Not that my wife is there yet, but if she agrees to no contact (I think we are moving in that direction), what can the BS do to help with the pain of withdrawal? Should I ask how she's feeling about OM? Try to keep her busy and distracted? Keep life going as normally as possible?<p>W went through serious withdrawal after D-Day 1 and first no contact, and I really think that part of the reason that she went back to OM was a lack of support and understanding by me and our support group of the W/D process. So I want to do it better if I get the chance again.

I don't think I'd ask how she's feeling about OM,, just let her know that you are willing to listen. (warning -- listening will hurt)

Baffled:<p>Good advice from Marissa.<p>I'm trying now to "be there" for my W now that she knows that I need no contact forever with OM. She says the cliche things like "how do you expect me to stop caring for OM?" The best response I can give her, and I think it's the right one is "I can't. I can only be there for you to try to comfort you when you're feeling down. Because I love you." I don't want to know what she misses about him, except to the extent that it might help me identify ENs that I don't meet and he did. But since her decision to have an A with him was more based on her attraction to him than anything I failed to meet (though I DID fail to respond properly to her telling me she WAS attracted to someone else), the "missing ENs" is less of an issue for me, and the desire for validation for multiple Rs (backed off to "friendship" from EA/PA) to justify keeping OM "in the wings" is more of a problem with me. <p>I guess the point would be to continue your best Plan A possible. This will get easier if she's truly withdrawing from OM, because she'll have this void that she'll only be able to fill with time spent with YOU. Take advantage of that opportunity and love her the best you can!

Good points, but I have a sense that she would need some validation of her feelings. The first time, our MC (or me) would ask her if she missed OM or was feeling bad, and she would say "I'm not allowed to" - like she was the guilty one so she was not supposed to feel sad. I feel like if she does this again, I need to let her know that it is OK to share with me the sadness and pain she is feeling because OM is gone. That it is OK for her to feel the loss. But I'm not sure how to communicate that (or even if it is the right thing to communicate).

Baffled:<p>I guess the point is, her feelings are her feelings. That she might miss the OM may make you feel bad (I know it does me - I made the mistake of telling my W that I felt like a consolation prize), but her feelings are valid. If you do manage to convince her that her feelings are important, she'll be more inclined to tell you what she's feeling. And, eventually, they'll sound good to you, because her feelings FOR you will displace her feelings for the OM.<p>Take care!

Validate, validate, validate!<p>I still miss OM, but I know it's hard for H to hear so I stuff it as much as I can. I also felt the 'not allowed' part. Sometimes it really helps being able to let H know when I'm having a bad day. But it also helps that he doesn't push it when I just don't want to talk about it. (I let OM so far into my life that just about everything is a trigger for me.)

You are a stronger person than I am. We ended up separating for 9 mos when my H was in 'his fog' over my former best friend. I couldn't handle him moping around, watch him driving by her house (next door) hoping to see her, etc. I will NEVER forget some of the awful things he said and did before he moved out. Of course now he remembers none of it, but if I weren't committed to my vows, I would have left.<p>He also had sex with her, then with me (not knowing) and back to her. Great way to spread disease. Even now, years later I still feel used by both of them.<p>I think it takes an incredibly strong person to endure that kind of pain. I give you credit for wanting to make it work. Just remember that you're going to see and hear and feel things that are very hard to forget later. <p>Good luck

Baffled,
I can relate. Have gone through more than I ever thought I could take.
My wife moved out of our home to his, then back to ours after his "suicide" attempt. back with him when he "could'nt be left alone", back with me when he decided he was moving 1300 miles away, and I wasn't moving with the kids there. She would have to leave the kids behind or get lawyer and fight for them. Last fall HIS sister called and told my W about OM getting married to woman that was calling him while he was living with my wife, and after he moved away. My wife felt betrayed, but still told me if he knocked on the door and asked her to go with him she would want to. I had to listen to her hurt and not punish her for being honest. She has been mad at him and asked me how I feel about HIM, I told her I was mad at him for hurting her, and taking advantage of our friendship.<p>Pushing away their true feelings will force you to guess what is being felt and make them not trust being honest with you. <p>Honesty that hurts is better than lies that pacify. <p>Sorry for the length, I get wound up.<p>D<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Daniel ]</p>