I have taken special precautions all thru our marriage to make sure I never have an A. My instincts are good, I have a natural knack of putting up a wall between myself and other men. I even go so far as to never call one on the phone as "just friends", no emailing, no going to lunch, no time alone unless there is no choice. I make sure to avoid conversations about personal issues, marriage problems, avoid being a confidant,etc.....<p>Trust me, I have had many opportunities to have EA, PA, SA, to cultivate friendships in a way that would be dangerous to our M, and to do things that would cause H to feel hurt or left out or even suspicous. I dont know WHY I am like this, it doesnt feel like a concious decision, its just the way I do things. I would rather die than injure my H's feelings with how I behave with men. <p>When I see a situation that is potentially dangerous, I put a steel reinforced concrete wall, and simply avoid letting myself do or say anything that could cause a problem. <p>H is the opposite. He has a pleasure seeking streak in him, has very poor judgment. <p>I am starting to resent the fact that I do without what I so desperately need from him because I cant stand the thought of hurting him by getting my needs met by another man. <p>I have never experienced whatever that HIGH is he gets out of his persuits of OW's. The chase, the persuit, the emotional bond, the soulmate thing, the crush, the infatuation. <p>He shares all this stuff that is meant for me with all these OP. So when do I get mine? When do I get to have a "special friend", a new sex partner, somebody that cant wait to call me or email me or "just talk"? <p>I am starting to resent the fact that I cant even force myself to do this stuff. I dont even want to. Its not even an option. <p>I feel like I have deprived myself of something for no good reason. H says "I'm sorry I cant give you what you need". I used to think he just didnt know how to meet a womans needs, but I was wrong, he reserves it for ow's. He says and does things for them that I have NEVER received from him. <p>I feel cheated, deprived, like I have wasted the last 36 years of my life. I WANT HIM TO EXPERIENCE EXACTLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. The only way to do that is for me to have some type of A. That will never happen while he is married to me.<p>I apparently am EXTREMELY naive. I thought when we married that my feelings would be of the utmost importance to him. I was wrong. <p>I want to experience the HIGH of an A, but I cant.
I want him to experience the PAIN of me having an A, but he wont.<p>I guess I am tired of being the goody-two-shoes, faithful wife. I need him to know that he is in danger of loosing me permanently.<p>I want to have an A, but I cant, and I am really pi$$ed of about it.<p>Replaced

Replaced,
You are an honorable, strong person, why would you want to change that by having an affair and suffering the guilt, remorse, and dislike for yourself that is the dark side of an honorable person having an A?<p>YOU are the one on the right track, don't jump tracks to that of your H's bad behavior. <p>I doubt very much, given your post, you would find any true or long-lasting satisfaction in an A, no matter how your H reacted.

I know how you feel. The other night, I thought and thought about it, and I couldn't even come up with one person with whom I'd like to have an affair. I know a lot of attractive, nice men who I could probably persuade, but the thought of an A with any of them is just sickening to me. Why was it not sickening for my H? It just makes me so mad that I'm so damn loyal after all this.<p>I did have what you might call a very short-lived (like, 2-3 weeks) EA about 10 years ago. I ended all conversation with OM because I was contemplating leaving, which I ultimately didn't want to do, and I was feeling guilty about even "talking" with someone else. Now I almost wish I would have screwed around. Then I could throw that info in his face and hurt him back (I did tell him about EA because he made the comment that I'm "just so perfect"). But I just don't have it in me.<p>Life sucks...

Replaced - take a deep breath! I went back to some of your posts, and I cringe when I see how your H has treated you. But doing the same to him will make things so much worse.<p>Like you, I can't imagine betraying my spouse, especially now that I know how excruciatingly painful it is to be the BS. I wouldn't even hurt my worst enemy that much.<p>What you give up by seeking revenge are the things that your H lost by behaving so badly: dignity, integrity, honor, trustworthiness, etc. All the things that, once lost, can never be replaced.<p>You are a better person than your husband. Be grateful for that, and know that maintaining your good character will pay off again and again as you deal with the joys and challenges of life.<p>Prayers to you and your selfish husband.

Have I thought about it? yes<p>I know how you feel. For revenge; to feel good about myself again; to see what it's like... <p>Do I want to? no<p>I haven't seen any affairs that have happy endings. It wouldnt be worth it at all. As Lor said, guilt, remorse, and disappointment in self wouldn't be worth it. <p>Let revenge be satisfied on its on - through the natural course of events, and, ultimately, from God.<p>Find ways to feel good about yourself. It doesn't come from others... it comes from within yourself.<p>To see what it's like? You see that all over this forum. No happy endings....

Replaced,<p>Don't ever cross that line. I don't have EA nor PA but I do have several ONS (SA) (see my profile) ... I regret what I have done. There is no excuse and it is a punishment to my soul ... you will suffer the guilt ... I wish I never done that. I though of I would try to taste the fast lane for a change, my WW is the first and only one 'till that horrible day. I was down in the gutter for several weeks.<p>Just don't even think crossing that line. The temptation is soo great. Don't let evil get you after taking your H. -RH-

Dear Replaced
Are we the same person? I have felt EXACTLY the way you do! I completely understand the longing to be loved and adores by someone else, the way the WS was loved and adored. I also feel the desire to pursue and affair so that he would know how it feels, because there is no way he can understand what I am going through. I would never have an affair, because like you, I wouldnt want to cause him pain. It isnt the right thing to do. Dont act on those urges to reciprocate the pain. I just want you know you are not alone in these feelings. feel free to email me anytime.

I too have thought about having an A, but won't. Not to change the subject, but since my H A, many of his friends and co-workers who know about the A have been hitting on me. It is almost like there is a sign on my head that says I want to get even. If he only knew what a can of worms he opened.

Replaced:<p>"I apparently am EXTREMELY naive. I thought when we married that my feelings would be of the utmost importance to him. I was wrong."<p>But it was entirely fair for you to expect your feelings to be the most important thing to your H. He's cheated you of your right, as a W, to having your needs met. <p>"I want to experience the HIGH of an A, but I cant."<p>That's a GOOD thing!!!<p>"I want him to experience the PAIN of me having an A, but he wont."<p>Because he's had no trouble inflicting that pain on you.<p>"I guess I am tired of being the goody-two-shoes, faithful wife. I need him to know that he is in danger of loosing me permanently."<p>If he doesn't pull his head out of his nether regions, end the As permanently, and work with you on your M, he DESERVES to lose you permanently. <p>But YOU should keep on with that attitude, that you could NEVER have an A, and you, as a "goody-two-shoes", virtuous woman, will be free to be a loving companion to some other lucky man, AFTER you DV your H. <p>I wish my WW felt this way about As. We could have focused on the problems in our R that were bothering her, if she hadn't just "gone elsewhere" for needs she thought weren't being met by me.<p>regards,

"BS-Do you want to have an A?"<p>Good Lord, NO! (And I'm an atheist). [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

you mentioned"when is it gonna be my turn?" well my answer to that very same question is---he derailed this sucker and had an affair, he will have every opportunity to help fix this. if he buries his head in the sand and leaves us open to this happening again, i will move on with my life without him and start anew. i can have all the fun i want then!

Never in a million years

Nooooo I do NOT want to have an A because :<p>I love myself too much to destroy my self-respect.<p>I respect my principles too much to betray my honor.<p>I have personal standards to live up to and to demonstrate to my children.<p>I intend to grow as a person, and to develop myself into a more spiritually uplifted and emotionally evolved woman.<p>My family does not deserve to be betrayed by me.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

New Jersey, you hit the nail on the head, I feel the exact same way. His friends, co workers, etc have made inappropriate remarks and behaviors, I too feel like I have the "available" sign only it's tatooed on my a**, cause I personally feel that's all they care about.<p>In reply to the question, yes I would like to have him feel the pain and anguish he put me through. BUT do I want what he's gone through? No thanks, I have my pride, my integrity and self respect. No apparatus from the male body is worth loosing that for.

Replaced -<p>Me too. I hate the idea that "anyone can have an affair with opportunity if their ENs aren't met."<p>It simply isn't true. I have had opportunity but always drew a very clear line. In fact, a friend of mine fell in love with me mainly, I believe, because I was so devoted to my husband. While I think we are all human, my values and plan to avoid anything suspicous kept me away from this.<p>I do miss the rush of infatuation. I had it again with my husband before he started to jump ship. I remember thinking one night to myself "I just want a man, any man, to hold me tonight as I cry by myself in the dark."<p>There are times where I would love to give him a taste of the pain he has caused me but the reality of it makes me ill. It is just wrong. The day after D-Day I had opportunity. If you aren't going to do it then, you aren't ever going down that path.<p>Enjoy your time on your high horse. It seems to be all we have [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Have I thought about it recently? Yes.<p>I've always been a faithful puppy-dog all our time together, despite the fact that I have been called attractive by more than just WW before... I've very gladly worn blinders to other women.<p>Now, of course, I do wonder what all the fuss is about... but I also know that it would suck me in and probably leave me no better off than WW is right now... NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!!

Well everybody, <p>I have no intention of ever having an A. The thought of actually doing that just gags me. I guess it is just a resentment that he got to have fun at my expense. So it is a double whammy, not only do I feel the pain and humiliation of betrayal, but I was suffering terribly ALREADY at the time that he did it, I was certainly not having a good time. (Horrible family illness.)<p>He on the other hand was suffering from the same family illness problems, but instead of the pain of betrayal, he got to play and have fun and games.<p>I just figured it out. I play fair, always have, dont understand the concept of cheating at anything. Therefore, I cannot conceive of someone who is supposed to care for me, hurting me in a way that is so obviously wrong. It was not a mistake or an accident. It was a decision.<p>Thats what it is. It is NOT PLAYING FAIR.
I guess its like he embezzled money out of my lovebank acct. and then when he got caught he had spent it all and now Im broke, but he got to enjoy the money while he had the chance. Kind of like robbing a bank and running off to Vegas.<p>Anyway, I suppose I was trying to think in my mind what it would take to be EVEN. Like when we are kids running around whining that this or that isnt fair, or so and so got more than we did. <p>The only way for it to be even would be for him to experience the same thing I have. THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN while he is married to me. AND it is not my job to punish him, that is GOD'S job if HE so chooses.<p>The thing I'm finally getting through my head is this. I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT!!!!!<p>You guys have no idea how much I appreciate having someone to talk to (I am very isolated at home).<p>Thanks, REPLACED

If I ever get to the point where my marriage is too painful to tolerate, I will just get a divorce. I have said this to H several times over the years. I told him, please do not cheat on me, if you dont want me just ask me for a divorce. To me that is the only honorable way out if problems cant be resolved. Cheating should not be an option.<p>REPLACED

Replaced,<p>I have been in both situations. My h. had a revenge a. to "do to you what you did to me and then we can be together". Although my a. was more an emotional breakdown than finding some en or anything, it devastated me and I spent time in the hospital and still have anxiety attacks. <p>I always thought that if I ever felt that way, I would get a d., I tried to leave, but he convinced me to stay, how I don't know. I got no "high" from my a. It ruined me, as an affair should.<p>Revenge affairs, well ask my h. I just looked at him and said, "have sex with her, I don't care". It ruined the thrill for him. I'm glad you respect yourself. You should, you all deserve someone who is going to be faithful, no matter what. Thinking about it when you get mad? Natural. Trust me, you don't want to feel the way I did, and I can tell that you would.

Deep down...no I don't. However, right now...Yes, I would like to have an A....and I am getting sick of fighting all the temptations. I know it is the wrong thing, and the wrong feelings...but I want to get even, I want to experience the affection of another woman, I need to feel the desire of someone else.<p>Hopefully I can remain strong...because I know I would regret it someday.