Hi. Please read my angry I quit post and tell me SOMETHING. I blew it, I need to stay away from H, I am right to hang it up with our situation. I keep reading posts -hoping for similarities and find some but know my own temperment (sp). Wh hasn't called tonight and I bet he doesn't until I need to talk to him about kids or money. I think he has fallen more for the OW since we separated.
Thanks.

Hi can't sleep,<p>Do not give up! For the immediate future, pretend that you are a single mom. Play a mind game with yourself that H is gone for good. (I don't believe that that is how things will turn out for you, but this is a temporary coping mechanism for you.) <p>Since WH is newly gone from the house, his infatuation with OW could go on for several months. Then the newness will wear off and friction will develop between them. Then you will have real work to do.<p>For now, there is nothing you can do to change him. It will only frustrate you to try. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. Good heavens, with three really young ones, you have your hands full. Take care of yourself physically. Don't let yourself get run down. <p>Avoid LBs at all cost. Don't give WH any reason to avoid coming home when he realizes what he has given up for the A. Sure you are mad, hurt, anxious, lonely. You do not deserve this. But the only changes you can make for the time being are changes in yourself.<p>Use MB to vent. Try really hard to look at this as a long-term project. Let WH go about his business. The more freedom he has, the sooner the reality of his choices will hit him in the face. Then you are ready to consider rebuilding.<p>Best wishes,
Estes

Your only choices right now are whether or not to have contact, and if you decide to have contact or are forced to, then how you are going to conduct yourself during that contact.<p>No contact at all is better than contact which includes LBs.<p>Do you have a plan? In MB terms, are you going to Plan A, Plan B, or divorce? You need a plan.<p>We can help you put together a good Plan A. If you think you have done an adequate Plan A, we can help you transition to Plan B. And we can help you evaluate if divorce is a good choice at this time and under these circumstances.<p>What do you want to do?<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Estes,
Thanks for post. You're right, that needs to be my mindset..single mom. I need to find f/t job (not enough money), probably sell house, and try to keep my kids and me above water. I can't keep up with everything around house, in house and concerning job search, studying, bills, etc. H says he'll help with house but hasn't. I have forgotten so many things for the kids lately. I used to be so involved in their school/preschool..I just can't focus. This has been a good learning experience for me from the perspective that I need to cut other people some slack because one never knows what they are dealing with.
My dr. upped my dosage for antidepress. today. Maybe that'll help. I'll get through this...thousands of people are in the same situation and they do it and are stronger for it. Thank you. I know in my heart that I am strong and can make it without my H...the money thing threw me for a loop today-one day at a time.
-CS

Conqueror-After my kids go to bed, I am going to think about your post and respond when I have no interruptions. I welcome your input. Thanks.

BE AS ANGRY AS YOU WANT TO BE!. Carder, in "Torn Asunder" writes that ANGER is a necessary part of the process...<p>...but be productive in your anger... use it to figure out what you want... if it is your marriage... then make a plan...<p>Read up on Plan A in the Harley's books and check out Divorce Remedy and The Passionate Marriage.<p>But don't give up... make a plan... make a timeline... and work your plan [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ....<p>Hugs,
Cali

Thanks Cali for encouragement.
Now for my plan:
No, I only tried Plan A for about one week and yesterday and today I blew it all to h###. The problem for me to stay in Plan A is that despite the fact it's purpose, as I understand it, is to make me healthy again and become whole again and able to live happily with or without H, is that it feels like I'm staying open to more rejection and hurt from H. I can be the best person ever and it is still likely that he will not return. I felt good and in control and then, wham-o, new information and I go nuts. Tonight H called and talked to kids and then told them to hang-up. Normally, he would have asked to speak to me, if only to see how the kids were. My guess is that we won't speak easily for some time again. He told me on the phone earlier today that he had hoped we could be friends again someday..but it's apparent we can't be. I told him that was an insult..he doesn't want me as a wife but a friend.
Getting off the subject.
Last week I wanted more than anything to reconcile. I wanted to do Plan A for awhile and see how it went. After today and the upcoming legal paperwork we are going to do, I don't think it is possible for me. I think it is possible to concentrate on me and get it together but not in the hope that he returns.
If I am angry and assume he is never returning, it is easier for me to make future plans, etc. and move on.
It is also my understanding from replies, that Plan B may not work if there hasn't been a good plan A.
I don't think that I can act decent if he reacts to me how I predict that he will now after today. So, I guess plan A is out. Plan B is a possiblity and divorce is still in my mind. I love him but the person he has become I hate and I can't imagine ever trusting him again since everything he says is a lie-even when he didn't "need" to lie. I truly was willing to work on forgiveness a few weeks ago and told him but I feel a bit like a fool now.
He is not the person to do much deep thinking about this, which also concerns me. I don't know if he has the capacity to work through all this with me if we would reconcile.
In addition to being attracted to him and enjoying his company, I think I married him because he was so safe -I thought he would never hurt me. I've known him since we were 8. Dated off and on in high school/college. I was his first love and I loved him deeply as well. He is no longer stable and the guy who thought I was it.
I am babbling and I don't know what I want. Summary: I don't think I can do Plan A well. Plan B is a possiblity. Divorce is where we are progressing at rapid speed. My instinct says divorce is a mistake between the two of us but I can also list reasons that I would be better off if we divorced.
He has not asked once since he left (7 weeks) about reconcilation.
Thoughts? Thank you.

can't sleep,<p>Please think really hard before deciding to sell the house and move the kids. Don't you have to get H's OK to do that? Or has he already indicated that he wants the money from the sale?<p>Can't your lawyer help get support for the house and child support from your H? Even if you are separated, not filing for D yet, the court can appoint you physical custody of the kids, assign you use of the house, and get you child support.<p>While you are waiting to see what happens in your M, be sure you actively protect yourself, your kids, and your home.<p>Estes

Hi CS,<p>My d/d was Nov 00. In March 2001, I went to plan B. I was in plan A with a lot of shock, hurt and anger coupled with anxiety attacks and moving around in what I felt was the dark. Knowing that both the Ws and OW were laughing at me. That is how I felt. My H will say that he never laughed at me but he did. He just does not remember. OW would make fun of me and he tried to defend me but weakened with her puns. So he laughed at me. Painful but true. <p>That was 4 months of torture. By that 4th month though, I was regaining my strength. I had learned to feel good about myself and realized that while I may have not met my H's needs 100%, neither did he meet mine and we both were guilty of that. However, only 1 of us went out and did the dirty A deed. <p>At that point, I was able through my pain and anxiety attacks to look at myself and my child. No longer was I going to allow the OW and WS to keep me in the dark. Ahh.....I began to have plans and I was not about to make them privy to it. I learned to bait them with enough info to keep them busy but I learned to bide my time wisely. I paid a lot of attention to what was being done and not just said. I listened to info here and read and read. <p>I prayed for a calm heart and a clear mind. <p>I ask that you do the same. Time does heal all wounds. <p>L.

Estess49: We have signed the custody piece already. We will be working on property, spousal support, and child support next. We can't be divorced for one year but the other pieces can be done and filed. I have 10 months until the marriage itself is dissolved. I don't want to sell the house, but we can't afford two households -and I don't want to hang-on until it's too late and then sell around X-mas or something. Thanks for reply.
Orchid: Yes, I feel like I'm not functioning at my best. My h is so detached from me that I don't think he could laugh at me..doesn't seem to care at all. I guess I'll just see what the week brings. Thanks.

CS-<p>I noticed that in your profile that DDay was on March 28. Its only been 6 weeks and from your perspective, not much has happened. But, I'm guessing that things aren't so rosy in la-la land with H and OW. If saving your M is still your #1 goal, then you are probably going to have to give it more time. Most people say it takes up to 6 mos after DDay for the A to completely fall apart.<p>Probably not what you want to hear, none of us did, but that is the cold, hard truth. Right now, your emotions are probably all over the place so making any big decisions (like filing for D) should be placed on hold until things settle down. H decided to move out, that was his choice, that was his mistake, he doesn't know what he is in for (with OW) and what he is giving up (with you). If you haven't read Love Must be Tough, I suggest your do, and then take the advice in it and let H go, not because you hate him, but because you love him. Let him go and find out all that he has given up.<p>Cant Sleep, please don't quit now, you have too much going for you. Give MB a chance, it will be the best thing to happen to you if you give it a chance. If you follow the principles on this site and let us help you, you will overcome this terrible chapter in your live and become a stronger person. I have often wanted to quit, to just throw in the towel and say "fine, WS, you win!" I have even made the same "I quit" post like you did. But, after a few days, I realized how wonderful my friends, make that family, is here at MB and came back and they have helped me tremendously.<p>The separation papers is very important. Make sure that you are legally and financially protected, don't let WH dictate how the finances are going to be split, fight for your rights, you didn't do anything to deserve this and you shouldn't have to be made to suffer any more than you have. Don't make any hasty decisions about a D or selling the house, the house is an anchor that your kids desperately need right now. Focus on those kids, you will find the strength you need to continue on in their eyes.<p>Take care CS, you can make it, and we are all here to help you do that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Most of us here didn't think we could Plan A either and like LHS talked about, I would venture that every single one of us has written at least one "I quit" type post, most of us several of those. But those of us who stuck it out have found resources we didn't know we had and were able to do things we didn't think we could ever do. Many, many times I was able to do what I did because I thought of my fellow MBers and I didn't want to let them down because I knew they were rooting for me.<p>Plan A is all about learning and establishing new habits. And these habits are necessary for an affair-proof M. When you concentrate on that, you will understand the necessity for establishing these new habits, whether this M survives or not. If you ever want to have a satisfying M, you NEED to establish these habits, and Plan A is the best opportunity you have to do this. If you can establish these habits during the worst duress of your life, then you will have no problem keeping these good habits during more pleasant stages of your life.<p>What helped me during the worst of it was imagining that I was not doing these nice things for my H, but I was using him as a guinea pig learning how to be a better partner for my NEXT H, who would of course be a wonderful man deserving of my best efforts. Even though I hated my H and knew he didn't deserve the wonderful treatment he was getting from me, I was able to follow the plan for the plan's and my sake, not his, so that helped me overcome any aversion.<p>The first step is to stop the LBs. Even your wife/friend comment was a selfish demand. Plan A is all about the kind of wife you want to be, not about who you are married to. Do you want to eliminate LBs from the way to relate to others? If you do, we can help you, and your H is an excellent person to practice on.

Hi there,
im walking in your nightmare, and i feel with you.<p>{{{{{{I'm staying open to more rejection and hurt from H. }}}}}}}<p>I found a quote here at MB, i don't know where, however<p>I don't have to trust him(you) not to hurt me anymore. I have to trust myself to be ok when he does. TRUST YOURSELF. YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN<p>hugs and prayers for stength and patience. S

Thanks. Really bad day again. I can't stop crying. It's the first time ever I had my mom take the kids overnight because I just can't do it tonight. I felt this way b/4 I talked to WH and it's worse since I talked to him. We were trying to find a time to get together to talk about monthly bills and in the one minute we talked-he started getting ugly about me being specific about which date. etc. I selected a date and got off the phone quickly as I was crying-"I said, I can't do this today. I'll talk to you later." Of course, he didn't call back to see if I was oK or needed help with the kids. He's become a real putz.
One thing I should clarify..WH is not living with OW but a male roommate -although they stay together frequently (from 8:30-10 p.m. to 7 a.m.). I don't know why that time period..WH still doesn't confess anything. Just "she's a friend". Not true.
Thanks for all your posts. I plan to reread them in a better frame of mind.
CS