What was in your head? <p>What was your logic? <p>Why was an A your choice of solutions?<p>(This is stuff I need to ask my H)<p>Replaced

Not all of us got into our affairs because we wanted out of our marriages. In fact, I desperately wanted to have my needs met inside my marriage. When that didn't happen, I resigned myself to the fact that that's the way life would have to be - but I still had these needs.<p>What was in my head?
MMmmm - I rationalized that I deserved to enjoy the company of the OW because she met the needs my wife was not - SF, RC, A&R. I wanted the affair to continue indefinitely the way it was...on the side, part-time. Deep inside (and in retrospect), I knew it would end badly.<p>What was my logic?
There wasn't any. Logic was telling me to give up something that was giving me a great deal of enjoyment at the time - so I put logic away. Is there any logic to running your life into the ground on drugs? But people still do it...because the high can't be reproduced in real life.<p>Why was an A your choice of solutions?
Because I believed I had exhausted all attempts to improve my marriage. I felt like I was in an impossible situation. The affair felt like the opportunity to experience things missing - I didn't want to go to my grave never having experienced the passion I believed was missing in my marriage. However, I knew I had obligations at home to fulfill - as a parent, as a husband. <p>Here's something I know I'll get blasted for but I'll say it anyway - if the affair had not happened, my marriage would never have changed. In the end, I knew I wanted my marriage, but only if things changed. I had pleaded, cajoled, gone to counseling - all to no avail.<p>I suppose I should've left. But my sense of duty to family wouldn't let me. So I took a secret lover to prevent upsetting everyone's apple cart (so I thought). My wife and kids remained in a stable home, and I was happy for the most part. My lover never wanted me to leave my wife, and my wife seemed happy with the fact that I never bothered her for intimacy anymore. Seemed like the perfect solution.<p>Low<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LowOrbit:
<strong>Here's something I know I'll get blasted for but I'll say it anyway - if the affair had not happened, my marriage would never have changed. In the end, I knew I wanted my marriage, but only if things changed. I had pleaded, cajoled, gone to counseling - all to no avail.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Okay, here's your blast [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] :<p>You have no way of knowing that unless you have special powers the rest of us don't. Your M changed because YOU changed. Unfortunately, you chose a destructive path of change. I submit that similar changes in the M may have occurred had you chosen any number of CONSTRUCTIVE paths to change. Pleading, cajoling, and some counselors are also dead-end paths, so don't tell me you tried everything. ALL of us have felt that way at one time or another, and some of us many times.<p>For instance, did you try being the person you were with the OW towards your W? And you have to be really honest and confrontational with yourself about that and it has to be at the time either immediately preceding or during the A to qualify. I certainly don't need to know, but you do.<p>I think your conclusion that only the A could have changed your M is a very dangerous one to your W because it appears to reveal a lack of insight to me. If you see that as being the only vehicle to change, what have you learned from your experience? You need to have insight and judgment to avoid similar choices and conclusions in the future. What if your M becomes unsatisfying in the present or future? Do you have a plan for that? And if you do, wasn't that same plan available back then?<p>I'm not really trying to blast you--just trying to get you to think a little more before drawing any conclusions. I think assumptions and premature conclusions lead to marital dissatisfaction, which, as you know, can lead to an affair. And it always helps to remember that you always find your keys in the last place you look. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

my husband actually said something to the effect of, but look at all the good that has come to our marriage because of it?? i could have killed him. it did let me know he hasnt really been facing what he had done. i honestly wonder if he expected a thank you???

I absolutely agree that the affair was destructive and a completely inappropriate avenue to solving our marital problems. I wasn't trying to justify myself. But, by analogy, do you think car would be as safe as they are today if there had never been any accidents? Good things can come out of tragedy.<p>You asked me if I tried to be the man to my wife that I was with the OW. I have to answer that very honestly - yes, I did. My wife was at a point where she saw things like dancing and romantic getaways as superfluous activities, reserved for young people. We were responsible middle aged people, and we should act like it.
I tried to be happy meeting her needs for financial security and domestic support. She says herself that she was very happy - that she had a perfect life. I was the unhappy one and efforts to share that with her fell on deaf ears - after all, if she was so happy, what did I have to unhappy about? Unlike so many others on this board who say they were clueless that their spouse was not happy, my wife knew it, but chose to discount it because addressing it would "rock the boat". Nothing I could say made her realize the dire nature of our situation. She saw it as "my problem" not "our problem".<p>If I had it to go over again, I wouldn't have an affair. I would probably just leave. In retrospect, I see that as the only option I had. Were there others? I certainly can't think of any. I am positive that if my marriage ever comes to that point again, that's what I will do. Leaving does not necessarily mean the marriage is doomed, and I hope it could have the same "wake-up call" effect. But then again, I wouldn't leave "just to get her attention" just as I never really intended for the affair to have that effect.
I hope our experience will keep us from finding ourselves there ever again.<p>What did I learn from all this? I learned that I was capable of unthinkable behavior that I would previously have judged others very harshly for. I learned that, sometimes, there is no easy solution. The affair was escape behavior - it provided an illusion of fulfillment, even if only for a short while. I believe my affair was very similar to other escape behavior options - drugs, alcohol, workaholism, etc. We all know that those are all paths to nowhere. I learned that I am prone to this kind of behavior and have to actively remind myself not to fall into it.<p>My wife has since told me that a very dangerous thought process for her to fall into was the "I didn't do anything wrong, so I have nothing to change" attitude. If there's anything we've seen here on MB, it's that both partners have a responsiblity to create a marriage relationship that prevents conditions under which affairs are likely. Is this the same thing as blaming the BS for the affair? - Absolutely NOT. Affairs are clearly, unequivocally, wrong.<p>We are both making some big changes in our behavior towards each other. But it's only because we're now BOTH willing to see our part in the decline of our relationship. And that had nothing to do with the affair.<p>Low

<<<my husband actually said something to the effect of, but look at all the good that has come to our marriage because of it?? i could have killed him. it did let me know he hasnt really been facing what he had done. i honestly wonder if he expected a thank you???>>><p>Next time he says something like this, DO say thank you -- and tell him that the next time your marriage goes through a rough patch, you'll know exactly what to go out and do to make it better.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Psycho_B***h

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by psycho_b:
<strong>Next time he says something like this, DO say thank you -- and tell him that the next time your marriage goes through a rough patch, you'll know exactly what to go out and do to make it better.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Psycho_B***h</strong><hr></blockquote><p>ROFLMAO!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] PB, you just totally crack me up sometimes!<p>Low,<p>You've obviously done a lot of soul-searching and do seem to have a plan, so that is excellent.<p>Just for further contemplation, another road that you may have taken that most WSs seem to opt out of is telling the spouse that you are attracted to someone specific and share your concerns about it. I know this is a hard one because there is such a small window between the recognition of the attraction and any concerns about the consequences and the point where those are replaced with concerns about discovery and fear of losing the possibilities the new R represents, but I know that window exists because I've used it myself several times. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I fully agree with you about the shared burden for addressing all of the marital issues to the satisfaction of both partners. Like you, I'm learning and forcing myself to DO different steps in the marital dance (see my current thread on avoiding conflict). Even with all the reading and trying I did for 10 years, I'm still learning new things, so that's why I challenged you to keep exploring all the options of what you could have done instead.<p>When I look back, we were BOTH in the state of withdrawal from each other, both of us miserable, and I look at it kind of like the chicken and the egg. There's really no point in determining how the horrible reinforcing downward spiral began. If only ONE of us, EITHER one, had done something different in an effort to reconnect, then the outcome may have been different. So I focus on what *I* could have done differently since that's the part I played in maintaining the alienation from each other.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Low, thank you for this post. It has been very helpful for me to read. My H as said almost word for word what you have said as to his thought process which lead to his H. It's comforting for some strange reason; Regardless of the logic, he's honest and you are to. Thank you for posting; don't let others scare you off. What you have to say has value as we all try to make sense of the actions which lead to affairs so that we can learn and move on! CSue

dear psycho- i did kinda say that to him- i also have a wicked sense of humor. i dont always admitt to the things i say-you all would think i was nuts.<p>the most recent one was when he was confessing to going to strip clubs and getting lap dances. he believed it would be ok-because i never had a problem in the past with them. well we are together 10 yrs tomorrow, i only knew about 3 times--so i told him that if i knew of it-it would not be ok. the few times he went were for batchelor parties. i also went on to explain that if i had known that having some gorgous hard bodied guy rub his [censored] all over me to the point where i wanted to throw him on the floor and do him, was ok- i could have had a lot more fun than i was having and maybe i wouldnt be so depressed.<p>HE WENT GREY!!!

Low,<p>You're not in danger of being scared off by me, are you? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>CSue,<p>I share your feelings of appreciation for Low. If I didn't think he was up to the challenge, I wouldn't have wasted my time offering it. Chill.<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

LOW---Thanks for giving my ?'s such careful thought. Esp that now you see that just leaving(or separating) was another option, a plan B. <p>I am very suprised no other WS have replied. <p>The reason this topic is imp. to me is that I have always told H to just divorce me rather than hurt me with more A's, but he still had another one. Just dont get why if he is so miserable he doesnt leave or get a divorce rather than keep hurting me.<p>To the rest of you, there is a new poster in this forum. Except for one detail, it fits someone I know very well. I hope I am wrong. I'm probably just being paranoid.<p>Replaced

Low Orbit, hi. I am the bs, but I understand what you are saying!! My h spent years telling me that I didn't pay him enough attention, that I thought of our kids before I thought of him, well, lots of stuff like that. I thought he was being a big baby, and was using these things as excuses for his bad behaviour (drinking, drinking, drinking, not coming home, drinking).<p>I thought I was the worlds bestest wife, I did everything for him, blah blah.<p>It took his affair to wake me up. Ok, there must have been other ways to get thru to my thick head, but I do beleive I finally "got it" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] about the time I found out about his affair.<p>I was a good wife, now I am a better wife. I get it!! He is no angel, has done some very very hurtful bad things, but... I see now that he was in some ways right. I was always busy, (we have 4 children). I never really made time for him. I thought I did, but I didn't. I didn't put him first nearly often enough. Now, after 18 months in recovery we are happy. Happier than we had been way before the affair.<p>I sometimes think as I read posts by some of the men trying so hard on this site to get that little bit of attention, love, affection, and well sex that there last resort would be to have an affair, hey before anyone shoots me down in flames, remember I am the betrayed spouse. And I know that is an unusal thing to say!!! Don't get me wrong, but when you have tried as you did, and as these other guys have, and it's like banging your heads against a brick wall, I bet it would be one way there wives would take it all the more seriously. Of course there is the down side to it all, ie breaking there wives hearts, risking a marriage breakup, having no trust, no privacy, guilt.... <p>Just really wanted to say I understand what you did and why you did it, I don't condone it, and as a bs I must admit that my h having an affair is the worst thing I have ever been thru, ever ever ever, but I do hear you.