Up until my W informed me on 1/12/02 that I was her best friend, she loved me but wasn't in love with me...and later that day admitted she was interested in someone else, I never knew she was unhappy in our marriage. <p>We were together for 22 1/2 years and married for over 18, with two kids, ages 13 and 9. We never argued over anything big and all I ever heard was how I was the greatest husband and father ever going, how much she loved me and how if anything ever happened to me, there would never be another man in her life. We did nearly everything together and I never could have imagined two people happier with each other. Of course, now that she's left me, she's coming up with all sorts of complaints.<p>She moved out on 2/2, filed for DV in March and has been with the OM constantly. We have 50% custody of the children. They are also planning on building a home together as soon as the DV is final (if not before) so you can see she's really moved quickly. The DV could be final as soon as 7/25 but I'm working on slowing it down somewhat.<p>Is it unusual for a spouse to act as if they're so happy during the marriage and then have an A and move so quickly with a DV? Do most people know there are problems in their marriage before something like this happens? Don't most WS's at least try to work out problems by going to counseling or attempting reconciliation? My W told me in the beginning she didn't want to attend counseling because she didn't want to regain feelings of love for me because she didn't want to come back to me. Just seems so strange and I'm wondering how many others this has happened to. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I never had any idea my W was unhappy until she told me 18 months ago. I don't think she knew until OM came into her life. Alot of it is revisionist history. I think she was alot more unhappy with herself than our marriage. I'm just the punching bag she chose to blame. But I know I've been a good husband, flaws and all, and I know I'll be happy again someday, with or without her. Keep your head up!!!<p>sad dad

Oh yeah... this is SOOOO typical.<p>Same story here... I was "Prince Charming" for so long... even now - through her fog - she can admit I'm such a "good person". But because of the way the human mind works, even while in one breath she says I'm so great, she's got to criticize and revise history.<p>The way it developed in the early stages pre-D-day... she was just a bit more quiet than normal... that's it... we had been on a trip "back home" for 2 weeks in August... it was actually pretty fun... when we were returning, she was kind of snippy with me, which made me snippy with her - but I dismissed it as minor, minor bickering. The weekend before D-day, we went for a short day trip to an aquarium (a Saturday) - it was kind of fun - I remember holding her hand, talking about how it might be nice to go up the coast to a B&B sometime... she was receptive, but not excited like I might have hoped. The next day we drove up to the top of a nearby mountain. She said she was feeling kind of ill - I suspected it was the windy road... could have been the stress. She was definitely quiet that day. We got back home, started supper (pizza, actually). Her behavior just seemed a bit "off", so I decided to give her a hug in the kitchen. Well, that set her off... and the rest, as they say, is history... d-day arrived.<p>Now, to her credit, this revisionism starting to die off. I feel that's happening because: a) A is getting sick - shine has worn off, b) no LB'ing on my part provides no NEW material to hit me with, at least, c) Plan A efforts have slowly chipped away at her defences.<p>Also to her credit, she hasn't stormed along so quickly towards Dv... She realized early on that there were big problems on the horizon if she wanted to build a life with OM - and that slowed her down a lot - enough to keep her at home.<p>I think you'll be surprised to see the changes in her attitude over time, especially if you Plan A well (no LB'ing).<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

I had absolutely no idea my H was unhappy with our marriage until recent times when he started to withdraw. He was by then already having A though so it was too late to prevent that. We were going through what I thought was just a "rough patch". We had just been through a miscarriage and my H didn't know how to grieve over that or let me grieve. I didn't think it was anything that would ever lead to him being unfaithful. He told me a few times that he needed to be by himself and sort himself out and that he felt as though he had missed out on being a 20 year old (H 31yrs) because he went straight from home to living with me and then to getting married. I guess he solved that problem by having A with a 20yr old. I guess I just didn't realise anything was wrong until it was too late. We're trying to work things out now but all I ever hear is "let's just move on and forget about what has happened". Very easy I would say if you didn't have a heart at all. Anyway, I can only say that I hope everything works out for you and that you can find happiness again one day. Everyone deserves at least that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i knew we werent happy for a long time. lots of strains. we both withdrew. didnt know how to communicate.<p>i even knew he would probably cheat. i had been checking his clothes and things for awhile. i could have stopped this before it ever happened, but i think I was looking for a way out. i believed we fell out of love and were just co-existing for the family. then all he// broke loose in our lives-and we realized we wanted each other. so now i am trying to heal and learn to forgive-myself, for being an idiot, and him for same reason! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Like Nikko, we were not happy for a long time & in withdrawal. I didn't know what could be done to change the situation, felt that I had tried everything but just resigned myself to haveing a loveless M.<p>Then found MB, and it gave me hope.

In my previous marriage my exh complained about everything all the time. I tried to make changes to meet his complaints. But nothing was good enough. If I changed to be exactly like he wanted, then that was wrong. So yes I knew he was unhappy but he would never do anything to work on our marriage.<p>
In my current marriage my H says he was never unhappy. He loved me and was happy with our relationship the entire time we were engaged and married. But he had the affairs anyway. Go figure. Says he is even more happy now that he is not having the affairs as he is not haunted by the guilt and shame.

No idea at all. Of course then he said the usual<p>don't love you, never did
married you cuz I felt sorry for you
she's smarter than you
she has a more professional job (I was ONLY a teacher)
she dresses better
we have more in common
I deserve to be happy
our families are more alike<p>etc.etc.<p>The usual stuff they say to try to justify as they swim thru their fog. Yes, we stayed together (after a 9 mos separation) and yes it's been a lot of hard work. But it's worth it.

djw,<p>I don't post much here any more, but I'm sorry for your pain.<p>At www.affairs-help.com you will find "Types of Affairs" and "Self Assessment" to find out what type of affair it is. <p>Along with the wonderful Harley/MB principles found here, I found it VERY helpful to know what type my H's affair was (conflict-avoider). It provided a lot of insight into what happened (he was even more miserable and clueless than I!), and assisted recovery.<p>In answer to your question, my H acted, for the most part, like our life/marriage was just great! During last half of the A, he was calling me daily just to say he loved me! He treated me wonderfully (guilt!) and I thought things were great! He was meeting all my needs, but didn't know if/how to ask for his.<p>In your case, with W in a FOG(!), I think the Harley Plan A and B ideas are your best bet. I didn't have to go that route, but I'm very impressed with reading years of success stories. What your W doesn't understand today is that ISSUES/problems in a marriage don't "go away"... they will crop up again in a subsequent marriage! <p>Prayers for recovery,
J
(A produced a child by XOW)
In recovery 3+ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

You know what hurts as much as anything is that she trusts the OM completely and doesn't trust me any longer. As long as I've known her, I've always tried to put her happiness and that of the kids before mine. I've done everything a man could do to make her happy and give her a good life and I just don't understand how she can say the things she now says (that didn't get said when we were together) and do the things she's doing.<p>Last night she told me to get a life, to move on and give her a quick divorce. She's never coming back and there is nothing I can do to get her to. She said she shouldn't have waited until the OM came along and should have left 5 yrs ago. I said, instead of wishing you would have left 5 yrs ago, don't you wish you would have gone to counseling 5 yrs ago if you were unhappy? Her response; no, I don't love you and never will in that way. She also said I'm wasting my time on this website and with Dr. Harley's books and the counseling. "They're all out to tell you what you want to hear and they don't know how I feel" was her reply. One thing the two of us are working on is to try to be friends and we're going to go to lunch later this week. I don't see that as a positive though because believe me, nobody could be more clear they don't want me back in their life as a husband and I still don't know why. Well, thanks for the help and support.

Toward the end of a terrible 18 months in my personal life, and right before he crossed the line in his EA to partake in some kissing and petting (never had sex with her), my WH tried to talk to me. He tried to tell me he didn't feel wanted at home. I was SO caught up in my own hurts (not getting a promotion I deserved, conflicts in our church, eldest child starting kindergarten, ill mother, the list goes on and on), not to mention the injustices I felt he had been handing me by not meeting my needs, that I just did not listen to him. I basically said, "I'll try to do better," and left it at that. We were both waiting on the other one to make the first move towards meeting our needs. He made a move alright, but it wasn't for me. It was for the OW. You'd better believe I'll listen better the next time he comes to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, I'm not going to wait for him to come to me, I've been going to him every couple of weeks and asking, "Are you happy? Am I fulfilling your needs? Is there anything you'd like for me to do differently?" I don't ask, "Is there anything I could do better," because he'd be afraid that by saying there was, I would take it as an insult - get my feeling hurt. <p>BOTTOM LINE: I don't ever, ever, ever want our marriage to drop to the low that it was at when he decided to cheat. The question was posed: Once a cheater always a cheater?? I say, if surrounding circumstances deteriorate to that low of a point again, probably so. I don't want to take the chance.

Something she told me last night that I was too dumbfounded to respond intelligently to is that I mentioned something about her affair and she responded "I'm not having an affair". What would you call it then? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I guess that's really being in a fog.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: djw ]</p>

I would not say we were happy or unhappy, but rather that things just were not fun anymore. We had so much pressure in the last few years, and I started to put things at the same level as my marriage. She indicates I put my job and the kids ahead of her. In my defense I say I did not put the job ahead of her at any point, the kids I spent alot of time with, but never intended to put them ahead of her if she believes that. I think we both got caught up in our lives, and when it came time that we both realized things were going awry, I started to look for solutions in the relationship, she ran away and found another guy. This I know because she told me when I did not give her the love, she went elsewhere to get it.
As far as how fast things can progress, my wife met the guy, three weeks latter, indicated she needed some time away to think about things, moved in with him within one week. I found out she was having an affair within a few days latter, she stayed with him, and asked me for a divorce approximately three weeks latter, and is living with him. Twelve years of marriage and five kids, she dumped after after a few weeks of knowing the guy. No history of anything like this with me, very little indication she would do what she did. When they get into these affairs, people call it fog, I think it sucks their brains out, both men and women.

I was in total shock. I knew there was something wrong 6 months B4 the A was found out (probably because he was having the A either EA or PA) so I got some personal counselling, then organised to go to counselling together - the saddest thing was that while I was waiting for a very late H to arrive there, he was getting caught with her. That was pretty hard to digest. Then I found out about the A a week later.
But I honestly thought our marriage was good - needing the typical work of course - but I was willing to do it. He reakons the whole thing was a mistake.<p>Dancer

We were both pretty unhappy before my EA. Communication problems made everything worse. Ex: I'd say I miss you, I hate that you're never home, I hate the hours your job requires, I want to spend time with you. He heard I hate your job. <p>He knew I was unhappy, but neither of us knew how to deal with it. I spent a lot of time thinking that he was happy with the status quo because I didn't see any efforts to change it. He wasn't happy either. <p>We're doing better now, but it's a long road.
Hang in there...

My wife and I were both unhappy before she had her EA, we were in our 20's, small children, we both worked and I was going to school, we were having money problems, she was also pregnant, we
couldn't afford a babysitter so we had to work
different shifts. I figured when I got out of school and started making more money that everything would be fine , I actually thought it
was all because of the lack of money.<p> When I had my A, I didn't think we had any major problems except that I was a little bored
with my life and ow made it so interesting.

I am afraid now ,that we are falling into those old patterns and I'm not worried about myself but about her. I work all the time and have no time for us but I do it so we can have a nice life. I'm really trying to spend more time with my wife and do things with her. I don't think
we could survive another affair.