I have been silently dealing with this for quite some time and I really, really need help. <p>Here's my story.
I moved to a new state 1,500 miles away from my friends and family. I met a man, we became friends, and fell in love. I learned soon after falling in love with this man that a good friend and ex-boyfriend was moving to hopefully rekindle a relationship with me. I decided that I really wanted to see where the relationship with my ex-boyfriend and friend of 10 years was going to go. So, I explained the situation to the new person I had met and told him that I really did love him, but that I had always felt strongly for my ex and that I wanted to be free to see what happened.<p>Here's where the problem began. My ex moved to the new state and just expected that I was suddenly his girlfriend again. I went along with it, wanting to see where it took me. I could not stop thinking about this new man and continued having a relationship with him, breaking it off numerous times because I wanted to wait to see. My ex-boyfriend proposed to me and I accepted and for 8 months I did not speak to the other man. We got married, went on our honeymoon, and while I was laying on the beach I found myself thinking that something did not feel right, something felt like it was missing, we were not connecting somehow&#8230;<p>We returned from our honeymoon and a few weeks later I ran into this other man and all of my feelings for him came flooding back. It was so intense and so amazing; it felt like no time had passed. We ended up sleeping together and started to see each other. I felt horrible and told my husband. We saw a marriage counselor and I re-committed to the marriage. 3 months went by and I had not spoken to OM. I saw him again and everything started all over again. I really love the OM. Even when my H & I have been working on our relationship I don't feel like "that something that was missing" is ever there. I don't know what to do, I feel it so strongly with OM. <p>H & I just bought a house. I feel WAY over my head. I am not happy with my husband, we are good friends, but do not connect and I am petrified to leave him. My family and friends love him. I so want to be with OM. Please help I don't know what to do anymore.

ConfusedW,<p>I don't have time to find the quote, but Dr. Harley, states in his articles here that if his W had an affair he would divorce her. What is my point. This site is about rebuilding marriages, but yours began as a fraud. Now others here have had spouses having affairs from before the marriage and have recovered.<p>BUT, frankly since there are no children, and you clearly don't love your H, why prolong this situation. Now I understand that Biblicaly that it is not your choice it is your H's. Further, some will argue that he doesn't even have a choice. I would not argue against that, it is your preception of your vows that count along with your H's.<p>I think you and your H need to have a long long talk. You have done a terrible thing to him and your failure to be honest with your H from the beginning has caused enormous damage to him. This has been compounded by your affair and lack of understanding for your vows.<p>My recommendation try and understand why you have done what you did. If you don't you will carry the baggage that created this mess further into this marriage or into any new relationship.<p>As much as I hate to say it, I think divorce should be on the table for discussion. And whether or not it is, you need to do some really serious soul searching. <p>There is no easy way out of this mess, but for goodness sake don't bring any children into this mess right now.<p>ConfusedW, this site contains ways to rebuild your marriage and love for your H. I would like to see you use them, but if you are not willing to then I think you need to divorce your H. It really bothers me to say this, but you have serious issues to address and the OM isn't the problem. You are the problem her and what you think constitues marriage and love.<p>I surely hope others will come and offer you better advice than I can seem to muster.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL, I've NEVER seen you muster bad advice [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ConfusedW,<p>My wife had an affair on me before we were married... it occurred a matter of months before our marriage, and continued even after we were married. I learned of this A only after her CURRENT affair came into the open.<p>Now, JL's comments strike a chord with me also - given that we don't have any children. I, as the betrayed party, have been wounded severely by this experience. But what has been worst is that my WW CONTINUES her current A, in my face, essentially.<p>What am I trying to say? I guess - make up your mind - and DO something. Do NOT become a fence-sitter, okay? I know you want to have it "both ways" - your cake and eat it too. But that will DO NOTHING to make your life, your OM's life, or your H's life ANY better. In fact, you'll slowly eat the life out of everyone.<p>You obviously now have to talk to your H... Your state is about where my W was 8 months ago... where is she now? Depressed out of her mind... Thoughts of suicide... Unable to DO anything, make a decision... Torn between two lovers (well, I can't claim I'm even THAT right now). Sounds like fun, eh? Only you can help yourself... if you want it.<p>I suggest you get and read "Surviving an Affair". You might come to realize that affairs rarely last - what you perceive as "true love" with OM will fade with time... and you'll have nothing better than you had with your H - in fact, you'll have something much, much worse... the memories of how you betrayed him to build this "wonderful thing"... it's that thoughtlessness and deceit that DESTORYS over 90% of A in time... sorry to be so bleak... if you want "success stories" of A that have lead to happy unions... geeze, I'd like to see them.

I am going to defend myself here:<p>First of all, I have talked to my husband, he knows about the all about the affair and he has talked with the OM. It's not like he isn't aware. <p>Second, my husband and I have tried to work on the relationship by going to a marriage counselor and also doing a weekend retreat with our church about working on marriages. So, please don't tell me that I haven't done anything. We have also taken the EN and LB questionaires and discussed them, at length. I have already read the Surviving an Affair book. It's on my night stand. <p>My problem here is that despite my/our repeated efforts to deal with the problems in our marriage, nothing is working - including me doing 8 month and 3 month no contacts with OM. <p>I need help as to where to turn next. Should I just give up and move on? Should I keep trying to save my marriage? I don't know what to do anymore.

I think it very unfair that you married your H knowing how you felt about this OM. I don't agree that you should just give up the marriage. Marriage vows DO mean something. HOw long have you been married? It takes work to rebuild a marriage after an affair. If you leave now, you'll just take your problems with you into your new relationship. Which has a very good chance of not making it. About 10% of affairs turn into long lasting relationships.<p>My H's affair with my former best friend has similarities to yours. She also 'knew' when she married her first husband that she shouldn't have but did it anyway. 9 mos later she had an affair with soon to be Husband #2. Then 6 mos into that marriage, she slept with my Husband (after we had both been in their wedding). She told my H that she knew she wouldn't be married to #2 forever. Then why in the **** marry him? I don't understand that thinking.<p>I believe in miracles. If you truly commit to rebuilding your marriage, it can happen. But you have to want it more than your OM. By the way, if he's sleeping with a married woman, why wouldn't he cheat on you? As Dr. Phil says "What they do with you, they'll do TO you."<p>Keep going to counseling. Figure out what EN your H wasn't meeting.<p>I have one last question. If you felt this way, why did you buy a house with him?<p>Good luck and keep posting

The fact is that you were two -timing your present husband before you got married and than cheated on him after you married. I don't see why you got married if your heart belonged to the OM. There are no kids involved. Why make this so complicated. You don't love your husband and you love your bf. Do your husband a favour and divorce him. In the long run he will thank you.

ConfusedW<p>Tomaz said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The fact is that you were two -timing your present husband before you got married and than cheated on him after you married. I don't see why you got married if your heart belonged to the OM. There are no kids involved. Why make this so complicated. You don't love your husband and you love your bf. Do your husband a favour and divorce him. In the long run he will thank you.<hr></blockquote><p>Sadly, I agree. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Actually, I read your posts repeatedly and it left me feeling like I was reading the diary of someone who is into infatuation and attention and doesn't want to give up anyone that is interested in her. In your current condition, I believe that even if you had married the new man, you would've cheated on him with your Ex just based upon the enormous flattery that he would move to your new state just to rekindle a romance with you. I don't think you would've given that up either. You want what you are not supposed to have. Get divorced and stay single until you get past the infatuational type of love that seems to drive you. It takes a certain amount of maturity and a commitment to make a marriage work. I know because my 1st marriage lasted all but 2 years. I was only 24 and definitely not ready. Neither was my 1st wife who was 19 at the time. Everyone is different and matures at various times. I matured late in life. I didn't marry again until I was 38. My current wife wasn't mature enough for the long-haul though(and she was 33 when we married). She still "got off" on attention and praise from other men. She enjoyed being pursued and admired. This finally led her to have the affairs she had last year and now I don't know if I want to hang around and see if she will "mature" enough to make the real commitment of fidelity in our marriage. <p>Walk away from this now before it gets too deep and messy. I don't know how old you are, but give yourself time to grow as a person. You don't have to marry everyone that you fall in love with. Love is patient. If you love someone, you can wait to get married to them. You don't have to torture yourself any longer, nor your current husband. Try to walk away as amicably as you can. It was a mistake. Don't let it bury you. Your feelings of wanting "out" will not go away, so it will happen eventually, it will only be a lot more complicated later on if you wait any longer to divorce. All divorces are not bad, just as all marriages are not good! They do serve a purpose, and in this case, I think it would definately qualify as a "good" divorce.<p>Good luck to you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>ConfusedW:<strong>
H & I just bought a house. I feel WAY over my head. I am not happy with my husband, we are good friends, but do not connect and I am petrified to leave him. My family and friends love him. I so want to be with OM. Please help I don't know what to do anymore.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What do you mean by connect? and Why are you petrified to leave him? Has the OM told you that he wants to marry you?<p>Your family and friends are not directly involved ,like children would be, so they don't matter as far how your situation gets resolved. You are an adult and you can not be tied to the wishes of family and friends no matter how well meaning they may be. You may weigh their advice but ultimately it is your choice as to what is best for you.<p>I would like to point out that as painful as it is to leave either your H or your OM, the alternative (keeping the two R's active at the same time)is worse because it is a nightmare waiting to be turned into a night terror, as more time slips by, and you may be it's greatest victim of the three people involved. Depression to the point of suicide seems to be a very common characteristic of WS's, such as yourself, that want to keep both R's.<p>There is another alternative where both men in your life would receive equal treatment, and that is to say goodbye to both of them. Yes both will be hurt and so will you ,but they both will receive fair and equal treatment from you and may help them heal in the knowledge that you treated them with fairness. Plus it may give you some peace of mind by letting you be by yourself to find out what got you into this mess in the first place and what you can do in the future to avoid it from happening again.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

The Catholic Church will annul a marriage if the vows were not valid from the beginning. You may not be Catholic, but I think the idea applies very well here. The marriage doesn't really exist if you didn't mean the vows. You two are living together, but if you split up, it's not the same as a divorce.<p>I'm skeptical this problem can ever be fixed over the long term. In my own experience, my wife was sleeping with other guys during our engagement. We tried to stick together, but years later, we're in the same place. I know another couple where the woman had an affair 10 years ago, just after being married, and they seemed to recover. But not really - just a few years ago the husband had an affair and they divorced.<p>There may be examples where couples have succeeded in this situation, but it's a really tall mountain to climb. You would have to be able to put the OM out of your life and thoughts, and the history is that you can't. And you don't have a solid foundation at the beginning of the marriage. I think most recovered couples had that to build on.<p>Joe has a good suggestion - you might need to say goodbye to both. Your current H travelled 1500 miles expecting you to become his girlfriend again - and you did exactly that, despite loving OM and despite your history with current H. How confident could your OM be with you as a partner?<p>I'm sorry to sound harsh, but really I'm trying to help you. It's honorable that you tried counseling and the periods of no contact. But it hasn't worked. Please consider, honestly, the realistic chances that it could ever work.<p>- Tom

CW,<p>It seems the vote is pretty clear. It seems you should divorce, IF you cannot change your perspective. I would again repeat what I and others said to you. LEARN from this experience, don't just rush off to OM. If you don't LEARN from this, why you reacted and decided as you have done, then the odds are very high, that OM will be your second divorce.<p>I don't know if you came here for help and strength to make your marriage go. If you really did all here will help. If you came here for validation to dissolve your marriage, I guess you got it, but it was given with great sadness. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Best of luck to your ConfusedW, you don't sound very confused to me. In fact, I wish you were a lot more confused, then perhaps there would be hope for your marriage.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I don't agree, divorce isn't going to solve this 'problem.' If you married somebody you weren't committed to, and don't get counseling, what good will divorce do? You'll just find yourself in another similar situation.<p>Solve the problem you're in, don't go looking for another one

Thank you for all of your comments. I am a little bit surprised that you all seem to be supporting us getting divorced. <p>To answer some of your questions. We have been married for 10 months. The eight months before our wedding I had no contact with OM and honestly believed that I wanted to marry my husband. He was aware before we were married that I had a relationship with OM that had ended. <p>Yes, the OM would like to marry me. I do know that I am in no way ready to make that type of commitment to him. In fact, I have decided if I do leave that even moving in with him is a bad idea. Although I care very deeply for OM I have misgivings about the relationship because we are very different people who have very different perspectives on the world. I don't know if they are compatible for a permanent relationship, which is why I chose to be with my husband in the first place.<p>I guess I'm feeling pressure from all fronts OM wants me to leave my H and is making things very hard, including trying to have other people convince me into leaving. My H is just pretending like everything is OK and my family and friends are horrified by the idea of me leaving or even considering it. <p>My H and I are 27 and OM is 25.

I think the main reason you are getting a resounding "divorce" vote, is because so far you've shown little knowledge of the word commitment...and so very early on in the marriage.<p>Look...you've already got reservations about being compatible as life partners with this lover...why not take a second look at that? You've known this other man for 10 years, and he's shown true commitment towards building a life with you...this other man is working on libido.<p>What's keeping you "stuck" is this nagging feeling that you'll be missing out on this fabulous "connection" if you ditch the OM. I can ASSURE you YOU WON'T be missing out on anything. There are several reasons you aren't feeling that with your H right now and none of them are due to Chemistry or any other cosmic thing. The connection is based on emotion and fantasy....NOT REALITY! The reality in your marriage right now is that you are SCARED of COMMITMENT! It doesn't sound like you were ready to get married.<p>But guess what...YOU DID! And you commited to vows, and to your H. And he's holding up his end of the deal...enourmously! He could have kicked you to the curb instead of doing counseling and trying to rebuild. Of course he's acting like nothing is wrong...he's scared to death!!<p>Feelings come and feelings go...passion and "connection" are fleeting at best. You CAN have that with your H...at this time you are unwilling to. It requires commitment, trust, and lots of soul searching to get there.<p>Have you seen an individual counselor yet? I think if you ditch your marriage you will soon regret it. You'll have your fling with this other man until it turns sour (about the time it turns into reality) and then you'll be a wandering soul again. Or you can choose to do some hard work and become worthy of your husbands love...at this point he certainly deserves better.

ConfusedW,<p>If you think you have some issues with OM now, wait until you divorce and start to see him and only him. It will become worse. Further, there is no chance that your H could or has connected with you because since before he moved out there YOU were connected to the OM. QED No connection to your H.<p>Most people can only have an deep connection to one person at a time, that is why the "soulmate" stuff is mostly... nonsense. THere are many men you can have a connection with, including your H, but it won't happen if you are connected to another man.<p>With your last post it is clear your H never had a chance, however if you take H4F's advice, I think you probaby could develop what you seek. <p>Think about it! Your H has never been given a chance and that is why you two aren't connected as you wish. H4F is right, I certainly recommended divorce because I sensed no commitment to your H and the marriage is not even a year old.<p>It can be saved and made far better than it ever was, but the choice will be yours. Your H has no control over what you do with OM and your feelings. That is going to be your job.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I disagree with the divorce vote.<p>My wife had her affair before our marriage and it continued till I discovered it 6 months later. <p>She sounded a lot like you do now after d-day and even through 4+ months later. But a good counselor (first one was bad), some meds, the church, and and real effort we righted our ship.<p>Did you give your marriage the time it took to get over withdrawl fully? Were you still thinking about the otherman? 3 months is a long time to not talk, and Ill admit that many are out of withdrawl but I think you need to commit to your marriage.<p>-HI

Whatever decision you make should be because your rational side prevailed over your emotional side.<p>Make no mistake, no matter what you decide (committment to your M or divorce) there will be pain involved for all three of you. You have to accept the fact that there is no escaping it but the pain becomes bearable when you know that your decision is what is best for you in the long run. Remember that your actions have much greater repercusions for you than for your H or OM. In the long run you are your own worst enemy.<p>From you last post you show signs of your rational side looking at the reality of what life with OM would be like and you yourself admit that you have misgivings about beign involved with a person like OM that has such different views on life than yours.<p>If you decide that was is best for you is to really committ to your marriage, you have to understand that it is normal for you to feel the way you are feeling. The painful process of leaving an addiction is called withdrawl and you have already had a taste of it. But with love and support from your H and honesty from you, you will in time get over the OM.<p>You have to remember that in life all of us have to do things that we don't like to do but we do them anyway because we realize that it's for our own best interests do them. And this also applies to resolving this issue of which way to go. But remember that the worst decision you can make is to stay where you are right now (two on going relationships) because it is literally a highway to hell.<p>Once again I implore you to obey your rational side because it works for your best interests in the long run.<p>Joe

I read through this post and I think that rather than deciding if you want a d. right at this moment, you should move out of your house and break contact with both men. Obviously your h. really loves you. Perhaps your OM may love you, but you don't love yourself. Give yourself six weeks of no contact of any sort with either man. Look inside of yourself at who you are and what your goals are--you can never love anyone else until you know who you are and love yourself. Maybe I'm wrong but I just get the feeling that you don't. Give all three of you time to think. Perhaps you will feel different, perhaps your h. might feel different.