I am 37, have been separated from my H, after 10 years of marriage for more than a year already due to irreconcilable differences. Though, the separation is not yet legal and we have constant communication since I left home with our 6 years old adopted daughter. My husband is 51. We were not blessed to have our own child. <p>During the separation I had an EA which eventually turned into a PA with OM who's very much married. It's been going on for almost a year now. For many times I tried to end the A knowing that it is wrong and is a sin, but to no avail. We never had actual sexual intercourse, although we had intimate and passionate moments together. I can't give in due to fear and guilt feelings. Although, we both wanted to have a child. <p>The rumor about our A came out last Feb 2002. We both denied the A. I personally told my H about the rumor the same day it came out. My daughter and I spent the night with my H but I did not sleep with him. He was very calm in accepting the rumors. Knowing me, he believed that there's no sexual intercourse going on.<p>Having no actual sexual intercourse make the OM feel of just being used by me since I can't prove my love by lovemaking. But it's my conscience that holds me back. He is willing to give up his family for my sake. But I will never, ever agree to it. <p>Due to unresolve issues with my H plus the additonal issue about my A, the more I refused to reconcile with my H despite his eagerness. <p>Until now, my H is patiently waiting for reconciliation. But the problem is me and the way I think- I don't think that things will be back to normal after what I have done.<p>I am also in doubt if I still love my H or if I have loved him at all. Looking back, weeks before our wedding I was begging him to stop the wedding plans. I spoke to the priest who will officiate our wedding about it, to my soon-to-be MIL, to all my relatives, but to no avail. I was sedated in order to be calm during the wedding ceremony. I remember how I really wanted to run from it, but I didn't have the courage to do so. <p>Right now, my position is to remain friends with the OM- who have been a real source of support during the time that I needed somebody the most. With regard to reconciliation with my H- I want to give myself more time to think things more clearly. <p>Question #1: What will I do if the OM will turn out to be a kiss and tell type? What is the best way to handle situation like that? For sure,I will be hurt. My OM is the only person I had an intimate relationship with other than my husband. <p>Question #2: Is my marriage worth saving? I am an active member of one of the church community and I feel guilty not to practice the teachings we were taught of. <p>Please help! Give me some enlightenment. My health is being affected by this dillema. By the way, question #3- Is my A still consider infidelity even though it happened while we are on informal separation? What I know for sure is I have committed adultery and still offended my H and other parties. I feel so sorry and guilty of it.<p>I feel so blessed having found this website. I hope to be encouraged and be enlightened in the process. Thank you for listening to me. <p>God bless you all.

Question #1: What will I do if the OM will turn out to be a kiss and tell type? What is the best way to handle situation like that? For sure,I will be hurt. My OM is the only person I had an intimate relationship with other than my husband. <p>Sounds to me if you are very torn, My guess if this man is married he is not interested in telling.. for that would or could destroy his home life. REMOVE YOUR self from the environment and have NO contact witht his man. <p>Question #2: Is my marriage worth saving? I am an active member of one of the church community and I feel guilty not to practice the teachings we were taught of.
only you and your God can decide if your marriage is worth saving. DO you love him? You have been apart a year.. must be some reason you have not divorced yet. <p>Please help! Give me some enlightenment. My health is being affected by this dillema. By the way, question #3- Is my A still consider infidelity even though it happened while we are on informal separation? What I know for sure is I have committed adultery and still offended my H and other parties. I feel so sorry and guilty of it.<p> In my eyes if you were romantic and passionate and you are still married it is infidelity.. But I am sure others would disagree. It was on OM's part that is for sure. HE IS MARRIED AND DOESNT BELONG WITH YOU. Chances are if you feel guilty you already know the answer.
Take time and work on your self, read lots of post so many are so helpful, even for those of us who do something we know we should not,.
Read all the concepts and averything you can on this site. It really truly helps.
Take time and think before you jump into a divorce. I wish you luck .

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by aprilmay:
<strong> I don't think that things will be back to normal after what I have done.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is correct. Things will never be the same, but those who have recovered say that it can be better because doing the work of recovery helps you to fall in love with each other again as well as learn how to care for and protect each other and affair-proof the M, the areas of the M that were neglected previously.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am also in doubt if I still love my H or if I have loved him at all.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It is common for the WS to feel this way, not to mention many BS feeling this way as well--goes with the territory of a damaged M. According to Dr. Harley, the romantic love can be restored by following his plan of recovery developed over 30 years of experience and helping hundreds of thousands of couples. You can follow the plan without feeling anything positive for your spouse. Feeling follows action. Dr. Harley gives you your plan of action.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Right now, my position is to remain friends with the OM-</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This position rules out the possibility of marital recovery. The first step of marital recovery is to end contact with the OM FOR LIFE. If you are unwilling to do that, then the merciful and honorable thing to do is to release your H from the M.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>With regard to reconciliation with my H- I want to give myself more time to think things more clearly. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>As long as you are in contact with the OM, you will not be thinking clearly. This has been demonstrated over and over and over again on these boards, and the recovering WS here can tell you specifically how it muddled their thought processes and how and when the fog cleared and what form it took. I will leave that to them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Question #1: What will I do if the OM will turn out to be a kiss and tell type? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>You will have no choice but to live and deal with the consequences as there is nothing you can do to control his choices and his behavior.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>What is the best way to handle situation like that?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>End all contact immediately so that you can begin the withdrawal process and get through the worst of it as soon as possible. Then you will be able to decide what to do with your life and make decisions that are in the best interest of your child.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Question #2: Is my marriage worth saving?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Only you can determine that, but I would submit that you cannot know the answer to that question until you explore its full potential. If your H is willing to work on rebuilding your M, and you walk away from that opportunity, then you will never know what that potential is and whether it was worth it or not.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> I am an active member of one of the church community and I feel guilty not to practice the teachings we were taught of. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>It is normal to feel this way. You are sinning against God, your H, and the OM's W. There is only one solution to that. Jesus gave it to the woman he saved from being stoned: "Go, and sin no more." There is one cure for sin--repentance. The first step of repentance is to turn away from the sin.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>question #3- Is my A still consider infidelity even though it happened while we are on informal separation? What I know for sure is I have committed adultery and still offended my H and other parties. I feel so sorry and guilty of it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You answered your own question here. Separation is a state of marriage. Having sexual contact with another who is not your husband is adultery. Adultery is a sin. Jesus said that lusting in your heart is adultery as well. You have betrayed your H and your M in the worst way possible and have torn asunder the oneflesh covenant. But there is redemption available by following these steps (the steps the Prodigal Son followed in Luke 15:17-21):<p>

• Realization: Recognize what you have done. "Own" it. Face it. "Come to yourself" as the Prodigal Son did.
• Resolution: Resolve in yourself that you need to do something to extricate yourself from your sin. Determine your plan of action.
• Repentance: Turn from the OM and sin you are committing together against God and your spouses and stop doing it. This can only happen if you cease contact. Your relationship with him is tainted by your adultery and cannot be restored in any form without betraying your spouses.
• Return: Return to your H. Confess your sins against him and against heaven.
• Restoration: Demonstrate to your H your willingness to make amends for your betrayal and to do the work of recovery if you both desire to rebuild the M.

<p>Of course, all these steps apply to your R with God as well. God loves a humble and contrite heart. Decide where your heart is. If your heart is with God, then you know what you need to do--follow His plan.