In trying to be a detective, I got into the email account H gave me. At first (several months ago) he got very pissy when I asked him for his password. Well, finally he gave it to me. I haven't checked it up until this morning.<p>He was out of town all last week and told me he couldn't check his email because his laptop isn't configured with a carrier yet (actually, he's been telling me that it can't be checked from anywhere but work because the server is at work). Today he was nonchalantly telling me that he had tons of work to catch up on. He said he had about 17 new emails and he hadn't even gotten to those yet. So as soon as he left home after lunch, I got on the computer. I checked his email account.<p>Guess what????<p>The email account that he gave me is obviously a dummy account just for me. He apparently has another account. The one I checked this morning had NO emails in it period...except for two test emails that he sent to himself (when he first opened the account) to make sure it was working.<p>Now, two questions. Do I bring up the fact that I know he has another email account? If I do, he will know I am violating his privacy and I don't want him to know that at this point. And, should I go to his work under the pretense of helping him and say "Let me help you sort through all these emails"? (of course, I will be helping him with other stuff as well). There are are other people at his work (In-Laws included) and I don't want to cause a scene or be obvious. How do I find this other email account?<p>Here's something else that I find strange. I worked with hubby and in-laws for 2 years. H and I LOVED working together. I was able to help him and we were able to spend more time together. HE has always said how much he loved having me there....THAT IS.... until now. I asked him a few weeks ago if he would like me to work with him like I used to and he said "No". It suprised me because that is a totally different tune than he had been singing. Now, there could be several reasons. It was stressful working with his parents (although he didn't mention THAT when he told me he didn't want me working there). It could be because the office is pretty small and there isn't enough space (although there is space when he is in a crunch and needs me). He just said "I don't think you would have much fun". WHAT??? Like it was ever fun before...."fun" wasn't even an issue.<p>selket

Oops! I didn't mean to but I started a new thread with my reply!

Clearview, here is your reply on the other thread.....<p>
I don't know what to tell you. I'd say that if he lied and you are sure about that then you should address it before it goes any further.
I am so sorry you are going through this. What happened this weekend after we talked? How were things when he got home?<p>I would definitely make my presence known at work. Who says a wife can't come see her hubby? And Selket dear... no one should have a problem. You've always worked with him. Why should this be any different?<p>The answer he gave you... "You wouldn't have any fun". Isn't that a typical "shy away from the real issue kind of answer"? As if he's looking out for your best interests? I know you and I have both seen this before. <p>Is he spending time on the computer at home? If so, get that spy software and install it. It will tell you every keystroke he uses. Find someway to see what he's up to. Even if you can't afford a private detective, take a cab and wear a hat/wig. See what he does for lunch, right after work. Do you have the cell phone password?<p>I'm not trying to make you think anything more than you already think. You know I am trying to find an alternate explanation for all this. <p>My dear, I love you and am here for you.<p>Clear<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

When H came home on Saturday I was all ready for him.<p>Friday, I had gone to Victoria's Secret and bought a new, very sexy, negligee along with some thigh-highs. Now, it's been a long time since I vamped up like that and let me tell you, he thoroughly enjoyed it. I was at the pool for a few hours on Saturday and I got really rosy (I was glowing) and then I came home and got into the shower. He was here when I got out and since we were alone we took advantage of the situation. It was very, VERY quick. Anyway, we putzed around for awhile and went to dinner at a really nice restuarant. I had a couple of drinks and by the time we got home.....well....I lit several candles and we had the most romantic evening we've EVER had. It was really beautiful.<p>So, I'm wondering....I woke up Sunday still thinking about the night before. He didn't. He didn't say anything about it at all. Not a damn thing...until I asked him and he said "it was good" or something to that effect.<p>All day Sunday, he just seemed distant. By last night, it was back to the old drawing board.<p>After he went to bed, I got his cell phone and he had erased all calls (incoming and outgoing) from his log for the days of Sunday until Thursday. He was with family on Thurs and Fri evenings. So, those called weren't erased. It's very unusual for him to erase calls. That's just not something he ever did before.<p>He doesn't spend time on the computer at home. He does have a laptop that I don't get access to as well as his computer at work. I'm going to his office in about 10 minutes. I don't know how to bring up the email thing.<p>This is just awful. We are married. Why should I even have a problem bringing something like this up? I've always been pretty vocal and now I feel funny about being that way. I shouldn't have to be guarded. UGH!<p>For lunch he usually comes home. Sometimes not. He also usually comes home right after work.<p>sel

hugs sel...<p>I'm not sure what to say... except keep that plan A stuff going and try not to have expectations...<p>...that asking questions stuff always backfires 'cause we want a certain answer and they either don't know what it is or don't want to give it to us...<p>One of the books I read has a plan for if you suspect an affair and want to short-circuit it... (compete w/ OW)... I'll see if I can find it ... if it has anything that seems helpful, something we haven't covered, I will post it to you...<p>Hugs again... <p>Cali

Hey there little Sel ....<p>I'm not really useful in this matter ..(sorry). I am completely stupid with computer investigations.<p>I think in some ways I was fortunate not to discover the A in the early stages ... by the time I made the discovery the bloom was off the romance bud and Mr. Pepper was sorta happy to get this all over with. I think in many ways, it's why our recovery unfolded the way it did. He was no longer infatuated ... just caught up in the addiction and the lies. <p>Can I do anything for you?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Hey there little Sel ....<p>I think in some ways I was fortunate not to discover the A in the early stages ... by the time I made the discovery the bloom was off the romance bud and Mr. Pepper was sorta happy to get this all over with.
Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Pepper, I never thought of it that way.<p>Selket, I too am not very good at this sort of thing. I just want you to know I am here for you.

{{{Sel}}}
My experience was like Pepper's -- I actually think Mr.JJ was relieved that I found out.<p>Definitely show up at the office -- tell him you miss being there and want to help if you have to. Can you get a detailed print out of the cell phone activity? (should show incoming and outgoing calls) I don't know how you could find another e-mail account -- unless you go to the office. Even then, what if he has an account from a free service (like we do) -- where would you even start if he doesn't have it bookmarked?<p>One thing your post made me think about....
don't let fear prevent you from talking to Mr.Sel
or finding out. I knew something was wrong, even knew who I thought the OW was, but I think fear prevented me from really pursuing it...denial and believing Hubby was easier. (Until I had proof in my hands that I couldn't ignore)<p>Oh Sel....I wish I could reach out and hug you!
I keep hoping and praying that there's logical explanations for his behavior. We're all here for you! I'll e-mail you more later.<p>Love,
JJ

Selket, I think there is a good reason he doesn't want you at the office because #1 that is where he access his web based e-mail or chat account and #2 this is where he has much of the contact with the 20 something co-worker. I know you would like something innocent to explain this away but couple this with the erased call logs on his cell phone and well... there you go.<p>Keep up the plan A like Cali suggested and keep privately investigating. DO NOT confront him until you have good solid proof that he's been philandering because they will just try to explain it away if no unrefutable evidence is present.<p>Bluebird

Sel, do you still have my hotmail addy? Would you want some snooping software? I used to have some around here and have had requests for it recently from customers wanting to monitor their teenagers. If you want some I will either find what I have or download some new and would gladly send it to you with instructions. Let me know. (((hugs)))!!!

Hey, Ladies~<p>Giving you all an update. The yucky-in-my-gut-feeling still comes and goes. I haven't been able to find out anything else.<p>I've been working on myself....started a weightloss program on Monday and I've stuck to it so far. <p>I've also found a gymn here who teaches adult gymnastics!!! Whippee! Been wanting to get back into gymnastics for a looooooong time!<p>Started back reading Passionate Marriage and trying to figure out how to get myself un-gridlocked. Thing is...if I do all this intimacy stuff with hubby now (and if he is involved with someone else) it seems to me that I would just be clingy in his mind. You know it is when people get into their own little world and any diversion just turns out to be a distraction.<p>Cali~ trying not to ask too many questions. Asked hubby if he thought we could get those "feelings" back and he said, "Yes". That's a good sign.<p>Yes, I would like to know the name of the book if you can get it for me.<p>Pepper~ Can you do something for me? Yes, just offer a shoulder and any advice you may have. <p>JJ~ Yes, I know all about that fear you are talking about.<p>Bluebird~ Yes, thank you for the advice.<p>Hope~ I don't have your addy, unless you are referring to the ivillage addy. Will this snooping software work on a computer I don't have access to? He doesn't do anything hokey at home, it's all at work. Thank you, Hope!<p>Okay, still working on me....and that's enough to keep me busy for a loooooong time!<p>hugs to y'all, too,<p>sel

Geez it's good to hear from you. I've been wondering how it's been going. I'm not sure on the software...I think it has to be installed directly on the computer there. I'll check into it though, because I do need to get some to have on hand anyway. I'm not sure if I still have the ivillage addy, but my hotmail one is parent_talk@hotmail.com. I'll do some searching this week and see what I can find. Maybe it was just an emotional thing for him? If he thinks the feelings can be brought back it sounds like he still values the marriage and YOU! Take care and I'll let you know what I can find.

Thanks, Hope~<p>I appreciate it!<p>sel

I was able to set up online billing with Verizon for my H's cell phone. I also set up voice mail on his cell phone, which he hadn't done. With the online billing, I'm able to see all calls, and since he never activated the voice mail feature, he never uses it, and only I have the password, so if anyone calls and gets routed to voice mail, I'm the only one who can access the messages.<p>I hope you're able to get reassurance one way or another. I think any kind of a disconnected feeling is the most telling clue of all, especially if you're not distancing yourself.

Sel,<p>from what I've found you have to actually have access to the computer long enough to install the software...after that point you can have it email all the results to you and would only need access to uninstall it or change any settings. It also has some system requirements...32mb-64mb of ram, and a bit of harddrive space. If it sounds like something that you could use let me know.

Hope~<p>It sounds tricky but I think it can be done.<p>Would there be a way where he could find this program on his hard drive? Is it invisible unless you know what to look for and where to look for it?<p>sel

This is the favorite out there so it's pretty top of the line. It remains invisible unless you press a series of keystrokes...and you get to set what you want. If you can get access to the pc you're in like flynn. I'll download it this weekend and check it out...just let me know where to send it or if you'd rather have it on a cd.

hi selket. a lurker who has appreciated your postings for some time. you almost are able to bring a sense of family to your postings. I wondered at you intensity over tracking hubbies activities. the old worn out phrase "what goes around comes around" ever strike you. if memory serves correctly you had your own tryst once and one which Im sure almost destroyed your husbands self respect. would it be possible to just take a more casual approach to this and think ,"well sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander? maybe its just something he must go through. Im sure he'll never be able to find anyone with your depth and potential to be the best wife anyone could ever have once he sows a few seeds of his own. so maybe you need not worry yourself. keep smiling [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

HUH??? So you are saying that in some cases 2 wrongs can make a right? That's it's ok since she made a mistake? Maybe he deserves a "get out of jail free card" for this round, eh?<p>No way...no how. He KNOWS how it feels to be on the other end...to do this now would be with FULL KNOWLEDGE of the consequences...not only to himself. He had the opportunity to give up on the marriage THEN...he CHOSE not to...therefore he is still bound by his promises as he expects her to be bound by them. It's ludicrous to expect otherwise.

Hi Sel,<p> First let me say how sorry I am that you are having these thoughts and feelings. Nothing worse than thinking you know something, but actually not knowing anything. The mind plays terrible tricks to us in this stage.<p> I want to give you a word of caution on the spyware. In my opinion Iopus' 007 Starr Pro is about the best you can have. But there are some features to the program which can be a pain.<p> The software has the ability to take screenshots of the host computer at intervals you determine. This can be from every few seconds to....whatever.
The problem I ran into was that it stored these screenshots on my computer in a somewhat hidden folder. The whole time I used the software it continued to store these pictures on my system(even when I had it set to delete everything after I viewed it).<p> What ended up happening to me was that it eventually slowed my system to a crawl. At first I could not find the reason for this huge reduction in performance. Not until all these pictures finally crashed the spy program. When that happened the program started giving out a warning screen that the computer is being monitored. HUGE problem when that happened with wife sitting in front of the computer. <p> Of course I explained the situation as best I could. But it was a major LBer none the less.<p> After finding and removing all the screenshots, reinstalling the software, turning off the screenshots function, and a few other sly details....wel the program worked like a charm from then on. Until I decided to completely get rid of it for other reasons.<p> My advice, if you are going to use spyware, would be to get very used to how it operates. Know every detail you can find out BEFORE you install it on his computer. An absolute must is to know how to install it in complete invisible mode. Anything less will end up being a major issue at some point in the future. <p> It's been awhile since I used this kind of software. But if I can help in any way, feel free to email me at jdmac1@yahoo.com <p> Good luck, and I pray you
do not find that he is involved with anyone else. It is my hope that he is acting this way due to the pressures of work and bills. This sort of thing causes a man to act in similar ways that your H is acting. Depression does strange things to us all.<p> jd