The #1 problem in my M is lack of communication. <p>I know this is not unusual, but my H and I are both conflict avoiders, so the problem may be worse than usual. I also have a hard time communicating my feelings, but I am trying and dealing with this. <p>I know that our M won't survive unless we learn how to communicate to eachother. <p>The problem I am having is that getting my H to communicate with me is like pulling teeth. He really has a hard time talking about his feelings. I know this is considered normal, but it seems to be so much harder for him. (I remember waiting 5 minutes for an answer to one straight forward question.)<p>I understand it's hard to talk about the A, but I'm referring to everyday, normal life stuff. He doesn't tell me when something is bothering him. He doesn't tell me how bad his day really was. Etc.<p>I am not an aggressive person. I do not yell or scream. I have been very cautious as to how I approach him as I am aware of how difficult it is for him to open up.<p>I read a comment from a BH saying that he is scared to discuss the A and relationship issues with his W and that he knows he needs to do this and is now trying. I think my H is scared to talk to me. <p>So, I am asking you, how do I get/help my H communicate with me?<p>I have been initiating all of the communication and because it's so hard to get him to talk, it's wearing me out.<p>Any advice/comments would be appreciated. Thanks.<p>H&S

If you figure this one out, please let me know. It was lack of communication, I believe, that led to H's A. I think he was raised to believe that men don't talk about their feelings (although he is not afraid to discuss positive feelings). And I am a big conflict avoider, always have been a people-pleaser. To put it bluntly, I'd rather gloss over a problem and pretend it's not there.
I can't really do that now. I guess after a situation gets to a certain point, there's no pretending anymore.<p>Gee, I wonder why we're in this situation, huh?<p>So anyway, if you find a way to get your H to talk, maybe it would work for mine.<p>I wish you luck...sorry I didn't help much...

If you figure this one out, please let me know. It was lack of communication, I believe, that led to H's A. I think he was raised to believe that men don't talk about their feelings (although he is not afraid to discuss positive feelings). And I am a big conflict avoider, always have been a people-pleaser. To put it bluntly, I'd rather gloss over a problem and pretend it's not there.
I can't really do that now. I guess after a situation gets to a certain point, there's no pretending anymore.<p>Gee, I wonder why we're in this situation, huh?<p>So anyway, if you find a way to get your H to talk, maybe it would work for mine.<p>I wish you luck...sorry I didn't help much...

H&S -
Very similar situations indeed! Anyway, I used admiration. Starting with easy how was your day stuff, I asked questions, then agreed with him, sympathized with him, always trying to create a "safe" conversation. I even told him I wished I could be more like him in ways. It is still an issue for us but we actually tackle some serious stuff now. We are far from over this, but I did notice a change in H's willingness to talk. What do you think?

dani1990<p>Thank you for your reply. It is a problem in many marriages, isn't it. At least we now know how important communication is and how bad things can get if you don't talk. Hopefully it will get easier and easier as time goes on.<p>I'm glad your H discusses positive feelings. It's a good start. Good luck.<p>H&S

Twinkles,<p>Sounds good. I really am working on the "safe" part of it and think I'm succeeding.<p>I like your admiration approach. I'm not very good at giving warm fuzzies (it's something else I'm working on) so I think this approach might work. <p>I have been agreeing with him and sympathizing with him. I've also been careful not to criticize (sp?) or make negative comments.<p>The good thing is that we both realize now we need to discuss things. We can't just let it go. It'll only make things worse.<p>But even with this knowledge and all of my efforts, it's still soo hard to get him to talk. Maybe the MC will help? Only time will tell.<p>H&S

As a male the hardest thing I found to deal with in our marriage was that after I came home from work, and sat down with my wife, she would commonly start to talk about things that happened in her day, and normally they were not good things. I found that immediately my senses were arounsed and I thought she was looking for me to fix her problem. I suggest something, but she never seemed to want to do the things I suggested, therfore I got lost in not knowing if I should offer advice to her, and not knowing that I should just listen sometimes. If I could offer any advice I would say in conversation with your husband find some good things to talk about that come out of your life, let him know you are a positive person, also when you are talking about things that happen, if talking about things that deal with negative emotions start your conversation letting him know you need some advice on something, or that you need to blow off some steam and are just looking for someone to listen. You will need to find ways to lead into these types of conversation, but if he feels more comfortable talking to you because he dosen't feel something is wrong that he needs to fix, it makes it alot easier to listen. The first place my mind goes when I hear any one asks me a question is how do I fix this, unless they are talking about something good. I don't talk about my feelings alot unless something is really wrong, not saying this is correct. I find it easier to talk about politics, bikes, sports, or work because they are all facts or opinions, and you don't need to solve anything because its all out of our hands.

Yep this is common. <p>Men and women are basically very different, we think and communicate differently. Women communicate mostly through words and men through action. Women want to talk out every thing till we are blue in the face and we really only want people to listen to us and nod their heads. Men go to their cave and work it out on their own. If they talk to anyone about a problem it is because they are seeking that person’s advice. This is paraphrased from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”<p>I found a wonderful book recently on this topic. It’s helped me tremendously. Getting Through to the Man You Love.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Like twinkles, I used admiration. It was explained to me that it was like putting gas in the car, you had to put the gas in 1st or the car would not go.<p>I read a great book "difficult conversations" I don't have the book right here but will get the authors name. It breaks down conversations like I had never seen before.<p>Another thing that I did was take a tempramental analysis test for me & did one as I thought WH would answer at this site: URL=http://www.lifecoachinginternational.net]life coaching[/URL]
This gave me information on my WH 's style. I began to communicate the way HE takes it in.<p>Good topic!

Oops - one more thing - the book men are from mars & women from venus - not the original one, but the version geared to long standing relationships has been helpful as well.<p>Like so many of us, I have a huge library of books at this point! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Lost in space,<p>You've given some great advice. Thanks.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> As a male the hardest thing I found to deal with in our marriage was that after I came home from work, and sat down with my wife, she would commonly start to talk about things that happened in her day, and normally they were not good things. I found that immediately my senses were arounsed and I thought she was looking for me to fix her problem. I suggest something, but she never seemed to want to do the things I suggested, therfore I got lost in not knowing if I should offer advice to her, and not knowing that I should just listen sometimes. <hr></blockquote><p>This is how I behaved. I think I was looking for attention. The poor me routine. (It helps hearing how the other side reacts.) Now, I try to be more postitive. <p>I know that my H also wants to fix things. So I'm also careful in what I say to try to avoid that. I know I need to work on being positive.<p>Thanks,
H&S<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</p>

zorweb,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I found a wonderful book recently on this topic. It’s helped me tremendously. Getting Through to the Man You Love. <hr></blockquote><p>This was going to be my next question. Thanks. There's another book I'm interested in. I forgot the title but something about walls and getting throught to your H. Any ideas? I have a wish list for books, and I think it's around $500 now. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks,
H&S<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</p>

AbandonedDad,<p>I'm sorry. I didn't clue in that this might be difficult for some. I can understand how communication is hard for you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> OK, I'll tell you one thing that really freezes me is when she demands that I tell her my opinion about something when I have no ready-made finished opinion - when I don't think I know enough about it to have an opinion - or when I think it just is none of my business and I have better things to think about. <hr></blockquote><p>I think this is how my H feels sometimes. He really thinks before he speaks. I, on the other hand, would just say what I was thinking. This has caused us problems in the past. I'd say something that bothered him and I would hear about it like two weeks later. But there comes a time when you overthink, I think. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there,
H&S

WillGetThruThis,<p>Thank you for your reply. I feel honoured. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> This gave me information on my WH 's style. I began to communicate the way HE takes it in. <hr></blockquote><p>This is what I'm looking for. Thanks.<p>I'm reading The Dance of connection. Have you read this? <p>There's soo many books I want. I told my H to check my wish list as Mothers Day is coming up.<p>Thanks,
H&S

I want you to know that letting the man know how you feel be it good or bad is very important. I would not have wanted my wife to stop talking, but because I didn't have tha ability to know if she wanted me to fix the problem or just listen to her vent, I was confused. I approached all conversations in a way that as I listened I had a solution to the problem, at first I voiced them, then I started to keep them inside. Eventually I think she thought I didn.t care because I didn't voice a solution, and most times the conversation didn't need a solution. If somehow through her talking, and my listening we could have set out the criteria as I said to identify if a problem existed that needed a solution or if she just needed to talk and have me listen, things would have went alot better. Everyone needs to talk about good and bad things, it just seems when we first see our spouses we talk about the bad things before the good things, at least it seemed like that in my home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Sad:
<strong>
I think this is how my H feels sometimes. He really thinks before he speaks. I, on the other hand, would just say what I was thinking. This has caused us problems in the past.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H & S,

One other thing to avoid. If you H offers an spontaneous opinion - not his final answer but just off the top of his head - don't throw it back at him a month later saying "but you said...".

If H says one day X and another day says Y. Don't pick one of them and say "Now I know what you really think!" Just accept that his thinking on the subject is not settled or that sometimes he sees the subject in different lights.

Also, let him finish speaking his piece before you react to what he is saying. This is very important.

Finally (yay!), listen carefully. Don't jump to conclusions when he isn't finished speaking. Don't make assumptions. Don't question his motives in expressing his opinion.

All of these things are targeted toward making it safe for him to talk. If that is not the problem, it probably won't make any difference. But my guess is that it is at least part of the problem.

Oh yes, and one more. If you ask a question, wait for him to answer. If it's not important enough to wait for his considered response, don't ask. Don't ask another question while he is still trying to answer the first. Don't change the subject while he is still trying to answer the first question. You get the idea. If you want him to talk, you have to listen.

And yet another...
Men are often task-oriented. Answering your question is a task. A man gains satisfaction by completing tasks. If you interrupt him or don't listen to his answer he will feel frustration because he cannot complete the task. After awhile, he will not attempt that kind of task because it leads to frustration rather than satisfaction.

Good luck.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:16 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

H&S,<p>It is clear you need to read ONE book. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It is called Men Made Easy, by a lady named Oh. <p>Seriously, I am a guy and I stumbled upon this book one time on a trip. It is a thin book, as you might imagine [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] , but it is sort of a twelve step thing.<p>Actually, the title just made me laugh so I bought it. I think she has some very good points. One I have mentioned here many times and I will tell you.<p>It is on how to get men to talk. Basically, her suggestion is when talking about emotions, feelings, stuff like that; the women needs to realize ONE thing. Men usually don't talk abou the subject, so it takes them time to find the words and phrases to express themselves. Her observation is that men don't find this easy or comfortable. Her recommendation: when you ask him a question on a topic such as this, give him time to answer. In fact, don't say another thing to him until he does. It may actually take several minutes (which seems like forever), but he will answer.<p>I thought that advice fairly perceptive. If you ask men about something they converse about all of the time, sports, cars, finance, yard work, we can give you quick, accurate, and yes even good answers. You ask us how we are feeling [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] , then that is going to take some thought, because we DON'T talk about our feelings.<p>My personal pet peeve is when my W asks for my opinion and the tells me that is wrong because basically she knows the answer. My comment to her is if you know the answer you want then don't ask me. But she frequently does this.<p>I also think that if women would preface their comments it would help. I often hear my W start out a conversation in the middle of some situation (sort of like a Russian novel) and I don't have a clue what the heck she is talking about. To make it worse there is no indication if I can ask questions (I do a lot of that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) or she needs a solution,or she just wants to talk.<p>If she would start me out, with I want you to listen to what happened or I do/don't need advice, and then tell me what she is going to talk about,life would be much smoother.<p>She claims I am too analytical, perhaps I am, but I sort of like to know who or what we are talking about before answering her or joining the conversation.<p>My main advice: give him time to answer. AND then tell him who the he/she is that your are talking about. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you all for the great advice. I've been following it as best as I can, and guess what - my H actually initiated a converation last night. <p>He started talking about the A and our M! He's noticed the changes I've made and the effort I've been putting in. He's thankful I've found MB and he's optimistic about our future and learning how to make our M strong and keeping it strong. We had a great heart to heart, and it was so much easier than before. I didn't have to pull any teeth!<p>Lost in space - Thanks again. I've always found it hard to express my anger, disappointment, frustration etc. Then this would build up inside of me and the resentment would grow until I reached my breaking point. Now I know I need to discuss these things and more importantly, how to discuss it.<p>AbandonedDad - <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Men are often task-oriented. Answering your question is a task. A man gains satisfaction by completing tasks. If you interrupt him or don't listen to his answer he will feel frustration because he cannot complete the task. After awhile, he will not attempt that kind of task because it leads to frustration rather than satisfaction.<hr></blockquote> <p>I was doing this. And I realized by his actions that it upset him, and yes, then he would stop talking. Sometimes it's soo hard not to jump in, but I'm working on it. Thanks.<p>Just Learning - Thanks. Yet another book to add to my wish list. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> It is on how to get men to talk. Basically, her suggestion is when talking about emotions, feelings, stuff like that; the women needs to realize ONE thing. Men usually don't talk abou the subject, so it takes them time to find the words and phrases to express themselves. Her observation is that men don't find this easy or comfortable. Her recommendation: when you ask him a question on a topic such as this, give him time to answer. In fact, don't say another thing to him until he does. It may actually take several minutes (which seems like forever), but he will answer. <hr></blockquote><p>I never thought about it this way. So simple and so true.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I also think that if women would preface their comments it would help. I often hear my W start out a conversation in the middle of some situation (sort of like a Russian novel) and I don't have a clue what the heck she is talking about. To make it worse there is no indication if I can ask questions (I do a lot of that ) or she needs a solution,or she just wants to talk. <hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Funny and true. I can tell right away by my H's expression, that he has no clue what I'm talking about. So then I slow down and start over again.<p>
Thanks again,
H&S

H&S,
A timely discussion....Hubby & I just had our "talk about talking" yesterday. This really must be a common problem!<p>Definitely read "Men are from Mars" and I also recommend "Relationship Rescue". The Relationship Values are the basis for good communciation.<p>I agree with the whole "fix it" concept. I have to verbally tell Hubby "I just need to vent. I don't want you to fix anything, I just need you to listen."<p>These are the most important talking rules that my husband requested:
Time limit on talk (very important to him)
Define issue clearly in beginning (no long building up to it)
Bring up issue in timely manner (not 2 weeks after it happened)<p>My most important talking rules:
Validate feelings
Respect & Consideration
Honesty & Truth
Vulnerability
Agree to Disagree
No threats
Take responsibility for your actions and apologize when wrong.
Even though you're angry make sure spouse knows you love them.<p>This communication stuff is hard work!! Hang in there and don't give up! (We didn't finish our talk yet because of the time limit.....oh, and don't forget to add "no ignoring and non-answers"
to the list!)<p>JJ