I keep venting and I'm done. In addition to continuing the A and having no interest in counseling or reconcilation, my WH lied to me about money and I discovered it this morning. He has never done this before and now we are in trouble.
Since then I have taken him off the checking account, made arrangements so we didn't have to connect when we exchange kids, and changed other situations that I "needed" him for (lawn,etc). I acknowledge this will make any reconnectness difficult and that is why I did it. I can't do it anymore or think about whether or not he's coming back...it hurts too much and leaves an open wound. I need to continue with the grieving process. Once we start negot. about property and debt, we will probably never speak again. I have been postponing it cuz of the effect that I know it'll have (Besides being a stay at home mom and p/t during something else, in a past life [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am a lawyer and have done my research) and up until now, I really was hoping I didn't have to push these issues. He had the nerve to tell me today during one of 5 awful telephone conversations that I made it hard to be honest because of my reaction to everything. He asked me not to change the checking account (first time since he left that he has sounded desparate and asked for something) but I told him that I couldn't trust him (which I can't).
I appreciate all of your efforts to keep me encouraged and I believe in what you're doing. I think with a different WP, one that actually thinks and would participate in counseling, I could have held on longer. But I can't take the constant up and down of this (I was warned about the rollarcoaster) and my constant angry outbursts that inflate the situation. I wish you all the best and I hope to report in a year that I am happy, healthy and able to support my kids.
God bless you all and pray for me in my own recovery.
Can't sleep

Rereading my post after the end of a draining day. Still feel that I am doing the right thing but so wishing my WH would call and say, "Let's stop this now." But he hasn't and won't and I am sad it has come to this conclusion. I can't believe that OW is more important to him than me and his family. It's a rotten time period in my life and I wish I could wake=up and it'd be one year from now.
Thanks for listening.

Would a separation ( plan B ) for a while help in any way? You wouldn't have to deal with him and he might realize he made a big mistake. <p>Sorry for your pain, Hope you are OK.

cant sleep,
No pearls of wisdom, no easy answers.<p> Just wanted you to know lots of people read threads but dont post.<p> You are not alone.

Thanks. We are separated already and prior to today had alot of contact because of the kids. Thanks and I'll still lurk [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] because I am happy for those of you turning your life and/or marriage around and admire those trying.
Thanks.

Sorry I didn't study your signature line better, I would have seen that you were separated.
You are in a hard spot. Hardship tears down some , builds up others. I believe you will be stronger, and better for your experience. <p>Plan A has saved some marriages but it is mostly for you. You can work on yourself and improve your self esteem and much about your life. With improvement comes increased happiness. I can speak on this one from experience, I have been helped tremendously. <p>I recommend you hang around, let us know how you are doing, and continue to study and learn.
You can vent when things are hard, have people to talk to when you need to talk. <p>We care about you.
Hope for your best future.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>

can't sleep-
i feel that same way sometimes.if the affair is not over, if the WS will not go to counseling, then why sit and wait and to see what might happen next. it is torture on the BS. BS needs to do what is best for them and the children involved.<p>my husband is going to his first counseling session tonight. because i told him if he didn't then he could not live here. (the affair is over but they work together and she doesn't know that i know about the affair) i hope to get some good results from tonights meeting but if not i feel like we are at ground zero, again.<p>i think it is fine that you are being tough on him. i don't want to be second choice either. maybe you and the kids could go somewhere fun for a while or at least go visit friends or family to get away. <p>good luck
M=5yrs
d-day=4-20-02
son=4, daughter=due in june

Hi Cant- I can certainly relate to your feelings of having a H who didnt end his A for quite some time after I found out. Dr. Harley's book says that most affairs die out on their own within 6 months and fortunately that proved to be true in my case though it was torturous while H was still carrying on with OW. However in my case I refused to give up 15 yrs of what was usually a decent marriage and have my kids have to deal with OW so I hung in there.( OW was a single coworker of H who fantasized about being step-mom to my 3 kids and here I have been a SAHM mom to them!) It is a tough spot to be in no matter what you decide to do.Alot can change in the 2-3 months after d-day- that seems to be a usual time that the WS begins to have a reality check.( along with alimony and lots of child support wake-up call!) Have you read the book Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? It is really good and I'd recommend it to you. Take care- lifesismessy

Heenie: How did the counseling session go? How do you feel about it?
LIM: You'd be so proud of me. I ordered Surving the Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and requested Divorce Remedy, Dobson's Tough Love, and Private Lies from the library. I think these are the majority of the books that everyone has been recommending to me. I have Divorce Busters and Relationship Rescue, Concious (sp) Divorce and Surviving Infidelity (which I hated). I'll soon be burning the midnight oil more constructively rather than staring into space.
Bye.

Dear Cant- I AM proud of you! That is terrific that you are getting those books to help you understand what is REALLY going on and I think you will learn SO MUCH from reading them! Those books you are getting are really the cream of the crop! Believe me I KNOW! I made Amazon rich last year- now I am gradually selling those same books on half.com and getting most of my money back! The most important thing to remember is you are NOT alone!!! Others have snowplowed thru this living nightmare before you and we can try to help! Are you taking a strong anti-D? I take effexor time release-it is one of the newer meds- both an anxiety and depression med all in one and the 125 mg a day dose realy helped me start to sleep at night. Take care- lifeismessy

CS-<p>I'm so glad that you have decided to stay with MB and are starting to read those books. I have read several of them and they have been a tremendous help. Remember that Plan A is all about you, improving yourself and making you the best Cant Sleep there is. I think those books are a very important first step towards doing that.<p>Hang in there, better days are a-coming. It may not seem like it right now, but believe me, they are! We will all be here whenever you need us.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I feel such a split between my family/friends and MB information. I read here and I think..maybe it can work out. Then, in my counseling session today, it seemed so obvious that WH is completely gone to me and at a different stage in the mourning process. He is ahead of me because he knew he was leaving one or two months before he left.
I am going to work on myself. I spent last night in tears, today is alitte better but I LB'd big time this morning. I left 6 messages for WH (2 of them crappy about OW and him) and he hasn't called back. I asked him to and he usually does. I may just have sealed my fate with my ridicolus, rageful behavior. I am going to ask him for more help with the kids. I am overwhelmed with looking for a job etc.
My goal is not to call him for the rest of today and tomorrow. Baby steps.
Bye.

Way to go, stick to it, you can you can you can. I am working so hard not to LB now in my life. it feels like the minutes are creeping by, doesn't it.
When things go wrong, and they will
DON'T QUIT I won't, We can do this.

Thanks. Yes, minutes are so slow...For some reason, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop(I think I mixed cliches). Since H hasn't returned p/c, I feel like he going to tell me tonight that he wants no contact or something awful. It's a strange strong feeling.
Can someone address the split that I feel? One part of my life is concentrated on its over, it's over (friends, family, counseling) and the part that concentrates on work on yourself and it may or maynot be over.
I am not dialing the phone.

Dear Can't Sleep,<p>last night,while my wh was drunk he told me that i can't make up my mind what i want him to do, split personality i guess LOL <p>Your doing fine, talk to me, don't call LOL [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

This might give you some hope. <p>Lostva's story<p>Go about 6 down to Lostva's big post ( there is a small one only a few down, go past that.)<p>I don't know if you have seen it before -

Can't Sleep-
Man.....where to start....<p>I hope you stick around. MB residents can do wonders as well as the books you are reading. <p>It does sound to me that part of you wants to be with him and the other part resents him. You sound very angry. I don't blame you. After I found out about my H's 32 A's and that he even moved one into MY house with MY things during one of our many separations, I could have blown him and her up. To this day I don't think I've forgiven him for that ultimate betrayel. <p>I felt so betrayed that he was in deep with this woman and that he didn't seem to care about what I was feeling and going through. I felt that he was going on with his life as though my D and I did not have any importance anymore in his life. How dare he? How could he do this to me after all I've been through and sacrificed for him? It's not fair that I have to struggle while he goes on with life as though there are no problems and with another woman at that. How dare he give another W the life that he should be giving me? I will make him pay. I will make him suffer. He will see what he lossed; the best W he will ever have. <p>Man, was I so angry and hurt. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You have every right to be angry. It is hitting you hard now. Anger has it's advantages and disadvantages as you are finding out. You are right. Baby steps is all you can do at this time. This time should be about you though. Don't make it all about him anymore. <p>What are you truly feeling? Write it down. Vent on MB. Do all you can not to LB. I think you should NOT call him atleast for a couple days. I think you should maybe wait a few days and then write him a letter or email telling him how you are feeling. Maybe apologize for LBing in the phone calls and messages. It is up to him to read it or not; respond to it or not, but don't wait. Then take some time for yourself. Like, perhaps a weekend to yourself. Discuss with him about him keeping the kids on a weekend. If he chooses to say yes, okay, if not, find someone else to help you. <p>Don't be like me and try to hurt him cause you are hurting. Believe me, it doesn't help or work. You can't control him or make him do something that he doesn't want to do. I think you have to grieve and then put all your thoughts into YOUR life. Concentrate on making your life the way you want it. Do it for you and noone else. Everyday gets easier. One day at a time.<p>By all means, please stick around MB so we won't worry about you. Hug, hugs, and more hugs. PLEASE STAY!!<p>Clouds

That split your feeling is perfectly normal and natural. The family part of you is fighting to keep your family together, fighting for you, your H and the kids. Its saying, 'look H, we can work through this, we can make it, its not the end of the world" The other part is like a defense mechanism, telling you that it is over and trying to keep you from getting hurt more than you already are. In a way, kinda like the glass half full/half empty scenario.<p>You've heard almost all of us explain the roller coaster ride, right, well guess what, you are riding on it too. Just keep your arms and legs inside the car and you will be ok. Your doing fine, yes you LB-ed with the phone calls, but that's ok, just learn from it and move on, it wasn't that bad, I've done a lot worse.<p>Don't expect anything and you wont be disappointed. Yes, H should be helping out with the kids, it shouldn't be forced on him, he should want to spend as much time with them as possible, I have my kids almost everyday and it still isn't enough! But, don't expect him to help out because for whatever reason, he probably wont.<p>Read 'Love Must be Tough', its a great book, especially the part where Dobson explains how you have to open the cage door and let H fly away, give him the freedom he thinks he wants. I have a feeling that the more you work on yourself and become stronger, secure and independent, H will start to notice and take a whole new interest in you. Unfortunately, you have to give it time and have a lot of patience. Your M is not over, believe me, but for now, its time to focus on you and your kids. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey everyone..I haven't called. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] WH did return my phone call from this morning. He couldn't have been nicer...very chatty for him..in fact, I ended the conversation (pleasantly). He agreed to all my questions about the kids. He called the kids an hour later to talk (I passed the phone around and said hi and bye). I suspect he called because he is on his way over to OW and wanted to get the bedtime phone call over with early. He still doesn't talk about OW or that he stayed over there last night or anything about her (no, I didn't ask) but lying by omission. I wish he would make it public. Why won't he? I haven't asked him once to move back in since he left, only to go to counseling in the beginning. It seems if he would be more open, if the A is going to end, it might end faster.
Lostva's story is wonderful...truly wonderful. Her WS said he was in love with OW,etc. is my WH protecting the OW because he truly likes her and wants it to be respectable someday?
My counselor recommended "Necessary Losses" to me. I am going to start it tonight until I get the other books. Anybody read it?
Thanks all..you're a lifeline.
-CS

This is my first bump. I am assuming it is used when one is hoping for replies. Let me know if this is incorrect. Also, what does LOL mean?
Thanks.