WH left 2 weeks ago to live with OW. Came over today says living with her is so much different than affair. He says he loves and misses us and we talked about possibillty of him coming home. I think he wants to give it more time which is good cause it seems the more time goes by the more he realizes it was a fantasy.
The problem I have is that he talks about trouble with son etc. but no mention of anything bad about her. He said she is a good person. I said does she show any remorse that she is breaking up a family and he said no.. But other than that she is good. Puke!!
I asked him if he came home how will he handle withdrawl this time since he did so lousy at it last time. That is when he moved in with her. He said it would be different this time beause it is not womderful living with her like he thought it would be. But if he still has all thses good feelings for her couln't they just resume the affair like before.
As much as it hurts for him to be away I think the longer he stays there the more he could dislike her but it could also work the other and they could fall madly in love. If he asked to come back what do I do??
He promised he would work on the Marriage 100% and can't live this life of deceit anymore. I wish there was some kind of test to determine if they will actually do what they say. He is so remorseful but he hates the thought of hurting her too. He wants to make a decision because this limbo is killing everyone. Thanks for listening.

KF,
I don't know your whole story, so I cannot make predictions or offer much guidance.<p>But I will say this: Consider establishing some clear boundaries as a condition to return:<p>No Contact letter, as well as "drastic measures for no contact"<p>Commitment to "recovery principles" and guidelines. Under MC "supervision"<p>"Radical Honesty" and extreme sensitivity for your distrust; ie, he'd better account for every minute, call, etc. for some time.<p>Be firm, but loving
Be strong, but understanding
Be determined, but supportive

Thanks spacecase. You encouaged me before under my post is the fog lifting?? I definitely think we need to agree to a Plan before allowing him to move back in. I don't know if the No Contact is entirely possible beause they work for same company only in different buildings and not much contact unless on purpose. I do beleive he is tired of all the lying though and genuinely wants to make it right. It's that addiction thing that has me so worried. If only he could stay strong and stay away from her.

Keeping faith, I have very similiar situations. My H is saying all the right things but not doing anything to show any proof that what he says is true. He comes here every 2 or 3 weeks, very remorseful, saying OW is not what he expected, she is more demanding than me, he wants to stop feeling so torn, he is sorry and made a huge mistake BUT he has not completely stopped contact with OW. Think he stills goes over her apartment. He did verbalize that breaking up will be hard. She is pressuring him to stay involved under any circumstance, it seems. He has not made any committment to her at all. I personally think he is using her and is addicted to the way she makes him feel young. They work in the same building also but are not co-workers. He will have to see her whenever so I do not know how successful this type of arrangement can be.....Then he leaves here with things to read and promises to write out a plan of action but never does.<p>I have learned the hard way to stop the merry go round and lay down some stipulations. Spacecase has put all my requests down very planly and very precisely that I have just formulated for our situation. Proof is needed that they will end contact and accountable to someone other than yourself is needed. <p>DO NOT BE QUICK TO BELIEVE HIS PROMISES> He is still wavering and it may take time. Maybe if he leaves OW, he should get a room somewhere til you both set some guidelines and you see him following through.<p>Hope you see an end to this waffling soon....it is so tiring.<p>TW

Thank you tossedwave. I will go back and read your story. I also agree about his own place for awhile but won't that make it easier to see OW?
They are so convincing with their promises aren't they? Then they rationalize and start lying again.
However, I truly believe he is remorseful this time since he breaks down everytime we talk. He never was like this before. He is not happy with what he is doing to himself and everyone else.
I think my WH feels a need to help OW since he has been her work mentor and helped her in many personal situations for a number of years. I think that's what's going to be hard to break.
I will keep reading and praying and hope he comes to the right decision and sticks to it. Thanks.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by keeping faith:
<strong> I truly believe he is remorseful this time since he breaks down everytime we talk. He never was like this before. He is not happy with what he is doing to himself and everyone else.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, keeping faith,
Your WH may be remorseful, etc. & "break down" - BUT when he is truly done with this A w/ow YOU WILL KNOW IT. <p>DO NOT allow him to come home before that time. You are so much stronger than he is at this time, and you have your emotions in control, so as not to get taken on this roller coaster ride! That's great!<p>You are doing great. Keep doing what you are doing, keep "being his friend," confidante, etc. Eventually, "home" will look so much better that he'll see it's an easy choice. Don't worry about "the longer he stays, the more madly in love they become." It doesn't work that way. There's too much baggage involved in their relationship....how they started it (illicitly, lying, etc) for it to ever be anything good.<p>Hang on tight. I don't believe your H is going to stay away too much longer now. HOWEVER, Spacecase has given very good advice about establishing boundaries for total NC for recovery.<p>Let me add, though, that I know a man personally who did manage to get away from OW, and still works for the same co. as she. He doesn't have to see her all the time, such as in your case, and he has NO desire to start things up again! He KNOWS what he did was a stupid thing, so it is possible. It is NOT the norm, but it is possible.<p>Don't get all caught up in the "what-ifs" of your H's A. This deal w/ow is HIS problem to work out!! You just work on YOU, enjoy your time alone! I bet your house is a lot cleaner! Mine is. I'll bet you have the remote all to yourself, too!! See? There are things you can be happy about with him out of the house!<p>Hon, I'm just joking with you, of course. I KNOW you want him home, and it looks like it won't be very long now. Just relax, though, ok? He'll have to become MUCH more uncomfortable with his life first....so don't try to fix this for him, ok?<p>God Bless,

Thanks lupolady. Yes my house is a lot cleaner and a lot quieter. He constantly had the TV on.
I still do miss him and wish he were back home for my daughters sake as well.
He knows he made a mistake getting involved with her and keeps saying he wishes he could go back to this time last year and talk about his unhappiness instead of turning to her.
The problem is the damage is done and now he has to make the decision to come home or stay with her. I think you are right though home is looking a lot better these days. He even said yesterday he knows this is where he belongs.
I have to give it time and be patient. I know he is a good man and wants to do the right think for his family. I have to keep the faith.

Keeping faith, My WS has been crying since he started his A over a year ago. Separated in Sept. Since November he has repeatedly come by and asks if we could work on our M. We talk, then come to conclusions about what he needs to do first before we can work on us. Then weeks go by and I do not see him (cause I know he is not doing anything to change the situation of OW). Now maybe living with OW will do the trick quicker. I even suggested once that WS live with OW cause I knew that would kill it quick. He keeps his distance with his women. My H is a passive-aggressive personality and controls his life in a passive way. Hope your H is more motivated and able to work on problems. You will have more to work with.<p>Do make sure you have proof that he is having no contact with OW and has a plan not to fall back in the pit.<p>Hope you get your H back and your M is better than ever. I do not have much hope for mine.<p>TW