There are quite a lot of people who are wondering how/where you are.....my self and Bill included....I hope that shows what wonderful support you will find here. I hope you haven't "disappeared"

HI EVERYONE...
I'm still here...a little overwhelmed, but here. There is so much information in the replies that I'm like a deer in the headlights!
I really wanted to respond to ALL the replies but I've been working a lot and the only time I CAN my wife or kids are online.
BUT, I haven't contacted her and I haven't told my wife (I'm not sure I can)
But so you know, this whole thing looks different to me now. How could so many people say the same thing? DON'T DO IT!!! DON'T DO IT!!!DON'T DO IT!!!DON'T DO IT!!!
The funny thing is, if a friend of mine was in MY place I would tell him the same thing. IT'S SO STUPID!!! I know. But MAINLY now because of you good people... I hear the OTHER side of it. The hurt, I'm sorry for you're hurt.<p> I'm not anxious to join the club of the ones that hurt you nice people. But understand, they didn't know how much it would hurt you and it's SO powerful, the pull I mean. It's so hard to fight.
Thanks to you folks I am not a run away train anymore. I have to figure this out in my mind and my heart.
Come on, you can't expect me to just say "OK, you're right (even though you are) Whew, glad that's over, thanks"
This has built up over a LONG time. I have a LOT to think about. BUT I AM THINKING NOW because of you all. <p> I PROMISE, I WON'T DO ANYTHING. And if I get weak (not that I'm totally strong right now), I will post here first.
I also will answer ALL of your thoughts as soon as I can do it safely. THANKS, I MEAN IT!!

Glad you're coming to your senses Usedman, know that all these people are speaking from their hearts, and as hard as it will be, you still need to talk to your wife about this. It's the only way to truly help yourself and your M. What if the OW contacts you, and says she misses you etc.... How do you think you'll respond? If you discuss this with your wife, she will be able to help you win this battle. You will be surprised at how much she will be willing to help you, (once she is over the initial hurt). First and foremost, you must have the Lord involved. That magnetic pull is too strong to resist by yourself, you need Him on your side. He can take that pull and rise you above it, He can fix anything, for nothing is impossible with God, and if you are truly repentant, He will do more than you could ever imagine.
I have not replied until now, as I was so overwhelmed with all the replies that everyone gave you. I am so glad to see that so many people are wanting marriages to work. I thought I was alone in this, as so many people around me just take the easy way out, and jump at the chance to have an A, never realizing the pain it brings until it's too late, and even then they don't always want to see it, so their hearts become hardened! Allow the Lord to soften your heart completely, and be open to His help, and guidance. He is truly amazing!

Dear Lord, I pray for this man, wife and his family, I pray that You O Lord will draw them unto Yourself, give this husband the strength to be honest with his W, and prepare her heart to accept the repentance of her H. Be with her especially as she learns of this betrayal she will feel, but help her to forgive her H for this time of uncertanty in his life. Give this husband strength also to keep a clear head, keep him from any and all temptations he may experience. Remove from him any desire he may have for the OW, give him an even stronger desire for his wife. May you protect this marriage Lord from any further hindrance there may be. Lord Your Word says that you hate divorce, help these two to keep the vows they made to each other, and may this trial result in a much deeper love than either of them thought they could experience. Keep Your hand upon this marriage, and keep their family safe from any evil. I ask these things in Jesus name, Amen<p>God Bless you Usedman,
Monika

USEDMAN,<p>I'm so glad to hear that you are listening to what people here are saying. You sound like a good man. I'd hate to see you not only hurt your wife and family but yourself too. <p>Yes, it will be very hard to tell your wife about this. But she will be up to it, especially since you are stopping before it gets physical. <p>I too am praying for you, your wife and your family.

UsedMan,
I'm glad you've not run away. A couple of things.
1) believe it or not, this thing between you and the OM is really not about you and OM, it's about YOU and Your W.
2) you shouldn't leave your W for the OM, you should only leave your W b/c you and she can't have the kind of marriage you want. Even if you are madly in love with this OW. You owe it to your wife, children, friends, and family to have the OW out of your life while you work to improve your marriage. You can't be in contact with the OW while you do this, it just won't work with her in the wings...waiting.
3) if you decide to move from an EA to a PA, be strong enough to make this be a rational decision, not one based on instantanous passion...Again, you owe it to your W of 20 years and your children, to first separate from your wife, before this becomes physical. Facing the reality of separating, might help put a dose of reality in the incredible fantasy. Be strong, do the right thing.<p>Good luck.
AS

I like ashirley’s point about making an EA/PA a ‘rational decision’. I think that doing this would make one realize the seriousness of what they are about to embark on. But I would take it one step further then she suggests.<p>ashirley said: “Again, you owe it to your W of 20 years and your children, to first separate from your wife, before this becomes physical. Facing the reality of separating might help put a dose of reality in the incredible fantasy. Be strong, do the right thing.”<p>I would change this to read: <p>“Again, you owe it to your W of 20 years and your children, to first TELL YOUR WIFE OF YOUR AFFAIR AND DIVORCE HER, before YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER CONTACT OF ANY KIND WITH THE OW. Facing the reality of DIVORCING will help put a dose of reality in the incredible fantasy. Be strong, do the right thing.”<p>Unless you divorce first, you will still be having an affair.

usedman,<p>I am glad to see you are listening to what people here are saying. It shows you do care about your marriage, and really want to do the right thing. <p>I think you need more information to help strengthen you. You sound like a thinking man and so more knowledge will help you get over this "emotional pull" you are feeling. You have an opportunity to turn your 20 year marriage into something that it once was, or maybe even into something it never was (even better). Get the book "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters" also found on this web site. I'm reading these books and they are helping me to understand what I can do to improve my marriage, and make it "Affair Proof". <p>As far as how to break it to your wife - that's a difficult one that I'm not sure how to deal with. There's NO doubt you have to tell her, however you need to understand and be properly prepared for her reaction. I would recommend setting up a counceling session with Steve Harley over the phone to tell him your story and get his advise. I'm going to be talking with him myself next week. It will cost $165 for about one hour, but that is cheap for getting the advice of your lifetime! Click here for the counseling link "Counseling Info" <p>Be strong and do the right thing!<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Want2FixIt ]</p>

Hey Used,<p>How are you doing? Hope all is well. I'm pulling for you!

How are things going? We've been wondering...