Hi, Used,<p>This really feels like deja vu...listening to you describe your relationship with the other. I was there. I even posted here (under another name) hoping someone would talk me out of it.<p>My wife and I are five months into recovery from my affair. It began almost exactly the way you describe yours. Long conversations, discussions of "soul mates", etc.<p>Listen closely to this...IT'S THE TIME YOU ARE PUTTING IN TO THE RELATIONSHIP!!!
It's already been suggested you stop this and put that same time into your wife. <p>But, you're thinking "My god, What would I have to talk to my wife about? I can talk to the OW about everything..."<p>I would venture to guess that, slowly, imperceptibly, you have closed off a good bit of yourself to your wife. To preserve domestic tranquility, you don't show her the parts you fear she'll reject. However, because you don't have history with the OW, you can afford to toss it all out to her and see how she responds. What have you got to lose?<p>I challenge you, no, I double-dog-dare you to make a list of the things you feel like you can't talk to you wife about, then DO IT!!!. She will surprise you...I guarantee it.<p>Suddenly you'll find that you have much more to share with your wife than you thought you did.<p>Also, since you are talking about having sex, you have already invested a good bit in this relationship. You CAN give it up, but be prepared for withdrawal. For a little while, you'll wonder if you did the right thing...staying. You have to know that you are, even if you feel otherwise. <p>Give it chance. I wish I had made different choices before I had my affair.<p>Low

USEDMAN:<p>You sure have gotten some great advise here! <p>As a former WS, I can only add one thing: If you think you feel bad and confused now, just go ahead and have sex. You have NO idea just how low you really can go until you reach down and do something as ugly as that. <p>The personal devastation is NOT worth it. Please believe me. I gave up my integrity, my character, my good name...everything I was for some stupid, selfish decision. My OM was my "soulmate" too, but within a couple months of the A ending, just thinking of him and what we'd done together made me physically sick. <p>One more thing....It is impossible to work on your marriage and love your wife while the OW is still in the picture -- period. Get her out of your life before everyone is totally devastated.<p>Now, do the right thing. You'll be glad you did.<p>at peace

Everything at first is going to seem so alive. Just look at a kid when they get a new "toy". They play with it a lot when they first get it but eventually it ends up on the shelf with all the "old" toys. Think about what you are doing. It isn't worth it. Quit playing with fire. Be a man and stay away from this other woman. Either end the relationship you are in first before you move on or give the relationship you have now an honest chance. By giving it an honest chance that means ending all contact with this other woman. You need to think about your wife and your kids first.

My husband was sure he was not in love with me anymore. I was sure I wasn't in love with him anymore. Turns out we were wrong. Really wrong. Heart-wrenching, my-husband-tried-to-commit- suicide-when-he-realized-what-he-gave-up-kind-of-wrong. <p>Turns out that there are things we can do to build those feelings up. If you come clean with your wife and are patient with her pain, expose her to the concepts in His Needs Her Needs and Surviving An Affair you should be able to convince her to not only allow you to remain married to her BUT she will probably bend over backwards to meet your needs. You are not even giving her the opportunity to meet your needs, as my husband wasn't. Until the OW is out of the way and <p>As far as ending it, tell your spouses and this will help A LOT. She will help you stay honest. My husband was so glad it was all out in the open and that I and OW's husband knew because he hated it and wanted me but didn't think "we" were still possible.<p>My H maintains that nothing physical happened. If you stop yourself now your wife will have far less to recover from and your marriage will bounce back much faster. Follow all of the steps in the books including the no contact letter immediately and you will find yourself feeling free. <p>You will also go through withdrawal from this other addictive, infatuation. Your wife may or may not be able to help you through this, depending on her response, but please be aware of it and plan for it.<p>Congratulations on finding this site and trying to save your marriage.

USEDMAN - <p>As others have said - RUN - back to your wife. <p>Then TELL her what has been going on. You asked "wouldn't this just kill her?" I am sure she will be hurt that you are even contemplating a physical affair with this woman...however, it would definitely kill her to know you had a physical affair with her and believe me, she will find out, one way or another. <p>You MUST tell your wife about this. The two of you cannot deal with it and overcome it unless you are on the same page so to speak. <p>I am a FWW. I keep thinking back to how my affair started - the OM wrote me an "innocent" letter - wanted to know how I was after 13 years and if we could see each other and catch up. If I had just told my XH about the letter, if we had talked about it instead of me keeping it a secret, I probably wouldn't be here right now. We would still be married and all of the hurt from my affair would not have happened. <p>You are married to your wife. You have made a lifelong commitment to her. DO NOT violate that commitment. You will hurt yourself, your wife and your children and countless other people in your life. <p>And...by the way....love is NOT a feeling - that is lust and infatuation. Love is a DECISION - it is a CHOICE you make. Make the choice to really LOVE your wife and be faithful and true and honest with her.

There is no try... only DO or DO NOT...<p>Fidelity isn't a promise you make to your spouse, but a promise you make to yourself. <p>In the end, you will rip the heart and soul out of your wife, and you will feel lower than low.<p>Good luck to you.
Cali

usedman:<p>"I'm not sure what to say or how to start. a friend suggested I get some insite here.
I have been married for 20 years and love my wife but have never felt in love with her."<p>I'm sorry. I don't believe this. Why did you marry her? Sounds more like you're rewriting history to justify your lust. And that's what it is.<p>"We have two children and she is a good mother and wife."<p>That should be enough. Focus on your R with her, and you'll be surprised at how she'll respond to you!<p>"Here's the problem, I work with a woman that I have become very good friends with. She is also married with 2 children. When the people from work go out we always seem to end up talking all night and I really feel alive when she is around."<p>Somewhere in this is your first mistake. You've already crossed over the line and are in an EA with this woman. Break it off and tell your W about it before she finds out on her own. You'll hurt her with the truth, but not nearly as much as if you keep it hidden, and worse, if you keep it hidden and bring this A to the next level by screwing this woman.<p>"We haven't slept together but both want to because we feel we are Soul mates that should have met BEFORE we met our spouses."<p>Sorry, this is horse$hit. You've got a fantasy relationship with this OW. You don't have to deal with the day-to-day existence with her that you have with your W - like cleaning the house, washing dishes, taking care of sick kids and helping them with homework. You only see the good side of each other when you're together. For now, that is. It can't last.<p>"The friendship is getting out of hand. She has changed jobs but we still talk and see each other. The longest we can stay apart it seems is two weeks. But in those two weeks I can't sleep I can't do anything but think of her."<p>Talk to your W. Tell her about this OW. She is the only one that should be there for you to help you get over this OW.<p>"I check my messages all the time!!"<p>You should change your number.<p>"Even when home I will call work and check."<p>So stop. <p>"I really love my wife but don't really feel the passion I feel for this woman."<p>It's the fantasy. It won't last.<p>"If she said she would leave her husband I would (I think) leave my wife and give up everything to be with her."<p>This would be majorly stupid and cruel to both your families. After you got together, the reality of day to day existence would start to wear you both down, and then you'd have to face what you trashed in the process. Don't do this.<p>"I don't know what to do. I picture my children's faces, my wife's face and I try to stay away but I can't stop thinking about her!!!!! I can't stop! Some part of me doesn't want to because I've never felt like this before!! I'm losing it and don't know what to do!!"<p>At least you're contemplating the consequences. Get into Cing, tell your W, and break off contact with your OW. Better yet, when you break off contact, advise her to tell her H, so he can help her back to her M.

YOU HAVE TAKEN A VERY GOOD 1ST STEP BY ADMITTING THIS, AND SEEKING HELP. Now for the hard part, tell your wife. What, am I nuts? NO, but if you don't and you enter into a physical affair (you are already having an emotional one, which IS cheating by the way), your life will NEVER be the same. <p>My H's affair started JUST LIKE YOURS. He was convinced that my former best friend was his soulmate, that he never loved me, etc. Guess what? EVERYBODY FEELS THAT WAY IN THE FOG OF INFATUATION! Your feelings are not based in reality and later on you just may realize how wrong you were. Don't destroy all of these lives in the meantime.<p>I can not tell you the devastation his affair has caused. He almost lost his business, her H was his partner/best friend. She was also his employee. Did you know most affairs happen at work? Why? Because everybody is always on their best behavior, dressed nicely, pleasant, etc. You only see their GOOD points. Since you have nothing at stake with them (paying bills, taking care of sick kids, etc) you feel free to be 'yourself' in all of your glory. But it DOES NOT last. Reality will seep in, and you just may lose everything you have.<p>If this woman is willing to have sex with you, then she'd also cheat ON you. My former friend cheated on H #1 with H #2, and then with H #2 6 mos after the wedding with MY husband. Yep, I was her matron of honor. And she had the nerve to get INTO MY BED in my house which is my safe haven with my husband.<p>They both lied about it. I just found out 10 mos ago, it happened 6 years ago. The lies/betrayal and deception are just as bad as the sex for me. Please do not do this to your family. They do NOT deserve it.<p>Take the emotional needs questionairre with your wife and determine which needs this OW is meeting that your wife should have first crack at. Your wife has done nothing wrong, don't destroy her life for fleeting 'chemistry' that won't last.<p>The book Torn Asunder has a great chapter on emotional affairs by the way. It's the best book I've seen on infidelity. My counselor liked it so much when I told her about it that she's now using it in her practice.<p>You have a chance to prevent this from ruining many people's lives...something my H chose not to do. Our marriage will never be the same, and I will never view intimacy the same. Once the scars are there, they can't be removed.<p>I PLEAD WITH YOU.....STAY AWAY FROM THIS OW (if you really love her, you'll think of her H and children as well) and talk to your wife. Get into counseling and repair the problems NOW. Marriage vows DO mean something, and they hold much more water than illicit sex with another man's wife.<p>Good luck, I'll pray for you

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by USEDMAN:
<strong>If she said she would leave her husband I would (I think) leave my wife and give up everything to be with her.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Let's say that this materializes and she leaves her husband. Suppose that you leave your wife. Suppose you get together with her and marry her. How long do you think it would be before you were wondering who she was spending 20 minutes with after work? How long would it take her to wonder what you were up to with that cell phone, or that email account? She'll be all over your every move all the time, and you'll be doing the same to her. The only question is which one of you would cheat first. Why? Because both of you have already proven that you are willing to lie like a rug and abandon your committments when something better came along. As soon as someone caught her eye you'd be history. When the shine rubs off you'll be looking around too.<p>Ok, you'll probably insist that you're different, she's better than that, she'd never do that to you and you wouldn't ever cheat on her, she's your soulmate and you are hers, ad nauseum. Fine. What about those that are left behind? Do you really think that nobody will figure this out? Surely you realize that at some point in the future the light will go on above your kids' heads and they'll realize that you cheated on their mother. Is that how you want to be remembered?<p>I'll be 40 years old this year. When I was about 15 my dad divorced my mom. He married the OW roughly 3 months later. To this day, EVERY TIME I see her I think of her as a homewrecker. She's been nice to me, and I've been nice to her, but I know what she is and I'll never forget. Your kids will never ever respect your OW, and it's likely that they'll never respect you either. Her kids won't, and when they realize what their mother has done it's likely that it'll kill whatever respect they might have for her. <p>What about your family? Do you have brothers or sisters? Parents? Will any of them be proud and happy that you've dumped a faithful wife and great kids for another woman? Any siblings or parents on her side that'll accept you in spite of the fact that you conveniently jettisoned your wife and kids, ignoring their pain just so you can be with your "soulmate"? Having been in on this in a very personal way, I can tell you that you'll be laughed at behind your back for years to come, and probably the rest of your life. People will roll their eyes, shake their head, shrug their shoulders and chuckle at the mention of your name. You won't be trusted anymore. Everything you say will be doubted and questioned, particularly by your kids. <p>So... you can press on with this course of action and utterly destroy a whole bunch of lives including your own, or you can keep your integrity and do the right thing. It's your choice. Think about it though. Once you take a step down that road the return trip is more painful than you could imagine - if it's even possible.<p>I know this reply is harsh. It's a harsh situation you've put yourself in. Remember the first rule of holes: When you're in a hole, stop digging.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: o2bsane ]</p>

Your story could be my story...in fact, at first I wondered if it was my OM writing it. You've gotten lots of great advice. You must stop all contact with the OM. You can't be in touch with her and YOU have to be STRONG. YOU have to be the person to walk away.<p>I was involved in an EA for 24 months. I had to change jobs in order to even have a chance to quit seeing the OM. Like you I thought about the OM 24 hours a day for 2 years...quitting seeing him actually took a full year from the time I changed jobs. It was just so hard. The torture and struggle between heart and mind has been almost unbearable at times...but I'm getting there. I haven't been in touch with the OM for a month. It is really, really hard. I'm still sad at times, and miss him all of the time. But I no longer think of him 24/7...just 12/7...but I have done the right thing. I love my husband, I love my boys and they deserve to be brought up in an loving, stable family. I thought that I would throw it all away for a chance with the OM. But I knew that I could never be really happy knowing the lives, hopes and dreams that I destroyed for my own selfish needs. I could never leave my H, bc I love him, enjoy his company, laugh with him. I couldn't leave him bc I feel the intensity of a new love. That didn't make sense.<p>It's a really tough world and we don't get everything that we want and everythings not perfect all the time. But we are in control of an awful lot. Don't ruin your life and the lives of so many others...just hang in there with your wife and make your marriage the very best it can be. You made a commitment to her when you got married and to your children when you had them...you can't walk away from them bc you feel more passionate about another woman.<p>If you want to commesorate with a we who had to walk away from the love of her life...feel free to contact me. ashirely1@hotmail.com

Just one more thought for you.<p>Do you know that the emotional affair that you've been in can actually be the catalyst to having the passionate marriage you've always been missing with your wife?<p>Good things can come out of the hardest, most emotionally desperate times of our lives. I have often said, while biting my tongue, that sometimes I am thankful for my H's affair because we have a wonderful marriage now, one that has grown and become something we both longed for and dreamed of before the affair. Did it hurt? Was it hard? You bet. Was it worth it? Absolutely, for everyone involved. If you are honest with your wife, you are repentant (not just remorseful, there is a difference), and you both learn the how's and why's of why this happened and work together to mend things you will be shocked at how something so fulfilling can emerge from so much pain.<p>Your affair is an addiction, just like the cigarettes, just a different substance. Consider the possibility of depression and the affair as a way to self medicate. That is very common.<p>You've come to a great place. You won't find a more supportive bunch of people anywhere....and we'll give you a kick in the pants when we think you need it! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Don't destroy your family. Don't destroy the OW's family. There is no honor in that.

1. "What goes around, comes around"<p>2. "You are as sick as your secrets"<p>3. "You reap what you sow"<p>4. Nuff said

USEDMAN:<p>I can't say more than what has been said already.
I guess all I have is my own husband's (The WS) advice:<p>"Do not do it. Nothing will rip your soul appart faster and worse than an affair. For your sake, your wife's your children's, and that "love" of your life's sake, DO NOT do it"<p>You said you married your wife because you didn't want to hurt her. Well, I think it is time you did something real to protect her. Tell her the truth, give her the benefit to try to be your lover, your friend, your confident. Keeping her out of your life will just make any effort from her invalid and worthless.<p>Open your heart to your wife. If not for her, for yourself. Do it because you deserve to give your own life a full try, do it because you deserve to be a good man. Do it because you have decided to do it. Otherwise, it will never work.<p>Did I make any sense? I hope so.<p>Be strong, the worse is yet to come, but you know... nothing good comes easy and effortless, we all ought to work for the best things in life. Romance is all good, but when the spark dies... then... well you see what happens.

Re: “I feel like I married her because I didn't want to hurt her..but....not having a husband that loves her ONLY and is IN LOVE with her is not fair either, is it?”<p>You be surprised to know that almost all WS say this almost word for word. And after they patch up their marriages they say it was never true.<p>My Ex-H justified his shenanigans much the same way. His version of it was that he was not ready to get married but I pressured him into it. That he never really loved me.<p>Well we had been seeing each other for 4 years and I broke it off with him for several reasons. A few months later he came back and we started to date again. Asked me to marry him. At first I laughed thinking it was a joke. But he kept it up. About 4 months later I realized he meant it. Seemed that he had changed. We were happy. So I said yes. <p>I’m still trying to figure out how I forced him. The rewriting of history helps a WS justify their actions.<p>Please don’t ever tell your wife what you have said here about why you married her. She will never get over it. Are you really telling us that you married her and spent your entire life for all the wrong reasons? That your marriage is based on pity? That you allowed and suckered a woman to give her life to you for that reason? That your children were conceived in pity?<p>I don’t think this is the truth. I don’t think you are the kind of man who could do this. Perhaps you have just forgotten the way you used to feel about your wife. <p>The passion you feel for the OW is not hers. It is the passion you have within you, the passion you are capable of. You have discovered or re-discovered your passion. Now just change the object of that passion. The MB concepts tell you exactly how to do that. I can tell you from experience that they work.

ashirley-Nobody told you that you HAD to walk away from the 'love of your life.' I'm sorry, but that makes me feel very sorry for your H.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maggierose:
<strong>ashirley-Nobody told you that you HAD to walk away from the 'love of your life.' I'm sorry, but that makes me feel very sorry for your H.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>And I'd also like to add that although ashirley offered you her email to talk offline, it is the WORST possible MISTAKE to do that...<p>I'm sure her heart is in the right place, but it is far too easy to cross lines - I know.<p>Please, both of you (USEDMAN and ashirley) -- be CAREFUL about making the OP-relationship the "one that got away"... IT WILL ONLY MAKE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO HEAL THAT MUCH HARDER.

USEDMAN,
I hope I/we haven't been too forceful, but I know I would give anything to have had a chance to rebuild my marriage before W started physical part of the A. Things would have been easier on her too.
I do have to commend you for coming here. There must be a part of you that knows you shouldn't be doing this with OW. Like others before me have said. Sit down with your wife and talk. Tell about Ow, how wrong it was to do that to Wife, and how you don't want to make the biggest mistake of your life, by throwing away a 20 year marriage. And mean it. Put all your effort into noticeing your wife and the wonderful person she is. You didn't pick a bad wife, things just got routine. Help your wife through this and understand she will have many emotions. She is allowed to have them. Understand and comfort her.
Think of her right now and she will heal and you can feel better too. Work at getting her trust back, there will be none at first. Working together you can do this.<p>Keep us posted, there is nothing that brings us up like good news. It gives us hope.

USEDMAN,<p>Have we lost you? Please let us know if you are still around.

maggierose,
You shouldn't feel sorry for my H. I love and adore him and make him very happy and feel very loved...my love of my life was a fantasy, so not really the love of my life...I'm married to the real love of my life.<p>Last night, my H was out so my sons and I went out to dinner (ages 14 and 16). I asked them if they had many friends who's parents were divorced..their response was yes lots. And they added that it really sucked for the kids. And my older boy said, "it seems so stupid to get divorced...they must have loved each other, which is why they got married. So divorce must result from people being too stubborn...also, if they loved each other once, they surely can love each other again."<p>How wise for a 16 year old...

[[[[[[[((((({{{USEDMAN}}})))))]]]]]]]<p> WASSUP?<p> Replaced