Why does this girl want to talk to me? H sent no contact letter followed by phone call. <p>He changed his cell, we changed house #. She got his new cell # and she said she was going to call me. Why? <p>I am shaking like a leaf here people. I don't want this kind of life. <p>I told H he has to close this door - I can't do it for him. Or can I? I could send her some info on Federal stalking laws.<p>You know they say what goes around comes around - I don't ever being bad enough to deserve this!<p>Somebody calm me down!!!

Honey, I know you don't know me, but I saw that folks seem kinda busy today, and I'm popping in for a friend, so I thought I'd at least offer you a cyber-hug. <p>First of all, calm down. I know you're raw, been there, done that, I know you have two d-days, been there done that too! But this has to come from inside you. You cannot give this woman that much power over you. And before anyone says "it's not that easy" - I'm well aware of that! But I'm also aware that it's possible.<p>She is a speck. She is not your problem. There's no telling why she would want to contact you, but I'll tell you she certainly isn't the first and I doubt that it's to be your best friend. PT found reasons to contact me and Robert (I never asked for no contact) for more than a year! And, yes, it was just to cause trouble. It didn't work. Well, sorta, at first, but ultimately not. And, for once, I'm proud to say that I was at least PART of the reason it didn't.<p>Almost every single OP tried contact - with the WS or the BS or both. Almost every single WS backslides, slips up, whatever you want to call it. It seems to come part and parcel with the whole mess. But you can rise above it and you can make it so that she doesn't upset you so much. In fact, you have to. Or you will never truly heal.<p>Take a deep breath. Recognize this girl for who she is. I learned early on that, although PT was NOT the girl I would want our daughter to hang around with (they were about the same age [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ), she certainly wasn't the spawn of Satan either. She made bad judgements, too adn her morality was not as I would have liked, but hey, SHE wasn't the one who broke the committment. And if she really did love my husband (and you have to sorta put on the back burner that he WAS married - I mean after all, he did make himself available) then I would certainly expect for her to fight for him with whatever weapons she had. I'd be naive not to. <p>Your OW is probably trying to do the same thing - fighting for what she thinks is HER future. You do NOT have to see her or talk with her. But, I'll tell you, I finally realized that it WAS seeing and talking to her (although not about her and Robert) that set me free. You see, she came to him a few weeks after he had come home and said she'd like him to order some Victoria's Secret stuff for her 'cause he had a credit card and she didn't. He told me. I asked him if he minded if I called her and ordered it for her instead (she had called me to make trouble a ton of times, I simply listened, thanked her for calling - calling her Sweetie- and said goodbye). He didn't think I would, but I did! Sweet as pie in my best southern accent (I posted the story here, but can't find it now) and offered to purchase HER things on my cc when I ordered the stuff Robert wanted for me! I really thought she had fainted at first, but she came alive with a "what?" and tons of profanity and I simply and sweetly repeated my offer with tons of Honey's and Darlin's thrown in. Now that set her back! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But it did even more for me. See I believe in taking back everything that was taken from me. I asked Robert to take me to every place they ever went, to replace HER memories with mine. We even took a bunch of MB people to the place of their first date - which is now OUR fave restaurant! The same thing happened every time I talked with her and maintained my dignity. I grew stronger. She bothered me less. And she lost her hold - on me and him. Soon her calls and cards were simply jokes to us, her name held no pain, no power and eventually, she was gone.<p>If you're not ready don't talk to her. Just remember there are some things you're never ready for until you have to do them, and then you're glad. But whether or not you have to speak with her, don't let her drive you crazy. She's not worth it. You have a marriage to rebuild and that's gonna take every single ounce of your energy. From my perspective, the affair and separation were a walk in the park compared to recovery! Don't waste your energy on her and have her hold you back. There's a wonderful marriage out there waiting for you but it's a long way getting there yet. And the only way not to let her get in the way, is to take away her power over YOU. You'll be surprised that it will also help to take away her power over your h as well.<p>Hang in there. Be good to yourself today. It's a big thing you're doing.<p>Love,<p>Lori

Twinkles,<p>First of all here is a {{{hug}}}. <p>Now the OW is trying to contact U? Though you may not know her reasons (or even care to), realize she can have her reasons. <p>Now the part where it impacts you is whether you are willing to 'accomodate' her reasons whether you know what they are or not. If you do not feel strong enough to handle it, then don't. Put it on your H or the police. Even if her reasons were 'noble', she should understand if you feel your safety is being violated. I am talking about a protective order or harrassment/restraining order. Check out what is available in your community. Call the local police dept. They should be very adept to handling these types of situations. Say that you are trying to be proactive but also very sacred. <p>I made that type of call to our local police dept. They were reassuring to me. I know the panicky feeling also. Remember I am the one who watched Fata Attraction for the first time after d/d. Talk about horror. I don't want to scare you but I do know the feeling of unwanted contact. <p>Now there are a few of us that would welcome the OW contact but all need to do so with caution. <p>How is your H able to help you on this issue?<p>L.

Oh my! Lostva - you are my hero! I have some of your threads printed out and saved for inspiration. I started to cry when I saw your name. Now I know I can make it! And Orchid also! I read and take to heart all your advise. I am so moved that you both responded to me. I feel like God is sending angels my way [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Okay, no I don't believe I am ready to speak to OW. H said she wants to explain it is just a frendship. I asked him to change his cell # again. This must be annoying to his boss since it is a company phone! He does not want to do this again. I think he may be embarrased and afraid to tell his boss. He said he is strong enough - he is concentrating on me now. It will be okay. I said why make it hard on him/us? When I quit smoking no one handed me a cigarette each day and said now lets see if you smoke it. I told him I thought my brother was strong but I wouldn't offer him a beer (he's been sober for 8 years).<p>Hopefully it will sink in. He sounds sincere this time. Before I was always frustrated by his lack of effort. But he never said these things before - he will work, I am the one he wants to work it out with, he is there for me...I truly want to believe he means what he says. I love this man despite it all. AND I don't want to give up. I have been a runner my whole life, this time I decided to fight. I just didn't know it hurt so much to fight.<p>I want to look into the restraining order or whatever it is. How do I tell H? Radical honesty - POJA - or should I tell after I have information? Do I insist on another new cell # even tho H is embarrassed to tell his boss again?<p>And thank you both so much. My heart jumped for joy when I read your responses. It is good to know I am not alone.

I think you can make a unilateral decision for no contact and do whatever it takes to ensure that. You can certainly let him know that you are going to protect yourself from further distress at the hand of the OW. It is his decision what he does about his own contact with the OW. If he doesn't want to follow the extraordinary precautions (among which is changing cell phone # to eliminate calls from OW) from SAA, then he is making withdrawals from your Love Bank. Enough withdrawals and you are vulnerable to an A and/or separation/divorce.<p>Is he aware of this? If he is not, it is okay to request that he follow the extraordinary precautions and explain why you are making the request--it is the only way to achieve true marital recovery and that without it you fear that it will negatively affect your feelings for him. You are just giving him what he needs to make an informed decision about his behavior. If being embarrassed in front of his boss is worth placing his M at risk, then that tells you a lot about the status of your M and his commitment to rebuilding it.<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

twinkles,
HANG IN THERE! I am fairly new here, but here's what happened with me.<p>H and OW have had on/off EA contact after d-ay for about 8 months. The most recent was about a month ago. H did something very wrong. He answered e-mail, had phone conversations, etc. <p>H shared some information about his job change, and other information which helped create a panic in OW. Which then resulted in OW showing up at our home. H didn't see her, didn't want to, sent me out to "get rid of her" which needed to be done because my children were home and OW was former best friend and that craziness.<p>Now, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND DO NOT SEE HER, talk to her, respond to her. Call the police. Seeing her again for me was a HUGE setback. The feelings came back as if it were yesterday that I found out again. Talk with your police department, talk with your H, you will need his help here. I tried to obtain a no-trespass order, that can be done with phone harrassment and her coming to the door! But you will need H to sign it also if you have joint ownership of you home. Send her a message through offical channels, really if you can. I underestimated the effect on me, I acted out of instinct when she was there but the toll was incredible.<p>H did the right thing by not seeing her, and there has been no contact since the drive-by. Find out what you can do through offical channels. OW doesn't need to talk with you, and my mc put it this way when I related the incident to him. He said I was very nice to her, not calling the police right away, after all she was there to steal something, how would I treat a robber????? Boy talk about humble after that, but a point well, well, taken.<p>I can only tell you what I know, but if I could reverse time, I would not want to have talked to or seen her again. She is playing with fire!!!

Twinkles,
I will not give anyadvice about speaking with OW.
BUT
What is it you are really afraid of?
Are you afraid she will tell you he belongs to her and he told her he loves her and they are "soulmates"..............
Are you afraid she will tell you something your H hasnt told you?
Are you afraid she will physically hurt you?<p>Write down everything you are afraid could happen.
Then make a plan for each scenario.<p>Do not let her have the power to make you this afraid and panicked.<p>The first time I spoke to my OW I was ready. I had planned my words carefully, and though I was shaking , my words came out like syrup, and I was a lion.
After that she had no power over me.
I must also say the first time I had to see her at a social event I could actually FEEL all my MB friends at my side. I knew what they would say if they were there, and I was not alone.<p>You can do this. Look at what you have done already!
Some old wise MB told me in the beginning: She will be a speedbump in the story of your life together - insignificant.
Lisa

Thank you. I am receiving sound advise and I hear it, thank you.<p>It is all so confusing again. You know how your mind bounces back and forth until it hurts? I have to focus, this will work, I can do anything!<p>Conqueror - yes, his actions will say a great deal here. I was thinking strike one was engaging in a conversation with ow when our plan was for him to say 'can't talk to you-its done-respect my wishes-goodbye' and click - hang up.
Now I am waiting to see strike 2 - will he keep his word and change #? Who knows from there. Then I thought wow - am I setting him up to fail? I like your advise - honesty. Tell him in a non lb way why we need these extreme precautions. <p>In the meantime OhSo I have asked my brother for some info on proactive measures to protect D and me. I have also considered contacting a lawyer regarding custody and separation issues. The question I can't seem to answer is why do I want to contact a lawyer? To be smart and cover myself because I think that is where this is headed OR because I want H to know I am serious this time. If the latter is the reason - I shouldn't do it, right?<p>I hate being confused.

I've been there. Done that.<p>My H fathered a child by his affair and we have to see exOW 4x a year during visitation with his OC.<p>It is hard, but I use the kill 'er with kindness theory. I pretending I am in a competition for the Grace Kelly grace and dignity award. She is actually much more afraid of me than I am of her. I don't see this as a contest (well, not anymore I don't) but she does. In her mind, I won. In my mind I am the winner because I kept my dignity and my morals.<p>You are lucky you don't have to see this woman, but if you do run into her, (off of your own property) breathe deeply and keep yourself as calm and collected as possible. The best revenge is living well (in this case defined as still living with your husband).<p>MJ

Sad - I must have just missed you! I don't know what I am afraid of. I will have to think about that one...I will make that list.<p>I did like hearing you were a lion! I want to be a lion! I feel more like one of those little praire dogs that run around like mad, then stop, stand up striaght looking for danger, then run around some more. They seem so on edge. <p>In your opinion - and anyone is welcome to comment [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] - should I fofgo the lawyer right now and be more focused on helping H? I can't make him understand what I see so clearly - that has to come from him. So what do I do?<p>MJ - again thank you. I want to be strong and dignified. No - I AM strong and dignified. See that's why I like coming here. You all pump me up [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Twinkles ]</p>

twinkles,
I too hate being confused! I have a question? Do you feel as if the OW is harrassing you? If it was a one time request, you can decide what to do, but if this is continual, you will need to look at some other measures. YES, be loving and honest with your H, you can loving tell him what you are feeling, use I messages, and tell him what this is doing to you. I have been able to do that lately, and it seemed to help.<p>I agree with sad princess as to what her motives may be. I can't tell you either what to do, I can share what I know and that is it. Please remember that you are very special and important and that you don't have to give her any credence, etc. I feel for those who have do see the OW and learn to deal with that, I admire their courage. But I also think that protecting yourself and your family is number one here. <p>I really can't say about contacting a lawyer, but I can suggest to be honest and direct with your H in a loving manner and see where that goes. You can set boundaries as conqueror is soooo good at pointing out!!!!! TAKE CARE!

Some questions to help you with whether to consult an attorney:<p>Do you feel protected by your H?<p>Do you feel that he is making decisions in the best interest of you and your child?<p>In my case, when I realized that the man I was counting on to protect me and my children was actually perpetrating harm on us, I knew it then fell on my shoulders to protect myself and my children from him as I would from anyone else who was harming us. I saw the attorney. I learned what I needed to learn about my options for protecting us, physically and financially. I was separated at the time and felt no obligation to tell my H and was planning to file for divorce.<p>In your case, radical honesty would require that you tell him, so if you did decide to go, my suggestion for what to say would be: I don't feel safe with you because of your recent decisions that have hurt me deeply. I feel uncertain about the future, and I am very frightened. I feel that I need as much information as possible in order to adequately protect myself and our daughter since I am unable to count on you for that protection anymore.

Oooooh, lostva, you are awesome. I REALLY like you and the way you work and think!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Oooooh, lostva, you are awesome. I REALLY like you and the way you work and think!!

OhSo and Conquerer - <p>Thank you for the sound and solid advice. I haven't decided yet which way to go. I still need to think the lawyer through. <p>I am waiting to see if H changes cell # again. We spoke about it last night and I said I think it should be changed. I said we originally agreed if OW did call he would hang up and he didn't - so he already slipped. I said I know this will be hard for him and to think of changing the # again as helping to set him up so he doesn't slip. I want us to succeed - why not stack the deck in our favor? He is waiting for his boss to return from a trip and he will talk to him.<p>Actions speak louder than words. I am pulling for this guy with all my heart. Please God, help me to help him.

Twinkles,
I guess I havent been paying attention. Why do you feel the need to contact a lawyer? To ask him/her what?
How do you know the OW is trying to contact you? <p>Did you make list?<p>inquiring minds want to know.<p> Lostva, I think my OW really is satans spawn! In fact thats what H and I call her now -satan. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]