are not going to change. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>3. You have done this for 8 months, and you still haven't figured out that she has had no reason to tell you the truth. She has had her way all along.<p>I realize this isn't an MB approach, but MB is about giving your marriage the best chance for recovery. I don't see any recovery, just a man being used by his (in name only) W.<p>Go to plan B now. Get a competent lawyer NOW. Get the support reduce, because if you don't, you might as well be divorced because you aren't going to see your W or your kids very much. You will be working.<p>What you haven't figure out yet, is that what is good for you, is also good for your children. Your W is a mess and will again go back into her ways of ignoring them, perhaps hurting herself as well.<p>Save yourself so you can save your children. Plan B, get separation agreement changed based on false information from W. Get a good lawyer and start to seriously consider a divorce. Your children are not being helped by her at this point. She is not the mother she once was.<p>Sorry, to be so blunt, and so negative, but sometimes it is time to call as spade a spade. I think in your case it may well be that time.<p>I apologize LHS, but I don't see Plan A working, I have my doubts about Plan B, but that is where you should be NOW.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

You're getting screwed ... without KY jelly! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Get superior legal representation ... your kids are counting on YOU .... when you lose all your rights as a dad, your kids lose their only stable parent.<p>Pray your WW gets well, both mentally and physically .... but do your praying at a distance while your kids live with you as much as possible. This is not said in anger at your WW ... but in fear for you and your family.<p>Your kids are going to suffer unless you get your butt in gear and come up with a better arrangement than that!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

LHS,<p>Sorry to hear that your W is manipulating you again. When a WS abuses the loving actions of the Bs, then it's plan B time. <p>Right now who is important in your life? Children? U? W? in that order? Hope so. <p>So check out your legal options. JL is blunt and rightly so. I can feel your pain just reading your posts. <p>Take care of yourself. Your W is not that helpless. If she is, she would not be galavanting around town with OMs friends or no friends. <p>Take Care,
L.