"When do we as the BS stop feeling like if we say
something wrong they will leave or that we should be privleged to have them home? I don't understand this feeling."<p>Faith-n-Hope asked this & I want the answer also. How long does this go on? It seems like all I am is more of a mother role than a wife. PS: we dont have kids. Never chose not to, just never happened. <p>Boy, I wish I had the answer to this one! My H began to reject me & tell me stay away from his ofc etc. Wnet from leaving msg on machine to nothing at all & refusing to tell me where he was going on work out of town trips etc. Spent all his time with OW at work, where I also worked!! Rejected me in front of everyone & they had the 'we're out in the open not doing anything wrong attitude". My suspicions were screaming but I didnt listen til things were confirmed to me much later. I asked her to back off etc & she told me she'd never do anything to jeopardise her marriage. Found out later she'd already told H to file for Divorce. After hers was Final in October, mine filed against me in November. <p>He put me thru he@@ at home. I told him maybe he should move after he filed. The LIES!! ALL THE LIES!! <p>He moved out for 2 months, in an apt within walking distance from where OW lived in her fancy townhome. I saw his truck at least 3 or 4 times overnight at her apt before he actually moved. Even when he filed dismissal, he said he was going to apt to "pack". Was fighting with me threatening to "file again" etc. But my approval was not needed since he was the filer in both & judge dismissed it 2 months later. ANyhow when I decided to help him pack I could not reach him. He had his new cell phone turned off. I went there & SHE was there. I knocked a long time. Finally he opened door. She was hiding behind the bedroom door! He tells me he called her & she came to help him pack! BULL!! Told me another crapper the following Friday. ALl this the first week he came home!!<p>Its dismissed now but he has a laptop and cell phone. I get the feeling theres nothing going on with OW anymore (its been at least 13 months, maybe more! since they started up). But I can't trust him. I don't ask him where he's been usually when he comes home at 10 PM at night. But it drives me nuts inside. HE sleeps on floor downstairs, - not even in guest room! <p>Of course he blames all this in me. DENIES everything but in another breath tells me I MADE HIM do it!!! Had said in past how I was fat, lazy, slept all day etc. Now he's called me some awful names & I gave it back just as good until all this started happening last year. That is the ONLY thing I am guilty of. I have not cursed at him in a year. I found out details they had a PA & she outdoes hookers in seduction & tricks. I hate passing Victorias Secret or Fredericks in the mall GRRR.<p>He is civil to me & has started talking sometimes but nothing personal. No remorse, no apologies, no promise not to do it again, no admission of even 'making a mistake', NOTHING. I've started to cook some or buy groceries that only he uses. Take care of him when sick etc, but NONE of my needs are being met- NONE. I have no one to talk to, no family for support, no love or affection or someone to give me a hug, I jump when someone touches my shoulder, its been SO LONG. I am so lonely and sad. Yet, I miss the @#** when he is gone. Hes on out of state work training. Did I mention that last year OW went on trips to the same town at the same time!! Discovered they stayed at the same hotel at least 3-4 times. In the beginning, he had to go & she followed him but later I think they planned it, exchanging phone #'s of hotels etc. A little voice in me still wonders - has SHE gone to that town this week?? But he got a different job after he filed. Sometimes he says to me it was to get away from her (yet denies all) and other times he says he had to cause I "humiliated" him at work! Says I told everyone he was having affair! I didn't!! They have their own eyes to see what was going on. I was the last to know!!<p>Now I'm afraid if I say 'boo' he's out the door again. Refuses to go to counseling. Says there's nothing wrong with him. But he had extreme politics on the job & I say mid life crisis and recently bought a motorcycle!! I give up!!<p>What the heck is a person to do! I still cant file against him. I want us to work it out still. I want him to show me SOMETHING in his behaviour that would show me he wants to make ammends.<p>Help. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>His behaviour changes 02/01. My suspicions WAY high 04/01.
OW divorce actions 08/01, Final 10/01.
H filed D 11/01. H moved out.
12/01 Approached by people knowing DETAILS of their affair. Its lurid! I don't tell him.
H filed dismissal 01/01. H moved back home.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

Up.
Advice? Hugs?

I am so sorry your H is doing this to you. I really don't know what advice to give you... so I guess I'll go with hugs<p>{{{cantletgo}}}

First of all... {{{{{{{cantletgo}}}}}}<p>next... IMO... From your description, it doesn't sound like a marriage. Are you sure the A is over? Is H doing anything to meet your needs? Do you ever talk or spend time together?<p>Have you read Topie's latest post? If not, read that and see if that helps you at all.<p>IMO, you should have a rational, calm, talk with your H, telling him (calmly) all the things you're telling us here. Ask him what he wants. Tell him what you want. See if you can come to an agreement about how to achieve it. You 2 should try a counselor. He should strive to meet some of your needs. Do you think you can fill out the EN's and LB's questionnaires together?<p>What if he wants a divorce? Are you ready for that answer?<p>Only YOU know your limit, hun. Your name tells us you cant let go. Let go of what? What are you holding onto?

CLG;<p>A bit of advice from someone who was there a short time ago. After I discovered my Ws EA, it felt the same, like I was the one who had done wrong, and I had to be the one to make it up to her...<p>This ONLY began to change when I changed. I took control of myself, worked on myself, and started showing her I could make it without her. Backed off, stopped snooping, stopped asking about what, where, when, and my attitude has basically been; "you do what you think is right for you to do, I'm not going to stop you or even try to, just know that my patience has limits, and I don't know when that limit is going to be reached."<p>I've expressed this in many ways; conversations (VERY calm and collected), letters, and with my demeanor. She has now been told; look, I love you, I'm sorry for my part in creating an environment where you needed someone else, I have changed, can change, but I can't do this alone. You played a part too, and you need to deal with that. I am now ready to leave if I have to, so you're on notice.<p>No threats, no agressiveness, only very loving treatment, but backed up by a very stern stand on what needs to be done to fix our M. And no waffling there.<p>Recently, I had a conversation with her that went really well; we both expressed our desire to repair the marriage, to work on it, to go to MC together, etc. All very loving and tender, but at the end of that conversation I said; you DO know that in order to do this we DO have to deal with the A, right? We have to talk about it, process, it, disclose it, etc. Otherwise it can't work. She almost flipped! She thought that because I was saying we need to look to the future, that the past could stay in the past and not dealt with, and that is not the case. She was angry, hurt, whatever....but she knew I was not backing off, even if I expressed a deep desire to do whatever it takes to work on our M.<p>Then, and only then, can you expect to begin to see their attitudes change. When they begin to realize that you are strong, that you might leave him, and not the other way around, that's when forward progress can be made. Not before.<p>It's not easy. In fact, it may well be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but it has been the only way to make her start thinking about all the wrong assumptions she had, and that maybe she will have to start changing her tune and seeing things as they really are.<p>And this is a woman who still believes she did nothing wrong, who still maintains contact with the OM, and who thought my fear of losing her would allow her to get away with whatever she wanted...a very strong and determined woman.<p>Work on you. Work on detaching, work on getting ready to leave him. Set boundaries. That's your best bet IMO.

thanks for the replies. My H filed & dismissed & came home after only being gone 2 months. When he came home he was still in contact with OW. I get the feeling that its ended. But we have a house that I dont want to leave or be forced to sell. We did so much work to it & loved our house. Its not my fault he thought rough sex with OW was a better life than me.<p>Spacecase, my H seems to be like your wife a little. Recently, a long lost cousin (male) came to visit me. H had said he wasnt going to do anything with him or me. When cousin left H was talking crazy & saying we excluded him!! (jealous??). That night he was saying Lets work it out & give it a chance!!! In December I had said lets put the past behind us & start fresh. So now he was giving me back my own words! But when I said I want to know what he & OW used to "talk" about that was so interesting, he flipped. He told me it was none of my damned business & he would never tell me!! GRRR. So that was the end of that. He has mentioned moving out "eventually". We dont see each other much with work schedules & on weekends he stays out alot with 1 guy now that he got a motorcycle. (Id rather it be this than OW). But he doesnt do anything for me. Like he's out of town this week & I,m the one doing all the phoning. He did call when he got there & will call before he leaves at the end of week. I feel guilty if I dont do caring things (like cooking, etc or buying his favorite things at grocery).<p>SO, how do I detatch? I always get afraid he will then assume I dont care at all & leave me. Help!!

there is a thread located "in recovery" that has helped me in dealing with my "fencesitting" H. Check it out. It was written by sadprincess and has 18 responses last time I checked. good luck

cantletgo,<p>As a FWS, I can tell you that your H doen't really care how you feel at this time. that's just how it works. Instead, the WS think of all the reasons this A is justified. Now I want to ask you, was your H meeting your needs before he started this A? I know each marriage has it's own problems that let the WS justify his/her behavior, but it just seems that you have been suffering some emotional and verbal abuse in the years before this A began. How do you see yourself? When you look in the mirror, how do you see yourself? Then when you take a good look at this relationship since you have been in it, do you see something worth saving or are you afraid to let go because you don't see yourself being able to cope with being alone? <p>I hope you don't think that I'm prying too much, but these are some hard questions that you should look into, my opinion only here. But understanding yourself may give you the strength do what you need to do. You are not a doormat to be used and stepped on and treated with careless abandon. But you are a treasure to be respected and treated with care.
My prayer is that you figure out which you are and where you want to go with your marriage.
Debbie

Yes, there was emotional/verbal abuse on occasion over the years. But nothing like this last year. In the beginning of last year, I got wonderful presents for my B-day and Valentines Day & the stuff hit the fan shortly after that.<p>I don't know who I an when I look in the mirror. "The girl who used to be me" (shirley valentine movie theme song!) - I cant remember her. She got stifled over the years, and now I am stuck. I was devastated & pleading before christmas, but then I got MAD when I was told details of the affair by others. When I was mad at him I could avoid him & didnt care what he said or did. I was able to detach I guess some & then he was curious what I was up to, but it was still on his terms, not mine. But I dont hate him. I still love some part of him. I think the old him is buried in there somewhere. <p>I guess what I can't let go of is the good parts of the past and the idea that somewhere in there is the caring funny guy I used to know. The belief that "IF ONLY. . ." he would show remorse & let us share our lives together & agree on some form of counseling .. that we could work it out. We were friends for 5 yrs before getting married. I can't let go of our house either. I see it as our HOME and am very attached to it. It is large for 2 people but we got it for a good price & have done alot of work to it. Now, it turns out if we were to sell it, we would make a good profit. Sometimes I think this could be the only reason H came back. Of course OW's ex-H told her she better not expose their son to her "friends". At the same time, I was able to qualify for refinancing on my own if I had needed to, once the D was done, he would have just took his name off. I am uncertain if he would do this now. <p>I feel bad when my giver goes on strike, but my taker has died from starvation. I just feel STUCK. I think if I did hate him it would so much easier, I could cut it off & move on. But I dont feel that way.<p>ALways, I had thought for our 10th anniversary we would renow our vows, have a big party, maybe buy new wedding rings. Back then, we had no money & no big ceremony, reception, shower etc. I was going to buy him a $ 300-400 watch hes always wanted. Turns out he found it cheap just last week in a shop out of town & bought it himself! He used to buy me a little something from out of town always til last year. He did not get anything this time for me. I had kind of thought maybe to myself.<p>So what do I do for anniversary time. Its coming up quick in a week or so!! I plan on buying a card. Do I mention anything? Buy a gift anyway? with no expectation of anything from him? This is SO HARD. I am heartbroken. I do take antidepressants since in the midst of all this & see a counselor for myself individually. But they leave it all up to you to answer things for yourself. I hate that. So I appreciate what is said here.<p>H & I don't discuss personal stuff lately. It always seems like we go around in the same circle with him saying he's always been unhappy (Major rewriting of history!) etc & blaming me for lots of stuff that I had nothing to do with. THat I made him be with OW (yet denies this!!) that I drove him to her. I feel quite strongly its been over for at least 3 months now. No indication from him. He was a really bad liar. I used to hear expressions from him he never said before. I can see the sadness in his face when I catch him looking at me sometimes. AARGH. Im just plain tired. Did I already mention he sleeps on the floor most all the time.<p>I did read sad princess post in recovery board. Boy, thats close to home!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>