I am new to this site and trying to get your advice...I will try to put my story into a nutshell.<p>I have been married for 11 years w/4 kids. Throughout almost the whole marriage, I felt alone. My H was an alcoholic and very abusive. I did not have family or anyone that I felt that I could turn to and felt very alone. I also felt very strongly that my H had several A just nothing that was real evidence. I felt that he "kept" me very sheltered. H monitored my friends and costant whereabouts. Last year, I had an A. I found someone who met my EN, believed in me and respected me as a person. My H was always putting me down...i needed surgery to improve things, I should exercise to improve this, and in my presence would always say things about how pretty other women were. I was told that no one would ever love me or treat me the way that I wanted to be treated. I guess that is why I turned to the OM. The A lasted 2 months during which time, it was mostly a friendship. I ended the affair to work on my marriage. I had new hope (in myself). H found out about the affair the next day. For the next 4 months, I put up with more abuse (worse than before) I guess because I felt that I deserved it. Maybe I should have left the M a long time ago, but I was afraid. Afraid that BS was right, no one would love me and/or BS would come after me. I stayed. After listening to BS for those 4 months after BS first found out, I discovered that BS had an A too a long time ago. But what I really discovered was that I could finally see thru some of the stuff that BS did (intentional or not). BS was controling and abusive still. I decided to leave. It has now been at least 7 months since the A ended and I have not really seen a lot of changes in BS. We tried counseling, but all that I saw from it was someone who based success on whether or not the M remained intact (not if the individuals were happy). H discovered this site and wanted me to try posting. Says it has helped him. I think that some of you have tried to give advice, he chooses what he wants and goes with it. I have given him so many chances. I hear him all the time saying, I will change over and over, but I don't feel as though he does for longer than a day. I am trying to leave, but H would not let me have enough $ to go. So I contacted the OM for help. H found out. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry, but I just feel like this situation has got to stop and I am the one that needs to stop it. I have to stop being the victim and take action. H has now said that he would allow me to go and help me as long as no contact with OM. ok. I also feel as though he has turned the kids on me. I raised these kids, spent almost every minute with them practically being a single parent and am hurt H has done this to them. I never portrayed H badly to the kids. Always made excuses. Does anyone have any opinions or thoughts?

heartofpain - what, exactly, do you want to accomplish? Do you want to end the marriage or try to salvage it?<p>If you want to try to salvage it, start right now by having NO MORE contact with OM. Nothing else can happen until you do this.<p>Let us know what you want to do.<p>WAT

I should have added that you are welcome here and we will help you all we can if you want to restore your marriage.<p>WAT

WAT:<p>I think hop's situation sounds a bit more complicated than a WW perhaps looking for validation for continuing contact with OM. You're right, she should stop contacting him and focus on her problem, though. But since her H had an A that wasn't properly dealt with, they're both BSs and WSs at the same time. If her H is an abusive alchoholic, hop has another huge problem to deal with. <p>Does she truly want to rebuild her M? Hard to tell. She certainly needs to rebuild her self-image, though, and this site is a good one for doing that. <p>But as far as getting help from someone other than her husband? - she should see Cing and she definitely should NOT contact her OM.<p>Take care, hop, and get professional help!

hop:<p>First welcome. Contact with om ever again is not advisable. This will only complicate the situation. Is your husband still abusive and drink? Has he changed these things? If he has then your marriage has a chance. If he is trying and fails now and then, is that not proof that he wants to salvage the marriage?? It will take time and nothing is overnight. Have you read any books? Know that recovery of a marriage will have its ups and downs but with dedication will work. You can make a stand without ending your marriage or separating. Make your bounderies clear. Post often and know that your not alone. You can make it and you can save your marriage.<p>Good luck, don't give up home in your marriage.<p>rayoflight

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There is a paragraph in "After the Affair" (Janis Abrahms Spring) (p.102) that struck a chord with me:
It reads:<p>
quote:
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Spending time with your lover (OP) won't give you the perspective to make a wise choice; it will only bring you closer to your lover. If you want to test the strenght of your relationship with your partner, (BS) you need to invest in your partner, even though your feelings towards your lover may remain strong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>After reading this, and seeing the situation I'm in (and others on this board), it occured to me that an alternative may exist to permit the couple to make a decision as to whether to commit to the M or not. I know it's unorthodox, but the reality is that many WS/BS have a hard time deciding this, and maybe the best time to do it is not immediately after the discovery of the A, due to the high emotional setting. (Thoughts?)<p>Anyway, here's my thought; what if we sit down with our WS and say something like this. OK, we're both ambivalent, perhaps we're not in the ideal frame of mind to make a definitive decision at this point, so how about if we do this:<p>We both agree to a 3-month period where we will absolutely act as if we're committing to rebuilding the M. We agree to No Contact, we agree to Radical Honesty, Joint Agreement, to Protection, Care, Time and Honesty during this interim period, and after that period, we both decide if we will totally committ to rebuilding, or we'll decide to split.<p>During this agreed-upon time period, there would be no talk of the OP or the A, beyond that necessary for the trial recovery process (ENs, etc.)<p>Wouldn't this perhaps be a less-threatening prospect that to have to decide now, in the throes of the discovery, about something as potentially life-changing as to whether to stay together or not? If the OP is really "the love of your life", 3 months shouldn't change that, right?<p> <hr></blockquote>
HOP:
Read this thread after reading yours. I think this has some good advice for you. However, really invest yourself don't "act." I think your coming to this site shows you have hope. Read the thread and I hope it helps.<p>rayoflight

Thanks to all.<p>First Worth, I think you are right to ask what I want. That is my question all the time. I think what I want is a healthy relationship that is beneficial to me. I don't feel I have ever had one. I believe that is why I want a separation though because at this time, I don't even think I have a healthy relationship with myself. I am hurt, angry with my H and myself for allowing what I did to happen to me.<p>Ray, yes...H has made some changes. But I have seen it before. H will say anything and I usually believe him and just pray it will be different. But I stopped believing along time ago. I feel frustrated and trapped and need to escape right now. I feel as though I need a separation to think things through.