Okay, so we had d-day#2 a week ago. OW called WH on cell phone, left message, I cracked into his voicemail. WH seemed very sorry, called a couple of our church friends and confessed, even agreed to see one of our church elders. WH agreed he would have to live in a glass house for a while originally, then a couple days later the anger came out, and he said he couldn't deal with living that way. He changed his voicemail code, and practically sleeps with his cell phone. I'd like to get it and check call logs, but i'm terrified he'll wake up and catch me! (Big LB!)
What do yall think, is he hiding something from me?
Thankfully, the past few days we've been able to talk calmly, he even read SAA! I asked him what he thought about the honesty part of the book, and he said he was still working on that. I told him I wish he could tell me, and he implied that he would later, when he could (emotionally)
I'd love to hear your thoughts on all this.
Thanks for listening

kk2002<p>My thought on this would be that your H is trying to hide something. Why would he practically sleep with the phone unless there was something he didn't want you to see or hear?<p>A WS has to eventually learn that his/her life has to be an open book. Total access. Access codes, bill, records, desk drawer, etc.... Anything and everything should be available to the BSs eyes and ears. No less. That is kind of hard if one is trying to hide something.<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Regretting ]</p>

Regretting,
Yes I know that this is an indication that he's hiding something. Why doesn't he just come out and tell me. I've run out of ways to snoop, thanks to him, unless I buy a voice-activated recorder and hide it in his car. has anyone tried that?
kk

KK,<p>Tried it, it worked. $35, and i would do it again in about a nanosecond. Sounds like you and i are in the same situcation. my wh does sleep with his cell phone. they are currently seeing eachother. he is moving out in september. (money issues). I have decided to move on i think. let me know how it goes saracrockett@yahoo.com [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I have really mixed feelings about this. My WH hides his cell phone too -- because he knows I was checking it as I was dumb enough to confront him. If they continue to hide it; it probably means that the contact is continuing. My WH gets very sorry and then very angry when he thinks I have been snooping. The hiding of the cell phone just tells me that the A has not completely ended. At some point in the not too distant future, it will be time for me at least to go to plan B. <p>In some ways it might be better not to snoop while you're trying to plan A. I know it made me nuts when I found something even if I did not confront him and it probably affected how I acted/was able to implement plan B. So, based upon that and what I've seen others post here, I would advise not snooping while you are trying to do plan A unless you really can keep your emotions in check (too hard for me). If he's still hiding/sleeping with the cell phone in a few weeks, I will simply approach him and say "I have noticed that you continue to hide your wallet and keep your cell phone hidden. What that says to me is that you have continuing contact. Would it be alright with you if we could go over your cell phone log together so that I can see that I am just paranoid?" If he balks; then I will know.<p>So sorry you are going through this -- it is a little disturbing, but comforting to hear that others are experiencing this ridiculous secret life baloney with the WH. <p>Peace.

Cloudy Day and Unsureheart,
Thanks for the replies. Yes, it is nice to know others are going thru this. you never know how you're going to react until it happens to you. I've had countless friends tell me to just leave him, but they've never gone through this. I've learned a lot about patience, and praying!
I'll let you know how things go.
KK

Hi, K
many prayers, and thoughts. I too know where you are coming from. keep a clear head, do something nice for yourself today. Look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud that you are OK. (positive reinforcement) I found a cool quote that helped me when i was at my worst. <p>I don't have to trust (you) not to hurt me anymore, I have to trust myself to be ok when you do. <p>trust yourself, im ok, not great, but ok- my husband of 10 years is currently seeing a stripper, married 5 times, living with number 6 and cheating with my husband #7. we have agreed to make it to sept 3rd, then he is going to choose. I am plan aing my A** off, but i am almost to the point of losing all love for him. it hurts me to stay, but i do believe that two wrongs don't make a right, and leaving is wrong for me right now. best wishes, Isaiah 41:13
For I, the LORD, THY GOD, WILLLLLLLL hold thy right hand, saing unto thee, FEAR NOT I WILL HELP THEE.

cloudy day,
I left you an email on yahoo, I'm asking about your digital voice recorder.
KK

KK
saracrockett@yahoo.com or sunnyday19672002@yahoo.com
its not there [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hugs,

KK,
How are you, sending Him prayers for you!!!
s

Ohhh YES ... I've been there. My H WAS sleeping with his cell phone and his pager. How ridiculous.<p>I would say your H does have intentions of wanting to participate in Recovery, altho I think he feels he should be in charge of handling the OW side of things. And probably feels bad for her .... <GAG>. This is quite common with the WS hanging onto contact using several lame excuses. They don't seem to understand that it needs to be done COLD TURKEY ... there is no easy way. <p>Have you considered a coaching session with the Harleys' to help you with "No Contact"? It's well worth the $$.<p>Best to you, KK2002.<p>Lv,
Jo

Here's my take; sure you can record (Radio Shack sells micro-recorders that are Voice-activated for $50-120, easy. Cars have many places to hide things.
You can also probably get at his cell phone records thru the internet. If he hasn't done it, just create an account on his cell company web site.
If he has done it, you can get the passcode by trying to log in and telling them you forgot it. They'll email it to you, or send it to the phone (choose a time when he's in the shower or something)<p>But that's not really my point. You can snoop, spy, get phone records, whatever, but what for? If you want to confirm your suspicions, OK, do it. But then what? confrontation? OK, sometimes that's good if they haven't confessed, but it sounds like it's in the open, so what now? another confrontation? for what? what's the purpose of it? Is it going to further yoyr Plan? How?<p>I'm speaking from my experience. My WW has had an on-going EA for 8 months since I discovered it. It hasn't ended, and she knows I know. But I've been Plan Aing big time, and I'm OK about it now. It doesn't freak me out anymore. Why, because now I'm ready to give her up if I have to.
So I continue to be loving and caring, and have made many changes, and ever so slowly, she's starting to do the same. Very slow, very tentative, sometimes she slips backwards, but we're slowly moving again.<p>So do I need to know if they spoke today? or yesterday? No. I know they speak. Do I need to know what they said? No, I've heard it all before.<p>Work on detaching from this pain. THAT is the only thing that works. Then, and only then, will you be able to have the clarity of mind, and the calm required to Plan A, to show them you can survive, that you don't need them. When they start seeing, "Oh my G--, my W/H might actually leave me because of this", that's when you have a chance at recovery. Wheteher it happens in Plan A, Plan B, after D, that is when it will happen. When they see you ARE ready to dump them and you're not willing to be run over any more.<p>Don't get me wrong, there's no threats, no outbursts, just a very calm voice and demeanor that says "I love you, I'd like to work this out, I'll do what it takes, but you cannot continue to cross that line if you want to keep me on board this way. Be advised, if you don't start getting with the program, my patience WILL run out, and when it does, you've lost me...gone"<p>my 2 cents.

Hi - I found out about my WH's affair last July. He finished with 'her' a week later despite being madly in love with 'her. However, it took him until December to stop talking to 'her' on his phone. I would constantly ask him to stop the contact as that would be the only way to get over it, but he said that 'she' was phoning him and he couldn't not speak to 'her' - that they were 2 people deeply in love who couldn't be with each other!!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] He changed the code on his phone so I couldn't get into it as he said that I shouldn't snoop on his phone. He couldn't seem to understand that he had to be totally honest with me. His argument was that when he was I just got upset so it was better that he didn't tell me when she phoned. Eventually I watched him key in his code and found it out so I could monitor their calls and text messages, but I had to be careful that I didn't say anything that would make him realise that I knew the code.<p>Since the contact has stopped my WH has been able to show me more and more affection. The OW has gone around the world for 10 months which has given us the space to rebuild our marriage again. The affair is never mentioned now.<p>I know exactly how you feel about the phone. From my experience they obviously are still in contact via the phone - don't you wish you could just throw it in the nearest river!? I still hate that phone - it was due to reading a text message from 'her' on it that I discovered the affair. <p>In the months that followed their break-up I also needed to know what was going on, however much it hurt me, but my WH seemed to need to gradually withdraw from the OW. Although he couldn't bring himself to leave me, the infatuation with 'her' was so strong he found it very difficult to let go. Once he had though, his way back to me was so much easier without any contact from 'her'.

If a WS wants to recover, they will GIVE you access to everything. You won't need to snoop.<p>First of all, has your WH promised no contact?
When he makes that promise, you also have to put all your boundries in place. Tell him that you want access to all records, passwords etc.<p>If he has NOT made that promise, then quit snooping, quit demanding -- and get on with your Plan A.

Resilient: thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm considering the couching session with the Harley's, problem is WH is jobhunting, and the only money coming in is from my teaching job, so....we'll have to wait on that. I'm not sure he totally understands the necessity of no contact.<p>Spacecase: I love the attitude you're able to have and I do so want to get there. My problem right now is that I'm not sure whether there's contact now or not. We've had two d-days, and both times I snooped and caught him, otherwise I would have thought we were in recovery, when we really weren't. Both times i had a "gut" feeling that something was going on, but maybe my gut is working overtime?<p>Squidge: I appreciate your reply. It's great to hear from others who have gone through the same thing. The thought of WH going through a gradual release of OW distresses me. I want it to go away NOW, yesterday would have been better. Not sure IF there is contact or not.<p>Lexxy: I totally understand where you're coming from, about the plan A and all. I thought WH really wanted recovery, but the past few days he's been acting irritable, and critical of me, which was how he was before. I just want to know if there is any contact. I am plan A'ing and doing pretty well. I love WH, and I want full recovery.<p>Thanks to all, God bless.
KK