Ok so my WH had an A in 10/01 it has been really rough says that he is not in love with me it is over etc.. it has been a huge roller coaster ride and most of it not good.. I have been blamed for basically everything and basically put through hell - while all of the way trying to hold on because I do not know who he is right now??? The OW is out of the picture but there is a questionable relationship that I found out about going on with the neighbor.. But I don't know what to believe - But here is the question - he has been basically fence sitting - sadprincess wrote about him in the recovery questions - looking for fence sitter advice - So we have been going back n forth about a divorce - should we stay here because of the kids etc.. Now the question - I have asked him to leave for a 3 month seperation because he says if I asked him today he would want the divorce - but he doesn't know if maybe in 3 months he might realize he made a huge mistake a want to try to make it work?? So the problem is that we have someone who wants to buy our house - it isn't even on the market yet - Do I cut my losses and sell and move on my life with my two girls who are 9 and 12 - or do I give him 3 months to see if maybe he will realize that he is giving about an awful lot??? He is so confused most of the time ??? I just don't know if I can sell and move on and not always wonder well maybe he might have come around??? Any suggestions?????

maw,<p>don't know you well enough to answer. have you had counseling? have you done a good plan A?

Starfish -Well I have been in counseling for about 3 months he went to one session by himself but never went back.. it is just so hard knowing when enough is enough - No we never had a good plan A - I turned into a very insecure, snooping, non trusting person and he turned into a selfish mean person - doing things intentionally to hurt me so I would leave him alone.. Everyone basically says why are you putting yourself through this and why are up putting up with it... He did leave for about 3 weeks before but he says I made him come home and he is not happy at home.. I just don't know that if this point 3 months would make a huge difference or am I just prolonging the enivatable.. He has really never shown any great remorse over the whole situation it was basically - I did it, I told you , now get over it... Type of attitude - Thanks anyways...

I think separation is a good thing. If you act "as if" your divorced you (and him) will be able to get a better picture of what divorce will really be like. You can imagine what it will be like but until you live it day after day you really have no idea. You have to count the costs before divorcing and you can't do that without all the facts. During those three months get in individual counseling for yourself. Separation also allows you to think more clearly because him and his confusion and the confusion he brings into your life is not in your house.<p>IMHO I do not recommend selling your house (if you can afford to stay there). Your kids need some sort of stability and consistancy in their life and a move and separation can be hard on them (although not impossible if finances is an issue)<p>This comment: No we never had a good plan A - I turned into a very insecure, snooping, non trusting person... I want you to realize those things about yourself that you mentioned are not BAD things. Snooping is necessary during the rebuilding of marriage. Not trusting an untrustworthy person is a WISE choice. And feeling insecure in the relationship is a natural consequence to his actions. The fact that he was mean in return should motivate you to want a separation. <p>3 months WILL make a huge difference. When making a lifetime decision (divorce) you need to make sure you have thought things through. <p>I'm really sorry for your pain. This is a hard thing to go through. Read my signature line, me and my H are in recovery and I am telling you it is good. I have grown through the trials, I have changed. I am not the same naive person I once was. I have strong boundaries and consequences and I know what I want in my marriage. My H can join me in recovery or leave. It doesn't matter to me - I'm happy with or without him. Your H will either choose to get better and be a better H or choose to find someone else who is naive that he can run all over. But it is NOT you anymore!

luvnprotectme - thank you - that is what I think a decision that is that live altering shouldn't be made hastily and I think that I have to know in my heart that I have given it my all... Everyone is so quick to tell me to dump him - how much can you put up with and that is fine but I do love him - I just don't know who he is right now at all.. I can afford for him to live somewhere else for about three months and hopefully like you said we will have a clearer picture at that time.. And the funny thing is that he doesn't think he is confused he thinks that it is me... he definately is screwed up.. I just can't let someone go forever when in one sentence he says he wants a divorce then in the next sentence he says that in three months who knows what he will want??? Right??? You have certainly been through alot and I wish you and your husband a great recovery and my plan for the next three months is to work on myself and make myself realize that yes I want him in my life but no I do not need him in it to survive - thank you again for your advice - and I look forward to more from other people...