I am having such a hard time since Dday #2. At first, I was so sure it would workout. H wrote no contact letter and agreed to do whatever it takes. Then there was the OW showing up on our door fear. I told H to call and end it if he thought it would keep OW from coming here. H does and now he is not so agreeable. And to top it off OW said she won't back off and will come here. <p>I am back to square one and I don't want to be. I was just starting to enjoy myself again. I was noticing my D getting back to herself - less stressed. Triggers were getting better, I didn't cry everyday, I could listen to music, I could sleep sometimes and I started looking forward to eating. Now here I am a weepy, confused basket case that can't stop throwing up. How do I do this again? I know how hard the last six months were - can I make it another 6 months? Can I listen to the fogese, soulmate, we just clicked baloney again? When I hear it it seems to hurt worse this time. <p>Does anyone have suggestions as to how to do this again? I am so sad.

The only way to get the OW to stop what she is doing is to get your H to end it. My experience has been that even after a no contact letter is sent, often times the WS does contact them and feed them more lies...thus keeping the OW hanging on.<p>Make sure he is very clear with her...I suggest getting him to call her and you listen on the other end of the line, without her knowledge. Don't tell H in advance of your plans...don't give him the chance to warn her. This should tell you what is really going on.<p>If he is on the up and up...get a restraining order to keep her away from your family.<p>good luck.

Sweety, you don't need to be kicked...I think you're getting plenty of that already. I think twilight has some great advice. If you H is serious about it being done...then the OW's beligerance should be an annoyance. If he's still waffling...then go to plan B. He's got to end the A or it WON'T end. The protection order is a really good idea too, especially for your childs sake. Good luck!!!

Twinkles,<p>Sorry for your situation, I've had multiple d days, they don't get any easier.<p>For now try to focus on you and your D. Let the saddness and hurt pass, don't dwell on the bad thoughts, easier said than done....<p>I see you have read many of the books explaining the hows and whys, good. But while all the understanding doesn't help the hurt, it will help you make desicisons for next step actions.<p>It sounds like you H is still not certain he wants to stop, and every time they talk there is a chance the uncertainy will go to the OW. Try to keep the no contact going. If contact is neccessary, let it be with the both of you at the same time (a solid front if you will).<p>How to do this again? Unfortunately while your doing plan A, you need to harden yourself a little, look after you and D, STAY HONEST with your H. If suddenly he is not so agreeable he may have swung around back to her, OW may have done some threatening, or his fog is so confusing he doesn't want to worry about either of you. You won't know if you two don't talk. Should he be back to OW, as you have read, there is not much you can do except the plan A ing. <p>Have you talked with MC?<p>There is a link on this BB I'm going to go find.<p>Considered MC?<p>Twlight is right, the OW is fighting to hang on to your H, your H AND you have to work to keep the no contact. It seems at first the no contact was met, She had to come to your door....<p>You have started at the begining again, except that now you are not the same person as before, you've grown and learned....stay in touch with your feelings (they are a part of you) while staying strong.<p>best wishes for you....<p>DRS

Here is the link, <p>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>hope it helps, good luck<p>DRS

I hope that what I say will help you. When I was pregnant and throwing up everyday, finding out my h. moved out one day and started his a. the next really pissed me off. What made me able to make it through? Well, I backed off. I was nice when I saw him, but I backed off. The best advice I ever got was not to focus my life on him, but on me and my children. Our children are the most important people, not us, not our spouses. You are hurting, so is your daughter. Why not take that hurt and make it a positive. Spend time with your daughter-doing things that make both of you smile. Work on you, work on being a mother, once you find yourself becoming more happy, than either he will notice and come around, or maybe you will realize that you are ok without him. I am not for divorce, but I am for happiness. My 18 yr old sister has a saying hanging on her wall, "no man is worth my tears, but the man who is will never make me cry". Don't let him win, it's hard as hell to forget that he may or may not be with someone else, but focus on you, your daughter. That's what is important. You can't make anyone change, they'll change when they want to, why not be happy regardless of if he is? Maybe it's selfish-I call it self preserving.
Prayers, wishes, love
-Rain

Hi, Things were going way better for me and my h too, and ow #1 was gone.. well he found another one... it is as if he wants someone who is no problem , no stress.. and fun fun fun... hard as heck when you are the one who has the right to be angry and mad.. and the only way to bring him back is through consisitent plan a and no focus on him... but that is what works...e veryone here is right... if you really want your family together.. keep going.. and you know plan a is good for you too... puch pillows.. talk it out and get out to be with friends, etc... do not sit around and mope and let it get you down.. that is the worse... of worse.... I know I have done it sweetie... we cna get through this.. and if our husbands cannot be faithful and good to us.. no we do not want them !<p>Hugs, you will be strong... I just got through doing a yoga video on yoga for weight loss and I feel fabulous... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care of you! Honey

Based on what he has done, it is going to be hard to have him in the home, while you are working on this. If he is going to stay in the home, you need to figure out how you get space to determine what exactly you want. At present you want him back, but you need to look at what exactly you want him back for, ensure it is for the right reasons, and not because you depend on him. If you are both in the same home you may want to try and get soem counselling on how you can manage contact and communication until things get better. I know of no way you can ensure he breaks off the affair and sticks to it, this is something he must do, and stick to it. Therefore until he is willing to do this and you are both in the same home it is going to be tough. If you have some family or friends to go and stay at, or if you can get him to stay somewhere else, I believe this is the only way you will both have the time to think about what the next step is.

Hi Twinkles,<p>I'm soo sorry. <p>We know that no contact is one of the most difficult steps of this whole process, and there's only so much we can do. The rest is up to our WH's.<p>Did you send the letter to the OW? Is that what brought the OW to your door? What does your H say about where things stand. Do you know that he's seen her or talked to her? I'm wondering if you're jumping ahead of yourself and thinking the worse. <p>I believe your H wants to end contact, if he hasn't already. From everything I've read it's just so hard. This is when he needs you to be strong and supportive and help him through this. <p>Give him the encouragement and help him see the light. If you pull away now, it will only give him more reason to contact the OW.<p>It sounds like you're going to have a hard time with this OW. Dr. Harley says to take drastic measures and I agree with that. Twilight mentioned getting a restraining order. Sounds like a good idea. It may be drastic, but it's whats needed sometimes. Talk to your H and see how he feels about it.<p>Did you read trueheart's letter. ("Good Morning all...") I read this and then had my H read it. It might help.<p>I wish I could take away your pain. You be strong and hang in there. Keep us updated as to how you're doing.<p>H&S

Thanks to all for your responses. I was having computer problems and could not post, but I was able to read. Thank you.<p>H sat me down and we talked. He doesn't understand why I am not happy. I should be happy its over and he is going to try now. I said I was troubled that one day he was positive, writing the no contact letter, telling me he'll do whatever it takes - then he calls OW to tell her its over and he is not so sure anymore. H said OW reminded him of a couple of things that got him thinking. (OW is not the problem in marriage (LOL) our M was introuble when they met - blah blah blah.)<p>H is saying the right things. All my hard work and effort have not gone un-noticed - one of the reasons he thinks it can work is because of my faith and I never gave up. He doesn't want me to give up now but if I need a break - that's okay he will work and try for a while, he is there for me. <p>I said I know what I have to do but I just don't have the energy to move. I asked him not to worry I was sure it was just a reaction to the hurt and I will get through it - AGAIN. <p>I want to Plan A hard. I want to believe him. I don't want to deal with OW. I want my taker to go away and my giver to come back. I just need to get the energy and let go of the doubt. I know all this stuff why can't I do it?????<p>PS - We had been in counseling but H doesn't believe in it. And he never has in all the years I have known him. Its not a new belief since this whole disaster. It is the one thing he asked not to do, but he would if I wanted him to.

Hi Twinkles,<p>I'm glad you're feeling better. Sounds like maybe you were thinking the worst. That's OK. We all do it. It's that awful roller coaster ride.<p>You know your M was in trouble, that's why there was an A. But the difference now is you want to work on your M and you have the tools and support to do it. Your H realizes this and wants to work along with you. <p>This is where my H and I are right now. We are lucky that our H's realize there is hope and that our M can be better than before. We need to hold onto that, because there are many here at MB who aren't so lucky.<p>Try not to be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you've been doing a wonderful job and you deserve a pat on the back.<p>How do you feel about counselling? I know that it's really helped my M. It really seemed to help my H focus on our M and let go of the OW. It re-inforced to him that we can't make our M work if there's still contact. My H is a very private person, but he agreed to counselling, for me. He stated that because the counsellor was a neutral 3rd party, what she said hit home. Maybe you should give it a try. Sounds like your H can use that extra push right now.<p>Hang in there.<p>H&S

H&S -
Thanks for the "pat" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Counseling and H...hmmmm. Nope. Well, I shouldn't say no, we have been to two counselors. One when H said he was unhappy in marriage. I didn't know he was unhappy. Of course he was unhappy because he was having an A that I didn't know about. I think the counselor knew - he kept asking to see H alone. Anyway, the counselor was not MB material so I looked for another. Dday #1. Then we were seeing the 2nd and I think she knew H was still in contact with OW because she said he was stuck. H didn't think she was helping us and he hated going so we stopped.<p>Now he said he will go if I want but he would rather not. I thought I would give it some time and see how we do following MB principals. <p>I have read some very inspiring threads today and have decided to write out a new plan. I am going to start by making a list of why I want to save my marriage. Then a list of do's and don'ts for me. Then how to follow MB 4 rules. I think I will continue working on the time issue. And I think I want to learn Spanish. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

twinkles,
Biene
Dundo es el banyos<p>Sorry its all I know except a couple bad words!
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

SadPrincess -<p>Can you email me those bad words? H doesn't know Spanish and I could say them sweetly and he wouldn't know I was LB! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have another thread going on OW wanting to call me. Check it out if you have a chance and let me know what you think? I think it is "I'm freaking..."

Twinkie,
punta means whore hehe<p>I am so bad