Are there any members who are currently working not waiting to try to rebuild their marriages? <P>I figure most success stories have moved on and we only get people who are in the hold mode or couldn't get the marriage to work - no matter how hard they tried.

I'm in the working mode. In fact today my wife and I have our first session with Dr. Harley.

dhj,<P>I've worked through my wife's affair (ended a year ago), and we've been very successful at rebuilding our marriage. Things are great---just a couple issues to iron out.<P>There have been several success stories here. What's your question (other than "yes, this process CAN work")?

dhj - yes, I am one who is in the "working" mode. I did not find this board while I was in the waiting mode - wish I had - that was the most painful period of my life - waiting for my husband to decide he wanted to try to save our marriage. Even after he said he was going to work on the marriage he continued with the ow for a period of time and during that time their relationship went from emotional to sexual. The affair ended five months ago but they still work together. I am now very hopeful but know we still have a lot of difficult and painful work to do - so I am still hanging out on this board. I am hoping that those of us in the "working on it" mode can lend support and advice to each other and to those who are still hoping to get past the wait.

K - In case you read this again.<P>I mainly just like to know that there are people out there who have gone thru this and it worked - that there relationships are better than ever. <P>I have only known about 3 1/2 weeks, but suspected affair for a while. My H has put OW on hold, but sleeps in our guest room. I really want to work it out, he is not sure. The bad thing is she works for him - sees her everyday. I just hope finds a new job fast! He is looking several states away. Or even better she quits tomorrow! He gives me mixed signals - I still have hope. We are in counselling.

dhj,<P>Counseling is good. Him breaking off all contact is essential---but it may not happen for a while. You have to prepare for this, but there's little you can do to make it happen. If you haven't, discuss your desire to have him cease all contact with her. Learn to have these discussions without "lovebusters." You can't demand it---you should only request.<P>3.5 weeks is a short time into this process, and you're going to hit a lot of ups and downs. I'd suggest that you by a copy of "Surviving an Affair". If you're feeling that your emotions are spinning out of control, see your doctor to get on anti-depressants. I'd suggest that route before going to OTC stuff like St. John's Wort or SAM-e (which are less likely to be effective).<P>It worked for us, dhj. I did solo counseling with Steve Harley for a long time---I focused on changing my behaviors while my wife was having an affair. When I first discovered it, it blew me away. And I thought that we'd be recovered in a month or two. If anyone would have told me what I would have endured to get to the place we are today---I would have never believed them. I wouldn't think that the process could work, and I would have NEVER believed that I was strong enough. But we did it.<P>You can too. Get a good team around for you for support, and fight for the marriage. Your first focus should be on eliminating "Lovebusters" from your marriage; that's covered in SAA.

K- <P>I notice differences in him when she is out of the office or on the weekends. He is more open to me. Our friendship never sufferd during the affair - We had sexual problems stemming from childbirth. I even had to go back for surgury. In addition that level of intimacy you have when you are sexually close. Anyway, my hope is there since he at least has her "on hold" and admits he loves me and that our marriage was good and probably can be saved. If he agrees to work on the marriage, it will be so hard while we still live her - even if she quits. I feel like I would want us to go ahaead and put our house a=on the market and move when it sells instead of waiting on the perfect job. If he did that, I feel that would be a major step in the right direction. His career means so much to him that putting it on hold and putting us first for a change would be proof that he really wants it to work. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. I just don't want to start over with someone. I want my son to have at least one brother or sister. I was ready to try for number two when I found out!<P>I have rambled enough - Thanks for support!

Not to jump in, with a negative thought....but...<P>Yest I'm working at it, yest he is working at it, but it just doesn't feel like we are on the same team anymore......Maybe having the same goal, is enough, but that something I miss, we were on the same side before....<P>It's so encouraging though to read about the successes.....<P>Just my thoughts!

dhj,<P>We are almost 2 years into recovery from my wife's 2 one night stands w/internet scum. We read and followed the advice in the books 'His needs and Her needs' by Dr. Harley and one called "The five love languages' by Chapman(?). It has not been easy but our marriage is better than it ever was. Her affairs(?) obviously let us know there were some serious problems between us. We have fixed things that were wrong before. So you can fix things and go on with your life together. It certainly takes an honest committment from both of you to make it happen though. <P>So on the one hand our marriage is without a doubt better. What is gone for ever is the blind trust I had in her. And to me it is like losing your virginity, once it's gone, it's gone. I figure there will always be just the tiniest bit of a doubt on my part. Why? quite simply because it DID happen once when I never never thought it would and NOTHING will ever change that! It's like that old saying "you can run but you can't hide". <P>Best of luck to you and yours. <P>PS If you are wondering why I lurk here if things are so well now, it's because reading posts here helps me keep my situation in perspective. It's like therapy for me. And hey, IT'S FREE! LOL.<P>------------------<BR>

The only difference between your situation and mine when I first started posting, is that your husband acknowledges, and mine doesn't.<P>I decided rather than spending my time snooping to prove it to him (because I thought that d-day was the first step WRONG) that I would decide it happened and move on to a plan.<P>I started a predisclosure plan A. It has changed the marriage at a 150 degree turn. ( I won't say 180 because I know there's more hurdles. ) <P>#1 thing that made it start working is the support here - which I believe God led me to.<BR>#2, no love busters, #3, trying to meet his emotional needs, #4 - time.<P>There are more hurdles. Emotional honesty (I thought it was his problem, discovered it had to start with me.)<P>My marriage has been enjoyable lately, and has given hope to my divorced son - my other son who is not married but afraid to marry, and my newly married daughter. Our 6 year old is more loving to me as a result.<P>Yes, there are many of us who have decided to quit waiting and start working - and seeing the results! I hope you do too.

Yes, there are success stories out here....but you are right that most of them "move on" after a while. I don't post here much any more because my life has changed by my getting a new job that doesn't allow much time for coming here. I also realized that too much time here was not good for me.....we really have to learn to balance our time posting and staying away once the worst of the crisis is over. But I do still come here to do what you are asking for....to share that there is hope for a new, better marriage after infidelity. The key is to practice patience, honesty and lots of love....to realize that your marriage didn't get here overnight and you won't heal overnight either. This is a process and it takes time. <P>I agree with K that you need to talk honestly and calmly with your husband about his changing jobs if the ow stays there. Along with the temptation that she might represent and the confusion her presence creates, she is also going to always be a negative reminder for him and for you and neither of you needs that. Your marriage needs a positive focus.<P>I also agree that you read some books. I've read SAA (Harley), HNHN (Harley), Ater the Affair (Janis Spring), Torn Asunder (Dave Carder) and some really good books on building a healthy relationship as well. My favorite of the ones I listed is Torn Asunder....but you read them yourself and decide which best fits your situation and needs. You may well pull good advice from all of them.<P>At 3 1/2 weeks you are extremely early into this process and things are complicated by your husband's ambivalence. Don't panic or make any decisions in haste or anger. It is fine to let him know that you are hurt and angry, but also focus on the fact that you love him and want to build a new marriage with him. I think the last part is essential.....you don't want to "go back" to the old marriage, there were flaws in it that made it vulnerable to attack. You want to examine it and find the flaws and work to build something stronger and better. You also need to deal with the affair itself and get it put in its proper place. I can testify that this is possible. We are 17 months since the revelation and end of my husband's brief affair and we have a wonderful marriage now....it wasn't terrible before but it is much better now. We communicate much more openly and honestly than we had in a long time. I'll admit that we have had a pretty ideal situation, but I think the important thing is that we have healed.<P>Take a deep breath and slow down.....remember that anything worth doing is worth taking your time and doing right the first time......take things one minute, one hour, one day at a time. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

I feel H and I are a success story. If there are degrees of betrayal then ours was what would be considered light. Not to say it didn't, and still does, hurt or that recovery has been easy..it hasn't, but we are healing. <P>We got a wake up call, a huge sign from God that we were going in the wrong direction and we turned things around. We sought counseling, bought one of Harley's books, took the emotional needs questionaire and talk and talk and talk about our marriage. <P>We feel grateful to be where we are now. I still cry, just about every day because grief takes time to manage. But things are better and I can see the big picture of our marriage and just not H's affair anymore.<P>Good luck...I remember those early weeks. Breathe, pray and know that you are not alone.<P>------------------<BR>Joan

How do you get around your spouse working in the same place. This is the position that I'm in. I feel like I have to overcome two lovers ,om and her job. How can we work on our marriage when we aren't togther ?

I went through full disclosure last august, when ow came to my house and told me she would stay away from him. never believe an adulteress!<BR>he got a new job a couple months later, i begged him not to hire her, he did, he was far from home, and he lived with her without my knowledge. bleccchhh.<BR>she called me this time in july, and verified that he and i were NOT getting divorced, and i think she really dumped him this time, as he is making attempts for us to stay together. im still not sure, though, and im very reticent to trust. Im seven months prego, so i can't get divorced, but im not sure that papers would not have been filed otherwise.<BR>so, i'm in limbo. I need to read more books on how horrible divorce is for kids, because right now, my mindset is, "they are young now, i need to get it over with quick and find them a new daddy before they know what is happening". needless to say, that is NOT helping me marriagebuild!<BR>gee, do i sound a little confused?<BR>oh well, at least i can be home with them this way..<BR>pros and cons, pros and cons....<BR>i hope your journey through hell is not so long, but you really are early into it.<BR>my fingers are crossed for you.<BR>julie<BR><P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

To the top, for Noel (you can use the search function---I searched "success"...)

dhj,<P>As I have told you before, I am in basically the same situation as you only a few months down the road. I want you to know it is better!! I am more in love with my husband than ever before and I feel he feels the same. I expect things to only get better. It only happened once he totally got rid of OW.<P>I have considered moving on because at times I get depressed and upset all over reading some of the posts, but I also want to keep myself grounded and remember what I have gone through and how far I have come and know that we are not all there yet.

Hi dhj<P>I have not posted here before, just stumbled across your message. I am 5 months into the healing process after finding out about my wife’s affair, I remember soooo well the early weeks, the feelings that the pain will never go away. Believe me it does get easier, as a couple we are already closer, things are going just great, we have never been so loving and we talk constantly with open and honest communication. It still hurts at times but the roller-coaster had slowed down, the drops are not quite so steep and the low drops don’t last quite so long. I have read several books and most people say it take up to 2 years to get over this, wow that’s a long time! If things carry on the way they are I can’t even imagine how close we will be after 2 years!<P>There is hope, stay strong <BR>

I too feel like H & I are a success story. It happened 1 year ago, I found out on the 21st/Aug. I told (screamed) him to leave - we were DONE. I was about 3 mo. preg (3rd) and almost lost the baby. I just cried for days. I NEVER imagined we could work this out. I mean NEVER. I'm trying to remember how we even got to be where we could talk w/o fighting. I guess some how w/him picking up kids and things like that we started talking and I started to look at what state our marriage was in at the time. I started to see the part I played in our problems. I never blamed myself for the affair but I did take a good look at myself and I found this site. Finding this site really helped me, so so much. It took a long time for H's anger and defensiveness to pass. Now we are at a place where we can really talk. For instance, it was his bday last yr that he took up w/OW and I dreaded his bday this yr. We were away on camping trip and I called to check messages and this dope called my house and left "I just called to say Happy Birthday, I love you". (She lives very far away - and I'm sure there's no contact). It wasnt a major disaster though, we just talked, I didnt freak out and the less I freak out the more he talks. I think he feels safe to talk to me now. I feel so much closer to him. I cant remember feeling like this. I think time really helps. Time and working on yourself. I feel so much stronger now. You cant change someone else but you can change yourself. I am so amazed at where I was one year ago and where I am today. It can work but I think you really have to "get" the lesson it was meant to teach you or else you go back to the same old marriage you had.

dhj, I am in recovery also. Didn't know thats what it was until I came here. My H and I both did alot of love busting. He betrayed me many times over. I betrayed him once. I was very confused when it happened and had D papers filled out. I confronted him on his love busting and he said he was sorry and quit doing it. (didn't know to call it then) He called me on mine and I have stoped also. He told me the OW would talk to him and listen. Also I realized she probably filled a need of his to lift his ego. So I started listening, and complimenting him, something I hadn't been doing. What a difference that made. Now if we can solve other issues, some large ones, we will make it. Hang in there, there is hope, treat each other good. Be friends and then lovers again.<BR>Ginn

Mine isnt a success story quite yet, but getting there. H had a 6 month affair, lived with ow for 2 months, we talked divorce etc, but he moved back 3 months ago.. We doing pretty good, but I saw some signs of withdrawal.. minor stuff compared to what I have read before, but I was right. H confessed that ow had paged him a couple of times and he went right back into withdrawal after doing pretty good the first couple of months.;.. I lovebusted a little, but am working on that.. We are doing pretty good considering the fact that I never even thought it was possible that he would ever be home again...