Hi MB readers,
How can one forgive there spouse for an Affair?
How can one live with a spouse after an affiar?
How come it is so easy for one couple to forgive but not the next couple?
How does one bring trust back into the marriage?
I have been reading Dr. Harley's info. BUT I have a hard time with forgiveness. I know God forgives. But I still have a hard time with affairs. I have many friends who have had affairs and it really bothers me. I think about the devestation an affair causes. My husband told me that if a women ever comes onto him he wouldn't stop her. That is so sad. Because he has me if he wants sex. But he says it's the excitement. Luckly for me he hasn't had any women come onto him. So if anyone can help me with these questions I would be greatful.....<p>Debra

Tonight is probably not the night to be answering your question. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, compliments of my Husband's A, and I have a few questions for you.<p>Are you here because you feel something is "not right" with your marriage? If so, you are correct. Sorry to be blunt, but in the past year following my H's affair I have learned a lot.<p>Your H tells you that he would not stop a woman if she came on to him? How in the world can you say "luckily for me no woman has come on to him?"<p>He has already cheated. Maybe not physically but in his mind, his thoughts, his moral character, he has cheated. And you take the fact that he hasn't met someone yet as "good".<p> My own H told a female friend of mine (10 years prior to the A with OW) that he was looking for "excitement" in his life. I found out after the A.<p>Sound a little familiar?

You're asking tough questions.<p>Forgiveness is a decision, an act. For most of us, especially with children, the marriage relationship can't just be ended, the BS deals with the WS for the rest of their lives. Forgiveness makes that a more positive process.<p>Living with the spouse--most BS love the WS, many want the marriage to survive. It is possible to heal the wounds from betrayal & infidelity if both partners work at it. The relationship inevitably has changed...but like a scar is stronger than the surrounding skin, a recovered marriage may be stronger for uncovering the weak areas of the marriage or of the WS that led the WS to stray.<p>Different people have different tolerances, different skills, different strengths, different boundaries. Some can forgive, some don't want to, some can't find a way to forgive.<p>Trust is re-earned through trustworthy behavior over time. A BS can choose to act as if they trust, but real trust takes time and actions to develop.<p>I wouldn't trust your H with the attitude that he'd go for any woman who came onto him, that's a mere skip to him coming on to a woman. That is a weakness in your H, in your marriage and you are right to wonder about forgiveness and what you would do if he cheats.<p>My former WS H never intends to be unfaithful again, no matter WHO comes onto him. Nor do I.<p>Which is the more trustworthy attitude, your H or mine? <p>I don't plan on ever trusting blindly. And, Dr. Harley doesn't recommend it for any couples. But, I do now trust my H to do the right thing when confronted with temptation. He's a much wiser man than he was.<p>This is the best summation of forgiveness I've read:<p>Subj: Neil Anderson Devotional for Tuesday, April 30, 2002
neilanderson.UM.A.3.24176@lists.crosswalk.com (Crosswalk.com)<p>N E I L A N D E R S O N D A I L Y D E V O T I O N A L
from Freedom in Christ Ministries<p>April 30<p>
quote:
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THE COST OF FORGIVENESS
Forgive your brother from your heart (Matthew 18:35 NIV).<p>Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another
person's sin. Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil
we forgive. Yet you're going to live with those consequences
whether you want to or not; your only choice is whether you will
do so in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.
That's how Jesus forgave you--He took the consequences of your
sin upon Himself. All true forgiveness is substitutional, because
no one really forgives without bearing the penalty of the other
person's sin.<p>Why then do we forgive? Because Christ forgave us. God the Father
"made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might
become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Where is the justice? The cross makes forgiveness legally and
morally right: "For the death that He died, He died to sin, once
for all" (Romans 6:10).<p>How do you forgive from the heart? First, you acknowledge the
hurt and the hate. If your forgiveness doesn't visit the
emotional core of your past, it will be incomplete. This is the
great evangelical cover-up. Christians feel the pain of
interpersonal offenses, but we won't acknowledge it. Let God
bring the pain to the surface so He can deal with it. This is
where the healing takes place.<p>Ask God to bring to your mind those you need to forgive. Make a
list of all those who have offended you. Since God has forgiven
them by His grace, you can forgive them too. For each person on
your list, say: "Lord, I forgive (name) for (offenses)." Keep
praying about each individual until you are sure that all the
remembered pain has been dealt with. Don't try to rationalize or
explain the offender's behavior. Forgiveness deals with your
pain, not another's behavior. Remember: Positive feelings will
follow in time; freeing yourself from the past is the critical
issue.<p>Lord, I desire to be free from the hurt and the hate of offenses
in my past. Today I move beyond desiring to forgive and asking
Your help to forgive. Lord, I forgive _________ for ___________.<p>
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hungry_For_Love:
<strong>My husband told me that if a women ever comes onto him he wouldn't stop her. That is so sad. Because he has me if he wants sex. But he says it's the excitement. Luckly for me he hasn't had any women come onto him. Debra</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Debra,<p>I would never forgive a spouse who told me this because I would know he had not changed. You shouldn't forgive someone who is not remorseful and doesn't change their ways. Your marriage cannot possibly recover with a partner who does not change and announces his intention to continue adultery.

Debra,
I forgave my WS because he was remorseful and because he changed. He worked to restore our marriage and assure me that he was faithful. That is how I was able to forgive him. It probably took a year, but it did happen. But again, it would not have happened if he had not changed.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hungry_For_Love:
<strong> I know God forgives. Debra</strong><hr></blockquote><p>God forgives those who REPENT, though. And He doesn't expect a lower standard from us.

That is a very good question HFL and one that I've pondered quite a bit.<p>I certainly don't know what will work for others but for me, there are 2 things that helped me deal with this. Don't get me wrong, this is not a cure-all, but this is how I helped myself in the area of forgiveness.<p>1st of all, reading about As, the effects on WS and BS, helped me see what both sides feel, and why these things happen, etc. The mere understanding of the feelings, dynamics, etc. helped me have some empathy for the WS, so that helps in the forgiveness process.<p>The other element was to start recognizing the part I played in creating the environment for the A to take place. While this is in no way an admission of guilt, or feeling that the A was my fault, it does help to understand that the BS also played a role, his/her actions are also partly responsible for allowing the situation to occur, and perhaps more importantly, that there were signs of problems that I, as the BS did not see, and certainly did not act upon, which could have prevented this from happening.<p>Realizing all of this has helped me prepare for forgiveness, and has helped me be more lenient, if you will, with my WW, and has created a safer environment in which to attempt reconciliation and recovery.<p>If you'll email me at spacecase59@yahoo.com, I can send you a very good section of a book about Forgiveness. It's in eFax format so I can't really put it in here directly. It'll be an exe file (the efax with a built-in efax viewer) so if you're confortable receiving a file like that from a stranger I'll send it. You can also check it for viruses before you open it if you have Norton or MacAffee...

HFL;<p>After your post yesterday I did a lot of thinking about forgiveness, and coincidentally, I was finishing reading After the Affair, and the next to the last chapter is...Forgiveness.<p>I chose to transcribe parts of that because it's an issue with my WW right now, and posted them on a new post. Perhaps they will be helpful to you.<p>Forgiveness - Spacecase Post

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hungry_For_Love:
<strong>Hi MB readers,
How can one forgive there spouse for an Affair?
How can one live with a spouse after an affiar?
How come it is so easy for one couple to forgive but not the next couple?
How does one bring trust back into the marriage?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p> I was able to forgive my husband because I love him and he was extremly remorseful about what he did. The remorse was a huge key for me. He has bent over backwards to make it up to me and show me how much he wants the marriage. If it weren't for that we'd probably be divorced.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting nor does it mean an instant rebuilt trust. We should forgive for ourselves. Why punish ourselves. Here's a thought to ponder, "when you fret about it and don't forgive, you don't hurt the other person, you hurt yourself". You don't have to "trust" him you don't have to "forget". Forgiveness is saying, I forgive you whether you're sorry or not because you love yourself. True that God does forgive after we ask for it, but he is the ultimate judge, we can not judge others, he says he will forgive whom he will, but of us it is required. Don't forgive him for him, forgive him for you-my stbxh, still says he did nothing wrong, but I forgive him anyway and you know what, it feels pretty damn good not to bother about it all the time.

I can only tell you how/why I was able to forgive my husband. <p>I realized that I should treat him in the manner I would like to be treated had I been the WS. So I treated him with respect and love. He returned that and more so we are still together.<p>I realize that either way I went was going to be hard… If I stayed with him and worked on our marriage I was not going to be easy. If I left him it would not be easy. If I left him, there would be no returning back and I’d always wonder if we could have repaired the marriage. If I stayed and worked on the marriage and forgave him AND he did the same then I’d be happy again. If we tried recovering, but he did not remain faithful, I still had the option to leave and I would know in my heart of hearts that I’d done all I could do.<p>One brings trust back into the marriage by the WS doing very concrete things to prove their trustworthiness every day of their lives. And you know what? The BS has to do this too. It’s a two way street. <p>It’s really not easy for any couple to forgive. It takes a lot of work on the part of both parties. People and couples are different, hence some people can forgive and some cannot let go of the pain. Others will not do the necessary work to recover. Some people hold on to the hurt because it’s a way to buffer themselves from further hurt. <p>RE: “My husband told me that if a women ever comes onto him he wouldn't stop her. That is so sad. …. But he says it's the excitement.”<p>Ah, did your H tell you this before you married him? If so why did you marry him? If my H were to tell me this I’d leave him. He’s already told you that he does not value your marriage enough to ‘forsake all others’. He may be just talking big because he thinks guys are supposed to feel this way. Sometimes it helps to make people understand the way you feel by turning it around on them. Put him in your shoes. Announce to him that you want some excitement in your life; some guy came on to you so you are not going to stop him. See how he reacts. If he tells you to go for it, then you know where you stand. You may want to get out of your marriage.<p>
The following was written by someone who can say it so much better then I ever could…..
____________
“When wronged by those we love, we seem to devalue years of a relationship – a relationship that may have brought us many joys and which required much intellectual and emotional energy to have lasted so long. Still, with a single harsh statement, a thoughtless act, an unfeeling criticism, we are capable of destroying even the closest of our relationships. We quickly forget the good and set out to rationalize scenarios of hate. We do this rather then take up the challenge of honest evaluation and confrontation. We ignore the possibility that in the act of forgiving and showing compassion we are very likely to discover new depths in ourselves and new possibilities for relating in the future. We are too proud. We engage rather in self-defeating activities which keep us from forgiving; beliefs that if we withdraw and run from the situation we will hurt the other and absence will heal us; the fantasy that in avoidance and condemning we will be made to feel better. We fail to realize that when we refuse to engage in forgiving behaviors, it is we who assume the useless weight of hate, pain and vengeance which is never ending, and instead, weights upon us rather then the wrongdoer. (Buscaglia, 984, pp. 96-97)