Wow, contacting the OW, I think this is a tricky situation. <p>Several months after d-day, a counselor suggested that I contact OW. The MC claimed that OP often deludes themselves into thinking that the spouse does not really exist, and contact might bring some reality into her life. Up to that point I wasn't even interested in knowing her name. But it was pretty easy to find her number (H's cell), so I left her a short respectful message: I love my husband I want our marriage please don't try to build your happiness on my misery and the misery of my children.<p>I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do or not. It made her feel guilty, but it also opened the door for her to come into MY life. Bizarrely she came to see us as compadres and co-victims of my H. She came by my house and called me to "apologize" after H ended things in Dec. Then after H went back to her in Jan. and ended things again in Feb. she called me to commiserate (!??!). I'm not sorry I did it, but I don't think it was worth the trouble. It made me more a part of the triangle than I wanted to be. <p>New MC has repeatedly suggested that women who get involved with MM are often working out their own issues. Such as winning daddy to get back at mother, or disliking men and marriage and proving their own case by breaking up a marriage. New MC also pointed out that a wowman who gets involved with a MM is unlikely to be moved by issues of morality.<p>As for getting info. from OW, I know others feel differently, but I think you should be very cautious. 1) you could never believe her, and 2) IMO the fewer ugly images you have in your mind the fewer hurdles to overcome should you reconcile. The way I looked at it, my H was having sex with someone else, what difference did it make where or how or how often. The fact of the affair was awful enough without the details. I say keep your dignity, this woman doesn't deserve your time!

Odile & Sticking w/it,<p>Thank you both for the words of caution. But I'm still stuck on the fact that I know he's lying about things when I ask him ( because of the inconsistencies ). How will I ever know what I'm supposed to recover from? Just accept what he tells me when I know it does'nt make sense?! Everyone is right when they say, this OW is not my friend, truly she is not. But I guess I need some guidance on where else can I turn to get information about what really went on? They had a lot of their correspondence thru e-mails and my H destroyed any trace of them. Where else can I turn to get my questions answered?

Hi again -
It seems to me the torture you're going through is what we all go through - the life you thought you were sure of, the solid ground beneath your feet has turned into quicksand, and you are frantic to find where the potholes are. The man you loved and trusted has turned out to have an amazing ability to lie through his teeth. You are a swimming pool of questions and insecurity, and what you want most of all is answers, even if they are painful. You want the truth.<p>I felt this way all the time, at first - desperate to know what was REALLY happening. Because this is the 2nd time my H has established an "infatuation" with a younger woman, and because he had lied to me about the first one, I wasn't prepared to believe him about anything this time, and I set to spying on him at every opportunity. I found a way into his e-mail account and watched their e-mails over 2 1/2 months. He code-locked his mobile so I couldn't get into that (he still has it locked). I saw a lawyer, and I printed out all his e-mails and those copies are with my lawyer in case I ever need them. In my case, I reached my limit and asked him to leave just before Easter. It was only then that he realized I was dead serious. That was my case - I'm not sure it's the right thing to do for everyone. It was then he admitted he has a problem and he got himself into counselling, which he has started and all I know is he is positive about it. I am still with him only because he is in counselling - I feel I have to give him time to try to get somewhere with himself. And while he is doing this, I am concentrating on the positive and staying off the issue of the A. In order to do this, I have decided I no longer wish to spy on him at this time.<p>I know he is still in contact with and seeing the OW. But it is too destructive for me to see what they say to each other. The pain I feel when I see what they say to each other is so great, it makes me forget about what I need to do for myself and my children. If he lies to me, so be it - that's the man he is choosing to be. I want a husband who loves me and who I don't have to spy on. He is now on a timeline, but he doesn't know it. What I said to him at Easter was this - "you have made your choices all the way along the line, and now I'm making mine". I am still on that course.<p>I am working on me right now. I found out all I needed to know, and don't need to torture myself any more for now. I still feel desperately anxious some days - and the time will come when have to confront this issue of trust and honesty more openly and directly - but I am praying that I will be able to do that in MC, instead of on my own.<p>Have you "snooped" - put surveillance software on the computer, found out his password, made tape recordings of his phone conversations? You can go this route, but remember, it is extraordinarily painful and you will have to make rules for yourself if you do this - you will NOT act on what you find without giving yourself time to think about it - Redhat and others have a lot of good advice about this. It can become obsessive and make you feel even more miserable every day. But it can provide you with some of the painful answers. Some WS only "wake up" to reality when they are confronted with the hard evidence and realize they've been caught red-handed and can't lie their way out of it. FormerHopelessOne has also been of help to me in this respect - look for her threads in here.<p>I am praying for you - you WILL get thru this.<p>Odile

P.S. - There's a thread over on Just Found Out titled Snooping by cwmac - I think you would find reading this and his replies helpful.<p>This site has been so helpful to me - helping me to control my reactions to things - to try to stay positive. I know you will find lots of support here while you need it.<p>God bless,
Odile

Odile,<p>Thanks so much for your words of support. I really needed it. I will be reading the posts you suggested, as I'm hoping for any insight I get can into this.<p>Angel

Hi Angel, I agree with Odile and SWI. There comes a point when you've got to get over finding out what they've been up to or are up to and focus on you. See, the way I see it, I'm recovering from my husbands lies and breaking the trust. I'm also recovering from the needs we weren't fullfilling for each other in the marriage. For him that was SF and me trying to control him. I'm working out now what I need from him, and trying to improve myself for either him or my next H.<p>I make a concious decision everyday to not worry about what he does/did with OW, because its not the problem. As a wise old man once told me (sorry WAT, I'll lay off the old) she's just a symptom of the real problem.

Here's my 2 cents:<p>I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, go to the OW to learn the "truth"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who has the most pressure to be honest with you? The OW or your husband? And if he's not fessing up, what on earth makes you think the OW will? Does the OW know that you know about the A? My OW doesn't know, and I want to keep it that way. My H still sees her every day at work, and sometimes the 2 of them have to ride together alone to job sites etc. He says they never speak. Kind of an awkward silence. She apologized to him twice, the week following him breaking it off (I think she was hoping to start the A back up) She's asked him if I knew after 3 months of his distant behavior because she said it's like someone else is telling him what to say or do. (her ego is hurt that she can't pull him back in!) His response was that I might have put some things together but the reason he won't talk to her is because he doesn't want to take a chance of anything starting back up. (to which she got mad!) I think she's to a point right now that she's fixing to blow her top and give him a good cussing out because she's been trying to win him back with kindness etc. and he's just ignoring her. She's got to have the control and by blowing her top she (in her mind) can be the one who ultimately "broke it off." Now, with her in this frame of mind, do you really think contacting her right now would help me in any way? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Instead she would probably be so angry that she would say anything and everything to hurt me, hurt him, hurt our marriage. Not to mention attacking me personally. NO THANKS, I'LL PASS.

Seahorse,<p>Thanks again for your reply. I guess I still don't see how focusing on me is going to improve the marriage. If work I to become the best me I can be, work very hard to not commit LB's and meet my H's EN's, how does that improve my marriage if my H is still being unfaithful? He's getting his needs met ( with me and OW). I will be married to a lie and a cheat, which definitely is a LB for me. I don't see how I can blindly accept anything he tells me and 'not worry if it's a lie or not. His lies affect my life! How can I pretend that what he says or does has no meaning for me when clearly it does......Help me out here...I'm lost.