you said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I it's me (). I have a question..<p>How bad did i blow this? We seperated 3 years ago last month and my "WH" got involved with "OW". For the last 1 1/2 years he led me to believe she was out of our lives. He even began to tell me that he loved me, missed me, for me to keep dreaming and etc. I LB bad when i was informed by (sources) last month, that he made contact with "OW" in March/02. <hr></blockquote><p>Is he in any kind of counseling... sounds like a classic "I want my cake and to eat it too."
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><p>I got this 1 hour before having to go to work by e-mail. i tried to call him and got voice mail and answering machine. I went off the deep end, cried, threatend divorce, even to drag her right in the middle of court if he didn't get rid of her. <hr></blockquote><p>LBs aren't the end of the world... but not sure what kind of footing you were on... if you only have phone & email contact w/ him? Have you checked out LoveBusters? Are you doing things to help you react in a more positive manner? One of the most important aspects of 'plan A' is to become strong w/ or w/out spouse... Check out "The Passionate Marriage" by Jeffrey Schnarch... many of us, in the beginning of the whole thing... are emotionally fused to our spouse... by learning to hold on to ourselves and not fall apart we meet our crucibles and grow... sometimes our spouses grow with us...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Well he is acting like I am just believing rumors and he's Mr. innocent. Last night I was told it has been going on with "OW" all along (3 years), same length as our seperation.
<hr></blockquote><p> YUCK! I'm sure this was very devastating to learn.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
WH lost his job a few days after we got into it. When i asked him what he was going to do....he responded "Just let me work this out, ok". Don't know if that was job-wise or everything in general. I shut up and simply said "Ok", I love you and I'm here if you need me. 3 days later he calls, irrate, tells me that he is sick of everyone's nose stuck in his business and he wasn't telling me where he was at. I asked him quietly and calmly: "Not even our wife" and he stated: "NO, not even you". Said he had 2 job interviews and didn't have time for this "Bul***" and hung up. It has been 12 days today, no contact and i don't know where he is. I suspect "OW" but haven't checked and not going to.<p>How can they switch gears like that? One week "I love you" and next week......chopped out of their life" for something 'they did".....<p>He has not said anything about a divorce. <p>Did I "blow it" for good? Why did he "CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE"? He can hurt and get mad but I can't?<p>He also was staying in company apt. (unless that was a lie) so he had to find somewhere to stay as weel and return company cell phone. Truck problems too. He in city about 150 miles from home. "OW" is about 80 miles from city.<p>Help...Idea's...feeling? <p><hr></blockquote><p>I don't think that you have necessarily blown it... I think you trusted him and he violated that trust. All his lies unfolded onto HIM like a house of cards... HE BLEW IT... and perhaps he's HIDING because he can't face what he has done... easier to hide.<p>The decision isn't so much his as yours... <p>I would suggest professional counseling, if you aren't already... my counselor helps me work through things like this in ways I couldn't imagine...<p>Cali<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Tempest ]</p>

Cali,<p>No, you would never get him to a counselor. For me, I WOULD LOVE IT AND I WOULD DO IT. I simply cannot afford it. It's all I can do to make it paycheck to paycheck on my own.......<p>This "OW" is a good 10+ years older than my "WH" husband and darn........guess who has "money".....<p>He is denying "A".......never has called in what it is an "A"....... Only thing he has ever called it and that was 3 years ago was....."something going on"........<p>He decieved me by being with "OW" and her when he was with "ME-HIS WIFE". I have ordered the books. And been all over this site for days.<p>Cali, we call, e-mail and he mainly has come home and I went to the city a few times.....He supposedly traveled allot with his former employer but with him 150 miles away, I don't really know.........<p>Last he was home was Christmas last year and it was great. he told me that he would be busy until spring or summer and didn't know when he'd make it home but promised he would. Called on our anniversary in February and "I LOVE YOU" and etc. In the whole 3 years...this is the longest stretch we haven't seen each other and then I find out last month (2 weeks ago) "OW" was still in picture. End of March, I was told that he picked her up (driving her mini-van) at our former work site. "OW" told sources that his truck broke down in city and she was taking him to the city. He had told me himself over the phone that he was having truck problems about this same time. I had even offered him my new car and let me bring our truck home and fight it, because of his travels, he needed reliable transportation more than me. He said that he wasn't going todo that and "Thanked Me" for the offer. How could I not "BLOW UP"?

I am trying to educate myself and gain insight and understanding. Trying to stay together (ME).<p>What did you mean by it's more my decision than his? A little unclear here. I'm wondering if everything didn't hit him all at once and he's hit bottom? Is he hiding because I threatened Divorce? Has he just ran to her"OW"? I would think he'd be worried about finding a job and place to live for sure.<p>If she is so great.......ehy hasn't he ended with me..instead he kept coming back and let us get closer. I even asked him a few months ago if "My heart was safe" and he said "YES".....WHAM, then this".......<p>We don't have much to split and no children so why is he straddling. I almost feel like I have no choice but to PLAN B. He cannot have us both and the way I understand it, he needs both of us to fullfill ALL his needs......Well, it's me or it's her! What can I do??? I am in our home back here where his family is. I have 10 years with him, 5 of them married and last 3 seperated. Don't understand it..........<p>Open to suggestions from the voice of experience...

I'm not saying I wouldn't have 'blown-up.'<p>... but I would have to ask myself why I am allowing myself to live on the 'fringe' of his life... <p>That was my line in the sand w/ my H... if he was home w/ the kids and myself... we were working on marriage... otherwise... we were separating... <p>... and, I pushed and pushed and LB'd... but it wasn't productive.<p>I had to come to the determination of what it was that I wanted in a marriage... what was my 'deal-breaker.' <p>That came w/ intense work on myself... are you a church attender? most have some kind of pastoral counseling available... there are also co-dependency groups... and other 'support' groups depending on your area... your local school counselor would have a list of no- or low-cost services available in your area.<p>Cali

... o... and I made it clear that separating meant 'moving on'...<p>Interesting article from the "unfaithful" series on the Today show:
Why we cheat on our spouse <p>Decisions can be made... you don't have to wait for HIM to make the decision... I'm not sure "waiting" for 3+ years is something I could do... <p>Cali

Cali,<p>I did it because he gave me reason to hang on and he kept coming around more and more and more. Things just kept getting better. Now I find this out and I don't know what to think or believe anymore. His latest "cutting me out" has cut deep.<p>Everyone around me that knows us......knows and makes it clear that it's "him", not me.....that he is a "FOOL" for treating me like this, I don't deserve it and if he let's me go....he's an idiot.<p>I believe that my "WH" is really emotionally messed up and that "OW" is manipulating his emotions for all it's worth. (She's a nurse too and he has a heart condition).<p>I'm Catholic but no I don't attend church because of their non-acceptance of my marriage to my husband now. 2nd marriage for both of us. I am however deeply religious and hve deep faith. Probably why I have made it through this so far....<p>I read fence sitter.....interesting.......<p>I am not trying to find him and hoping if he is with "OW" that they'll crash and burn".....Deep inside my "WH" believe it or not is a man of principal and high morals.......I believe strongly that his mind has been played with allott by the "OW".....<p>I could be wrong but i think in time (maybe a few eeks) he'll make contact. Just don't know if he'll want divorce or to worm his way back in and get his cozy little "cake and eat it too" back..<p>Well, it's all about "US" or nothing. My mind is made up about her.....SHE GOES FOR LIFE!!!!!