Hi all,
I have been involved in an EA for about 2 years and have written the final goodbye letter. My H dosn't know. I've been reading for a little while here and have been studying the MB concepts. Anyway, even though I know I have written the letter there are still times where I cannot help but think of OM. We were first loves in High School and came into contact again. It hit us like a lightening bolt when he contacted me. What we thought were two old friends revisiting the past and finding clousure to an old heart break turned into our admitting that what we felt all those years in between was a longing for each other. See, we never forgot about each other all those years and alwasy carried a special place in our hearts for each other. Anyway, we found that those feelings we had surpressed when we broke up long ago were in fact still there. But, the major probelem we have is we are happily married. Now, I know we should have stopped seeing each other and I admit I went into denial on purpose because I could not let this chance go by to be with the one I loved and lost so long ago due to our being so young and immature. During those two years we tried numerous times to break things off but found oursleves back in each other's arms. I know, that I don't want to go back to this again, as it hurts too much because of the trememdous guilt I feel for what I've done. But on the other hand, I am in love with OM. It has been going on 3 weeks since I've heard from him as I've blocked email and my phone.... also, I hve not mailed. I have been doing real good and am focusing on my marriage. I am very happy in my marriage and so is he. Can this really happen to people or are we really missing something in our marriages? I so, feel for his W and son and I don't want to hurt them or my family either. This strong pull has been so overpowering that I melt whenever he contacts me. I never, try to contact him after I break things off, but he keeps coming back. I hve been mean and have flat out told him to stay away.... but later like I said I do end up melting and that dosn't help either but perpetuate a pattern he knows all too well. I do love him enough to leave him alone and am trying very hard to leave it alone. Has anyone ever had this experience before? Can happy marriages be affected this way? I was very content before he came along. Also, I have never had an EA before........... Also, I have been so confused about this connection that I've been searching for answers. I came arcross a website if anyone is interested about some reserach a psychologist has been doing on first love reconnections. Seems there are many. But, unlike me, many are unhappy and end up divoricing to be together. My Om and I do not want to leave our marriages but also are finding it hard to leave each other no matter the consequences......... sorry so long... thanks for listening.<p>MissJ<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: MissJasmine ]</p>

RE: Can this really happen to people or are we really missing something in our marriages? <p>RE: Can happy marriages be affected this way?<p>Yes it can happen and does all the time. There is not such thing as a perfect marriage. At any one time the emotional needs of any one spouse for both spouses can be going unmet. So of course there is something missing in your marriage. It sounds like it is not pathological and with a little work you and your H can discover what needs fixing and take care of it. Marriages take constant tweaking. It is usually temporary and things get back on track. The main reason for affairs is not really unmet needs, it’s that the WS did not protect themselves from getting into an affair.<p>Do not let this affair make you start second guessing your marriage and rewriting history to explain it. We call that the ‘fog’. Many WS do this to explain why they are in an affair. Yet they would not have said that they were unhappy until the affair gets started.<p>My FWS (former wayward spouse) was involved several affairs during our engagement and up until the 9th month of our marriage. To this day he says that he was happy in our relationship and loved me the entire time. The affairs had nothing to do with me. They were about him acting out about other things in his life. Thank goodness that ‘phase’ of his life is over. <p>Generally we call people who want their marriage and the affair ‘cakemen’ or in your case ‘cakewomen’. You want your cake and you want to eat it too. <p>As you have found out, this does not work. Chances are that your H will find out about the affair. If he does not you really should tell him. He has the right to know what has been going on in his life. You made a unilateral choice to have an affair. Now he has to right to make decisions about if he wants to stay married to you or if he wants to recover his marriage. He has the right to know whom he is married to. I don’t say that in a judgmental way. What I mean is that to have a strong marriage spouses need to know each other’s weaknesses so that they can protect their marriage and each other from those weaknesses.<p>What you feel for OM is an infatuation. When you are with him you go back to a time when you were younger with fewer responsibilities. No doubt you have real feelings for him. But your relationship has always existed in a relm of low reality and low responsibility. Now even more so then ever. There is a reason you broke up a long time ago. Something was not working. Does not mean there is not an attraction. But it does mean what there was a serious crack in your relationship. But now it’s easier to relate to him because he is only meeting some of your needs. And you are only meeting some of his needs. You both go home to your happy marriages to get the remainder of your needs met. What do you thing would happen if both of you did not have spouses to fill your needs? <p>I speak about this from experience. There is a man I was madly in love with for years. The infatuation started when I was 13 and he was 15. He has kept in contact with me through all these years and is always bugging me to have an affair. I found that in the past every time I talked to him my feelings were rekindled. Thank goodness I never had an affair with this guy. Over the years he has told me about several affairs he’s had. He’s been cheating on his wife, he tells me about it, then wants me to have an affair with him too????? His take on it is that what his wife does now know will not hurt her. Even knowing this I still have some level of attraction to him. I avoid him like the plague. He is not good for me. If we had married it would have been a disaster.<p>IMHO there are several people on this earth at any one time we could have feelings for and even have a good marriage with. The idea is that we choose one of them and make it work. <p>RE: Now, I know we should have stopped seeing each other and I admit I went into denial on purpose because I could not let this chance go by to be with the one I loved and lost so long ago due to our being so young and immature.<p>This sort of denial is pretty normal in affairs. Do recognize from this statement that you CHOSE to have the affair. That is an important step toward recovering your marriage.<p>Please read the material on this web site. I would also suggest that you read the book ‘Surviving an Affair’. A session with Dr. Harley would help you too. You will need some help in withdrawing from the OM, telling your H about you affair, and recovering your marriage. You have a lot of work ahead of you.

Yes, it does happen. But it means your OM is meeting one or more of your emotional needs that your H should have a first crack at. Figure out what's missing, break off all contact and concentrate on your Marriage. You won't regret it. You say it's EA only? I was confused because you said you ended up back in 'his arms.' Emotional affairs can devastate a marriage just as much as physical. There is an excellent chapter in Torn Asunder all about them, you should read it.<p>I hope you will do the right thing and tell your H. He has a right to know. If you hide this from him, your marriage will deteriorate whether you believe me or not. That is also explained very well in Torn Asunder. <p>My H lied to me about his affair with my former best friend for 6 years. It has really broken my heart to think I was living a lie for almost 1/2 of my marriage. Don't do that to this man you love. You may want to get into counseling first (almost impossible to rebuild without it), and tell him in front of the counselor. That's what my H did.<p>I wish you luck and give you credit for being so honest.