Ok, well, lately my dad has been treating my little brother better than me and my sister. Like the other day we asked him if we could get some new shoes and he said "no he didnt have any money." So my sis and I didn't say anything else about it. Then the next day everyone but my brother (cause he was at my dads) went to the lake. And my dad took him to the movies. Then got my brother a toy. And when my little brother got home he was bragging about it. So me and my sister called my dad and asked if he could take us to get new shoes and he said: "No, I don't have any money." and My little sister got on the phone and then said "but you took brother." and He said "so you went to the lake and he didn't" and then she said "so he didn't want to go." And its getting on my nerves when he does that. So i was just wondering if anyone knew anything I could do to handle it? or tell him how i feel about it?

Hello there little one, I can understand that you feel that things are unfair and unequal and confusing in your young life, but I really think that this kind of stuff should be worked out between the grown-ups in your life. Your brother should have not bragged on about his toy, your father should not have discussed his money with you, and you should not have to worry about this kind of thing. You should be able to grow up without this nasty big cloud in your life, and you should be protected from the anger that the grownups may have for each other. I send you the same warm {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I give my sweet children each night before bed, and hope you have a better tommorow, Love to you and your brother and sister.

prncss,<p>Hi sweetie. I can understand how this can make you feel pretty upset. Have you ever thought that maybe there might be a real reason for you dad’s approach to the shoes? Just give me a moment to explain. Things exactly like this happen with my children right now. I have a daughter (12) and two sons (13 & 14). How old are you? Sometimes they will ask me for shoes. I tell them that I don’t have money at the time because it’s true. I also tell them that because sometimes they get the idea that I’m rich and made out of money. I want them to know that there are limits to the amount of money we, and any family has. <p>Then later I’ll be out with one of them and that child gets a treat. Then the other two, just like you, get very upset and think I don’t like them as much.<p>You see shoes cost a lot of money, somewhere between $30-$100. So if I bought all three of them the cheapest shoes I could find that would be $90 + sales tax. I might not have $90 on that day. But a treat.. like a movie and a toy could cost a lot less. Probably under $30. <p>So you got to go to the lake and your brother got a movie and a toy. Personally I think you got the better treat. I’d love to go to the lake. <p>And later, your dad or mom will get you new shoes when they have enough money.<p>That’s what I think happened about the shoes and your brother’s treat. You and your sister are too sweet for your dad to like your brother more. He probably likes each of you as much, in his own very special way. If you are feeling like your dad is slighting you, why not ask him out for a very special date with out your brother. Just you, or you and your sister could take him out and treat him to an ice cream sundae, or lunch, or a movie. Do you have enough saved up for that? Bet it would not cost you more then $5.00 for an ice cream date.<p>My kids do this for me from time to time. Make sure you do this with you mom from time to time too.

zorweb:<p>Have you ever thought that maybe there might be a real reason for you dad’s approach to the shoes?
Sometimes<p>How old are you?
13<p>But see things like this have been going on for a long time. And see me and my sis dont like the real exspensive shoes i think the most money on shoes i've wanted is like 20$. The shoes i want know are like 12-13$. I know my mom would get the shoes for me if she had the money but my dad says he gives her all his money and she only gets 200$ a week in child support, and she's not working right now. And what-ever my little brother want my dad gets him but for me and my sis he always says he doesnt have the money. Me and my sis only stay part of most weekend at my dads and then the day we leave my dad takes my little brother somewhere and does something with him. So i don't think its the money. And when me and my sis ask about it he says well if you wouldnt have left you would have gotten something too. but when we stay all weekend we dont go anywhere. or do anything. So sometimes i wonder if my dad does favor my little brother more than me and my sister. This has been going on since my dad first moved out 2 yrs ago.

Hi P,
Well, you're thirteen...which is really the start of growing up. Unfortunately, one of the biggest and hardest lessons to learn is that sometimes...life just isn't fair. Sometimes you'll work hard, do everything right, and BOOM! You'll still get kicked right in the backside. This doesn't just happen to kids either..happens to adults all the time.<p>Maybe you're wondering if things would've been different if your parents had stayed married. That's hard to say. My parents were married until the day they died and each of their kids (there were 6 of us) could, to this very day, point out favoritism. It's a sibling thing.<p>I'm divorced with 3 kids. Financially I have to make hard decisions too. There are many times my kids want something new, and I would love to get it for them...and I can't. When they see their Dad and his new family, they see a lot of the things I've had to say "no" to. And it really hurts them because he hasn't bought those things for them. Life just isn't fair.<p>My kids are older now (17, 19, 21). They are working and having to say "no" to themselves all the time, so now they can understand the financial side of things a little better.<p>However, what they've had problems with is telling their Dad how they feel about something. They haven't been around him that much in the last 5 years. And, they are afraid if they say something negative..he won't love them anymore or he won't want to see them as much. You may be feeling like this too. I urge you to talk it over with you parents. Your feelings in the family are worth just as much as everyone elses.<p>Whew! This got pretty long! I'll leave you with one more thing to think about...you might use this one sentence for the rest of your life.<p>Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.<p>Hang in there P,
T

Prncss,<p>So you are about the same age my kids are. You are also a lot more reasonable about the price of shoes then my kids are. In the last year, my 14-year-old son wanted shoes and pair of skater shoes that cost $100. I just would not spend that on shoes he was going to grow out of. So I gave him $40 and told him he had to spend his own money if he wanted more expensive shoes. He saved up Christmas and birthday money and did chores to earn the rest. He got his shoes. He takes very good care of them. It makes a difference when a person earns his or her own money.<p>My 13-year-old son stays with his father every other weekend. His father will not buy him any cloths at all. The reason he gives is that dad gives me child support so he already spent the money. Well, that’s not quite the case because when child support was calculated, the courts made it so that each of us had money to by our son’s cloths, food, a house to live in etc. But his father does not see this. My son gets angry with his father for this. There have been times when he’s asked me if it means that his father does not love him because he will not spend money on him. I told my son that no, this is not the case. His father is a tight wad. He hates to spend money on anything. His father also believes that kids do not need toys, he did not have toys when he was a kid, so his son does not need any.
(Maybe that’s way my son’s dad is such a grouch? Do you think?) Anyway, I explained to my son that since his father is frugal (he spends on as little money as he can), that means there will be more for him to inherit some day. His father will be more able to help him with the big things. <p>My 12 and 14 year olds are actually my stepchildren. Their mother lives 2000 miles from us. She walked out on them about 5 years ago. They hardly see her anymore – we send them to visit her about 6 weeks a year. They have been very broken hearted for a long time over this. <p>I tell my children about the same thing Twyla said to you. My version of it is “He/She loves you the only way they can. So accept it and return that love in the way you can.”
It sounds like your little brother lives with your father. I get that impression because he stays there after you leave. Is that right?
You know what, both Twyla and I are giving you a pep talk about better ways to look at this. But it is also true that what you feel is real. <p>Sometimes things just stink. It was hard enough for me when I was 13 and my parents were not separated. You, your sister and my three kids have it pretty rough having to go between different houses. It’s another part of life that is not fair.

Hi P,
Twyla's my mom and she showed me your letter. I'm 17 and my parents have been divorced since I was 3. I think what you should do is spent more time with your Dad. Just the two of you and talk about a lot of things not just money.<p>Since I'm the youngest and the only girl, things aren't fair for me sometimes either. Sometimes it seems like you have to be a boy to have any privledges. Like staying out. Just because I'm a girl I have to be home earlier than they did when they were my age. I STILL don't think thats fair even though I know all the reasons.<p>And even if you know all the reasons your parents do stuff it still doesnt make it fair or easy sometimes. I guess you just have to remember they love you.<p>K

No, my little brother doesn't live with my dad. <p>I get what you mean by buying you own things. Example: Me and my sis wanted a fish tank and fish but my mom said we would have to get them our selves. She bought the fish tank for us and she has also bought some little things to go with it. Like a pH get to test and make sure the pH is right. But I saved up the rest from babysitting money. So i could get the rest of the stuff need for the tank such as gravel,fish,a net and things like that. <p>And the plans to go to the lake had been made a few weeks ago when my dad was out of town and he wasnt supposed to be in town this weekend but when he came into town we went over there cause we don't know the next time he'll be back. Last weekend he came into town also and he wasnt supposed to be in town. So he picked up thursday-saturday then brought us home so he could go to GA with his brother and go hear him play in his band. Sometimes he'll wait till the last minute to call and ask if we are going over there and my little brother will cancel plans he made with his friends to go to my dads but i know he doesn't want to cancel the plans. And my dad will expect me and my sis to cancel plans to go over there but we won't because most of our plans are made a week or 2 in advance. When me and my sis won't cancel our plans my brother get something like a toy or a computer game. So me and my sis feel like the only way we're going to get something from my dad is if we cancel our plans. <p>He has the money he just spends most of it on himself and things like beer. He just spends most of his money on him. <p>Another thing that he does that buggs me is he'll call and ask for my little brother. He never asked to talk to me or my sister. He'll talk to my brother for a while and then my brother has to ask my dad if he wants to talk to me or my sis. <p>When i do try to talk to my dad he ignores me or he'll say so if you were over here more you'd get the stuff. Sometimes he even goes your mom has all the money. He trys to use all of his bills and his child support a reason for not being able to get us anything. Some of the bills he has i know he don't have.<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: prncss ]</p>

prncss,<p>There is no perfect daddy in the world ... we only have one FATHER that never fails us. How do we deal with this ?. My 13 y/o told me that she will not write down "Thank you for being the best mommy in the world" on the card that she prepared for her but she will write "Thank you for being the best mommy you can be" ... My D has a lot of resentments toward her mom but she understand that mom loves her the best she can.<p>Your dad might have no clues and intentions of hurting you. He might be bad in parenting but he loved you the best he knows how.<p>Learn how to talk to your dad, don't judge, don't demand, don't get mad ... just let him know how you feel. If you can, read language of love, find a common thing that you could use to describe your feeling.<p>-RH-<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

((((prncss))) <--- online "friendship" hug<p>My daughters are 11, 9 and 4 and I am a single mom. I know how your mom feels and I think I can relate to how you feel because my oldest daughter experiences similar troubles.<p>It's important to understand that what you are feeling is ok. It's natural and normal and while you are upset, you have the right to be.<p>It's also really good if you can talk to your dad about how this makes you feel (the toy vs the shoes) and if it hurts you. That is a good way for you to learn to share your feelings and learn from them. <p>Don't keep things bottled up inside, make sure to talk to adults you can trust (a school counselor, a close aunt or relative). Sometime's it's hard to talk to our parent's about things, but your mom understands that and I think would want you to continue to share things with an adult you can trust.<p>I am going to surf the net and see if there are any sites that are geared for your age and if I find any, I'll post them for you. I don't know that I'll find much, however, I'm going to school for web design and computer programming. I always LOVED the support I found at this site, and perhaps I can create something when I graduate for girls like you and my daughters. <p>Also, if you're interested, my oldest daughter loves to send emails and write. She is very sensitive and very smart and could relate to you very easily. She is mature for her age and I think could easily talk with you. If you'd like to ever talk to her on email, you can let me know. I'm sure your mom and I could arrange something for you, if that is ok with her. <p>She misses her dad. She feels he favors the other sisters. She has wanted things that I couldn't afford. She feels sad and confused at times. Most of her friends, don't have divorced parents, so she feels left out at times too.<p>I might not be back on this site for a few days, but I'm sure your mom knows who I am and could contact me if you would like to talk with my D. <p>In the meantime, I agree with what everyone before me was saying, about how it's hard to afford things but I know your mom loves you a lot and would get you those things right now if it were easier.<p>I think it's great that the shoes you want are reasonably priced and you sound like a smart young lady. Keep talking to people, it's good for you. Just be sure your mom monitors things because you have to be careful on the internet these days, ok?? Don't trust anyone you don't know, or your mom doesn't know. You may already know that, but I want to remind you ok [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ?
Good luck,
Dana B

prncss,<p>I have a daughter that will be 15 in July. I sometimes feel guilty because because I do more things with my son, age 11.<p>Part of this is the father and son thing. We both have more of the same interests. This maybe part of the problem with your dad. He may feel like he doesn't have anything in common with you and your sister.<p>Are there things that you and your Dad both enjoy? If so, try to do these things with him. This may sound stupid as your parents are not together, but you have to try and make him feel comfortable with you.<p>Try not to judge how much some one likes/loves you by how much they spend on you. <p>Good luck!

Yes, i know there is no perfect dad. And i have tried to talk to him about somethings but he just doesn't seem to care. Like when i tell him my grades or when i try to tell him the way he treats my little brother is un-fair to me and my sister he just ignores me or he'll say we'll you do this and this and this with your mom and your brother does and my brother does do those things with my mom too he just doesn't tell my dad. Sometimes me and my sis just feel left out when we go to my dads. We try to talk to him but he doesn't listen or he doesn't want to listen.

((( PRNCSS )))<p>I am a divorced daddy of three girls (12, 10, & 7). Let me first echo what the other's have said, sometimes neither their mom nor I have an extra $20 for shoes. As a matter of fact this weekend, the girls and I went grocery shopping and two of my daughters wanted new swimming suits. First we shopped and then we figured out that we could only get one this paycheck and hopefully we can get the other in a couple weeks.<p>I also want to point out that there is something that happens as a daddy watches his little girl turn into a Young Woman. It is a difficult time for all of you right now.<p>The best advice you've received is to talk about these issues. At about your age I got really mad a my dad and didn't have a good relationship with him at all. Then when I was 23 I wrote him a nasty letter saying all the bad things about him. We didn't talk for 5 years and that is sad. Now, my dad and I have a good relationship because we both finally talked.<p>If you don't keep a dairy, it probably would be a good idea to write these feeling down. Then every so often go back and re-read them and see how your thoughts have changed.<p>Lastly, dear, I little prayer on the matter wouldn't hurt.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Yea, i keep a dairy sometimes.

princess,<p>first of all....little brothers are the peskiest creatures in the world!!! and i'll bet he's the baby of the family too.....which makes him doubly pesky.<p>fathers and sons sometimes have a special bond, and the fact that your brother is willing to change his plans for your dad....i'm sure warms dads heart a little. you on the other hand, unlike your brother are moving into the phase of your life where you are going to be making plans that are really important to you and more difficult to change....and that is as it should be....still it's probably a little hard for dad to watch his girls growing away from a little bit...even though it's natural for your age.<p>but fathers and daughters have a special bond too. don't expect his relationship to be the same with you as it is with your brother....because it won't be. maybe your dad knows what your brother likes to do....but is clueless as to what you like to do....i know my h has NO IDEA what to do with a teenaged girl....he is like a fish out of water. suggest some things to your dad that don't take much money at all....for instance, a picnic with you...a ride through the country, a game of cards. <p>i can tell the money thing is a big issue...but it sounds like you are in a position to make some extra cash babysitting....and maybe brother is just a kid who doesn't have much opportunity. tell dad....i'll help with the expense, if you'll take me bowling....or whatever else you want to do. i know there is alot of resentment that he makes money and spends it on himself....but being angry won't improve your relationship with your dad....and in the end....what you really want is to feel close to him. feel like he loves. spend time with him. try to focus on those things and see if you can build a relationship with him.<p>oh, and remember, pesky little brother....he may be aggravating....especially when he brags....but this isn't his fault...so don't take it out on him. if you build your relationship with your dad...he won't have anything to brag about. don't wait for dad to make plans....you make them. when you're getting ready to go there next time....go with a list of ideas....see what happens. i'm sending you luck and mommy hugs!

Prncss,<p>Hi again. <p>Something else came to mind as I read your posts.<p>You keep dwelling on the difference between how you are treated and your brother are treated. No two relationships are identical. Your father will always treat you and your brother differently because you are different people. You mom probably treats the two of you differently too. <p>What I am going to talk about here is not to defend your dad. It does sound like he does not handle things well. It sounds like he has very touchy emotions and lets those dictate how he interacts with his children. Instead I want to focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better and handle him better. <p>I treat all three of my children differently. Why? Because they are different people with different personalities and different needs. <p>My 14-year-old son no longer lives with us. He is in a hospital where he can get help with problems from some horrible things that happened to him. He was the victim of a very bad crime. He has very low impulse control. When he was home he spent a lot of him in his room cooling it and figuring out what he did wrong and why I was upset with him. Being around him was very hard because he was like a hot pot. Have you ever touched a hot pot? You pull your hand away very quickly don’t you, so that you don’t get burned? I also spent a lot of time working with him trying to find out what was wrong. Why he was so angry. I took him out a lot for private talks. It took 2 years of this to get him to open up and tell us what had happened. I get him a lot of special things to do like models. Things that would calm him down and help him focus. I still get him those because they are very good for him to do in the hospital. Now that he is in the hospital he struggles with feeling like he is excluded from the family. But that is where he needs to be. We cannot give him the help he needs here at home.<p>My 13-year-old son is the biggest sweetheart but I think the term ‘couch potato’ was invented just for him. I spend a lot of time bugging him to get up and do something, anything and for gosh sakes to do his homework, chores and clean his room. But I also spend a lot of time cuddling with him because he’s cuddly.<p>My 12-year-old daughter is hard working and very organized. When she wants to she will clean the entire house without my saying a word to her. She will help me cook, etc. So to thank her I often spend special time with her or buy her little presents. On the other had she can be the nastiest, snottiest person you ever saw. So when she’s like that, she is sent to her room because no one in the family wants their day ruined by that mood.<p>So all my kids are treated differently according to what they need. But I love them all the same. <p>And you know what, they all complain that I like the others better, that I treat the others better. Each one of them thinks they have it worse then the other two. When one of them starts telling me how miserable and unloved they are and how I love the others more and how the others get more then they do, do you know what my reaction is? At first I used to get defensive just like your dad does. I used to try to explain to them why things were different for each of them. Well, since they are junior lawyers in training, they could argue anything I said. I gave up on that one. Today, when they say that my pat answer is… “Yep, you are each different. I treat you accordingly.” And that is the end of the discussion. Yes I know that kids hate those types of responses from parents. But parents hate the constant complaining.<p>So, after all that long-winded stuff, here’s my point. If what you are doing is not working, then do something else. Have you ever gotten a satisfactory response form your dad by complaining that your brother gets more and that he likes your brother more? NOPE. So why do it any more? In order for your relationship with your dad to change and improve, one of you is going to have to make the first change. I’m afraid that you are going to have to be the ‘adult’ in this situation. <p>It seems that your dad feels slighted by you because you do not change your plans for him. Well you don’t need to change your plans for him. But do things to show him that he is special. Now men understand action better then they understand words. Women love to use tons of words. Try an experiment. To get through to you dad use an action. As I suggested before, call him up and ask him out for the ice cream. Then when you are out with him don’t complain once. Ask him how things are with him and tell him how school has been going for you. That’s it, only fun, no complaining. You will find that if you change the way you relate to your dad, he will change how he relates to you.

Hey Princess!
I don't have any magical answers, but wanted you to know that your are a very special person to be able to express yourself so well here & voice your concerns.
Most of my intial thoughts have already been expressed, like each child is different & usually gets different kinds of attention. You recognised that Dad's are not perfect, but I can understand how you feel and you can clearly see some unfair treatment.
I don't know your dad, but I am sure he loves you, it just might be that for some reason he does not or has not learned how to show his love to his girls. I know that many times the way we act towards our loved ones is determined by how our parents acted. I believe in most cases, as adults we do not think about why we feel certain ways or why we may treat certain people differently, but we instinctively develop attitudes when we are growing up that may not be healthy or mature. Generally we get these from examples of how our parents were, but we may not even realise this.
I want to emphasise that the way your dad seems to be unfair is not because of something you did! -- He may not realise how it seems that he is being unfair or realise how you feel.
He may be mad at somone else, like your mom maybe & he is being selfish and perhaps subconsciuosly or totally unintentionally taking it out on you & your sis -- ???
It sounds like you are very mature for your age & that you've perhaps had to face some difficulties that has made you face some difficult feelings. Sometimes we adults do not act in mature ways and say & do things that are hurtful and unfair and sometimes we do not even relaise what we are doing. We develop these little habits over time.
I know that sometimes guys develop this idea that a son is special and that it is the son that will carry on the "family" name and all. Sometimes I know that dad's can carry this idea too far, where they don't give their daughter the attention & love they deserve --I know that most Dad's have a special relationship with their daughters-- it is differnt, but not less love or unfair. But again, guys that I have known that are so wrapped up into their sons that they ignore the daughters, they don't realise it -- it is like they live in another world. ??? It is a mystery of life & unfortunatley us adults do not always know the answers.
But be assured you are just as deserving of love & attention as your brother!!
Perhaps you should think about writing a nice letter and telling your dad how much you love him and then gently outline a few things you've mentioned here -- this would be difficult cause you would not want to make it seem that you are telling him how he should act, cause he would likely get upset. But he may not realise how you feel or your perspective of these things & if you can communicate these things to him in a non-judgemental way, he would probably appreciate it.
We are all different kinds of people and I am lucky enough to have both a son & a daughter, aged 31 & 26 & I love them both very dearly and I would want to know if either my son or daughter felt I showed favaortism cause I would not want either of them to feel rejected in any way.
Your dad may have some things going on in his life that he is dealing with & he has lost sight of these things ??? I know it hurts regardless of the reasons & there is no good reason to overlook a child, but again it is not your fault!
Something I am trying to learn is that other people in my life don't always treat me the way I would want to be treated, but I have to learn that I can't control how another person acts. I can only try my best to continue to treat people like I would want to be treated. And remind myselve that I am a good person & am deserving of love and attention and if other person chooses to ignore that part, to try & not let it get me down -- I know it is difficult though! Sometimes the other person will see the error in their ways, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes they have these "programs" in their head & it is difficult to change these programs, they have developed their atttitudes and such over years & just cannot change them over night.
Thanks for posting, it is always good to get some insights from young people and see what is going on with them!
I'll keep you in my prayers!
HUGS, [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH

Thank you, all for your replys. Ya'll have givin me a new way to look at things. And i'm gonna give some of ya'll ideas. But at the moment he's out of town.

Prncss, I'm going to take another chance here, and I guess from the responses it may not be taken well. You sound like a smart cookie to me, much like my daughter, who is half a set of twins, so the sibling stuff is an every day part of life. And, for any one that wants to try, having twins is no picnic [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
That not withstanding Prncess, you have the right to be mad, you have the right to tell your Dad that you feel like you are not treated right, but you also have the right to say "STOP!!!, I don't want to be monkey in the middle " Your shoes, your clothes, your roof over your head should not be the worry of a child of 13, who's greatest worry should be completing middle school and making the grades to get into high school. Let your parents worry about the shoes, the clothes, the rent and all the rest of that "stuff" [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] , you deal with making the grades, not making your parents marriage work, cause that is their problem right now, not your's sweetie [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Sorry to sound mad and harsh, but if parents need kids to work stuff out, then who is the kid and who is the parent?<p>P.S. I know I will get flamed, but I am just only thinking about the kid/kids this time around, K?

lyndy666:<p>No flames from me..and I'm her mom..this is something she stuggles with..and asked if she could post here to see how other adults view this or if their kids may struggle with the same type of things..and give her some insight I haven't..<p>her dad and I are divorced..and she understands
she can't change that..she talks to me about her feelings..on most things..not everything..but I respect that..and these feelings are hers towards her father..and because we are divorced I try to stay out of 'their' relationship, it's something
they need to figure out..just like her and I work on ours..I do try to encourage her to talk to her father about her feelings..be they good or bad..<p>She also knows I am in school full-time and working part-time..so money is tight..which is
why she asked her dad about the shoes..<p>I really do appreciate everyone's input here to her..as she really is trying to understand
things and figure out how to handle the feelings she has inside..and I know she doesn't want to resent her father..which is what she struggling with..<p>Her and I talked earlier this evening about this post and I asked her if it was helpful to her..
she said it was..and that she especially liked
that a few fathers posted as well..to give their
male perspective..it gives her something to hash through and figure out what's the best way to approach her dad..<p>So again, I'd like to thank you all for being so
supportive of a young child who is struggling through the aftermaths of a divorce..and allowing her to step out of her comfort zone seeking help
and finding people out there who really do care..