I'm so confused and don't know what to do.We are sort of seperated his clothes is still here but he sleeps at his mom's. He says he just wants to be seperated for a while and that later maybe we can get divorce or get back together but for now he doesn't want to be with me. But he sees me everyday,and we have sex at least twice a week. He says that he worked on the marriage long enough that I put him after everyone else 4 children and a very domineering Mother-in -law (my mother) I ask him everyday to give me a chance to show him that i do and have always loved him but he says no that we had 10 years and that he doesn't want to put himself back into that. But then he says that most of those 10 years were good but the last couple of years have been a little one sided. I do have to admitt that I have not put him first. he was a true giver always sided with me to make me happy yet now he is telling me that he was angry for making those decision. I ask beg pled for him to come back but he always says no. I am the point (after a month of this) of saying either move back and lets try to work it out or lets get divorce (which I don't want) because I truelly love my husband. I just hate what I am feeling right now I feel confused, scared, betrayed, unsecure. like my life is on hold until he decides what he wants to do. I tried to get him to do the questionnaires but he's fighting it all the way, Ive also tried to get him to counceling but he doesnt really want to go(he already goes for his PTSD) I just dont know what to do besides what I do already PRAY and PRAY some more..read the Bible..I really love my husband but I dont know if I should just leave it like this, fight it or just ask to end it. I just know that I can't take this much longer. because to me your either married or your divorced there is no inbetween. Please give me your prays and any advice I can not talk to anyone about this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: melissamar ]</p>

I do believe there is a in between. That in between is where you are separated, and you need time to think about your marriage, where you fit in where your partner fits in, what is going to happen to the kids, how the kids will react to being apart form one parent, how you will react to being apart from your partner, kids,if either of you want to work on the relationship, if you really did put everything into the marriage you could have. These are all questions that I believe separation are meant to answer. But while a couple is separated, and have not committed to a divorce their marriage vows are still there. It does not give them the ability to try out another person, or relationship, and see if they can make it work. They still must treat their spouse as their spouse with separation. If your husband is committed to to how true to his vows and separate for a while, it may be better for both of you. At present if you are here for the same reason as everyone else, because you are a victim of a affair or had the affair, there is a lot of questions to answer in both parties head. The initial pain of being apart is very hard, but once both commit to getting back together. suddenly a new set of emotions appear, the resentment, the ability to forgive, to trust again, to love again. Both partners must know they are committed to this step, or one or the other will run away immediately. Please try to think past your immediate emotions and look deep inside yourself at what things need to change, if you have the power to forgive, trust, and love him again. Also that he is committed to you and solely you. This is a time that separation may fit better then divorce or being together.

Hm..... and the reason for separation is?!??!? Your H's reasons don't sound valid enough to support his actions. What else is he hiding? <p>L.

Well I do not know if there is anything else he's says there is no one else but he does have a female friend who is divorced w/children. but he swears that it is nothing. He just keeps telling me that he knows if he comes back in a month things will be the same as before. You need to understand we have two teenages from my privous marriage( he has raised them) plus another problem is that he wanted to try different churches and I was stuck in being catholic. I know that I didnt treat him like i should have but I feel that we both did a lot of things wrong in our marriage but none of them were bad enough to throw away our marriage. You also need to understand that we both were taking classes plus he worked and we have 4 kids so time together was very limited to lunch and a few minutes inbetween.
Yet I have done things to change that I have cut down on my volunteering, I have made it a point for us to have dinner together(minus my husband) as a family at least 4-5 times a week when before we never made it an issue. I have also started to read more of the bible to help me cope with the pain of him leaving. As far as I kknow he is not having an affair and he has never been dishonest to me. so for now I do believe him.I just want him to understand that our communication the past year had gotten very bad and know that we are semi-seperated we have talked alot and now he is telling me how he really felt about certain things and i tell him that he needed to tell me those thing before because i am not a mind reader and he says that i should of known that those things should of come from me not because he asked for them. I just don't know , I don't know what to do.

Milissamar,<p>There are ways to save your marriage and the ideas on this site often do work. I can offer one place where you can start to think about your marriage. You said: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I know that I didnt treat him like i should have but I feel that we both did a lot of things wrong in our marriage but none of them were bad enough to throw away our marriage. <hr></blockquote><p>This is called a disrespectful judgement. Why? Because obviously he felt is was bad enough to throw away the marriage. You are assuming you know how he thinks and what standards he should meet. Instead you should be talking to him and agreeing between yourselves about what standards should be met.<p>There are many ideas on this site, but I think you would be well served to read Harley's 4 rules for a marriage and the concept of the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. THis coupled with his idea that marriages need "radical honesty" might make sense to you.<p>If I could recommend one book to you it would be His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Read it if you haven't and see if your H will read it. He may or may not want to fill out the questionaire, but perhaps he will talk about things with you within the context of that book.<p>I would be worried about his female friend. It may only be a friendship now, but it won't take much for it to turn into an EA (emotional affair)since you two have spent so little time together, and apparently even less talking.<p>Milissamar, do some of this reading, keep talking with your H, acknowledge the obvious fact that he feels that he is NOT getting enough from this marriage to continue it right now. These things can change, and often it is simply some modest changes in the way things are approach rather than how they are done. The POJA can help you both make decisions that you don't resent and reduce sacrifices. Harley is big on the idea that sacrifices are not good for marriages and should only be done when both parties agree that they should be made.<p>Keep reading, asking questions, and hang in there. This thing can be address. You are only a month into this, it is likely to take 6 months or so to sort this out. So have patience and give it time, and most of all read His Needs Her Needs if you haven't.<p>God Bless,<p>JL