It's been a week that I have really trying not to LB. H has shown not one ounce of feeling anything extra toward me. He is civil and polite and that's it. No extra phone calls, nothing. In fact, tonight he asked about changing the kid's weekend schedule. Everything has been set. He said it was to accomadate Mother's Day and Father's Day. But I believe it's because he'll have the kids two weekends in a row now because of an outing with my son. He now wants to do the first and third of each month -I suspect to match OW's schedule. I feel like he is already starting to give up time with the kids to be with her. The other morning was the first time ever he did not return kid's phone calls and I suspect it was because he was at her house.It's not looking good, folks.
Thoughts?

CS,
I sorry to hear about this. But have faith!<p>I know it seems like forever, but it's been just a short time, and these things take time. Your H is in a fog that does not let him see what he's doing, so you must hold yourself together for both of you.<p>Have you read Dr. Harley's books? Explored the marriagebuilders web-site; articles, Q&A section? It's important that you do that. You will find comfort in learning about these terrible things, and it will help make you stronger and better, which is what you need to do right now.<p>It seems odd, or counter-intuitive, but you must try to let go of your WH, and take care of yourself first. You must start making yourself stronger, better, and only then will you be able to start the process of saving your M.<p>Get couseling for yourself, and anti-depressants if you need them. You have a long road ahead and you will find a lot of information, suggestions, and support here.<p>Just a few short months ago, I was feeling much the same as you, and I have been able to make great strides. Pretty soon, you'll start seeing the changes in you, and you'll start feeling better. Hang in there!

Thanks for reply. The scary thing I am going to counseling, am on antidepress, am moving forward with aspects of my life. I just want him once to say, "I miss you" or something. I think he is so detached from me..there's no going back. Should I change the weekends knowing the others he can now spend with OW since she's off those weekends?

I know this will sound harsh... but one week is NOTHING!<p>...it took MONTHS! I remember reading the veterans stories last year and was just HORIFIED when they wrote of 3 months... 6 months... 9 months... 1 year... 2 years...<p>YOU HAVE TO TAKE FOCUS OFF YOUR H and his affair... <p>The only thing you can fix IS YOUR HALF OF THE RELATIONSHIP. You only have control over you. Take stock of who you are and what you need... WITH OR WITHOUT HIM... <p>I also started seeing an individual counselor... I didn't feel it necessary... but felt I had to do something... WOW... she has helped me tremendously!<p>Hugs, can't sleep... I know... believe me, I know how hard this is... just do a search on my member # and read some of my posts from this time last year... I know the despair you are feeling...<p>Draw strength from God and post your questions and feelings here... that's what got me through...<p>Hugs,
Cali

Thanks. It doesn't seem possible now. When we were talking about weekends regarding kids, he talked out as far as next year. He has no plans of returning. I appreciate your encouragement. what about changing those weekends?

What's in the separation agreement?<p>It doesn't hurt you to be accomodating... but you could inquire about the change... what if you had already committed to being busy on the weekends already scheduled?<p>This might be a question to ask on the Divorced/Divorcing boards... as I have little experience w/ visitation...<p>Cali

cant sleep, <p>You have got to start focusing on you and your chldren. You cannot control your H and/or his behaviours. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to. Once you understand that, you'll see how much easier it is.<p>Think about where you are now. What have you been doing? Were has it gotten you? Have you moved forward? <p>Once again, you need to focus on you and your children. Try to be strong. I know you can do it.<p>You have been given such great advice here at MB. Read, listen and follow what these people are telling you. They know what they're talking about.<p>I don't mean to be hard on you, but you need to start moving in the right direction.<p>There are lots of people here offering you encouragement and support, and whenever you need it, they'll continue to be here.<p>Stay strong,
H&S<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Hurt & Sad ]</p>

While I do agree with the good folks here at MB, I say don't change the weekends even if it is an LB, you don't have to help him cheat.

H&S: I am truly trying to follow the advice and yes, I am having a hard time focussing on myself and not H's A. It drives me crazy. Truly trying...and I do need some strong encouragement [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] to move on. The past wk is the most in control I've felt since H left. I haven't had any angry outbursts, etc., attended IC, continued on antidep., and worked out 2x (new and different for me), and made plans to go to a Parents w/o Parnters mtg. I just wish I felt better about things..
Cali: I did go back and read some of your old posts. I mostly got answers to your posts but they were helpful. One long one from a WS was good to read. Our sep. agmt just says every other weekend. I guess it doesn't matter if I give him the weekends that he needs to see her..maybe it'll end faster? HopefullY? Maybe one of those weekends I will have already committed. Good idea.
Thanks for replies.

Hey... going to Parents w/out Partners is a TERRIFIC idea...<p>A veteran poster, mthrrhbard, did that and recommended it to me... it really bothered her H that she was moving on... <p>mthrrhbard's story<p>Hugs,
Cali

I recommend that you not try to interrupt any plans your H has to be with OW because soon she will probably be pressuring him for more commitment to her- thats what OW did to my H and the more she pressed for it the more HOME began to look better to him! I remember thinking how hopeless things seemed at the 6 wk point of H being out of the house- but eventually OW began to LB and I wasn't so that turned the tides. lifeismessy

I had a semi-healthy day! I proposed to H that we try original visitation sched. for 6 months and any weekends or nights he needed off- I was willing to help. I was upbeat..told him everyday was getting better and I am putting things together for the future (which I am). And I was committed to co-parenting with him, etc. He thanked me. So, it ended well with both of us happy, I think. I suspect OW was putting the pressure on yesterday. Anyway, I wanted to report something positive.
Night!

Hi<p>I joined PWOP. It just felt good getting out of the house. I would get my H to take the kids on those nights. I didn't tell H I joined PWOP. Just told him it was a support group. I can remember packing up a bag, with gym clothes, water bottle etc....I wasn't necessarily going to be using those items. Just made it look like I was out have some good athletic fun. That was different for me.<p>
So you know, I was seperated for 18 months. He swore that he was NEVER, EVER, coming back. Things change and peoples feelings change.<p>About changing visitation with him. What would be your motivation to NOT change it? If you, personally have no objection to, I would do it. You may need the same courtesy from him one day.<p>I am also a believer, in that the more time they spend with OW, the sooner the affair will start to take a dive. You know, real life situations.

My motivation to not change visitation was control, feeling manipulated by H once more for the OW, and liking the schedule we set-up. I think it'll be OK -although now there'll be four nights this week he won't be able to see OW overnight (there's still lunch, afternoon, etc.). As said earlier, it is so counter-intutitive (sp) to let him go so easily to OW. But it does make sense. I hope she's not using the same strategy that I am.
18mths separated...how are things now?
Bye.