For anyone who doesn't know my story, its posted under JFO.
WH and I have been in recovery for 2 mos. WH is reading Bible and praying with me, has had no contact, and is totally accountable. Its going okay, but I don't feel that he is enthusiastic enough. I don't feel like he goes out of his way to spend quality time together, or talk about feelings. I always have to suggest we do something together, or that we talk about us, etc. If I make plans with friends, THEN he wants to spend time together. I feel like I am putting forth most of the effort. I feel frustrated because I didn't have the affair, so why do I have to constantly be the one to take the initiative? Does it ever get to the point where the WS takes the initiative? What do I do in the meantime? Some days I'm really motivated to go out of my way for WH, and other times I feel the total opposite like why should I. You'd think the fact that I'm willing to forgive and work things out would be motivation for him to go out of his way for me. Am I just being selfish? Please help.

Your feelings are normal.<p>One thing to realize is that his effort is not going to look like yours. His effort right now is being home with you, no contact with the OW, praying, being accountable. Do you realize how much effort that is? He may be focusing on those things and not have the the realization or the energy for more. Or he may not know how to carry it out.<p>If both partners do exactly the same thing, why would you need a partner?<p>A question, prior to the A, who made the plans for the 2 of you? I suspect you did. If so, the A and being in recovery doesn't usually change your set behaviors, unless you work at those as well. Old problems are still there, unless you change them.<p>Keep communicating with him. It's likely when your H has worked through his guilt & remorse, he'll be more balanced and more able to do more.

Also, realize that he is quite likely in withdrawal. I had these exact same feelings toward my wife last November, but didn't understand that she was going through W/D. If I had, I think (hope) I would have been better at helping her through it. As it is, she went back to the A - I've got to think partly because she had no help with withdrawal. Now I'd give anything to go back to the "I'm doing all the work" phase.<p>Be patient. Be strong. Let him know that you understand that this time is hard for him too. That's a hard thing to come to grips with, but it's the truth. It's their mess, they made it all by themselves, but it can be incredibly painful for them to get out of it. Show as much compassion for him as you can.

Lor and Baffled,
Thank you both so much for your insight!! I really needed a different perspective. I guess I'm just so anxious for things to get better quickly. I really do believe he is trying. I never thought about him being in withdrawal. That is a hard pill to swallow, but maybe it is true. I have a hard time looking at things from his perspective. How do you help the WS through withdrawal if that is the case?
I definitely was the one who made all plans before, so I guess it is unrealistic to expect a complete turn around on this (especially now).
I am guilty of not communicating my needs clearly.
Sometimes I feel like he should be able to read my mind (totally unrealistic), but I'm working on that.
Right now we are not in MC. When do you think is a good time to start? Our pastor suggested WH work on self first, but has only suggested a book for him to read, and has set me up with someone at church who's been through the same thing. I feel like we need more than that. We went to MC in past, but only 3 sessions, then WH didn't want to go anymore. We are both willing now, but is it best to go to IC first, or is IC always necessary?
Its just so hard some days. I feel so confused!

Hindering,
I think you can do both IC & MC. WS issues & BS issues can be very different, and the marriage is often part of the individuals' issues.<p>We were incredibly fortunate in our counselor. I started IC with him, H wouldn't go. Then after a few months, he joined me. We both did IC & MC with the C at different times.<p>Our counselor would even split sessions, me IC for 15 minutes, MC for 15, H IC to end up. Flexibility in a counselor is a good thing!<p>And, your H wanting to go to counseling is another good sign.

Lor,
The MC we went to before was very good, H just wasn't 'there' yet. I'm pretty sure we could do both there, and they'd divide up the time. It was just hard to get an appt. Maybe I'll to H about going back, and doing IC/MC.
Thanks again for the advice! Its so nice to be able to talk to someone who knows where you're coming from.