For those of you who don't know my story, my husband came home after 9 months of back and forth. He came home with the mindset and the knowledge that a relationship with the OW was not fesable. IWe had a two week honeymoon period, where he was very affectionate and reassuring. We have been spending alot of time with a married couple that he recently got in touch with (while living with OW) and that has been good, they have been through something similar and so the wife knows how I feel (coming? Going? eggshells, and just so unsure of myself) and husband holds my hubby accountable. The OW does still have our truck until June 1st. I know that true recovery cannot begin until it is back and there are no ties.
Husband lied so much how do I know if what he says it the truth or not?
He has pulled back a little in the past week before he went away for military/work training, he will be back on the 18th, is that part of withdrawl? He was very honest and said that he finds it hard to touch me, and that he thinks of her alot, wants to call etc. But that his mindset was the same as when he came home (he was very loving and compassionate) but that it would take time, and that for us to be totally o.k. would be about a year.
I want to ask to have his password to his cell phone, (in the past they "talked" through vm) and to the e-mail account that I don't have access to. But I am scared to. When to we as the BS stop feeling like if we say something wrong they will leave or that we should be privleged to have them home? I don't understand this feeling.
He has mentioned moving to Cle-Elum, I said we could I guess, not too sure. I did some research now I REALLY want to, for a fresh start. Do I tell him that? How do I bring all of this up.
It is also hard to find things to talk about. That alone feels really weird. Those of you who know my story you know that there have been false starts befroe that I thought were real, so you know that I am more than a little gun shy, but this time did feel different than all the others if you know what I mean. So just a little skiddish.
Just some pointers and advice would be wonderful.
Thank you, you all are so special to me.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Faith-n-Hope ]</p>

Bump up

up

FnH,<p>Been wondering how you have been. Recovery is not silky smooth. I know how much we would like it to be but that would be a fantasy in itself and we would still doubt if it was real. Guess since our trust factor has been broken the BS are just a bunch of hard core pessimists. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As for the move? Why can't you just bring it up? Didn't he suggest it? If he questions your delay in response just say you had to really think about it. You did. <p>As for the passwords, well what does he think he needs to do about restoring your trust in him? Do you have the book his needs/her needs? Leave it lying around to the chapters about her needs. It might make him curious. <p>Sure wish we could just paint those OPs ugly. Guess we have to let them eat a lot of chocolate and get their own zits!! <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks, Orchid...I knew it would be hard but I don't understand this feeling of wanting to stay yet run, am I coming or going, to yell, love, or cry. I am more mixed up now than before. Did you get my pictures I e-mailed. Maybe we could hook up by phone...I am so tired of typing. I think that my computer and I have created a very strong bond...maybe an "The Other Puter" abbreviation should apply...(sorry really tired)
Bye [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Faith,<p>Your feeling whats called ambivalence..and it's normal..your not sure to trust him completely, but
you really really want too..because you love him..<p>But, rebuilding that trust will take time, and you can't be afraid to share your fears with him, if you are then you can't help build that trust that you so desperately need to rebuild your marriage.<p>I agree with Orchid, just let him know you've done some research on this place and you have thought about it, and think it would be great to have a fresh start some place else..maybe help ease the hurt some..<p>And finding things to talk about other than the A can be difficult..take baby steps here, read up on the news and try something small first..read His needs/her needs and discuss something you found interesting from there..<p>And discuss your fears and apprehentions with him
and ask him if he has any as well..<p>My prayers are with you

What if you tell him that you have been doing a lot of thinking and after you get your truck back that you do think it is a good idea to move and start fresh. But this time, in order for you to feel more secure, he could do some things to help you, if he is willing? (Such as, share the passwords to his e-mail accounts, etc.) Not that you feel you need to spy on him but his actions need to align with his words and there has to be a way for him to prove this to you and you can't think of any other way (to make you feel secure)???????? <p>Tell him that you understand he is missing his friend but if it is going to work between you this time, he needs to be more open about his "private" life. You just can't take any more false starts--it's affecting your (emotional) health.<p>Personally, I HATE the way WS's act so mean and BS's walking on eggshells trying to appease them in their withdrawal... Instead of trying to make things right, they continue in selfish behavior... It's not right for him to be making you feel like something is wrong with you. Some NERVE, ey?!!! There is NOTHING wrong with you! He doesn't deserve you, that's what's wrong... but hey, I know you love him so I think you should really lay it on the line but in a nice way.<p>Maybe you could tell him all your concerns and make it sound like all questions--like it is totally up to him... "Honey, what do you think about this?" Honey, would you be willing to...?" "Honey, I know how you feel about (blank), but what if ???"<p>That approach has been effective for me in bringing up topics that are hard to confront. Good luck! <<<HUGS>>>

Thanks for all of your replies. It will be interesting to see what happens when he gets home on the 18th...his actions. I will have him for about 2 weeks then he has to go to drill (1st weekend of June) to OUT-PROCESS!!! He will have to see her but I have to deal with that...as for the truck, it needs to be here NOW but I am picking and choosing my battles. After drill, he will have the truck and hopefully there will be no more contact, and we can start to rebuild. At this old unit he is returning to, everyone there watched our D grow from a baby, we are still in touch with many of them and as I said the married couple we re-established a friendship with is great for both of us, accountability and someone to talk to. So, end of June we can be together without interruptions.
(I still have big distrust with the national guard situation, but he has people watching him and helping him here, but I am still uneasy)
Great advice...thanks. (When do they feel sorry not for what they did, but for hurting you and your child, the pain? When do they realize?)

Hi FnH,<p>Wanna suggestion?!?!?! Practice the look!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The look that will make them wonder....... ah... you want him to think about you even if it is wondering what you are up to!!! <p>I spoke with PI the other day and she has implemented the 'look'. It works for me and I have 'small eyes'. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you still want to talk, I sent you my # last night. I will be home in about 1 hour. <p>Take Care,
L.

O.K. I thought of one more thing...man! This is harder than the waiting I think!!! How do I ask him about text messages, voicemail,contact,etc. without Lbing? Obviously there will be contact on that one drill weekend, but after that it is suppose to stop...just some pointers if any thoughts.
Orchid, I need to know if we are in the same time zone, I live in Washington (the state) LOL

FnH,<p>Same time zone and I am still UP!!! I called but your line was busy. I left a message on your cell and tried to send a pic but it is too big. Need to size it down a bit. <p>Call if you want. I will be up for a while. <p>L.

I'll call tonight L. After 8

Ahhhh...Drill weekends in the Guard...I remember them well..<p>If he goes to the club drinking..ask him to limit his drinking so that he can call you..<p>If you are able to do the phone sex [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] give him hints of something special if he calls you..at
such and such a time...and set the mood for yourself..before the set phone call time..and then
surprise him..<p>Make sure you help him pack before he leaves..and
put little notes in his pockets and socks about how much you love and miss him..I say put them in these places because he will be sure to find them..when he gets dressed..if you have a camera you can set up to take your picture of you in a
sexy nighty...do that and put a note on it of what you would like to happen when he gets back home..He may be shocked that you did this..But He will think about YOU!!! <p>And as far as when do they realize how much they have hurt the BS..it depends on the person..some
don't realize it for years..some never do..

TR,Thank you for the good Ideas on how to get him to think about me while he is gone. I used to be real good at phone sex, now I get embarrassed! I can write erotic stories though. I want to get back to being bold and sexy again instead of shy and timid. I don't know how to act when he gets back. I just spoke with him and he said that things are the same and that he loves me, why don't I just accept that? I think I will feel better when he gets the truck home...
How are you doing...I don't want this to be all about me.